Loosing my mind

[crappiestmumever]

Name changed...not that I post much but I'm too ashamed

As the title says I feel like I'm loosing my mind,
I saw my psychologist on wednesday, I trying to deal with some pretty horrific stuff from my childhood. While I was in there one of the pictures above her kept changing, I kept seeing a wolf, it had big sharp teeth and was really scaring me. She took the picture down but i couldn't get it out my head.
My depression is pretty bad at the moment and I have an emergency appointment with the psychiatrist this week.
I'm really scared, I keep seeing the wolves, I see them outside my house, behind the hedge waiting for me to leave so they can get me.
I'm really loosing the plot, I'm going from being as high as a kite to being a crumpled mess on the floor. The crisis team are coming tomorrow to see me, but I'm scared that if I open the door the wolves will get in.
It just seems to get worse, my daughter started her period yesterday and im having really bad flashbacks to when I was a child and my @bu$er$ would do really bad things to me and make me do disgusting things when I had mine.
I am going mad aren't I??
The site I normally use is down for maintanence and I just feel so alone and frightened

Sorry to hear your not sleeping too well.
You have my sympathy in regards to a toddler not sleeping, thank goodness my 3 are by that stage now, although my youngest still does some bed hoping through the night. I managed an hour last night and then gave up.

Psychology appointment went ok today, still struggling with telling her things, I cant look at her when I talk to her. I told her something today that I hadn't told anyone and now I'm struggling with the guilt. She still says she worries and thinks about me between appointments, I hate that she does that as I dont think I'm worth worrying about. It didnt help to come home and put This morning on, it was like watching myself on there

IHTT came and stayed for 10 minutes then left it felt like a pretty pointless visit but to them it probably wasn't. They are coming tomorrow to do a joint vist with my cpn, not sure how I feel about that, am feeling a bit overwelmed with everything just now.

I hope your doing a bit better today and manage to get some sleep tonight

ffs this is ridiculous
Why cant I sleep?

I saw the time you posted this and thought oh no another bad night . Sounds like psychologist visit did indeed go pretty well if you managed to tell her something. Try not to feel guilty, you have nothing to feel guilty about. She is an adult with extensive professional training and how she feels between sessions is entirely her responsibility. I know what you mean, I used to spend a lot of time worrying about friends worrying about me. In fact last night was talking to a friend and I told him he could stop worrying about me as I'm kind of ok now and stuff. His answer was 'I'll decide when I can stop worrying about you'. I wish I could stop him but I can't, has been a tough one to accept. But people care about you! And me..

And as for your a&us*rs, don't even go there, they don't deserve any of your emotions except anger and contempt, certainly not your guilt.

IHTT and cpn together must feel overwhelming. Try to remember it's your home and you have nothing to be ashamed of, you are doing what you can and you deserve their support.

Still here, and yes thinking of you too, sorry xx

Oh and thanks for your support - have actually slept ok - once every few nights I get so tired I sleep through everything and wake up feeling like something has hit me.

But I had a meeting with a support organisation yesterday and they will take over counselling when my NHS sessions finish in March, so I won't have to do things on my own smile]

Well I fell asleep at 6am and my delighful friend phoned me at 7 to see how I'd slept and woke me up, was not impressed.
I'm really shaky today which is probably due to lack of sleep. I used to be like that after seeing the psychologist, I could sleep for Britain and probably got my full weeks sleep in that one night.

Thats good that you have something in place for when your NHS sessions finish. I'm dreading when mine finish as we are pretty limited here as to what we can access, although she has said there is no time limit on my sessions. I printed off some of what I wrote here and showed her and she said we will discuss it next week when I see her, but now I'm dreading seeing her, I think this morning it hit me what we had discussed yesterday and I'm feeling a mixture of shame and a bit vulnerable.

I hope today is ok for you. I'm trying to pluck up the courage to join the other thread but so far my courage has packed its bag and left the building.

Go easy on yourself. You've tried to pluck up the courage and that is enough for now. You are so hard on yourself! We'll just keep this as your personal support thread for now x

Same thing with the way you feel about telling your psychologist things - you are bound to feel very vulnerable as you have always needed to keep it a secret. Go at your own pace. That's very important.

I need to cut soo much, the kids are here and i need them to not be so i can do it
I cant stop crying, im a mess again,
I know I need to phone the team but im scared to, i cant talk when the kids are here i cant talk when they arent here, im tired of talking, tired of trying to explain, i dont have the words, i dont know how to explain

Cutting is a way of getting some relief. It is a symptom of what you are going through, it is not a big bad thing on it's own. It's great that you can come on here and say it though.

I hope you can phone the crisis team and cope with the situation.

The counsellor I saw at the organisation I went yesterday says cutting tends to lessen once the problem that causes it gets under control. Until then they even give special packs to help prevent infections etc.

Guess what I am saying is don't beat yourself up about feeling this way.

Thinking of you x

How's things now?

not great, tried to phone them 3 times but kept hanging up, i cant speak to them, i just cant, i dont have the words, i dont have the energy

Have you cut yourself? Are you alone now? Is there anything I can do or say to help?

You must have noticed by now that I'm not perturbed by your need to cut. I push my nails in my hand so hard I can still see it an hour later to cope with flashbacks and I have an eating disorder. We all have coping mechanisms.

not cut myself yet, have smashed a plate, scrubed myself sore, I dont know what I'm doing here, I want out

Hang in there hun x

Glad you're still posting.

You have started to open up a bit and that must make you feel so unsafe but it is good in the end please believe me on this.

I dont feel safe at all
I feel like everything I knew has gone and I have to start again.
I dont want to remember, I want to forget. I dont want to do this anymore its too hard

Yes, you must feel like that - I know. It must feel 'wrong' to open up, to talk after all this keeping of secrets.

You've started opening up but the need for secrecy and the fear you feel for 'them' have not changed. That makes things very difficult and that's why I have so much respect for you.

I have no easy answers. I can only say that in my experience it eventually pays to break the secret and start talking about things. BUT...it must be on your terms and at your pace. I don't know what it feels like but from where I'm standing you're going quite fast right now!

I am going fast, it feels like I got on the wrong ride at the shows, I started on the merry go round but some how it ended up being the rollercoaster and what might have started slow just sped up soo fast I cant stop it. My psychologist says we can take things at my pace, that maybe we are going to fast, the fact that I eneded up in hospital before christmas with chest pains and now the hallucinations is my body telling me to slow down, but I cant find the brakes, but then part of me thinks that if i do this fast it will be over with quicker but if i do it slow i will have a chance to think and thats a dangerous place for me to be in.
Not even sure any of this makes any sense

perfect sense

OMG

for once in my life I've made sense, theres always a first times I suppose

Hmm you may not think that if you knew what kind of a madwoman you made sense to

well from one madwoman to another Thankyou

How are you today hun - can you please change your nickname to one I can actually call you by? This one really doesn't work

Have you had any sleep? I slept like a baby and so did my baby - it was a bit of a surprise to wake up to daylight!!

really struggling today, haven't slept at all feel like I'm on borrowed time.

Have kind of changed my name was gonna use my registered name but then got scared that someone from RL would recognise me, but then I suppose with what I've wrote so far it wouldn't be difficult.

IHTT are coming tomorrow and I've managed to get the kids to go out so at least I wont have the worry of them being here.

I dont know what the answer is anymore, I'm really struggling to work out why I'm still here, I dont want to be, I'm tired of it, I'm struggling to cope with the flashbacks and the feelings, I want it all to go away, I dont want any of it

How are you doing today?

Yay you've changed your name - I'm sad you feel that you a a crappy mum but I know you are not!

Sorry you are having no sleep and a cr*p day.

If you could forget what happened it would be the best thing to do. Not remember, not deal with it just put the lot to bed. Hey I did it for 25 years during which I completely did not think about/remember what happened to me. But it catches up, it needs out to heal.

The only way to get rid of the nightmares and flashbacks is to deal with them, slowly. It WILL start to feel less unsafe at some point. You WILL to an extend get used to opening up to it.

In terms of meds could any of them be to blame for lack of sleep and excessive nightmares? One or two ADS can do that I think.

I had an ok day today, we're celebrating my lo's 2nd birthday tomorrow so I've made the cake and he's spending the first night in a big bed (everything crossed)- due to his disability he cannot walk yet so coming out is not the problem, just that he may feel disoriented when he wakes.

Hang in there - thinking of you x

Awww I hope you both have a great day.
First nights in big beds I think are worse for the parents than the wee ones, mine all slept like a dream but I was up most of the night panicing.

I wish I could forget, for a while when my youngest was a baby and I was in hospital with pnd I did forget, but that was down to the ECT I had recieved. For once I actually felt at peace with things, but after about a year it all started to come back, but worse, I started to remembered more, but I shut it away, tried to deny it, tried to pretend that it happened to someone else, after all how could my parents do and allow that to happen to me? but as you can tell it didn't work, it just made it worse. I had seen the psychologist I'm seeing now 6 years ago after I was r@ped, but I just danced about the subject, couldn't really commit to talking about it, I think she got soo fed up of me she asked for me to take a 6 month break and then come back. I did but a month later I ended up back in hospital and was that drugged up I couldn't really talk. Two months after being discharged from hospital she stopped the sessions and said if I wanted to come back I could in a years time. Everytime I have been refered to someone its because they felt it was for the best, not because I wanted it or asked for it.

When I started back with my psychologist this time it was different because I asked to see her, I knew it had to be dealt with because it was affecting my whole life. This time round has been so so hard, I have told her things that I have told no one, in some ways I feel more ashamed now than I did then, I feel like I've betrayed them in the worst possible way. In the 2 years I have been seeing the psychologist things have gone soo wrong in my life, my daughters behaviour, involvement with the police and FPU because of her behaviour, my gran becoming so unwell that my parents wormed their way back into her life and took over it, which means I cannot see her, ss threatening to remove my youngest 2 children and put them in the care of their dad because I'm an unfit mum but allowing me to keep my oldest child, it's all gone soo wrong which makes me wonder if talking about it is a good thing. It feels like I'm being punished all over again for talking, for telling

I can imagine you feel like that
Like you're punished for opening up.

Not offering glib answers here. Just feel for you and can't help but think that in the long run opening up will be for the good.

Try to remember your a&users do not deserve your guilt, shame and consideration x