Loosing my mind

[crappiestmumever]

Name changed...not that I post much but I'm too ashamed

As the title says I feel like I'm loosing my mind,
I saw my psychologist on wednesday, I trying to deal with some pretty horrific stuff from my childhood. While I was in there one of the pictures above her kept changing, I kept seeing a wolf, it had big sharp teeth and was really scaring me. She took the picture down but i couldn't get it out my head.
My depression is pretty bad at the moment and I have an emergency appointment with the psychiatrist this week.
I'm really scared, I keep seeing the wolves, I see them outside my house, behind the hedge waiting for me to leave so they can get me.
I'm really loosing the plot, I'm going from being as high as a kite to being a crumpled mess on the floor. The crisis team are coming tomorrow to see me, but I'm scared that if I open the door the wolves will get in.
It just seems to get worse, my daughter started her period yesterday and im having really bad flashbacks to when I was a child and my @bu$er$ would do really bad things to me and make me do disgusting things when I had mine.
I am going mad aren't I??
The site I normally use is down for maintanence and I just feel so alone and frightened

Please know that there are people out here who are thinking of you. One day you will feel the sun on your face again and hear your children laugh, and you will feel as though you are back in this world.
Do you feel up to reading anything?.I have had very dark times and reading other people's experiences helped me to feel less alone and less 'wierd'.Little steps at the moment are enough-hour to hour-be as kind to yourself as you can-this too will pass....

Just a quick post - I'm not surprised that you feel as though you're losing your mind; you are clearly not in control of the terrifying thoughts from the past, which keep traumatising you. I think dittany has a point when she suggests that the wolves could represent your abusers - it sounds like your mind's perfectly normal way of trying to process a massive trauma.

Well done for seeking support and drawing on the strength of other people to enable you to work through this all. Trauma like this takes many, many years to work through, but you can and will overcome this.

Just want to lend you support - just because you feel as though you are losing your mind, it doesn't mean that you are.

Good morning NOT crappiest mum ever - how's things this morning?

I'm glad the crisis team did not let you go last night and I know you're still here.

I'm pretty very sure that you are suffering and struggling far more than I ever have even this summer, but I do remember feeling so much worse once I actually started opening up and telling people how I was feeling. Like it sapped my strength and took away my crutches.

It didn't last forever, I discovered I had friends who really wanted to listen to me and let me cry on their shoulder and slowly things got better. I was thinking yesterday afternoon that you were possibly feeling so vulnerable and poorly because you allowed your psychologist in.

Still here for you - not going anywhere. Give your kids a big hug today and let them remind you why you're here. You have a job to do - loving them x

I cant talk to my friends about this, The few I have know some of my past but they dont know the full extent. I suppose I dont want to burden them, i dont want them to feel sorry for me, I suppose if they really knew what happened nthey would hate me.
Its funny(well not really but you know what I mean) I went to school in Germany, I was a forces child and lost touch with alot of my school friends. I found alot of them through facebook and I'm more angry at them for not seeing what was going on and helping me than my mum and dad for doing what they did.
You have all been so nice, part of me hoped thought you would all tell me to get a grip, to stop being so pathetic.

My cpn is due in in 10mins so I better go get ready

You don't need to be told to get a grip - you must have sore finger nails from holding on as it is

You don't want people to feel sorry for you, I know, but people may just love you regardless of what's happened. My friends have felt very sad and sometimes angry when they learned of my past, but they have never pitied me or felt sorry for me. I had to learn that the hard way by just being told all the time. And most of the time I still run from it.

Why would anyone hate you for having been abused? You did nothing wrong!!!!!!!!!!

And as to being angry with your friends instead of your parents - I get angry with my parents, especially my mum who's now dead, but not with my teacher who did some pretty unspeakable things.

oh i am so and for you - but i also am full of admiration FOR you, you have survived something that i cannot imagine.

I was thinking about you last night - i was thinking about hte wolves thing, as you know, they are not real, they are a manifestation of the emotional overload you are dealing with just now, but they are in your mind. Well, i was thinking, and this might be silly. I actually really like wolves, same as I like lions and tigers - you know. Well seeing as they are in your mind, can you not just view it as a picture? turn it into a positive - that sort of thing, instead of freaking out because you are seeing them - again, that gives you control - you could tell them to sit or something equally as daft? But it might just work?

Anyway, just to let you know i'm thinking of you today

I feel for you sweetie

I have been throught the trauma of abuse and the rearing its fucking vile ugly head-you have to take this minute by minute.

Putting it bluntly-screw everyone else,just concentrate on you and your children.You will have questions,leave them until you get yourself back on a even keel,those question can wait.

I didn't have visions like you but I had terrific flashbacks and couldn't move or speak for hours after.I also felt completely detached from my body,for about 3 weeks ,I felt like I was in a nightmare,keep telling yourself-they aren't real,you are in reality,those images will NOT hurt you.Keep bbreathing through the pain.NO-ONE CAN HURT YOU NOW.

I know you probably really aren't up for anything that you have to concentrate on but this book was a bit of a bible for me here.

I think you are doing yourself an injustice-you are a wonderful person-a survivor and not a victim, ALWAYS.

Cpn came, shes increasing her visits to weekly for the next few weeks to try and get me through this crisis.
We didnt really talk much about what I'm seeing and feeling, most of the time was spent on talking about my ex and the hassles with him and how best to get through that.
I needed to talk about other stuff but I couldn't find the words and emotionally im exhausted.

I dont know how to do this, I'm scared by talking about it I'm betraying them, I know they aren't to blame for it all, some of it was my fault, no scrap that most of it was my fault.

Nothing makes sense anymore, nothing feels real,

hun, please, how can any of it be your fault. Can you say WHY it was your fault then?

You are not betraying them. You are not not not not. If they have done horrible things to you they are responsible for that. You did not ask for it, they didn't need to do it because of how you behaved. None of it is true. They as adults chose to do unspeakable things to you. You managed to survive it. But none of it is your fault.

see Dittany and I writing exactly the same thing and cross posting - what does that tell you? That we are both mad? Well maybe but still...not your fault.

ok here goes

when I was 3 I can kind of accept that i had no control over what they did, but as I got older I could have done more to stop them, when my dad would go on exercise he would tell me I had to look after my mum, make sure she was happy, so I did but she was never happy. When he let his friends do what they wanted I never did it right so I had to be punished. It stopped for a bit when I was 18 when he threw me out the house.I was 21 the next time I saw them not long after I had my first son. I went back and stayed with them when my son was 3 months old, I knew what he was like, I knew what could happen and I still went back.
My son was in the cot next to me when I let my dad, his grandad, do horrible things to me I didnt fight him, I just let him do what he wanted, and it still didnt make me stop going home, it took until I was 25 and after he had hospitalised my mum for me to stop going home, because I didnt want my son knowing that his grandad beat up his gran, it didnt matter what they did to me, I didnt want my son seeing his gran get beat up like I watched time and time again.

So there you go, now you can all hate me, you can all see what a disgusting dirty little tramp I was/am

You are unbelievably brave.

I so wish I was where you are so I could give you the biggest hug you would be comfortable with.

I am disgusted- with your parents and their friends. Not with you.

You had no choice not when you were 3, not when you were 21, not when you were 25. The fact that you were no longer 3 doesn't mean you could stop them. Try to learn more about what abuse does to your psyche. When I was 19 I thought I found a lovely older friend who was supportive in a difficult time. he gave me shoulder massages, then let his hands wander down and it went further and further. I thought it was consensual simply because I was an adult. It wasn't - it was abuse and I was powerless to stop it due to my previous abuse.

You were a captive, you were in survival mode, you had no choice.

YOU HAD NO CHOICE
IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT
YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE ASHAMED

xxxxx

Because you've been so brave I will share my shame.

If I knew I was in for it - usually because my teacher smuggled me to the gym and locked the door behind us- I would sometimes 'seduce' him, take the initiative, try to make him do what was less painful for me, please him any way I could.

It made me feel a dirty little slut - a feeling I have managed to carry into adulthood - it also made it impossible to tell my mum and dad what happened.

The shame over this is so huge. When I eventually needed to talk about it I practised on a friend who responded full of love and sadness for what I had had to do. Only then could I tell my dh.

I'm sure you will look at this and say I had no reason to be ashamed and it was all my teacher's fault. It's the same for you.

No, not brave, stupid, really stupid
stupid to think I can do this

Yes well I did not think you would accept what I said - that would be far too hard. I know. I still mean it though. And you're still not disgusting!

What is the 'it' that you cannot do? For now try to just throw bits of info out to people like you've just done - just whenever you feel like doing so. Get used to the idea of talking about it, or writing. And find out that way that there is no punishment or disgust. Give yourself lots of time.

you're panicking now because of what you have told - is fine. Protect yourself any way you need to x

CME - It doesn;t matter what age you were. It's what THEY did that's wrong.

You are in no way stupid. You are struggling to understand and process the feelings that THEY caused.

You are the one who will come through this stronger.

Its interesting that you talk about your ex and the hassles. I do the same. I talk to my psychologist about all the little niggles I have with DH and its all to avoid talking about waht happened to me.

When you realise it is safe to tell and no one will judge you, it will get easier.

Take care and take little steps.

We will all support you withoutjudging you and you most CERTAINLY ARE NOT any of the things you call yourself.

Hi NotCME, I just wanted to let you know I am also thinking of you, praying for you, and I was also going to recommend the very same book that poshwellies recommended.

My abuser was also a family member and like you, I felt so disgusted, ashamed and guilty. Finally, after 2 counsellors who I couldn't open up to I got paired up with a great counsellor who I eventually told my deepest darkest secret too.

I know the intense panic, the feeling of going insane, the feeling that it'll never end, never go away but believe me and the others on this thread, it WILL get better now you've opened up.

You are not dirty or disgusting, you are amazingly brave and YOU HAVE SURVIVED!

oh NOTcrappy, i'm so so so very sorry you had to go through that - I just don't have the words

please understand this was not your fault - you have done NOTHING NOTHING wrong, nothing to be ashamed of, you are not dirty you are not a tramp, please please please know that.

There are so many brave people on this thread, im humbled

I don't know what to say - just to say that as someone who THANK GOD has not been through anything like that, I can say that there is definately NO fault with you whatsoever - i just so angry for you, you must keep fighting, reclaim your life. I hope those who hurt you have been brought to justice - bastards.

Thanks Willsurvive for sharing,
I haven't run away yet, yes i am panicing as I feel more vulnerable.
I struggle to tell 1 person but I've just posted a bit of it on the internet.

That must have took some guts crappy, seriously. I'm glad you could share that with me and feel quite humbled by it - you surely must know that you are a GOOD person and a GOOD mum x x x

I probably am not going to post anymore advice as there are people here in a better position to support you, but please know that i am thinking of you and will post every now and then so i can offer you more supprt, thats i can can offer you is my virtual support, i know it doesn't mean much, but you deserve so much more