can't even think of a title

[ToccataAndFudge]

yes BitofFun - you were right, it wasn't even 3 days, BeastofBodmin - yes I'm moaning again.

I'm not coping, I'm a fucking mess.

Have been trying to write it all down for the last hour and have given up.

If you've already posted on my other recent threads I haven't ignored the time and effort put it to try and support me, i do appreciate it I just can't even take my own advice right now

hiya, my offer of help was genuine, but I completely understand if you tell me to piss off and leave you alone cos you hardly know me and I don't want you to feel like I'm following you around so to speak ( noticed thread got deleted, don't know why, but didn't want to ask cos I don't want you to feel hassled)

Gah..I hope I'm not sounding like a twat, just trying to say I'm here, but wont be offended if you tell me to mind my own business

no I do need to accept help with it, right now I can barely keep on top of the day to day stuff, let alone get the house sorted from the move, actually done nothing apart from cook dinner and get the boys fed/dressed/to school

Just feels like accepting help that I've failed

Asked for the thread to be deleted,just kept looking at it and burstng into tears.

Vicar came round yesterday morning and talked me out of it

not sure what to say really.. you have had the most massive upheaval over the last 12 - 18 months

it is absolutely not a failure to be struggling to stay afloat

you would still qualify for homestart etc.. if your HV is nice, give her a bell or speak to your GP about more support

it is important you eat and drink , even if its just toast and coffee and take any meds you are prescribed...

wish i could do /say something more

I posted a thread with this title not so long ago so I get that feeling.

I have a terrible memory since having the kids so can't remember much of your story but I am here now and will listen if you want.

I had the most useless homestart woman 2yrs ago, she was as much help as a chocolate teapot (I actually rang up and said I didn't need her anymore as I found it that unhelpful).

Fab - I have a crap memory as well - is it you trying to reduce your food bill??

I have also had a rubbish homestart woman and then when dh called again years later and asked for help they came and said they couldn't help me.

Yes, I was trying to reduce my food bill.

how's that going (the food blll thing) know you had a good start to it

try again ! 2 years is a loooong time

is your GP/ HV nice?

try local surestart centres too

it's ahrd to have to work at finding support when you are feeling low and depressed though isn't it?

The problem I have is like this weekend not really enough money to do a proper shop so just bought a few bits and had to go again to pick things up but I am trying something different next month. I am also not buying any clothes as I have lost 7lbs and want to lose more so don't want to buy bigger stuff now.

saw my HV about 3 weeks ago (she came to see how I was doing just before I moved) and I told her I was fine......well I was externally and I was kidding myself that I was coping, but I wasn't coping then, and I'm definitely not coping now,

I late ate properly (well ate one meal anyhow) on Saturrday, have had cheese on toast (not melted just plonked on top of the toast) for lunch today, but only because DS3 insisted I had some as well.

I have a tub of my favourite Ben and Jerry's in the freezer, it's been there since before the weekend and I havent' touched it

I cant' stop going over and over in my head what happened back in September either. Not in a horrible, scary way, I just seem to be constantly "replaying" the whole thing in my head, just no emotions attached to it.

I can still recall every detail, and the house is a mess, there's no way my TMA is going to be submitted, just going to have to have it substituted, I'm stuck at home, hardly ever speak to anyone else (apart from online), morning school run for a few minutes, same in the afternoon, had a friend over for coffee yesterda afternoon (not that I was very talkative), won't actually have another proper conversation with someone until Thursday, then it'll be Sunday again before the next.

I rarely go out, apart from to get essentials from the shops, and no-one ever comes here, or phones.

I'm shouting at the kids more too

you might have PTSD

spek to your HV , be honest

mine was a lifesaver when i was struggling with severe PND, she would come round once a week for a chat and a cup of tea, keep an eye on things, offer support and a listneing ear and was marvellous

I'm going to give you my mobile number in a private fb message- up to you if you want to contact me or not, even just to talk about irrelevant stuff.

I can still get a lift over to help with the house if you're up for it? Just let me know

I know I need to go to the Dr, but can't face picking up the phone, I'm not good with phonecalls at the best of times.

Thanks Cordon - will probably text you later

TAF - does your vicar have any idea you're feeling like this? Could they help you make the phonecall, or even do it for you?

think she's got some idea after she came round to see me after I tried to resign as church organist. but I didnt' really manage actually say much to her

lulu - I never knew you had had PND. Which child was that after, how long were you ill and how did you get well? If you don't want to say just tell me.

How were things left with the vicar? Are you taking some time off?

no not taking time off, apparently she discussed with one of my 2 friends (who happened to be at the evening service about the letter and they both agreed that me even taking time off wasn't going to do me any good as I do actually enjoy playing.

So although she asked the question "do you want to stick to the letter you sent" in reality it was more of a "no you're not quitting"

Going to find someone (or something - ie CD) for most of the evening services except for Evensong, where above mentioned friends DD (or someone else) will babysit for me.

So you feel like shit and yet you still provide food (and maybe sometimes clean clothes) for kids and get them to school? Well done you! Reward yourself with a walk after the school run tomorrow if you can...I don't know your story but are you on ADs? They really can help if you get the right one you know. I did not want to take them but was persuaded it would make life better for my boys - and it has.

yes I'm feeding them,, and they generally have some clean clothes, school run in the morning is a cop out though, DS1 has 2 (well it was 3 this morning) friends that knock for him and they walk up together. I know that one of the mums stays near the infant school just to make sure they've crossed the small road ok, so I've been seeing them across the road in front of the house, and then letting the 4 of them walk DS2 to school.

DS1 walks home on his own and I just go and pick DS2 up (it's only the next street)

am going to go and curl up on the sofa. It's all I feel like doing now.

Don't here have the will power to sit here and faff around on here and FB

yes I did fab, after DS, who is 10.5, hence 6 year gap between DCs, i did get well , it was a long and difficult slog , the initial problem was that the PND was missed and ingored in teh early days , i was depressed within weeks of the birth, and had it been picekd up sooner, it would not have been so awful, i was not diagnoes until DS was 18 mths

i can talk to you off board ?

Hi lulu

Sorry to ask. I didn't want to do a shout out.

I have CAT or can give you my email?

It's ok, it's not a secret, i have discussed it but it is more like distant past for me now, i don't feel the need to talk about it on board if great detail...

i have CAT too

you can drop me a line