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Original poster

Loosing my mind

190 replies

crappiestmumever · 16/01/2010 17:04

Name changed...not that I post much but I'm too ashamed

As the title says I feel like I'm loosing my mind,
I saw my psychologist on wednesday, I trying to deal with some pretty horrific stuff from my childhood. While I was in there one of the pictures above her kept changing, I kept seeing a wolf, it had big sharp teeth and was really scaring me. She took the picture down but i couldn't get it out my head.
My depression is pretty bad at the moment and I have an emergency appointment with the psychiatrist this week.
I'm really scared, I keep seeing the wolves, I see them outside my house, behind the hedge waiting for me to leave so they can get me.
I'm really loosing the plot, I'm going from being as high as a kite to being a crumpled mess on the floor. The crisis team are coming tomorrow to see me, but I'm scared that if I open the door the wolves will get in.
It just seems to get worse, my daughter started her period yesterday and im having really bad flashbacks to when I was a child and my @bu$er$ would do really bad things to me and make me do disgusting things when I had mine.
I am going mad aren't I??
The site I normally use is down for maintanence and I just feel so alone and frightened

OP posts:
willsurvivethis · 25/01/2010 20:34

That's an awful feeling and it cannot help your mental state. Sounds like you're doing well on the disciplining front and that I totally underestimated the problem, sorry.

Any idea about the root cause of all this? And don't say it's you because I will not believe you!

I assume avenues like her living with her dad have been explored?

dittany · 25/01/2010 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
crappiestmumever · 25/01/2010 21:17

Living with her dad isnt an option just now, he stays in England and I'm in Scotland.
He's not really interested in her or her brother unless its to show them off or he has to look the great dad, he likes to try and control me and everything i do, just now I'm seeing a lawyer to try and set up a contact order or whatever its called to try and give the kids a routine but hes going out of his way to make sure its all about him and not the kids
Social work think her behaviour is down to my mental health, but they seem to forget that her dad threw us out the family home, into homeless accomadation in amongst junkies and the like and her behaviour only really started then.

It doesnt matter anyway, nothing does anymore I've fought for too long to keep my family together and for what? There is no point in any of this anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
crappiestmumever · 25/01/2010 21:20

No her dad was never violent, more controling than anything, GP refered her to Camhs but they say there is no mental health problems so wont see her, she has just started seeing someone at Children 1st but the problem is she wont talk or she says what she thinks you want her to say.

OP posts:
willsurvivethis · 25/01/2010 21:38

You keep saying that you can't do it anymore, you are too tired to fight. Try this exercise that has really helped me and at one point also my dh.

Life right now is like you are at the bottom of a well and you are using your fingernails to try and climb out. It's too tiring and you keep falling down again. You're too tired and your nails hurt too much.

Now decide to just sit down at the bottom of the well and rest. Yes ok, you're not making progress but its ok. Just sit there for a bit. Take the pressure of yourself. You'll start trying to climb out again soon.

disregard if it makes no sense at all

Original poster
crappiestmumever · 25/01/2010 23:01

Willsurvive it does make sense, thanks for that x

OP posts:
lucyellensmummyisnotmad · 25/01/2010 23:29

willsurvive - you speak alot of sense x

crappy, thinking of you.

Is your DD who is lashing out the one who has started her periods? Might be worth talking to the doc, it could be PMT?? her hormones will be all over the place - i had pmt when i started and it was like WTF is going on here? Not trivialising but i want you to see that actually there could be other reasons for her behaviour. Its not right though and you need more help than you are getting.

You are so strong, as i said, i admire you so much - please keep fighting. I think willsurvive's last post was about the best bit of advice i have seen anywhere on mnet. Thats a gem.

hold on xx

willsurvivethis · 26/01/2010 11:28

How's things today hun? Have you been to see you psychiatrist? What did they say?

lucyellensmummyisnotmad · 26/01/2010 14:58

NOTcrappy - just to say, im going to have a bit of a mnet break (i have to do that sometimes when it takes up too much of my time) Will continue to think about you, and hope you don't mind if i say a few prayers for you.

XXX

loopylou6 · 26/01/2010 16:22

Hi CME. How are you feeling today? I have just read through this thread and I think you're incredibly brave. You WILL beat this, you will come out the other end a stronger person, and you know why? Because those monsters took away your childhood and most of the first part of your life, are you going to let them win? Are you going to let them spoil this part of your life to?

I know it sounds easier said than done, but you HAVE to fight this, for yourself and for your children and to let these monsters see that they haven't broken you. They took your body without your permission, don't let them take your mind too. YOU CAN DO THIS.

willsurvivethis · 26/01/2010 22:11

Missing you today hope you're ok. if you haven't been to psych or whatever don't feel you can't post. you can't let us down, you can only let us support you x

Original poster
crappiestmumever · 27/01/2010 00:16

Had an hours sleep last night, kids went to school ok although my daughter was barely speaking to me, her choice past caring at the moment.
Social worker phoned to tell me she would pick her up from school and take her to her appointment with children 1st. I told her about her behaviour last night and how I had said that because she caused her brother to miss swimming she wasn't going out with her befriender on friday. She said I wasn't allowed to do that, that that was something for her and she needed that, but why should my youngest miss out on things because she has decided that she doesn't want to go out? It's not fair on him, he sees his sister hurt me quite a bit and can do nothing, he doesn't complain when he cant get anywhere because of her behaviour. I also told her that my psychologist had said she would see me and my daughter for a couple of sessions to try and get the lines of communication going again between us, she said no that cant happen
By this point I was in a state, I went to my appointment and was sent straight to see duty Dr at the hospital, I spent 2 hours up there getting assessed, going through my history which was pretty hard, I am now under the care of the IHTT who are gonna visit daily to try and help me. The Dr gave me some different sleeping tablets and I've to keep a diary of what I eat/drink and when I sleep so that they can work with that to see if they can help me put some struture in my day and then they will look at my meds and see what they can do with them. So they are coming tomorrow to see me and I'm terrified if this doesn't help the next step is more than likely hospital and that scares me

OP posts:
Original poster
crappiestmumever · 27/01/2010 00:58

Sleeping tablets
Think they should rename them stay awake tablets

OP posts:
willsurvivethis · 27/01/2010 08:35

Thanks for the update - was glad to see you had posted.

WTF social worker telling you you can't do this and that. I think I kind of agree that stopping your daughter seeing her befriender is not a wise move but mainly for the impact it will have on you probably, although I can see where you are coming from too. But she's YOUR child, unless Social Services have been given an order of some sorts.

Does your ds not have a befriender or does he not make enough trouble to get some extra support?

I can see why you are terrified that if IHTT doesn't work hospital will be next, but you can't go on like this - just do what you can with the IHTT, don't let the fear paralise you [easy talking emoticon ]. I'm glad the IHTT got involved now although I'm sorry you had such a shite time at the hospital, few things are worse than going through your history AGAIN.

Hope you are coping today x

crappiestmumever · 27/01/2010 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

willsurvivethis · 27/01/2010 10:16

Why did the doctor have to ask that sjeesh that'd be hard enough to talk about in a safe setting if something like that exists for you

I know you're panicking - wonder if you feel they will judge you, your house, your parenting. They should be there to help you so I hope they behave accordingly. Have to repeat though and yes have easy taking again, that they can only help you if you show them what's going on.

Original poster
crappiestmumever · 27/01/2010 10:25

I amscared they will judge me, I'm scared they will see I'm not coping, when I go and see them I can put on the mask, let them think everything is better than what it actually is. In my house I cant do that I cant get up and leave when the going gets tough, I have to face it, which I suppose in a way thats good.
I've filled in my diary, doesnt look very good but I've done it.
My friends coming up at lunchtime to take me out for my lunch and then I've to see my lawyer to sort out the contact order, so hopefully a busy day will mean less time to think.

OP posts:
willsurvivethis · 27/01/2010 10:26

Umm yes I think you got it right there - the mask will have to go for you to get better...

Glad you have done the diary and that you have some people around you today.

Original poster
crappiestmumever · 27/01/2010 21:18

It went ok today, they were really helpful.
They are going to try and help me with my sleeping and eating, they asked alot of questions about what got me to this place and that I could be helped, that I wasn't going mad.

Seeing the lawyer was a different story, it looks like we have to go to court to get a contact order put in place so the kids get some structure and routine in their lives from him.

Lunch wasn't so great, but cant have it all ways.

How are you today willsurvive?

OP posts:
willsurvivethis · 27/01/2010 21:44

So pleased to hear about the IHTT being a positive thing. When push comes to shove helping you with sleeping and eating is probably the most important thing they can do for you isn't it. I'm back on a bad sleeping train and it is shocking how quickly it drains you. And I'm still getting 4/5 hours a night.

What a PITA about the contact, that you have to invest so much energy you don't have into his side of the bargain!

I'm struggling a bit, it looks like I won't be able to go back to my old job as it is too stressful and I won't cope for now, I have an appointment with the police next month about the a&use and I have an appointment tomorrow with an organisation that may be able to offer more counselling as my therapist and I have nearly come to the end of our allocated session.

If you're up to it come and join us on the abuse support thread...

Hope you sleep a bit tonight...

Keziahhopes · 27/01/2010 22:29

Hi CME - just catching up on your posts. So pleased to read that IHTT helpful and doing something concrete to support you and to keep you out of hospital.

I like the idea of your ds having his own befriender - so he can have treats too, and you know that whatever happens with dd that those are his times. Don't know if possible or not, but might be worth an ask?

What a shame CMHT not able to offer support/family therapy. I like your therapists idea - could you tell her what your SW said and see her response? I found my DH coming to a few sessions helpful, but that is a bit different, I know.

There are different types of sleeping tablets around ... I find they work for up to a week, then I get used to them, so take a break from them and then use then again. I use zolpidem/zopiclone. Hope you get few more hours tonight.

Original poster
crappiestmumever · 28/01/2010 02:17

ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
cant sleep

OP posts:
justsue · 28/01/2010 02:22

hey crappiestmumever, if it is any consolation i am struggling to sleep as well how are things going hun

Original poster
crappiestmumever · 28/01/2010 02:34

Not doing too good tonight, the sleeping tablets seem to make me more awake than sleepy
Never watched soo much crap on Tv as I have tonight.
Need to sleep, got too much on tomorrow to not be able to function properly

How you doing?

OP posts:
willsurvivethis · 28/01/2010 08:47

How you this morning - did you get ANY sleep at all?

I had a few hours, combination of my brain working overtime and my toddler son having gone from a dream sleeper to a toddler who screams for company at 4am - remembering how hard it is to be firm and not be manipulated when you're that tired...

Hope you function today and that IHTT is useful again