Loosing my mind

[crappiestmumever]

Name changed...not that I post much but I'm too ashamed

As the title says I feel like I'm loosing my mind,
I saw my psychologist on wednesday, I trying to deal with some pretty horrific stuff from my childhood. While I was in there one of the pictures above her kept changing, I kept seeing a wolf, it had big sharp teeth and was really scaring me. She took the picture down but i couldn't get it out my head.
My depression is pretty bad at the moment and I have an emergency appointment with the psychiatrist this week.
I'm really scared, I keep seeing the wolves, I see them outside my house, behind the hedge waiting for me to leave so they can get me.
I'm really loosing the plot, I'm going from being as high as a kite to being a crumpled mess on the floor. The crisis team are coming tomorrow to see me, but I'm scared that if I open the door the wolves will get in.
It just seems to get worse, my daughter started her period yesterday and im having really bad flashbacks to when I was a child and my @bu$er$ would do really bad things to me and make me do disgusting things when I had mine.
I am going mad aren't I??
The site I normally use is down for maintanence and I just feel so alone and frightened

You are not losing your mind but you are not ok and you do need help and i don't think you should wait until an appointment sometime next week. I think I would feel better if you got in touch with someone today and possibly go to hospital today, because there is a bit of friction between reality and your reality right now. Does the crisis team know about the wolves? If not can you ring and tell them?

You have a very good reason for it though. I was badly abused and if I ever have a daughter God knows how I would react. You are not going mad - but you do need some help!

Dittany you could be right, I dont know.

I tried to phone psychologist on Thursday to talk to her but she didnt call back and dosent work a friday. Phoned my cpn yesterday but when she called me back she was in a rush to get to her next client and I didnt get a chance to say much, just that my daughter had started her periods and I was struggling with that. She said she would ask the crisis team to keep in touch over the weekend.
They phoned today and I told them, they asked if I had ever had hallucinations(sp) before?
They said they would come out tomorrow if I could tell them I would be safe until then and if I didnt feel safe then would I phone nhs24

You need some more help!

I've had this- seeing things (especially faces) - knowing it wasn't real, but unable to forget about it.

It is likely that they will put you on some kind of antipsychotic meds for a few weeks until things calm down again. They can make you feel pretty spaced but they are also very good at getting rid of these symptoms.

If you don't feel safe overnight, please call the CPN OOH service - they can really help!

I'm already on a really high dose of anti-psychotics and 2 lots of anti-depressants but for a long time they haven't been helping

I'm scared I'm gonna end up in hospital again, I'm scared social work are gonna take my children and I wont get them back

Oh gosh so you're an old hand at this and you know what you are talking about -

I would like to think that they will only take your kids away if you are a danger to them.

Have you been able to have talking therapy about the abuse or is that far too painful/dangerous?

I've been seeing a psychologist for nearly 2 years now, shes lovely, she listens to what I say, but the problem is I cant say alot of things because I'm scared I'll upset her, scared she will see me for the dirty disgusting person that I am

I do not think you are dirty or disgusting, I don't believe that your therapist thinks that either so you should try to tell her everything. You have had some dreadful things happen to you and they are affecting your life now. This is not unusual but you sound very upset and unwell and I really do think the best thing would be for you to call someone and to ask for their help. Even if it is someone just to listen for a while and to be there.

This is the number for saneline 0845 767 8000
You can also call the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90 - these lovely people are here 24 hours a day (you don't have to be suicidal to call them!) and they will listen to you as you are feeling distressed and help you make sense of a few things.

I do urge you to reach out to someone at least on the telephone and let them give you a bit of help. We all need a helping hand at some time and you have done the right thing by making a post on this site. You do not sound like someone who has lost their mind, you sound like someone who is unwell and need some comfort. I will be thinking of you.

I think she knows there are things I'm not telling her, I have wrote to her a few times with things I cant say out loud but then I struggle going back to her as I'm scared of her reaction (not that she has ever given me any reason to think otherwise)
Part of me is scared that if I tell her stuff she wont beleive me, like I wasn't believed in the past when I told

She will believe you.

I went to my therapist for a year before I told her anything.

No matter how bad and disgusting you feel - you are NOT bad and disgusting and your therapist will not think that you are.

She will think you have been very badly hurt and are in need of her help.

She will help you if you let her.

I understand how painfully hard it is. When I first told, I had my hands over my face because I didn't want her to see me.

When I started t tell her it did get a bit easier each time.

When you feel ready, you will start to tell, but please take it easy on yourself.

And post here if it helps you.

Crisis team aren't coming out now, they will phone every few hours to make sure I'm ok. They felt I couldnt really talk to them much if the kids were about, but over the phone I could speak easier.
The plan is to get me to tuesday when I see temporary psychiatrist.
Psychologist will get her letter tomorrow and will hate me, she will see what I'm really like.
Cpn is supposed to be phoning tomorrow but I'm tired of talking, I just want to close my eyes and sleep forever, but I cant as everytime I close them i see things, I havent slept since thursday and even then that was only an hour.

Crisis team kept saying that I did know that the wolves weren't real didn't I?
but that makes me feel even madder, if no one else can see them I really must be loosing my mind. That because I am still getting things done is a good thing, but I'm a single mum with no one around to help so I have to do it, if I dont do it I will loose my children
I'm a complete mess

yes they know I'm not sleeping, they said I was just to try and rest today, not go to my bed but to just lie on the couch resting.

They are going to speak to cpn tomorrow before she speaks to me to tell her how things have been over the weekend.

I've had to take my pictures down because they were scaring me. Their faces are all distorted and all I see is the teeth, sharp and growling at me, its like the wolves are in here now.

All I keep thinking is the kids are at school tomorrow I dont need to keep safe any more

Yes you do still need to keep safe - they need you when they are back from school. And you will be there - because you are their mummy and you love them like that xx

I know what you are feeling, I know this horrible shameful feeling. Please get some help now, demand it. It is your right.

I did a years worth of art therapy becaue I couldnt say the things out loud, and it was the best thing I ever did. But there are not many art therapists and I think it woud be a great way of expressing yourself in a non vocal way.

Please call them tonight and tell them what you have told us,and by the way you are not the crappiest mum ever...because you are doing something about it

I'm so scared, its like its a sign I shouldn't be talking about it, its like they know I have told and are coming to punish me

Hey hun who are 'they' - no one is coming to punish you because you have done nothing wrong. You have no reason to be punished. Are you having flashbacks? I sometimes forget what is really happening when I have one?

It's good to tell - if 'they' are your abusers they don't want you to tell - they need secrets, but you don't need to keep secrets you need to tell!

You are not feeling safe - can you call someone now? I'm worried because i see you deteriorate before my eyes!

Hey, NOT-crappiest mum ever how are you? Looking out for you, did you survive the night?

Thanks willsurvive, I'm still here, dont want to be but here

Still waiting for cpn and crisis team to phone, getting really paranoid that they haven't phoned because they are trying to put me in hospital.

I feel so deflated
just want it all to be over
sorry

You have nothing to be sorry for (the friend who uses that phrase against me time and time again would be in stitches seeing this but hey )

Glad you are still there - not glad that you are still waiting or that you are feeling the way you do. I could imagine you are running out of energy to contact them. I doubt they are conspiring behind your back

• that's probably illness talking. After all they have left you on your own all weekend and have not been to see you, so they don't have an opinion on how bad things are.

Not guilt tripping you - because it doesn't work I know that too well myself - but try to stay there for your kids, they do need you even if you feel you are doing a rubbish job.

well cpn is finshed now for the day so guess shes not phoning,
Why do they do that?
Say they will phone and then dont
it doesnt matter
i have no energy left to fight this, kids will be in from school soon and i need to glue my mask firmly on so they think everything is wonderful

I dont know how to do this anymore, I dont see what the point is
I just want it to go away

crappiestmumever, I'm so sorry that you are feeling like this.

What's happening now is that you are in a state of mind that you wouldn't normally be in.

Who can come and be with the kids this evening so you can get some support at home?

You need to get some help for you my darling and soon.

Are the Crisis Team coming out tonight?

Bugger, my last post meant to start..

NOTTHEcrappiestmumever

sorry