Support thread for those abused (whatever the abuse)

[adelicatequestion]

There seems an opportunity here to join together and provide support for each other wherever we are on our journey to recovering.

Post whatever you need, ideas, coping mechanisms, books you've found helpful, therapy techniques .....and anything else.

Good idea adelicate

Much as I'd love to accept the idea, it was actually Keziah who suggested it.

I just set it up.

Just joining up - thanks Keziah and ADQ. There seem to be quite a few of us who are struggling with child sexual abuse but as ADQ says it doesn't matter what kind of abuse. Abuse is abuse and the consequences are devastating.

Thanks so much ADQ - you are very kind. Support sounds good for us all.
Agree with you all, abuse is abuse - and the consequences don't just disappear.

So -hands held?
I am TTC#1 - and it is a bit tough ttc,with a loving and mainly supportive DH, and it is 17cycles now.

Oops - forgot to finish!

Coping mechanisms - sounds good to think about. I have created, in my head with therapist, a "box" where I can put everything in that I can't control it. Actually am on 2nd design of box, as "first one exploded" - this one is bigger, and has steel bands round it, a tap for things to go in and a one way valve.

Guess that makes me sound mad now!

Keziahhopes that's not mad - anything that works is good.

Hands held - yes

I'm going to my home country in the last week of Feb and am arranging to speak to the police about my abuse as I'm scared the bastard (my primary school teacher) is still at it and I feel I have to report it even though I am very scared. DH will be with me, kind friend has offered to come too but will save him for if/when there's a trial. My Dad doesn't know (Mum passed on years ago) and I'm scared to tell him but may have no choice if it's getting official. My memories only returned last year so I have so many gaps and doubts although the overall picture is (too) clea.

Thanks for reassurance wilsurvive this.

Sounds a brave step forwards - but I agree with reason for doing it. Great you got those 2 people for support. I guess it will take a while to be official, before your Dad will need to know. Understand about memories not returning - I managed to successfully block for many years! Have you any professional support for this time when reporting, in either country?

All the best for plans before you travel

Tonight I have been reading a book (recommended by willsurvivethis) and half way through I've just noticed a quote that says:

"Abuse is what happens to you. It is not who you are"

This is going to become my mantra fom now on. I will get through what happened to me and become the person I am.

ADQ

Thanks KH - I'm finishing with my therapist soon but I'm seeing her once more just before I go and twice afterwards to debrief, then we're looking for other options to continue treatment, probably in a group. I'm very blessed, I have quite a few friends who support me.

I sometimes wonder who the hell I am! It's always nice to feel good and wanted, but it's how to cope with the other stuff. After all, we're all such a mixture, and hell, I can be pretty horrible.

We all can SC - you no more than me or anyone else. Yesterday shouted at dh for still not being down to hug me 2mins after being back from therapy. But I need my hugs after therapy. Poor man!

Hi fellow survivors

I have addressed my abuse by taking my abuser through the courts when I was 20/21 (am now 33).I had alot of therapy (womens survivor group,one to one and specific sexual abuse counselling) back then when I crashed and it all came out during a massive bout of depression,I was then diagnosed with PTSD and generalised anxiety disorder.
I had a very tough time bringing up my eldest ,she was 3-5yrs while I was dealing with my demons-it was a awful time for all really.I also had issues with my mother,who stayed in touch with my abuser (her partner)and passively blamed me for the abuse.

I don't feel the anger or the pain anymore,I've let go of that as it was destroying me but I will never get over the fact I lost my childhood and innocence.

It doesn't hurt me anymore,I won't allow it.

Poshwellies I may be in need of your support over the next well how long I've no idea - you sound very strong.

I had a phonecall from an inspector from the sexual crime team in my home region this morning - I'm meeting him and a colleague the day after arriving 'back home'. Having a massive bout of what have I done. I don't want to take him through the courts, I can't even be angry with him (wish I was, therapist is thinking of ways to get me angry, friend has suggested I yell at him, even offered to p*ss me off but I don't do anger). I just want to know no child is still going through all this pain - I need to know he can no longer do his evil deeds . I'm terrified. And I'm a blardy lawyer. My masters dissertation was on the position of the victim in the criminal law system. But it all looks different from this side...

Will,it's a very very emotional and daunting time when you report abuse and that is a massive understatemen.The whole 'secret' is blown out in the open and you have nowhere to hide anymore.I felt like I was walking around naked after his arrest,I felt completely stripped to the core but I was also finally free of those chains of secrecy.

I reported my abuser not through anger,but I simply couldn't move forward,I was stuck,I needed closure,I felt like I wasn't whole.I also couldn't entertain the thought of any other human suffering at his hands.It transpired that he had remarried and his wife was due to give birth when the case was being heard at Crown Court .

I'm here when you need to talk,you are doing so well and yes,you WILL survive this!

Thoughts to all on this thread x

Today, I feel so angry and sad, but don't know what about.

I am cross with the children, I can hear them fighting upstairs but if I go up I will explode at them and it's not about them..

Wish I could be a better mum to them.

ADQ - just knowing what is causing you to feel like that (ie it is not the children) and not going up to explode at them sounds like a great Mum, really.

Sorry you don't know why you feeling angry/sad.

Today I realised I had only spent 4hrs out of my pj's and the thought of coming up to another week of ttc#1, is making my head go places it can't.

Keziahhopes - ttc is awful if there is so much stress and pressure behind it. I have seen it with close friends it is soul destroying. I feel for you. I hope and pray this month is different.

Giving you a hug for strength. Do you feel bad about spending most of the day in pjs?

I try not to - been off work since September and have always forced myself to get dressed first thing on the days I'm alone, ie when little man is at childminders. On the days when we're both at home it's a bit more chilled.

I'm still out of kilter after yesterday's phonecall from the police and the fact that it is becoming more and more clear that I will not be going back to my old job after 8 years with the organisation. The stress would be too much the office is at the brink of closure. Hoping for redundancy so it won't be my 'fault' but will resign and find another job otherwise. But it makes me - I never thought I'd leave this way and that my abuser gets to ruin everything.

By the way I have started a blog called survivor about my experiences of coming to terms with being a survivor of child sexual abuse.

Thanks for starting this thread. I'm in need of company tonight I think. The fuckers that stole my youth were never brought to justice, and it's a huge nasty complex bag of shite. I want to put it all behind me so much and for the most part I do but tonight I'm struggling a bit. My wonderful lovely partner is incredible but it doesn't stop the dark places in my mind from stealing up on me. I'm not sleeping tonight I don't think.

Hey BHLScot how's things - thanks for posting and joining us. Sorry it was too late for even me to respond.

Hi all,

I hope you don't mind me joining you, am a regular but have name changed for this - not out of shame or anything, just in case someone recognises details.

Can I just say you all are all incredibly strong in facing up to what has happened to you.

I've been having therapy, though recently finished as have been feeling better, though to be honest I'm a bit wobbly at the moment.

willsurvivethis - have just read your blog and while what I've experienced is maybe not as bad as what you & the other posters have experienced, it really struck a chord.

I grew up with a verbally and physically abusive mother and have been effectivley made the "scapegoat" of the family - though have done well for myself career wise and with ds, and have a good dh.

But one day as I was coming downstairs after putting ds down for his nap I was sort of hit in the face with a picture of my mother doing indecent stuff in front of me I'd been having a lot of anxiety symptoms since having ds but couldn't think why.

Gradually, over several months where I tried not think about it and didn't even tell dh, I realised the pictures, which kept coming back, were actual memories. It had happened lots of times when I was young and I must have suppressed it somehow. Even now though I "know" it happened, it still feels like I am making it up - esp when mothers just don't do these things to their children. I feel quite numb about it, though I still feel that way over the other stuff she did - maybe because I always felt it was my fault and don't feel I deserve to get upset or angry, which my therapist thought.

Even now she still seems to have control over me and makes me feel guilty for avoiding her - I have managed to reduce contact with her, which I did before these memories came back but this makes me evil as I'm apparently making her terribly depressed and upset, which she is telling other people anyway.
Though the strange thing is that she always made it clear that she hated me and often cut contact with me for months at a time only to resurface just before mother's day -I would have to give her presents etc and put on a facade. Same will happen this year. Luckliy, though sadly at the same time, she has never shown interest in ds.

Sorry for long windedness of post! Well done for reporting what happened to you, am thinking of you all.

mynewme thanks for posting. Please, and this is to everyone, do not consider your abuse less bad than others. Each of us has suffered something that has devastated us in some way. Yes ok I was raped when I was 8 but at least not by one of my parents and so we can go on. My dh suffered ''''''only''''''' emotional abuse and he is struggling to come to terms with the fact that he is displaying much the same signs and damage.

Most abuse survivors I know, including me, are pretty bad at the 'Sh*t, this happened to me, this is really really awful, it should not have happened and it is all so so wrong' thing.

I so know what you mean about eventually figuring out that images are actual memories. I was the last one to believe them and my dh's biggest fear is that when I go to report it and the police say you're the first one, there's nothing we can do, I will forever doubt myself.

willsurvivethis - I don't doubt the police will believe you, and there are loads of historic abuse cases in the news all the time . Not telling about abuse or suppressing it is apparently very common, the police will know this.
Is it a special - don't know the right word - "abuse" team within your local police that you are seeing? i.e. not just duty PC.
Some have got family and child teams I think.

Even if they find they can't get corroboratve evidence from anyone else at this stage - e.g. if no one else has reported anything about this man - this doen't mean what happened to you didn't happen iykwim; and you will have set the scene for others coming forward. Though others may have done so already.
Talking it over with the police will maybe help it feel more "real" - though this means you will prob need a lot of support, which it sounds like you have got. Good luck.

Thanks newme - complicating factor is that all this did not happen in the UK but in a different european country. We will stay with my dad and stepmum and as my dad still doesn't know 'go and visit a friend'. It also means my 2year old will have to come with us to the police station. I will speak to two inspectors from the regional sexual crime unit and their demeanor on the phone suggests experience in the careful handling of abuse survivors - ie lots of emphasis on 'you are in control', 'not until you're ready', 'at your pace' etc which gives me courage.

So whereas my lovely dh will be there most of my support network is in the UK, my home for the last 11 years. One of my closest friends has offered to come over for support, take time off work etc, but he doesn't speak the language plus explaining his presence to my dad (although they know each other) will make things far too complex. And to be honest if I need to give a statement I probably want to be on my own - haven't been able to tell dh more than the very bare facts - too hard, too much shame

Willsurvivethis - can understand wanting to give a statement on your own.. so would I! Perhaps use your family and friend there for support/activities that help (like looking after your 2yr old?) before and after visit to police station.

Yes, feel bad - 3 days in pj's been 3 days too many. Had my Antidepressants increased to max dose and my cpn today said he would speak to consultant to give me something prn to help in short term - I got up, teeth brushed and dressed to see cpn this am! And I do work part-time (it is the only thing I am holding on for right now, keeping a roof over my head and some semblance of normality for me. I am the only part-time worker without children, which has caused some diffiluty!)