Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Original poster

|i think dh is having a nervous breakdown and I don't know what to do

389 replies

snowkitten · 14/12/2009 11:19

he is totally stressed, regularly sobs or bursts into rages.He is totally wired. Twitches, shakes, rants, rocks in tension. he has two high profile jobs and is under enormous pressure. This is having a terrible effect on me and lo's. He rows with dd (nearly 12yo) adn it is having a dreadful effect on her well being. I am worried sick. Saturday morning he had ds and dd in tears because he swiped the contents of the breakfast talbe onto the floor, dd was pleading with him to stop (I was in teh shower) she came upstairs carrying ds (3yo) asking me to help her . Yesterdat, he was to put up Xmas tree and decs with ds and dd. i went out to get mince pies and party snacks for us to share and when I got back dd was in floods of tears because dh could not find the lights adn he erupted. it is horrendous and I am at teh end of my tether. I need your help please

OP posts:
Original poster
snowkitten · 14/12/2009 11:36

Please help

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 14/12/2009 11:39

I am so sorry to hear this.

Do you have anyone you can talk to? His parents, or siblings?

Or your GP might be able to advise you on the best way to get help.

lowrib · 14/12/2009 11:39

snowkitten I don't know if I can be of much help, but I don't want to leave your post unanswered. This sounds like a horrendous situation.

Is it only recently that your DH has been like this or is it in character?

Does he accept that there is a problem? Can you get him to go to his GP? If he won't go, I suggest you go yourself and talk it over with your GP, he may be able to offer good advice.

I would also suggest talking to Women's Aid, it may help to talk it over with them, and I expect they can put you in contact with people who can help. Although you don't mention violence towards you, this is a scary situation, and I'm sure some of Women's Aid's contacts could be very useful to you.

I'm sure some other people will be along to help to in a little while.

Sending you hugs.

lowrib · 14/12/2009 11:41

Women's Aid contact details:

Women's Aid

0808 2000 247

GypsyMoth · 14/12/2009 11:45

does he apologise afterwards? or in any way acknowledge his behaviour?

how are your dc's around him after this weekend?

pushmepullssantassleigh · 14/12/2009 11:46

It does sound like a nervous breakdown, particularly the rocking, which has been a fairly sure sign ime. obviously the situation where he is yelling and frightening your DD is not tenable.

He almost certainly needs some external support to get through this. Can you talk to him about how worried you are when he is calm and persuade him to go to the GP? It is quite likely that he knows there is something wrong, but is too overwhelmed to do anything about it.

If you can't get him to go to the GP then it might be worth booking an appointment for yourself and having a chat with them about the best way to proceed. I really feel for you. I had an exDP go through a similar situation and it was exhausting and distressing for all concerned.

Original poster
snowkitten · 14/12/2009 11:47

MmeLindt/lowrib - he is a very het up person generally and drinks heavily (two bottles of wine most nights . dd knows this and has poured bottles away in teh past. He is not a violent drunk but he is a drinker nonetheless and that in itself is ann enormous problem here.I have posted about this under a diff name but dd has got my name now so i have changed it. His sister suffers from anxiety and they are not close at all, his Dad and he do not really get on and his mum is in hosp after a fall and has had a hip replacement as a result. He is the most complex man i havenever met. He rang just now and said his boss asked if he was alright as his behaviour is erratic and people have commented. he laughed it off as him being mildly eccentric. Total denial

OP posts:
Original poster
snowkitten · 14/12/2009 11:50

ilovetiffany - he sometimes apologises but tends to brush it under carpet if he can. When he apologises it us usually very remorseful adn tearful but it doesny last.

OP posts:
lowrib · 14/12/2009 11:55

The fact that his boss has mentioned it is important. Can you use this as leverage to get him to the Dr maybe?

lowrib · 14/12/2009 11:56

I have to go out now, but I will be back later. I hope you're OK.

Original poster
snowkitten · 14/12/2009 11:56

lowrib - he wouldn't go to the docs unless I dragged him there. he is reticent about any intervention

OP posts:
Original poster
snowkitten · 14/12/2009 11:57

lowrib - thank you. I am exhausted. but thank you

OP posts:
FlyMeToDunoon · 14/12/2009 12:05

Snowkitten can you get him to any kind of help do you think? My DP eventually found a herbalist who he went to initially for help sleeping. Now he goes once every 6 months and seems to use the man like a therapist too.
My DP saw his problem as a sleep one at the time. He couldn't see outside of his own world and it was very hard to penetrate his 'wall' of reasoning.

FlyMeToDunoon · 14/12/2009 12:05

6 weeks sorry.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 14/12/2009 12:12

Your DH really needs to see a GP. It sounds like his mental health is really impacting on you and your children. I think you are right to be concerned.

If you can't persuade him to visit the GP at this point in time, you really should go and get some advice from the Gp about where you can go from here and what you can do to help your Dh as he won't accept he has a problem. You need some suppport aswell and hopefully the GP will be able to offer some.

The fact that his work has expressed concern is also cause for concern IMO.

Take care

serajen · 14/12/2009 13:24

Honey, you and your kids can't go on living like this, there is a definite alcohol problem IMO, this is sounding like a dangerous situation that could erupt into something at any time, please put you and your kids first, move somewhere, anywhere, even if just for a short while

Original poster
snowkitten · 14/12/2009 15:10

serajen - ;i know there is an alcohol prob. dd found him at foot of stairs collapsed recently and it has totally unsettled her. His response? Loads of blokes drink too much and fall over. I am fighting a losing battle and I hate it

OP posts:
YouKnowStuffingIsForLunch · 14/12/2009 15:18

snowkitten your DH's behaviour is very similar to how my DH was when suffering with terrible depression. You must get him to a GP

I met my DH from work, he normally cycles, and told him I had made an apt at the GP and I was going with him. If he didn't want to go in then he could wait for me and I would go and talk to his GP for him. He went in and told them everything, admitted some things I didn't even know about

It's not fair that he's hurting your DCs. Mine (then 11 and 3) were incredibly hurt by it and became scared of him.

Things are better now, there are so many medications to help.

The fact that he's erratic in work is very worrying. He's finding it harder to keep a lid on it and see what is acceptable and what isn't. You must protect yourselves.

OrmIrian · 14/12/2009 15:21

God that sounds a little bit like me before I went back on my citalopram. Completely unable to find perspective, everything was too hard to deal with, temper on a hair trigger. Could be depression.

Original poster
snowkitten · 14/12/2009 15:24

stuffing - my lo's are 11 and 3 too. Same is applying here. I tis horrendous. He wonders why i cannot sleep at nihts and was aghast when I told him that his moods/stress were affecting me too. He couldn;t get his head round that at all. I don't understand it

OP posts:
Original poster
snowkitten · 14/12/2009 15:25

ormirian - at least you were brave enough to face it. my dh won't

OP posts:
traceybath · 14/12/2009 15:30

I think I would have a very frank discussion with him. Tell him he either goes to GP or he has to leave - you and your children can not live like this and he needs to realise that.

Has he been violent with you - slightly concerned that could be the next step.

Much sympathy though, my DH has a temper but I don't tolerate it as will not live a life of walking on eggshells. Always worse with my DH when he is stressed. Exercise and eating well makes a massive difference to him.

YouKnowStuffingIsForLunch · 14/12/2009 15:37

Odd coincidence snow

He needs help, it's very difficult in the midst of everything going on in his head for him to think rationally about getting help. You need to be firm with him and ask him to go.

Could you convince him to go "Just to put your mind at rest?"

You need to NOT protect him from the effect he is having on the family. Be honest about what he does and how it makes you and the DCs feel. I know DH often didn't remember half the times he was angry or unbearable, so he may not realise how much he is hurting you all.

IT sounds like he's a ticking time bomb. Time is of the essence. Can you call the GP now and make and appointment for tonight (this IS an emergency)? Or for tomorrow?

He's more likely to go if the appointment is already made IME, otherwise he may just put it off.

YouKnowStuffingIsForLunch · 14/12/2009 15:38

(go to the GP BTW, you only need to ask him to go if he's doing nothing to improve)

AxisofEvil · 14/12/2009 15:44

Agree with everyone who said get him to the GP asap. This is an emergency so don't be fobbed off by them. best of luck