Loosing my mind

[crappiestmumever]

Name changed...not that I post much but I'm too ashamed

As the title says I feel like I'm loosing my mind,
I saw my psychologist on wednesday, I trying to deal with some pretty horrific stuff from my childhood. While I was in there one of the pictures above her kept changing, I kept seeing a wolf, it had big sharp teeth and was really scaring me. She took the picture down but i couldn't get it out my head.
My depression is pretty bad at the moment and I have an emergency appointment with the psychiatrist this week.
I'm really scared, I keep seeing the wolves, I see them outside my house, behind the hedge waiting for me to leave so they can get me.
I'm really loosing the plot, I'm going from being as high as a kite to being a crumpled mess on the floor. The crisis team are coming tomorrow to see me, but I'm scared that if I open the door the wolves will get in.
It just seems to get worse, my daughter started her period yesterday and im having really bad flashbacks to when I was a child and my @bu$er$ would do really bad things to me and make me do disgusting things when I had mine.
I am going mad aren't I??
The site I normally use is down for maintanence and I just feel so alone and frightened

If you want me to call the crisis team for you CAT me your real name and a telephone number - this is a totally no pressure open offer if you want it. Just that my concern for you is growing.

crisis team have phoned, they are gonna phone later on before they finsh, they asked if cpn had phoned me, told them no.
I have an appointment with the temporary psychiatrist tomorrow, but I have no energy to go, to try and explain, im scared i will get it wrong, that i will say the wrong thing
I dont know what to do or how to do this.
Kids are sposedto be at swiming lessons tonight but i cant go out, im not dressed, im scared to go out
I'm a mess

Do you normally take the DC's to and from swimming? Can anyone at all do either journey for you.

If not and you really aren't able to go out then them missing one night of swimming is not the worst thing ever.

I do think the Crisis Team or a HOme TReatment Team should be com9ing out to see you tonight. They should be able to provide support for you to remain at home rather then be hospitalised, (if it is that serious).

I'm hoping you get help soon.

If you feel you can't talk to the psychiatrist you could print out this thread and take it with you - it gives at least a good hint of what is going on.

Will look out for you tonight - don't give up

Your all being so nice and I dont feel like I deserve it

I feel really guilty that the kids had to miss swimming, even at my worst I always make sure they still get to their clubs. I've not even got dressed today.

My oldest son who's 15 made them all their dinner tonight because I dont have the energy to. My friend is just off the phone demanding to know what I said to the crisis team, why I have them involved then telling me how I shouldn't have told the crisis team my son was making dinner as they will now phone social work and say I'm puttin my kids at risk.
My children are safe its just me that doesnt feel safe.

You do deserve people being nice to you - we all do. You are no exception. The people who have hurt you in the past have made you feel like you don't deserve it.

Can't make out whether your friend was helpful or trying to be helpful but most 15 year olds make dinner every once in a while - heck I cooked every day at 13 when my mum was ill and no one came to take us away!

You need to be honest with the crisis team so they can help you and so help your kids.

Are they offering you any help at all?

Darling, your friend is not able to provide the support you need right now and the chances are the Crisis Team will be able.

I know how scared you are of Social workers and believe me, I understand.

Less than two weeks ago I became very unwell and was admitted to an acute psychiatric ward. I was there for four days.

Two things have come out from that which have been important to me.

Firstly, my stay was informal. I wasn't sectioned and that looks slightly better on my records.

The second thing is I have asked to be referred to Children and Families so that I'm taking the initiative in getting support.

Social Care Teams really do try and keep families together and you sound like a very caring mum. You are really doing a fantastic job but you need a bit of extra help right now.

You deserve a lot of support.

(Unmumsnetty hugs)

we are already involved with the children and families team, they have been less than helpful. The senior social worker involved with us has decided that as I have a mental health problem I'm an unfit mum but then he did say at the meeting in August that it didnt really matter what kind of disability I had I was emotionally damaging my children My lawyer stepped in and they backed down as there is/was no evidence that my children were being damaged, but I feel like I'm always looking over my shoulder.

eveything feels so hopeless,
I feel so useless
nothing feels real anymore
I dont know how much more I can do

It must feel like you are fighting and fighting and fighting but never get anywhere.

That can't do your mental health any good. At least it sound like you had a good lawyer.

The only thing you can really do is put some fighting energy into telling the psychologist and the psychiatrist what has really been done to you and how you really feel. The will have heard it before and they will know where it comes from. Even though I rationally know that the abuse i suffered was not my fault, I still feel ashamed and that no one who would really know me would like me and want to be with me. My husband and friends disagree but the feeling is really strong. All because some total * touched me in places he had no right to. It is not your fault, you are not disgusting, you are a loveable human being.

I just want it to go away, I dont want to remember, I dont want to feel it, I dont want any of it

Crisis team are gonna phone me before my appointment tomorrow to make sure I go to it.
I dont want to go, I want to hide from it all

I dont understand any of this, why me?
Why doesnt it get easier? I've had depression for 15 years and it still doesnt feel like its getting any easier. I dont know maybe they're right, maybe I deserved it all, maybe the world would be a better place without me

No they are not right. I've asked you before who they are. Voices? You don't need to listen to them.

They are wrong

Ask your kids if this world would be a better place without you and i think I know the answer. I know what I am saying now doesn't get through to where it needs to go, because I've been myself convinced for quite a while that it would be better if i would no longer be there and my dh could marry and my ds would have a lovely stepmummy who would do it all much better. A lovely friend talked me out of it eventually. He worried quite a lot about me this summer...

I can imagine you don't want anything, don''t want to remember, you want it to go away, and if it did go away then that would be fine but it doesn't does it, it is a whopping big great pink elephant making you very ill.

Please please please go see the psych tomorrow and show them what you have written here over the last few days. You need help - you are not beyond help - you deserve help.

willisurvivethis has put it so much better than I could.

It must be exhausting dealing with such huge emotions. I know it doesn't feel like it now but that pink lephant is only there because by pretending it's not there, the fear of it has been made enormous. The accumalation of fifteen years of unhealed trauma is what's contributing to make you unwell.

This can change in so many ways. PLease go to your appointment tomorrow.As willisurvivethis has said, just print out this thread. You can tell them without even opening your mouth. I hope they will look after you. You said it was a temp psychiatrist. Do you have a CPN?

Wishing you strength.

'they' are my @bu$er$, my mum, dad and their friends.

I'm so ashamed of what I took part in.
I wanted something different for my children than I had, most of it is different, they are safe, fed and clean but then anyone can do that for them, they dont need me here to do that.

I dont no how I ended up here, where it all went wrong

Yes its a temp psychiatrist, mine is off sick just now and we dont no when she will be back. I have a cpn who is ok most of the time but sometimes i feel shes fed up of me(which is prob me just being paranoid)

You were a child - it was not your fault. I have done things that I was very ashamed of but it was not my fault - I did what I had to do to survive physically, and emotionally. I fessed up to my dh and some friends what I had done and they all responded the same - it was not your fault, it is your abusers fault, you were good at surviving thank God that's why you're still here.

I guess I'm getting a bit worked up because I feel so sure that when you disclose to the people around you, your psych and therapist what you are so ashamed of they will say the same thing and you will gradually learn that you are not disgusting and horrible and that you have no reason to be ashamed. I'm not there yet - it's very hard. I used to and still do sometimes call myself a sl*t because of what I did and what happened in subsequent relationships. Out on a limb here now and on the borderline of more open than I'm comfortable with but you need to see that you have no reason to be ashamed and blame yourself.

ditto what willisurvivethis said.

I have to go to bed now but I will check back in the morning to see how you're getting on. You are safe now and so are your children and I hope you sleep properly and get some rest.

Take care.

Willsurvivethis, your probably right I guess in the past when I have tried to say what happened I've been dismissed, made to believe that I imagined it.
My psychologist just now has been great and so far has never given me any reason to doubt her but I'm scared incase she rejects me too

You won't be dismissed or disbelieved
No one has reason to dismiss or disbelieve you

The pain of abuse thrives on continued secrecy

I will get off your back for a few hours - but I am here whenever - CAT me if you want, anything.

Just not leaving you alone in this x

Thankyou, it means alot,
I guess I need to learn to trust again and trust the right people and maybe myself (if that makes any sense)

Good morning,

I hope you got some sleep. How are you feeling today?

I feel I need to add my two penneth worth.

I would 100000% back up what willsurvivethis has said.

Look at my thread about child abuse. I have spent years and years living with this and wouldn;t tell. I started seeing a different psychiatrist about 18 months ago. On Friday I told him stuff and you know what...

he wasn;t even shocked. and what I told him to me was the pits of the earth. But he was really good and now it's out, I do feel a relief.

I still have a long long way to go to recover from what happened to me, but I feel like I am going to recover rather than the despair I previously felt.

I have 3 children and worry all the time whether I'm doing the right thing. You are looking after your children and you only have to be "good enough" not perfect. They need to know they're loved, fed, clothed and you there for them. The fact that you're 15 yr old cooks dinner - well done to you for giving him the skills to do that.

I know and understand it is hard to say out loud what happened (maybe write it down) and it will get better. Don;t wait for them to ask because they will wait for you until you're ready. Tell them now, today and then come home and be nice to yourself.

Hope it all goes ok today.

ADQ

Morning Not-crappiest mum ever - hope you are coping today - please go to see your psychiatrist today and tell us that you've been.

Will be here on and off today xx

I feel like the lamb going to the slaughter, managed to sleep for 1/2 an hour, I've ended up in such a state I've been sick all morning. I've got an hour before I have to leave, I'm scared that she wont be able to help me, that she will tell me that I just need to give it time, that they cant change my meds or that I'm unhelpable.

My minds racing and I cant keep up with it

You are not the lamb going to the slaughter. She WILL help you. They are not there to make judgements on you and they won;t.

They will be able to help you, however you need to tell them what the problem is so that they know how best to help. I completely and utterly understand how hard this is and you WILL do it when you are ready.

I have been reading a book on trauma and recovery and one of the things it said in the book is that people are often misdiagnosed and don;t get the diagnosis of complex ptsd (what I have after abuse). It's really important you give them the information so they can provide the diagnosis, care and medication you need.

My psychiatrist told me that often people who have been abused instinctivley clam up and are not able to tell. This might be out of your control. I know I clammed up for ages and even if I wanted to I wouldnt have been able to tell. Maybe take a piece of paper. You don;t have to go into details - just write down that you were abused and need help to tell the details.

Sorry fi this comes across a bit clinical. I kept things to myself for sooo long and went through every sort of counselling, medication and now I'm getting the correct treatment and its making all the difference.

I hope it goes how you want it to and you come out feeling more like they will help you.

I went
She was really nice
I managed to tell her most things but I think the fact that I freaked in the reception with the pictures let her see how bad and scared I was feeling.
She asked which was worse, the images or my mood.
She didnt want to change things too quick so shes increasing my anti psychotic and if that helps with the images then when i see her next week she will look at my anti depressants.
I wont get my new prescription until tomorrow
I feel really deflated now, feel really stupid for getting in the state I did, I feel like I shouldnt have told her, it feels wrong to say how I'm feeling, it feels wrong to accept help, I'm used to someone wanting to be nice to me and not wanting something in return