Loosing my mind

[crappiestmumever]

Name changed...not that I post much but I'm too ashamed

As the title says I feel like I'm loosing my mind,
I saw my psychologist on wednesday, I trying to deal with some pretty horrific stuff from my childhood. While I was in there one of the pictures above her kept changing, I kept seeing a wolf, it had big sharp teeth and was really scaring me. She took the picture down but i couldn't get it out my head.
My depression is pretty bad at the moment and I have an emergency appointment with the psychiatrist this week.
I'm really scared, I keep seeing the wolves, I see them outside my house, behind the hedge waiting for me to leave so they can get me.
I'm really loosing the plot, I'm going from being as high as a kite to being a crumpled mess on the floor. The crisis team are coming tomorrow to see me, but I'm scared that if I open the door the wolves will get in.
It just seems to get worse, my daughter started her period yesterday and im having really bad flashbacks to when I was a child and my @bu$er$ would do really bad things to me and make me do disgusting things when I had mine.
I am going mad aren't I??
The site I normally use is down for maintanence and I just feel so alone and frightened

Good morning FLCME - did you get any sleep at all?

I didn't have a great night, when I did sleep dh woke me because I was dreaming and making noises.

DS on the other hand did very well in his new bed. Slept through the night, in all corners, fished him from the head end where the pillow normally is at midnight then found him upside down at 3.30 and right at the bottom when he called this morning

I won't be on much today, hope IHTT visit is helpful x

I hope you all have a good day today, glad your DS had a good night in his own bed.

IHTT have been and was a pointless visit. I asked the Dr on Tuesday not to send a male and what happens they send a male today on his own. I know with my logic head it's ok but it scared me, I was on my own because I sent the kids out, he says that they will only see me untilo the end of the week and then pass me back over to the CMHT, he said that my mood had picked up quite quick on friday, but really it hadn't, I felt overwhelmed by having them and my cpn in and I guess I put my happy smiley face on.

Today is really bad, I've cut my arms to bits, I've scrubed myself sore, I need to get the badness out of me.

I really hope you have a good day today, you deserve it. Thankyou again for your support over the past few weeks it's meant alot

There is no badness in you

You are not bad, you are good and innocent.

The badness is in them - all of it.

I know I won't be able to make you stop scrubbing yourself (which actually worries me more than the cutting) but I wish I coud make you see that you are worth living, loving and knowing and that there is no bad in you.

I can imagine you needed to put your smiley face on for the IHTT/cpn visit as it was so overwhelming. It is frustrating though because it means that once again you are not getting the help you need.

Hope your day improves x

It didnt improve but you know what it doesn't matter anymore, nothing does, I've had it with this shitty life and all the crap it throws at me.
I need things to be simple or even easy just for once, I'm not asking for it forever, just once

I dont know what I'm doing anymore
Whats real
I'm tired, tired of this life, like I said it doesnt matter anymore

Oh FLCME - lots of things do matter, your dcs, friends, you. You can't see it right now but they do. Hang in there.

What can you do right now to give yourself a chance of some sleep? Stupid things like a warm bath?

Thinking of you xx

I've tried the bath, that just made things worse i cant go in again as i have no more dressing left till i get to chemist tomorrow, iv gutted my kitched for my new tumble drier coming tomorrow, kids uniforms are all sorted, dishes washed, guinea pigs fed, i dont have anything left to do, I cant seem to stop

Sorry bath was stupid suggestion knowing you've been sh-ing.

I think I know the kind of mood you're in - I call it wired. Jittery, can't stop moving, thinking, and just feel totally cr*p. Very strong valerian tea takes the edge off for me usually and helps me sleep but then I've never been near a sleeping tablet so my system is probably easier persuaded than yours.

Oh I don't know - have to realise all I can really do to 'help' is be here and make you realise you're not on your own - best drop the silly practical suggestions

Hope you get some sleep xx

Please dont think that, you are helping by just being here, listening to me waffle on and on.
I really do appreciate it more than you could probably imagine.

I'm sorry if I made you feel you weren't

You made me feel nothing, my thoughts and feelings are my responsibility. I had to learn that others' feelings and actions were their responsibility not mine. It is another child a&use trait: taking responsibility for what others feel and think and do.

I keep posting here because when I was not doing too good a good friend texted me every day, sometimes several times, talked to me on facebook, dropped by, phoned. And it helped so much, so often the text came just at the right time.

it helps to know you are not alone.

Did you get some sleep?

PS You don't waffle!

Hello flcme did you get through the day yesterday? How are you doing?

I think I'm in self destruct mode
I'm pushing away everything and everyone that ever mattered to me

You know that saying 'Stop the bus I want to get off' Well I want the world to stop so I can get off.

IHTT came back in today, it was the same male that they sent on Sunday, he could see I was not great, said he will go back and speak to Dr and will phone me on Thursday with a view to visiting on Friday. They say now they wont be passing me back to the CMHT team till middle of next week now.
Why do they keep sending me a male worker? It's in my notes not to but they dont seem to realise how scared it makes me, I need to try speak to my cpn tomorrow and get her to talk to them.

I dont know what I'm doing anymore

Oh flip, forgot to name change

Well I've finally joined the other thread under this name, no point hiding anymore, I still feel like the crapiest mum ever but who knows that may change

Ah it's you - could have gotten quite confused there thinking I was talking to two different people!

Sorry you still feel like getting off the world and that the IHTT are so unhelpful - it sounded so promising on the first day. I'm glad they are not referring you back for now though - even though this man scares you he at least seems to have his eyes open and actually do something.

I hope that you're able to speak to your cpn about it.

still here, still thinking of you xx

Sorry for the confusion, my laptop crashed last night and I had sign back in and stupid me forgot to name change
Never mind couldn't go on hiding forever.
Missed the cpn today so hopefully I will get to talk all this through with my psychologist tomorrow