can't even think of a title

[ToccataAndFudge]

yes BitofFun - you were right, it wasn't even 3 days, BeastofBodmin - yes I'm moaning again.

I'm not coping, I'm a fucking mess.

Have been trying to write it all down for the last hour and have given up.

If you've already posted on my other recent threads I haven't ignored the time and effort put it to try and support me, i do appreciate it I just can't even take my own advice right now

could maybe do with some bin bags, I have shite ones (as I've discovered) from Morrisons that seem to rip as soon as you put anything heavier than paper in them .

Think I have plenty of cleaning stuff somewhere in the cupboard....

Oh shit - that reminds me - must put the bin out - forgot to put the recycling bin out last week (which was full when I moved in) and had to stick stuff in the black bin, but still have rubbish that needs to go and if I forget to put it out again I'll be drowing in rubbish (more than I already am)

Yeah TF, if you don't get a break at all, you start to really cherish one. I had all that when I was actually married to xH (only after we split did he suddenly become perfect daddy)

Why is it that xH is not having them? (sorry if story is too long)

I'm in the reverse situation atm, tend to get housebound when they are not here. When they're here I get forced out by them rioting indoors.

Hiya, I haven't read previous threads, only this one, but just wanted to add my support. I really hope things start to look up for you soon. x

ok, I'll go tesco on the way and get bin bags and some treats

Have you got floor cleaner for once we've got the floors cleared?

does Ben and Jerry's count as eating??

As to why XH isn't having them - I don't know - he was the one that was worried about the child safety agreement that SS put in place still being there. And it was removed just before I moved out. He said he'd let me know when he was going to have them..........

Last time round he had them straight off and he was in shared accomodatoin miles away.....this time he's still in the same house, just around the corner

Short story, we split up 2yrs ago, got back together start of last year seemed to be going really well then September last year he had a psychotic episode and tried to kill me, he was in hospital for 3 weeks, and then came home with full CPN support, and medication. Then 3 weeks after he came home SS stepped in (so 6 weeks later) and declared he wasn't to have the children on his own AT ALL, this was quckly (but not quick enough to stop issues arrising from it between us) changed to say that he could have them for a couple of hours at a time, but not all day, or overnight.

Meanwhile it became apparent that his illness was what had made him want to get back together with me and now he was better he obviousy though "wtf was I thinking this isn't what I wanted".

I sensed this and we split up just before Christmas, although I only actually moved out at the start of this month.

Child safety agreement was removed totally about 4 weeks ago, but his CPN suggested building up slowly with him having the DS's - as going in for a straight full weekend could cause stress to him which could increase the chance of him having more MH issues (although they were chiefly caused by drug abuse stress could cause the symptoms to flare- which I had no idea about until his dx in hospital).

That's the very very very short version,

So here I am sat waiting for him to tell me when he's going to have the DS's for a morning/afternoon..........

gosh you're optimistic about how much we're going to get done - clearing and cleaning the floors.

Let me go and check - I think I do.

yes I do - an hardly touched bottle of flash all purpose stuff

christ almighty TF

that is so much to cope with, give yourself a cheer for just getting out of bed.

Presume you don't know if the drug issues are ongoing. How bloody awful.

But as the safety agreement's been removed, surely he could have them now? Have you directly asked him to take them for a bit? Tbh sounds about time. Unless you are worried for their safety of course.

no - they're not on going. I do trust him on that, tbh I think it scared the absolute fucking shit out of him how they contributed to him getting so ill and plus, bizarrely, apart from the incident in September the drug use actually made him bloody amazing to be back together with. He was just everything you'd want from a DH (and a dad) really, it was just that when his depression became so bad (I suspected depression but had no idea about the psychosis , but before that point he was one of those people who doesn't think it really exists iykwim?) he couldn't deal with the hallucinations and acted on them.

I'd recognise a change in his behaviour now (in hindsight)if he were to start taking them again.

I'm not worried for their safety, I also pushed for it to be totally removed, we had a "big meeting" with everyone involved with us/the DS's, and every single one of them, from the family support worker that we had once we'd been "downgraded" by child protection, through to the schools, my carer support worker I had and XH's CPN all agreed it wasn't necessary any more and SS closed their file.

I have asked him to tell me when he's going to have them. I don't want to be the one that always has to do all the arranging/facilitating though.

DS1 is 9 1/2 now, it's not going to be long before he's wanting to make his own arrangements with me and XH about who he sees when.........I don't want him thinking that his dad's house is an "open door" if it's not.

lol I've just looked at the pics you took of your house and I reckon we'll at least get the downstairs done! DD can help, she's a good girl re tidying up, she'll probably insist on helping actually!

if we get all that done I may be forced to go town on Thursday morning and buy my camera (funnily enough Sunday has come and gone and there's no sign of the camera being returned, nor him bringin the step-stool or DS1's spare tie........which he said he would do on Sunday)
and take photos.

could you go round and get those things? or is it the principal of him supposed to be bringing them to you?

Current plan of action is one room at a time - kitchen and lounge most important I think.

I'll be making lists too - and you will have the honour of ticking things off when we've done them!

well - he's supposedly also sorting a friend to use the car and bring all of the rest of my stuff round.........slightly the principle, partly it's easier for him to drop the stuff off than me try and cart it round.

Lists........does that mean I need to make sure I have a pen and paper handy???

lol I can bring my own! How are you feeling now? Slightly more positive knowing that some of the house is going to get done?

yeah it's good to know some of the house will be sorted

ah good

I just got DD up to go to the toilet (she's been regressing lately and wetting the bed) and all she could say to me was "are we going to your friends house tomorrow mummy?" lol

I hope you two have a really productive day tomorrow. I've just looked at your pictures, TAF, and while I can see that it must be overwhelming to be living in the middle of the mess, between the two of you I think you can probably make a big difference in not a huge amount of time.

(And don't forget to phone the doctor)

Shan't be around early, as I am taking DD for her Grade 1 flute exam, but hope to check in with you at some point tomorrow.

Hope you sleep well tonight.

I will try and ring the Drs in the morning after I kick DS1 and 2 out to school.

do you know what I hate about depression (there I've admitted it - just need to try and admit it to a Dr......) is how you can feel "ok" (I don't feel marvelous or great, but I'm "ok" at the moment, but there's absolutely no fucking guarantee that I won't wake up in the morning feeling like shite.

And I wish I could stop replaying the events of September over and over in my head. I feel like I'm going mad, if I stop concentrating on something else for more than a few seconds it's there.

I know what you mean TAF. some days you're just coasting along nicely, the next it hits you, or something totally trivial triggers it all off again.

I've been 'ok' for a few months now but every now and then I have real low points. The not leaving the house is something that is continual though.

It's not easy admitting you're depressed, I know but facing up to it is honestly the hardest part. then its the talking about it, then trying to cope day to day.

When I was first diagnosed, I didn't have DD so I could just stay in bed all day/not eat/get drunk etc. It's ten times harder when you have children but you're also more likely to get support, cos it's not just your life its affecting, it can be the DC's aswell, much as we hate to admit it. (I can be a very horrible shouty mum when my head is fucked up)

Anyway, I know getting your house sorted isn't going to make everything better, but it will make life a bit easier to cope with for the time being. Going to bed now, but text if you need to, otherwise, I'll see you tomorrow

Toccata, I'm too far away to help but I'm really glad you have this thread. I've been worried about you from other threads, and I don't think that you have enough RL contact at the moment so staying online is a good idea.

Your experience has been horrific. I'm sorry, you've probably answered this already, but have you talked to your Dr about PTSD?

Oh my goodness darling, you've just had it rough haven't you?

I'm in America so can't come help (I missed cleaning Trinity's house too; I miss all the fun!) but I did want you know I'm thinking of you and if there's anything I can do please let me know. I'll send you some good vibes at the very least!

And your DS's are just adorable.

Hey Toccata, sorry I've been at work this evening so off-line.

I know you have seen my other thread, so the offer is still there.

You will get loads done tomorrow, but you know how to contact me now, so feel free - even if you want me to just fill up your freezer with casseroles and soup, then bugger off out of your life!

I've been shouting loads at the DS's recently, I've always been a "shouty" mum, but not ott, but it's been loads,and often over nothing recently.

Tortoise - no I haven't talked to my Dr about PTSD, haven't spoken to a Dr about anything to do with me since September, and even then when I went to the Drs to get checked over in the afternoon of the day that it happened he was rather dismissive of it as I didn't have any obvious markings on my throat (he never checked behind my ears - but my friends and SIL assured me they were really bruised. Although he did say that there had obviousl been "significant pressure" due to the pitchia (sp?) (burst blood vessels) in my eyes and on my face.

He was more concerned about whether I'd called the police, and whether I and the children were then safe (although it should be added he didn't tell Child Protection as he should have done seen as though DS3 was in the house at the time...........that was left to XH's assessment team to do 6 weeks later.........)

Thank fuck DS1 and 2 don't know what actually happened, they do know that daddy wasn't weel (as soon as I came round, as I was unconciouss for a short time) after the intiaal few minutes of hysteria had gone I just knew that it wasn't "him" iykwim. It was too random, too out of the blue (he'd never laid a finger on me, or even threatened me in 10yrs we'd been together, there was no argument or disagreement before he attacked me. Just totally and utterly random.

Ironically he saw the same Dr a little while after me (same day) who said he was "maybe a little depressed" but after my 2 SIL's (who both dropped everything to come and help) pushed him he did agree to getting an emergency appointment for him at the pysch unit

I didn't sleep very well, and DS3 got up at 6.20, followed swiftly by the other 2

And I got up to find a long rambling email from my mum about practically fuck all. And the only bit asking about me is

"Hope you're all keeping well" and then she asks if XH has found a job yet............I don't know why - don't you ask him, oh actually don't bother because you don't know he's claiming ESA at the moment because he was so ill he tried to kill me.

She wants to have a big birthday meal out with all the family for her birthday in August..........I really don't want to be there.

So am going to find somewhere for us to go for week 3 of the holidays and book it...........then say I'd already booked it.

ok I'm going to ring the Drs at 8.30 when they open, but I don't know what to say.

Receptionist will ask what it's about and why it's urgent (it's either that or have to wait up to 2 weeks.....)

wtf do I say?