I'm a mess, really strugglin, messed up real bad :-(

[rhksmum]

usin my phone to sort this so please dont give me a hard time for havin no paragraphs. I've been in hidin, last week i did something really stupid and to be honest im lucky im still here. My daughter has been in hospital really un well since saturday and im really strugglin tryin to keep it together for her. I'm tryin to split myself in so many pieces that i have fell apart, its my youngests birthday tomorrow and i wont be there for much of it because im in the hospital with my daughter, its just a mess, i cant cope, just want to walk out of here and not look back, i cant help her, shes really not very well, has to come back in 2 weeks for an operation, its all my fault, if i'd pushed more at the GP'S on friday she may not have got to this, i need to face it im a total screw up. Cpn not in,psychologist not in, no ones in and im not in a good place, I'm sorry

I know I need to be as honest as I can with the psychiatrist and psychologist and up to a point I am, but then I get scared, it feels like they have all the power(if thats the right way to say it) and it feels like it did with my dad, he was in control, he was in charge, I wasn't allowed to think or to feel or to have a voice, and now I guess I'm allowed to do all those things and I'm scared, scared I will get it wrong, mess everything up.

If I'm honest I dont even know where to start :(

RHKS you are moving foward, you are opening up, you are making progress. But every step is such a battle that you can't see it. And every change is so scary that again it's hard to see as a good thing.

I appreciate the feeling that if you talk openly to psychiatrist and psychologist the people from your past get less power but you feel like they psychs get power over you but they don't - they are professionals and you can even stop to see them/refuse to see them at any time.

Sometimes you just get too tired to fight and all you can do is sit there and wait until you find a bit more strength. I've been there - when all I could say to my friends is I'm too tired now. But it passes again.

No no, I wasn't offended, I know what you meant, just wanted to reassure you that lots of us go through the same thing (having only a few friends), it doesn't reflect on you in any way, it just happens sometimes.

I know how hard it is to talk sometimes - I definitely recognise the feeling of not knowing where to start - I think the important thing is just to start somewhere, don't worry about doing it right, just start talking and opening up, and start with whatever you feel you can talk about, the psych etc should be able to help you delve into the more painful things from your past when you feel you're able to.

It's OK to be scared, but try to trust that these people are there to help you, that's their job, not to judge or control you.

Good luck for today.

Lithium levels are really low so its to be increased, sat and cried, told him what I had planned to do at the weekend, that I was really angry at my ex for being such an arse and making me have to stay because I couldn't leave the kids with him.
He said he understood, he realises I'm uunder alot of pressure, that things are really bad for me just now but hopes the lithium being increased will start to help.

I dont know what I expected, what I thought would happen, but nothing feels different, if anything I feel like I have to be on my guard, feel more paranoid and anxious

Well done for speaking your mind, means he can help you. Are you feeling anxious because you opened up to him a bit more?

I'm not sure,
I feel ashamed that I broke down in there, in front of him, if anything it scared me.
I'm falling apart and I cant fix it, I'm losing control of everything and I'm so scared.

Spoke to psychologist this afternoon, told her I was scared, that when orif this stuff with my ex is sorted I will have to think about me, will have to talk about me. In the 2 years I've been seeing her there has never been a time when things have been calm.
Even though I have told her bits about my past I have always been able to change the subject and talk about my ex or my daughter.
I told her that it feels like a race, that I have to get everything out as fast as I can incase she stops seeing me and I'm left with all this hurt.
She said that wouldnt happen, we will go at my pace, as slow or fast as I want or need to go.

I'm grateful to her I really am but why can I not believe her when she says that?
Why is it so hard to trust her?
To accept that she wants to help.

Because you're not used to it She understands this though so don't feel bad about it.

And please don't be ashamed, you've achieved something today by opening up. That's shows a little bit of trust, you can build on that now.

you can keep going. everyone on here is far from perfect mums, it's a day by day process and things will not always be this bad. i think you can be forgiven for being angry right now; guilt is really contributing to your desperation so just give yourself a break and don't beat yourself up any more. You're doing what anyone would do under impossible circumstances and nobody would judge you badly considering - honestly, you're doing the best you can do under the circumstances you've been given.

How do I do this :(
How do I make it ok for the kids?
How do I make sure if I'm not here the kids are ok?

This is really stupid, today I broke a nail, its the only thing I do for me and I ended up a sobing mess, shouting and screaming at myself, kids were at school, and it scared me the amount of anger I had in me, the chair that I broke it on got screamed at, swore at, kicked, but now I feel numb :(

I don't know that getting angry is such a terrible thing...it can be a good release. The chair can take it.

I don't think you can make it ok for them if you're not here. You are making it ok for them by getting treatment and support. You are a good mum.

Anger scares me, feels wrong.
I need to get a grip before I lose it completely.

I need to sleep but I cant, havent slept since Friday and even then it was only a couple of hours.
Images, thoughts going through my head.

I'm beginning to hate my psychologist, she made me remember things and now they wont go away no matter how hard I try.

Anger is a normal, useful emotion. I agree with HM that it can be a really good release - especially if you express it in a way that isn't damaging to yourself or others (and this time you were on your own, had a shout and hit a chair - so that sounds Ok to me).

in your posts a lot of your anger seems to be directed at yourself, even in situations which are outside your control and influence (like the behaviour of your ex) - it's good to hear you directing it at someone else...even if it was a chair.

this is going to sound so stupid but I apologised to it, told it that it wasn't it's fault, a blinking chair and I can feel compasion for it, but I cant feel any for me.

Told you it was stupid :(

I think it makes you sound rather nice .

RHKS the things that you are starting to remember will go away once you have talked about them and processed them. Honest they will, been there done that.

Remember to go at your pace with her - no rush you are going plenty fast enough xx

And bless you apologising to the chair - it's a start - if you practice on the chair maybe you can soon be nicer to yourself

but I cant talk about it, I cant get the words out or down on paper.
I feel sick and ashamed at the things I've done.

Feeling ashamed does make it so hard to say the words. Can she help you find a different way to talk about it? Eg, drawing or talking about it in the 3rd person?

You are nicer to that chair than you are to yourself! Did you manage any sleep last night?

I can see most of it in my head, it's like a silent movie playing, when I try and say the words, nothing comes out.
I dont think I could draw it, I wouldn't know where to start.

Still haven't slept, am sat here shaking, am seeing things feel like I'm losing my grip on reality.

If it feels like a movie running, how about trying to draw a storyboard about it? A series of snaphot pictures like the ones a director would use to plan a film?
Or maybe even just write a series of captions like they used to use in silent movies? Not much detail, but enough to act as start point when you are talking.
Not sure if that's at all helpful, I hope you find your own way to express yourself.

I know what you mean about not being able to put it into words, for me it was all a big tangled mess like a ball of wool or something (silly analogy, sorry) and it was a question of finding an 'end' - something, anything, that I could say, as a way of getting started. It doesn't matter where you start, anywhere you can.

I also found it useful to have the counsellor ask me questions so I could give short simple answers, was easier than having to think about where to start or how to structure things myself. And it meant they were saying the things I couldn't, I just had to say 'yes that happened'.

I'm sure you've done nothing to be so ashamed of, anything people have done to you or made you do, that's not your fault. Anyone can see you're a good, kind person.

Poor you not being able to get any sleep, that's going to make you feel awful at the best of times. Have you told anyone about that?

Sorry this is long! Mostly just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.

I dont know how to do it, I know I cant draw pictures, theres no way, it would be too disgusting :(

When all this came out a few weeks ago she gave me some choices, but I couldn't get the words out or put them down on paper.
I sent her a letter last week trying to explain but it didn't go as planned and I still couldn't get it out.

Spoke to cpn this morning about how I'm struggling with this, how I cant tell her or psychologist because she is a mum and a female (never thought that would be an issue for me)
I know I need to get this out as its eating me up inside but I cant seem to.

Sleep has always been a problem, but this isn't helping me just now as everytime I close my eyes I see her, see what I did with her.

I think you're right, you need to get this out, whatever it is, in your own time and when you're ready.

But remember the psych and cpn are professionals, listening to people's darkest secrets and most awful experiences is part of their job. They shouldn't judge you or be shocked or disgusted by anything you tell them. They're on your side, and whatever you say to them, I'm sure they're only going to offer you help and support to deal with it.

I know and I think thats what makes it all the harder, when I see it written down on the screen in black and white I feel stupid, but then when I see them in person being rational goes out the window.

Cpn asked this morning how I was getting on with psychologist, I said I hated her, hated her for making me remember this and leaving me with it, she asked had I told her this, I said I couldn't tell her I hated her because she was too nice My head is soo messed up with everything right now I dont know if I'm coming or going.

Do you see your psychologist tomorrow?

If you are struggling to speak or write it down, can you copy a couple of posts from this thread to show her? 18.45 today would tell her a lot I'm sure. Would Ephiny's suggestion of her asking the questions so you don't have to say it help?

This must be harrowing for you. It's so unfair that you are disgusted with yourself for something that's not your fault.

Hope tomorrow goes well and that you manage a bit of sleep tonight.