I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

Yes I have psychologist tomorrow, I told her last week I was struggling with this, the fact that she is female and a mum, she did try to reasure me that she had probably heard or read what I was needing to tell her, that she wouldn't be shocked, or disgusted with what I needed to say, but I need her to feel the same way about me as I do.

Maybe if she did it would make it easier to say it, but because she doesn't, or at least she says she doesn't it makes it all the harder.

I can see why you would want that if it feels like the appropriate response. It's not though.

Good luck with the session, will be thinking of you.

How did it go today?

Was really difficult, really hard.
I cried, I told her I hated her, but everything was conflicting because she is so nice.

I told her how I was still struggling with this, that I still couldn't get out what I needed to say.
How I was struggling with her, with her being female and a mum so we spoke a bit about her, she let me ask questions about her to try and seperate her from my mum.
She says I'm doing transference (sp) and by telling me somethings about her helps me see she is different to my mum helps ground me.

I told her about seing the psychiatrist and how when I got upset in there I expected him to hit me, she said I'm doing the same there too, but she will speak to him and explain.

She gave me the letter she wrote me and it made me cry, she was soo nice in it, she said she wished she could have been there for me, to help me and to prevent what happened.

She is soo nice, how can I tell her the disgusting things I've done?

I've messed this all up and now I dont know how to fix it.

You haven't messed anything up, you're doing great. You'll be able to tell her when you're ready, she's just helping you get to that point. Try not to put yourself under too much pressure, can you trust them to move this forward at the right pace for you?

I dont know, trust is such a small word but it feels such a big thing.

Neither her nore the psychiatrist have ever given me a reason not to trust them but I cant shake this feeling that they are going to let me down, or that I will disapoint them.

She is going to get a list of words and sentences that she thinks will help me to say whats gone on, what I'm struggling with.

It sounds like you're doing really well, you've come such a long way with this. I know it's difficult and upsetting for you, but you're doing the right thing in being open with them about how you feel.

The list of words/phrases sounds like a good idea, hope you find it helpful.

I'm sorry,
Wolves are back, watching, waiting for me
I can hear them scratching
see them through the hedge
theres more of them than before
why wont they leave me alone
I wont tell anymore :(
I promises
just make them go away

This is so hard for you, isn't it :(

You know you're doing the right thing by talking about it though. Don't listen to what those voices tell you, they can't do anything to hurt you.

Remember you can take this as slowly as you need to, if the pressure is becoming too much, no one can make you say or do anything until you're ready.

Maybe you will always feel a little bit like you can't fully trust people, or yourself. A lot of people feel that way. Don't worry though, it doesn't have to get in the way. You're still moving forward.

You are doing all the right things, don't listen to them, please. You have a right to tell whoever you want whatever you want.

I want it to stop
All of it
I want to be normal, to not be scared
I want back what they took from me, my innocense but thats not going to happen, I wont ever be that.

I look out my window and just feel dread,
I hate that I'm still here, that I have to be here.
Why cant I be here because I want to be?
Why does it hurt so much?

RHKS you know where I am if you need company - even if only online

Not talking is not going to make it go away - talking will eventually - I promise. It happened to me. I didn't think it ever would but it has..

What happens to your ability to trust after abuse is hard to understand if you haven't been there (not meaning any disrespect!) - I have a very close friend who I've slowly learned to trust and I now enjoy his hugs and hug him back, that's taken a while and he is still extremely careful - still having overcome all those hurdles I then started to think for a bit that maybe he was a paedophile after ds - anything not to have to totally trust him for the sweet person he really is . That's what your brain does to protect.

Watching my youngest today playing with a ladybird, letting it crawl over his hands, he watched it so closely, his face smiling, it broke my heart.

It wasn't meant to be like this.
Everything feels so pointless.
I feel so useless.

Why does it take me forever to do simple things?
This morning I couldn't get out the front door, Friday I couldn't get out my bedroom, they wouldn't let me, scaring me.

I dont what to do to make them go away
I dont know what they want from me :(

No worries Madmouse, you're right.

Rhksmum, you don't sound too good. Can you call someone in the morning? Don't struggle on by yourself, use the people that are meant to support you.

Please don't despair, what Madmouse says to you is true- that with talking and time, it will get better.

How are you feeling just now?

I feel like my whole world is crumbling down around me and all I can do is watch it happen.

I have the council coming to service my boiler and I'm terrified, my friends are busy tomorrow so cant come sit with me, cant even keep one of the kids home from school so I'm not on my own, not that I want them to have to do that.
This is all getting too much, I need to get a grip, ffs plenty of other people manage it, what makes me so special or different?

It's not your fault, that's just what depression is like sometimes, not being able to get out of the house etc, even the littlest things can seem nearly impossible :(

But it can and will get better. You've just got to keep on with getting all the help you can - and be kind to yourself, focus on doing the things you can do each day, and don't beat yourself up over the things you're not able to do right now.

Can you phone someone when they come so you don't feel like you're by yourself?

It's hard having strangers in the house,just do whatever you need to do to make it bearable. Can you let them in then go to your room? Don't worry about small talk etc.

They came, there was 2 of them, they were nice but I couldn't stop shaking.
They had to go upstairs to where the boiler was, right outside my bedroom.
Had to strip my bed and hoover my room when they left dont no why, I just had this need to.

I know I'm not being rational about it now, but only because the kids asked why I made my bed this morning and then stripped it.

Sounds like you coped really well. I mean it about it not being easy having strangers in your home, it makes a lot of people nervous.

How was today?

How are you getting on, rhksmum?

RHKSmum has disappeared again - I have not seen her around since about Tuesday or Wednesday

Usually not a good sign.

Oh no, I hope she's ok. I did think it was odd she hadn't posted.

When you say you haven't seen her around, do you mean online?

Yes she's normally on facebook every day - she still hasn't been

Any word yet?

Thinking of you rhksmum if you see this.

I'm sorry if I caused any worry, :(
Not in a good or safe place.
Flashbacks, nightmares, wolves, there all happening.
I dont want to be here, dont want to breath,

I'm sorry, I'm really losing my mind :(