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Original poster

I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

999 replies

rhksmum · 27/04/2010 13:43

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 20/09/2010 22:04

rhksmum I dont usually post on your thread but i do always read it to see how you are.Do you have an emergency number for any of the people that you go to see ? It sounds like you need help and need it right now.I am sorry things seem so bad for you,but i have no advice other than that.Hopefully someone else will come along really soon and may be able to advise you further.

Original poster
rhksmum · 20/09/2010 22:13

spoke to psychologist at tea time, can phone her tomorrow and then have cpn on wednesday, so there is someone about I just cant speak, cant explain whats going on in my head :(

OP posts:
hairymelons · 20/09/2010 22:28

Don't be sorry, no-one wants you to feel bad. Just wanted you to know that we're looking out for you.

I guess you've had a dreadful few days but please don't do this all by yourself. Is there anyone you can call right now? If not, can you get to someone in the morning?

There are people that can help you rhksmum, please lean on them.

What's going on right now?

mummylin2495 · 20/09/2010 22:28

Can you write it all down so that they can read it.Tell them exactly the feelings you are having right now.It may even make you feel a little better to of got some of it out of your system.Dont hide anything from them ,just tell it as it is for you tonight.

hairymelons · 20/09/2010 22:29

x-post- would it be better if you saw them in person rather than talking on the phone?
Can the CPN come to your house?

Original poster
rhksmum · 20/09/2010 22:43

Cpn is coming to the house on Wednesday.

Social worker is coming tomorrow to do a report on my daughter for the Childrens Reporter after what happened in July.

It's all a mess, everything is so wrong, I dont know what I'm doing anymore

OP posts:
hairymelons · 20/09/2010 23:08

So is it your SW coming tomorrow or a different one? Maybe you could get someone to be with you if it's stressing you out.

Glad CPN is coming to you. Don't put a brave face on it. If you can't find the words, say you can't find the words. It will help her see how you are struggling right now.

Original poster
rhksmum · 20/09/2010 23:27

Its the old one, she's the duty worker so she says she offered to do the report since she knows us.
If I'm honest I dont care what happens, I'm exhausted, have nothing left to fight with :(

OP posts:
hairymelons · 20/09/2010 23:54

Did something happen this week?

You must be shattered. Hope you get some rest and no nightmares tonight.

mummylin2495 · 21/09/2010 09:02

good luck with the social worker,i hope you can convey exactly how you are feeling to her and that you get the help you so badly need.

hairymelons · 21/09/2010 15:37

How are you feeling today? Did the SW come?

Original poster
rhksmum · 21/09/2010 22:20

yes she came, she showed me the report that the police had sent them.
It said that I struggle to control my daughter, that I was badly assaulted by her, swollen arm, bruises, scratches the lot.
Social worker isnt sure if the Reporter will decide to put my daughter on a supervision order, she doesn't think its a good idea as it will give my ex more scope to throw his weight around.
she thinks I need someone to support me with what is going on.
Spoke to cpn, well tried to but couldnt get the words out, just cried, spoke to my daughters counsellor and ended up in tears to her, couldn't get a hold of my psychologist, could really have done with her today, but never mind.

I didn't think it was possible to cry as much as I have done today, everything feels so pointless.
I'm trying to work out n my head what the point is, what reason I have to keep going, and at this moment in time I cant think of anything.

OP posts:
hairymelons · 21/09/2010 23:21

I'm glad your SW said that, I hope she can sort that for you. Did she say what kind of support?

I'm sorry you're feeling so awful at the minute, it must be very draining. You haven't really mentioned tears very much before, is it unusual for you to cry so much?

I would say that the point is that you will feel better one day and that this awfulness is a transition period. You will get through it. And that your children love you and need you.

Original poster
rhksmum · 21/09/2010 23:28

I feel like all I've done since Friday is cry, the tears wont stop no matter what I do.
I feel really vulnerable and out of my depth here, its wrong to cry, I'll get punished if I dont get a grip :(

OP posts:
madmouse · 22/09/2010 07:39

rhks there is no one there to punish you. They have spent your childhood and some of your adulthood punishing you but they have done their worst - they can't punish you anymore.

Original poster
rhksmum · 22/09/2010 13:42

Cpn visit went ok I suppose, told her I wasn't going back to see psychologist, that I cant deal with the shame and the pain that is happening.
She said that everytime I say this its because I've disclosed something really painfull and my coping mechanism is to run.

Told her all the kids are away this weekend and I dont feel safe, dont feel like I can trust myself not to do it properly this time:(

I feel like I've let everyone down, that I shouldn't have had the kids, they dont deserve a screwup for a mum, they deserve the nice mum, that smiles, that doesn't feel like ending it all the time, one that can go to school things and not panic and run crying from the building, one thats not a mess.
I dont know what I'm doing anymore, I'm losing parts of the day, no memory of how or what I've done.

I think I need to get shares in Kleenex with the amount I'm using :(

OP posts:
hairymelons · 23/09/2010 14:06

Hope you do get to the psychologist today.

Your kids do have a nice mum. They have a fantastic mum. So many people that carry the amount of hurt around that you do would spread it all around them but you don't- you keep doing your best for your kids and that makes you amazing.

I'm wondering if you are crying so much because you are grieving? This really isn't to belittle how you feel, it's just that you mentioned recently feeling sad about what you didn't have when you were watching your son play.

Do you think the lithium is helping you at all?

Ephiny · 23/09/2010 18:08

You sound like a great mum to me, none of us is perfect, but you sound like a kind and loving mum, always looking out for your kids and their needs and their wellbeing, even when you're struggling with your own problems. Being a single mum is hard enough at the best of times, you're amazing to be doing it so well after all you've been through.

I hope you can get some extra support like the sw said.

It's OK to cry if you need to :(

Original poster
rhksmum · 23/09/2010 21:28

Sessions are too hard, spent most of it again in tears, couldn't breath, couldn't stay in the room, kept zoneing out,
when is it going to stop, when will it be over, just need it to be over now, can't handle anymore.

I need to sleep but I cant, keep waking within an hour of falling over thinking someones choking me, cant breath, end coughing and coughing until I'm sick, then I'm too scared to go back to sleep.

It's just a mess :(

OP posts:
hairymelons · 24/09/2010 14:51

Sounds awful. No sleep must be making all this much worse, you need a rest.

The middle of the night can feel so lonely and frightening. Can your psychologist help with the nightmares/ insomnia?

Original poster
rhksmum · 24/09/2010 18:31

I've screamed and shouted, I've cried, I've sobbed, I've cut and smashed things up and I still cant get rid of these feelings.

I feel so out of control, so scared, I did try and phone people today but surprise surprise no one returned my call, so I'm giving up, no point, hurts to much feeling like this. If I dont reach out for help I cant be disapointed when its ignored.

OP posts:
hairymelons · 24/09/2010 22:35

I don't know why no one responded to you today but it doesn't mean they're not interested. It doesn't mean that you don't matter either.

If you're cutting you need to speak to someone. I hope someone is there for you in the morning.

Is this how you feel after sessions now? The last couple of weeks seem to have been particularly hard for you. I think she needs to help you more with the aftermath if this is what is happening.

Original poster
rhksmum · 24/09/2010 23:29

When I'm not in a crumpled heap I can see that, but just now nothing feels logical.
I sat tonight trying to phone RC but could only get the number in the phone, that was it.
I told her something really bad last week that I had done and it followed me into into this weeks session to.
I cant get it out my head.
It's a holiday weekend here so normal services dont resume until next Tuesday, psychologist isn't back until next Thursday and I dont have her until the Friday.
All my kids are away this weekend and I'm feeling lost, out of my depth.
I know I should be gratefull for a break, but feeling like this its not a good idea to be on my own.

I dont know anymore, I just feel so sad and lonely, everything feels soo hopeless and pointless.
I don't know what to do :(

OP posts:
madmouse · 25/09/2010 08:00

rhks I'm here remember - if you need some company message me xx

hairymelons · 25/09/2010 09:02

Keep talking to us. You're not on your own.

Is there anyone you can see this weekend, any friends around? You probably don't feel like seeing anyone but it's a distraction from being inside your thoughts all the time.

Is your psychologist aware of what has happened since you told her what you told her? It's important you get the right support between sessions if you're left reeling, it would be a shame if you held back because you were afraid of the consequences.

All you have to do this weekend is be kind to yourself if you can and get through it. Things will be better soon.