Loosing my mind

[crappiestmumever]

Name changed...not that I post much but I'm too ashamed

As the title says I feel like I'm loosing my mind,
I saw my psychologist on wednesday, I trying to deal with some pretty horrific stuff from my childhood. While I was in there one of the pictures above her kept changing, I kept seeing a wolf, it had big sharp teeth and was really scaring me. She took the picture down but i couldn't get it out my head.
My depression is pretty bad at the moment and I have an emergency appointment with the psychiatrist this week.
I'm really scared, I keep seeing the wolves, I see them outside my house, behind the hedge waiting for me to leave so they can get me.
I'm really loosing the plot, I'm going from being as high as a kite to being a crumpled mess on the floor. The crisis team are coming tomorrow to see me, but I'm scared that if I open the door the wolves will get in.
It just seems to get worse, my daughter started her period yesterday and im having really bad flashbacks to when I was a child and my @bu$er$ would do really bad things to me and make me do disgusting things when I had mine.
I am going mad aren't I??
The site I normally use is down for maintanence and I just feel so alone and frightened

Well done for going.

Going through what you are is the scariest thing ever and you did a really good job today.

You have done nothing wrong to feel bad about. I am so proud of you. You did something that is really hard to do.

I really hope the change helps.

Do you get regular therapy sessions.

You deserve some help. You deserve a mountain of help.

Please let them help. It akes a long time to trust that there are people out there who care and want to help. It takes time to trust that they are safe.

Once again, well done for going. Next time it may be a little bit easier.

Yes I see a psychologist, usually fortnightly but recently she has been seeing me weekly.
Shes too nice, and I struggle with nice badly.
Crisis team have phoned and asked how it went, they all work in the same building so why cant they communicate with each other. They told me that I need to put the past to the side and deal with the now, then when I've dealt with the now, the past wont bother me anymore. Not sure how thats supposed to work since its my past thats affecting the now.

I feel like I've failed everyone

Excuse what I'm about to say...

What a load of sh1t they are talking. You need help with both.

It makes me so angry because I was told the same by our mental health dept. I ws actually told by a psychologist "you're an adult now, you can chose to press charges and move on"..complete bunkum.

I knew I needed to deal with the past.

Unless they mean deal with the "wolves" in the immediate and then work on the past in time.

I'm so glad you went and that she saw how bad you really are feeling. Remember please - it is good to show them so they can help you. Don't let your a%users tell you otherwise. They have no power anymore. And they were wrong all alone.

The time for secrets is over!

I'm so ashamed though that they saw me like that, I cant let them see that I'm weak, i just cant

I've got my psychologist on thursday, she will want to talk aout the 2 letters I wrote her last week. Why do I make things so difficult for myself?

I feel so empty and alone, I dont know whats real and whats not anymore

It is so scary to show others what is really going on - it is as if you give up your last bit of control that way. But you don't, it is the beginning of taking control again.

Those letters were probably a good thing. I have before now tried and failed to tell friends what was going on and have sent them a facebook message or an email and allowed them to respond to that. Sometimes we can be more honest and open when we don't have to look at the face of the person we are talking to. A really close friend has just dropped me off home in his car and we have sat talking for an hour about my memories, flashbacks I've been having, stuff that's been going on, how bad I feel about myself. All that time I've had my face in my hands, there's no way I can look at his face, and that face is so familiar and safe. And he knows so much about me, has been my rock since I first told him - in writing of course - what was going on (my dh was not coping well himself at that time). But the shame is too great, however much I remind myself the shame is my abuser's not mine.

You must try to believe me and others who have posted on your thread, who have been there done that, that to open up is necessary and good. It is the way to leave your abusers behind and move on eventually. It is not an easy way, a lot like having a tooth pulled to deal with an infection. But it is worth it - I'm starting to feel that now.

Sorry for the ramble - it is late. Thinking of you. In fact you're one of the reasons why I still switched the computer on despite the time. And no you are not allowed to feel guilty about it!

How are you today? x

I've messed up big time
My arms are a mess, I'm a mess

Ok so you've self harmed. Thanks for sharing that - that's hard to do.

Self harming is a symptom of what you are going through. It is a way of dealing with the incredible pain inside you that has no other way out. It is nothing to be ashamed of and doesn't make you mad or subhuman and when your medication and counselling help you cope better (which they will) you will need it less.

You should get your new medication today? Please make sure you get it and take it. don't let this self harm episode trick you into thinking you can't be helped and you may as well not try.

Keep talking to us - no one is judging you, you are doing what you can.

Yes, got my increase in meds, but cant start them until tomorrow morning.
Dont feel well at all, feel like I'm not here, am so tired, just want to close my eyes and never open them.

I dont have any strength left to fight this

I can imagine you feel that way seeing what's been happening over the last few days and sh drains the life out of you too once it takes a bit of pressure away. Do you think you can sleep as soon as your dcs are in bed? (I mean the healthy kind with waking up in the morning).

You don't feel you can still fight, but you can. Little steps each day at a time. Remember tomorrow morning you can take your new meds.

You need to go and see your psychologist tomorrow. I know you're dreading it but you are in charge and control of what is spoken about between you. The fact that you have written things down does not mean you need ot expand on them verbally. Just do what you can that's all you can do.

Still here for you - not going anywhere x

I cant stop crying
crisis team phoned and asked how things were, I lied and told them everything was fine, i no its not gonna help me but im tired of talking, im tired of trying to put into words how im feeling when i dont no the words, its too late to phone them back

I need the world to stop so i can get off

I'm not criticising you at all, believe me I'm not but hun why did you tell them you were fine when you are so awfully not fine. Can you please ring them back and say I'm sorry I'm not fine, I'm so not fine that I can't talk about it because I've totally had it with everything.

Am getting with crisis team for palming you off with phonecalls.

Good morning how are you??

I'm a mess, I'm so tired I'm shaking and feeling sick, had really bad nightmares, woke up screaming, terified the kids
I dont know whats real and whats not anymore

It doesn't matter anymore, nothing does
I'm too tired to keep going

It does matter
You do matter
You and your kids
Worried about you, don't do anything stupid please. You may not think the kids need you but they do. Please believe me. Don't let them live the rest of their lives thinking mummy did not love them enough to stick around. Sorry that sounds harsh, I know you love them to bits.

Take your new meds. See your psychologist, tell her how bad things are or again print this thread off and show her.

One foot in front of the other, don't think just do.

You know what, through all of what i have read on your thread, you have been thinking about your children - you love your children, they love and need you.

I couldn't not post, but you need REAL help, and you need it NOW! Do you have anyone who can sit with you?

Get on the phone talk to another human being, the samritans - does anyone have the number?

You are NOT mad, hullucinations are a sign of excess stimulation of the image part of your brain - its not your "mind" its not you. Just something that is happening, like a head ache, or stomach ache - try and see it like that. That might give you back some control maybe?

I don't want to say the wrong thing to you, I feel a bit out of my depth but just wanted to say that you are someones mummy, the most important person in those children's lives. You are poorly, thats not your fault - you are a GOOD mummy - pleae PLEASE pick up the phone.

I dont know where to start...

I went and saw psychologist, she was nice, but then she always is.
She got my letters (why there couldn't be a posteal strike right now I dont know)she could see I was hurting really bad. I told her about the wolves and how scared I was, she said that she thinks its my brains way of telling me that I'm rushing things, that I need to slow down, its like a safety valve thats shut down.
She asked if it would be helpful for her to reply to any letters I write, which I think it would as sometimes it feels like everything is one sided.
I couldnt really tell her much about why im disgusted and ashamed of myself, i kind of skimmed over it so didnt really give her a chance to either agree or disagree with me.
She gave me homework, iv to write 2 lists, 1 side I've to put what I think a good mum is, and the other side I think is why I think I'm a bad mum, but I need to phone her and double check because my mnds gone a blank.

My head is still a mess, i still dont want to be here but i dont have an option of leaving yet, I feel more vulerable now than I did, I dont have any energy or anything else,
I dont know what I did that was so wrong, I dont know why they let me live, i dont know anything anymore

You have to live, you have to - you have children and they love you. Thats the bottom line.

You have done NOTHING wrong, you are ill. I can't really give you any advice as i am not qualified, by experience or learning. All i can say is when you feel so very low - look at your children, you have loved and cared for them and they love you. That is something very special. Please try and be proud of that.

Did she say anything about your meds?

The very fact that you are even considering yourself a bad mum, proves you are a GOOD mum, if you were bad, you woudlnt care!

keep posting x x x

Hi hun glad you went - have been thinking about you today. Amazing that you found the strength to go despite how you are feeling, that's so great. And no I know you're not feeling great.

You're here even though you don't feel you can/want to and you worry about being a good mum- that as the previous poster said proves you are a good mum. The only problem with me saying that is that I now have to apply that to myself too! Feel such a bad mum most of the time

Those feelings of being disgusting and ashamed have been there for so long they don't just go and they are hard to talk about. Even though I now know why I feel so ashamed it doesn't stop me. If I remember new things about myself that make me feel very ashamed I sometimes 'test them out' on a close friend. If he still wants to be my friend tells me not to be ashamed, that he still loves me the way I am I pluck up the courage to tell my husband. How mad is that. I can sometimes just get into a tizz that dh will stop loving me if he knows this or that...He's never done that so far.

Sounds like you have a good psychologist and you have actually allowed her to help you today. Remember you can dictate the pace and control the conversation.

Still here for you x

And no you did nothing wrong. They did not a&use you because you were small, pretty, there, bad, or anything. They did it because they have sick minds and are evil. Nothing to do with you or anything you did.

I'm glad they let you live. I'm glad you're here. You're going to dismiss what I say but you have enormous courage and strength or you would have long given up. That inspires me, and 'talking' to you helps me see where I go wrong myself and it helps me heal. And if they hadn't you wouldn't have had these beautiful kids.

Thankyou, both of you

Willsurvive I'm glad I've been of help to you to.
I spoke to psychologist again this afternoon as I ended up in an state again she says shes worried about me, doesnt want me left for long periods of time by myself, I struggle to accept someone can be worried about me, I dont feel I'm worth worrying about.
I need to close the box and put it back in the cupboard, I dont want to remember, i dont want to feel, I dont want any of it, but the box wont close and i feel everything.
She says I'm not going mad, I'm really distressed, which is not surprising after the year i've had.
I dont want to leave my children but it feels like while I'm still here I'm damaging them more

OMG

''she says shes worried about me, doesnt want me left for long periods of time by myself, I struggle to accept someone can be worried about me, I dont feel I'm worth worrying about.
I need to close the box and put it back in the cupboard, I dont want to remember, i dont want to feel, I dont want any of it, but the box wont close and i feel everything.''

If you had shown this to my friends this summer they would have thought it was from me, word for word!!

I still struggle to accept that someone worries about me. But it is a fact of life that people love and people care and that's what keeps things ticking.

I'm glad your psychologist gets to see a bit more of your 'inside' - it will mean more support for you!

I dont no what I'm doing
Kids are in bed and I'm in pieces
it hurts to breath, it hurts to think, it all hurts too much,
I dont want to think because it takes me to a place thats too dangerous and scarey
I spent nearly an hour on the phone to the crisis team and i know they were only trying to help but I just wanted to tell them to shut up, to fuck off, to leave me alone to end it all but they wouldnt they kept on and on and on about why I need to stay, why I need to not give up
I suppose in some way i was looking for their blessing to go, i was looking for a way out and they wouldnt give me it

Don't give up! I've been readin your thread and my god it's so hard to reach out for help when all you want to do is curl up in a ball.

I can't image how hard you are feeling (I have had thereapy etc for depression - but no where as hard as you have it).

You are not the Crappiest mum ever, all through this thread you talk warmly about your children and how you want them to have it better than you did. They will. You really need to show all the psychologist, crisis team etc how you are feeling, i know it's hard and your exhausted.

It will get better eventually but it is a struggle, but you're doing great.