I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

Hope you're ok tonight rhksmum. If you're too anxious to sleep try not to lie there thinking- get up and watch some shit tv or something.

Morning rhksmum. Are you ok?

When are the kids getting back?

Kids are due back tomorrow, I want them back but I dont if that makes sense.
I've barely slept all weekend, same nightmare over and over again. Psychologist thinks its a new memory but I cant peice it together or maybe I dont want to.

I have to bite the bullet later and phone my uncle, my youngest needs photos of my 'extended' family, tried all the excuses I can think of to put him off but he doesnt want to be the only one in the class with no photos to take in. My friend even offered photos of her mum and dad and said he could pretend they were his granny and grandad but he doen't want that. I think he is curious about my mum and dad as he only met my mum when he was 6 weeks old.
I hate the thought that kids will be handling pictures of them, its like they can still get in amongst kids, still have that control, if that makes sense and the thought of having them in the house makes me feel violently sick, but he doesn't want to be the odd one out so I have to do this for him :(

RHKS I understand that so well - It's really too much for you to have those photos in the house. I have this really strong urge to keep the abuse and my abuser away from my child's perfect innocence.

It does push your ds in it too because like every child he wants to have a family, to belong so I can understand him insisting.

On the other hand my ds has blood family in the sense of my dad and (in practice also) my stepmum) - but his close 'everyday' family of uncles and aunts is actually made up of very close friends of us - is that an option?

Well its done, I phoned, although had my fingers crossed the whole time hoping they weren't gonna be in and they weren't so I left a message.

I tried to suggest to him that my friend his 'auntie a' would give him photos but he wasn't having it.
Maybe having the photos will help me, I dont know, in my head he is about 40ft tall, maybe seeing him as he is will make it less scarey, or maybe make it more scarey.
I was just looking on Facebook there and found my old primary school in Germany, really scarey, could see the exact spot where they used to take me, makes it more real, how did nobody see it, fgs it was an open space, no one stopped, no one helped, just left me.

rhks you are so incredibly brave facing up to all that...

can't believe people just left you to deal with it on your own - no wonder you can't believe anyone can help you now...

I don't know what will happen when you see the photos. Maybe seeing that they are really pathetic old people will help you - I found some videos of the man who abused me when I was at 19 that he uses to promote his business. It has certainly helped me to put that one in perspective. I would not be brave enough to look at pics of the man who got me as a little girl. There is a man in my church that reminds me of him

I'm here if you need company or support - I do hope you know that now xxx

brave...no
stupid...most definately

Now I have a multitude of images going round my head, cant get any of them out.
Stupidly went back and looked and yes there is a picture of him there, still as scarey as he was, i can see the wolf in him, can see why it follows me, its him :(

try telling me what the images are - you know I've seen enough myself xx

you are not stupid

he was scarey then - he's a sick sad old arsehole now. He can not hurt you anymore.

I'm sorry his image follows you like a wolf. He has no power of you anymore - he really doesn't...

My god, that is brave. That is unbelievably brave.

I'm really in awe of what you've done for your son.

And you are most definately not stupid.

I wish you could just make the images disappear but I suppose it takes talking, and time. Are you ok?

Hope you can get some rest before the kids get back.

I hate it, I hate it all
I hate what they did, what I did, the memories that stupid me caused myself to have today.

That old saying curiosity killed the cat, well I should have listened to it properly.

I dont want the kids to come back tomorrow because I know I'm gonna be her punching bag, dont want tomorrow to come because its another day closer to seeing psychologist, dont want any of this, am so scared of the feelings that I'm having.

Please just someone stop it all for me :(

You aren't having these memories because you are stupid or were curious- it's because you chose to do something to help your son despite knowing that it would cause you great pain. That's heroic, not stupid.

I hope your daughter doesn't hit out at you- anything you can do to stop her before it escalates? Were parentline ever any use or could you ask on MN about nipping outbursts in the bud? I'm assuming the promised extra support from SS hasn't happened yet...

I understand why you're worried about seeing your psychologist again, it seems like you've had a couple of really hard sessions. If dealing with them between times is getting too much for you, you should tell her as she might be able to help with that.

Wish someone could flick a switch and make it stop for you . You're doing all the right things though, you'll get there.

RHKS you by definition did not make yourself have memories - they are so ruddy painful that you would never choose to have them.

and I wish you would stop calling yourself stupid

Kids are back.
My daughter is quite upset and distressed after her time away.

Her dads an @rse
Life is shit and I have had enough of it.

Your daughter needs you - try to stay there - Talk to me when you need to xx

Hi rhksmum. Hope your daughter is alright. How's your week going?

How do I do this?
I feel like I'm being split in so many different directions, then just when I think I cant be pulled anymore someone else needs something.
I have psychologist on Friday and I really dont want to go, I know I say this every week but I cant keep putting myself through this week after week. I hate what she did, I hate her, I just want her to go back in her box and leave me alone, but she wont.

My daughter had her review with her counsellor today and she has agreed to see her for another 6 sessions, I should be jumping for joy, I'm grateful I really am but I wonder what the point is, no one else but me is interested in helping her, her dads partner told her at the weekend that she didn't need to see a counsellor, shes 12, she needs to learn to deal with things herself. She told her that they had tried everything to get her to go on holiday with them, yeah they were going to snatch her, drag her kicking and screaming to the airport and make her go on holiday with them
She has asked to go see the curator and talk about all this as she is really struggling with whats going on.

I'm so tired of all this drama in my life, I just want to be a normal person that gets up, deals with things and then goes to bed, I dont want this crapcalled a past anymore:(

Your poor daughter. What a stupid thing to say to a chid, that they should deal with it themselves. She sounds very switched on for a 12 year old though, she must get that from you.

The curator seems to have been supportive so far, hopefully she can do something to help.

I hear what you're saying about no more drama. It's exhausting.

I don't know how long you've felt like you're at crisis point but it seems to me that you've had a hell of a year with your own personal pain to deal with, not sleeping, your daughter being ill, all the probems with ex-H, your eldest misbehaving etc etc and then, there's just getting out of bed in the morning, washing, cooking, getting the kids to school....what you achieve every day is immense.

I don't suppose hearing that makes doing it any easier and I know you are sick of putting one foot in front of the other but I also just know that things are going to get easier for you. Every session you have at the minute with the psychologist seems to be really hard going and you are putting yourself through the mill in a way but it's the only way through.

I'm sorry if the relentless 'you will be fine one day' is irritating, and if you just want to unload without being told it'll be alright just say. I really believe it though, you have huge reserves of strength and you have every chance of a peaceful, happy life.

I just hope it happens quickly for you, you really deserve a break.

Thankyou,
Thankyou for everything, you have been really nice and supportive, I guess sometimes it may seem like I dont appreciate it but I really do.

I really hope that one day I will be fine, but I worry that it will be too late, that the damage will have been done.

This is your thread, your space to say whatever you need, you don't need to thank anyone.

And I honestly believe that it's never too late.

Good luck for tomorrow :)

I feel so sick, hearts racing, pains in my chest, cant stop the tears.
Why is this so hard?

Spoke to social worker today about things, tried to get cpn but had no joy, no surprise there.
I think I'm worried about seeing psychologist tomorrow because I asked her last week if she could do the list of words that I struggle with. The thought of seeing them in black and white terrifies me, its like its wrong.

RHKS thinking of you today. The list of words may help you get some of them out. You were brave to ask her to bring it. You can still go at your pace. Try to keep talking, I can see the change in you, things will get better xxx

Appointments made with curator and Gp fo my daughter, curator is this afternoon, not a good day to be going but if we didnt take that appointment then it was another 2 weeks before she could see her.
am now shitting myself, phoned CSA to find out what was happening with that, they said he had refused to speak to them, hasn't sent the forms back so thats another battle, shows what he thinks of his kids.

I see the change in you too. Today will be hard but you can do this.

Let the CSA battle with him, you can't do anything about it and you have enough on just supporting your daughter through this.

Best of luck for today :)

I'm just really praying that DD opens up to curator this time knowing that you will support her whatever xx

Appointment shite, shutters down, think I've pissed her right off, she says she's confused, well maybe she should live in my head for a day and then she will really know what confused feels like, cant even remember why she said she was confused, head and mind shut down.
No more, thats it I'm done with it all:(