Loosing my mind

[crappiestmumever]

Name changed...not that I post much but I'm too ashamed

As the title says I feel like I'm loosing my mind,
I saw my psychologist on wednesday, I trying to deal with some pretty horrific stuff from my childhood. While I was in there one of the pictures above her kept changing, I kept seeing a wolf, it had big sharp teeth and was really scaring me. She took the picture down but i couldn't get it out my head.
My depression is pretty bad at the moment and I have an emergency appointment with the psychiatrist this week.
I'm really scared, I keep seeing the wolves, I see them outside my house, behind the hedge waiting for me to leave so they can get me.
I'm really loosing the plot, I'm going from being as high as a kite to being a crumpled mess on the floor. The crisis team are coming tomorrow to see me, but I'm scared that if I open the door the wolves will get in.
It just seems to get worse, my daughter started her period yesterday and im having really bad flashbacks to when I was a child and my @bu$er$ would do really bad things to me and make me do disgusting things when I had mine.
I am going mad aren't I??
The site I normally use is down for maintanence and I just feel so alone and frightened

NotCME, I should also post that I absolutely 100% believe you when you say what happened. It was never and will never be your fault. The person who should care for, love and protect you broke your trust in the most vile way . Although my abuser was my brother, the feelings may be similar - I don't want to say they are the same because I cannot pretend to know how you are feeling, i'm trying (badly probably) to let you know that people here do understand, that you are not judged by us, you are honoured as a survivor!

Anger is an odd thing isn't it? For many many years I internalised my anger - I self-harmed and then became bulimic for pretty much 9 years, and drank far too much. I also found myself feeling angry with friends and teachers who didn't help me (obviously they knew nothing about it, but who said anger was rational?!)

My life was an utter mess. Lookng back, the panic attacks and anxiety were the beginning of my recovery. It was a long hard road but so well worth it in the end. I now have 2 gorgeous boys and rarely feel down - I honestly would not have believed that statement 3 years ago, I really thought I'd feel utterly distressed forever.

sorry, that was very me, me,me. How are you doing this evening?

I'm not doing very good tonight dont know whats wrong, cant settle, thoughts are running mad in my head, I need them to shut up, I dont think I can do this anymore

have you just changed your meds dose? it might be that.

Do you have a crisis number? can you call the samaritans?

trivial things that might help - warm bath, soothing music - watch some dross on the TV, concentrate on your breathing?

My counsellor told me to just BREATHE

You have to sit yourself comfy, but upright so you are not constricting your lungs because you are going to try and get as much oxygen in as you can. Then slowly concentrate on breathing in from your diaphragm, think about slowing your heart beat down, take your pulse if it helps - im an ex vet nurse and we used to sit with the heart rate monitor on our fingers and will our heart rates slower so it works, just breathe slowly in and out, don't force it. Dont think anything - just breathing.

Its about getting your body out of the flight or fight mode.

For me I get my ipod out and play meatloaf full blast so I can;t think of anything else other than the music.

I just wanted to add another voice to those telling you that you're NOT a crap mother and you are NOT dirty or wrong or mad in anyway. You can and will get through this.

As for the age, certain situations find us reverting back to a childlike state. A poor example but I became terrified of the dentist as a child and as a rational adult I still reverted back to that childlike state of fear when faced with teeth issues. I can only imagine the impact such awful abuse could have on your state of mind resulting in an inability to function on an adult level in such situations.
( I didn't even go to the dentist for 20 years-I'm a wimp unlike you, and for what?). You are being BRAVE making steps to offload and share your problems and seek help. I wish you all the best, you deserve some care by now.

You've done something big and frightening today hun - you've talked to us about very sensitive stuff, it's bound to upset you a lot. This gets less over time. Be as kind to yourself as you can x

Hope you are feeling OK today xx

Good morning hun how's things? x

I'm so tired, heads busting, I need to sleep but I cant, have had about 6 hours sleep in the past week.
I did something stupid last night and took extra tablets in the hope that i would be able to sleep but all it did was make me sick.
Lost the plot with my oldest this morning over something so simple
I really cant do this, its soo hard, I'm sorry

Stop saying sorry - you do not owe any of us an apology. We are just concerned for you.

We all lose the plot with our kids sometimes and half the time they deserve it royally.

Hope you manage to sleep a bit more because sleep deprivation must be exacerbating your symptoms a lot. Can you describe what is keeping you awake? If that is a stupid question just ignore. Have you been given anything specifically to help you sleep?

Still thinking about you - glad you posted again x

When or if I fall asleep whether its downstairs through the day or at night I have really bad nightmares, sometimes its reliving what they did, that they find me, they hurt my daughter, it feels more real now than it ever did.

Sometimes my youngest gets into my bed through the night and just the feeling of him lifting back the covers sends me into a screaming state.

My oldest creeps about at night and it freaks me out, he isnt doing anything bad but just the footsteps scare me.

The Dr sometimes gives me sleeping tablets but they dont really help me sleep, the quetiapine is supposed to help me sleep at night but it doesn't. I'm scared to sleep because if I do sleep I have no control my dreams.

Wow you are in a permanent fight/flight state - any wonder that you are so exhausted. Your system is running on adrenaline .

Is your youngest too young to be told not to get in your bed? It is frustrating when innocent gestures do this. I can hit someone - even someone I trust, if they touch my shoulders or stop me from leaving a situation I need out of. This abuse has so much to answer for .

I'm sat here wracking my brain for suggestions but of course can only think of very trite things that probably don't help. Would give quite a bit for you to have a good night sleep. I remember the sleeping from 2-4am days too well and that was rarely more than 3 nights in a row.

Can only post here to support you and keep telling you to be as honest with the medical people as you can.

hiya hun how are you today? Do you find weekends hard because the kids are around or are they a good distraction for you?

why can something so simple turn out to be so hard.
I only had to take my daughter to her dance exam but couldnt even do that without the crisis team coaxing me out the door. By the time I got there I had been sick twice, had to be calmed down by the dance teacher. When we left I was sick again and only stopped being sick at 8 pm tonight.
Crisis team want the intense home treatment team involved as my meds are making no difference and I'm really struggling so they are gonna speak to my cpn tomorrow.
I'm sat here shaking because I can hear them scratching at the door trying to get in, they not gonna give up until I give in.
My arms feels so heavy, my whole body feels like a dead weight. I feel so useless, simple things that I should be able to do I cant, but even if I mangage or try I end up in such a state that I fall apart.
Tomorrow (well today now) is another day, I know I need to think its not gonna be as crap as all the other days, but to be honest all I can think of is getting the kids out the door to school and going to the chemist, this all feels wrong, it feels wrong that I'm alive, I feel like I've disapointed everyone, my family, my kids, my friends the lot.
I cant get clean tonight I've scrubbed myself with bleach but I cant get rid of the smell of them, the taste of them, the feel of them, I cant get rid of them at all.

Huney you haven't disappointed anyone. Your friends and others who care for you and know what has happened will place their negative feelings where they belong: with your abusers!

I for one am in awe of you letting the crisis team coax you out of the door if you felt bad enough to need them to do that iyswim

I like the thought of an intensive home treatment team if it means someone is seeing you daily because it is what you need.

Can you stop yourself cleaning yourself with bleach? It wasn't made for humans and is incredibly bad for you. Try having a shower with a handful of salt to scrub your skin - salt is cleaning, healing and disinfecting.

Still here, still thinking about you and not going to stop x

oh love - no advice, just sending you my thoughts xx

It just goes from bad to worse

I went back to my bed after kids went to school to see if I could catch up with some sleep and get rid of my headache but according to the crisis team that was wrong, I should have phoned them, they aren't phoning mr anymore I have to phone them if I need them, IHTT aren't happening either.
They spoke to my cpn this morning about it all and shes quite happy for me to wait until I see her on friday. I told them I was worried about disapointing the psychiatrist tomorrow as I dont feel any better and I dont feel the meds have made much difference, they told me that its not about the meds if i dont do anything to help myself no one else will. They are all fed up of me and who could blame them.
Was supposed to take my youngest 2 to swimming lessons tonight but my daughter kicked off so I'm now black and blue again from her hurting me. Shes decided she didnt want to go so now her younger brother has to miss out. I'm gonna get a hard time again off her dad as he pays for their lessons and its my responsibility to get them there but I cant if shes kicking off like this.
He's got a bloody cheek though considering he hasnt seen them since August.
I'm sick of this crappy life that I have
I think it would be for the best if I left it
I only make things worse
I'm no good to anyone anymore, its best for everyone if I end it now

Were they expecting a call?

I think it seems perfectly sensible to try and catch up on your sleep while the children are at school.

Professionals are not always right.

Phone them again and tell them you need help, proper support.

You are good to people, especially your children. What they are reacting to is not getting what they want - Not you personally.

They would be devastated if anything happened to you.

What time do you see the psychiatrist tomorrow?

it is so hard to make that call but please do i bad place too have you got edt number

Appointment is tomorrow at 12 with psychiatrist but theres no point in going, no point in anything anymore.
I've come to the end of the road, I've been my daughters punching bag for the past 2 years, and nothing is changing there.

I was only to phone the crisis team if i felt like i was gonna harm myself or i wasnt coping, there wasn't a time arranged to phone them and i didnt need them this morning as they couldnt make my headache go only lieing still in a dark room could do that.

i spoke to my psychologist after my daughter kicked off and I'm getting really paranoid, i think shes getting fed up of me too, they all are, i'm just an inconvenience to everyone

Stop it - please!!!

You are letting yourself run down a spiral very fast.

Your daughter is too young and you should not take her behaviour so personally. She needs you. If you struggle with discipline that's totally understandable in the circumstances, she still needs you.

I'm not letting off the hook, I want you to stay around. Feeling like kicking seven bells out of your 'team' but that's another matter.

Trust us that your kids need you, take your meds and see your psychiatrist tomorrow. It's their job to treat you - their personal opinion about you doesn't come into it. It is a typical abuse thing, ask me and any abuse survivor on here, that bl**dy need to liked, accepted, loved, by all and sundry and yet continually worry about rejection. I always feel my close friends are now finally fed up with me, but they never do.

Please post back later or tomorrow to tell me you're still here.

You are absolutely not an inconvenience.

Please go to the psychiatrist tomorrow and explain exactly how you feel. Don't give them the impression you are coping.

How old is your daughter? Tell them what she is doing.

You are not strong enough to take this all on at the moment. Please, please go tomorrow. You are worth it and you will get through this even though it is hard at the moment.

My daughter is 11, 12 in March. She has been violent towards me for over 2 years. They all know what she does but because it doesnt spill out into school its no ones problem but mine. The police have been involved twice because of the violence, shes wrecked my house, tried to strangle her younger brother, I've been covered in bite marks and bruises but no one seems too bothered. I do disapline her, just now shes grounded, no computer, no phone, no phonecalls from friends but she doesnt care.

It doesn't matter anymore, I've tried to fix this and its not worked

I feel like I've gone full circle from being a child being abused by an adult to an adult being abused by a child