|i think dh is having a nervous breakdown and I don't know what to do

[snowkitten]

he is totally stressed, regularly sobs or bursts into rages.He is totally wired. Twitches, shakes, rants, rocks in tension. he has two high profile jobs and is under enormous pressure. This is having a terrible effect on me and lo's. He rows with dd (nearly 12yo) adn it is having a dreadful effect on her well being. I am worried sick. Saturday morning he had ds and dd in tears because he swiped the contents of the breakfast talbe onto the floor, dd was pleading with him to stop (I was in teh shower) she came upstairs carrying ds (3yo) asking me to help her . Yesterdat, he was to put up Xmas tree and decs with ds and dd. i went out to get mince pies and party snacks for us to share and when I got back dd was in floods of tears because dh could not find the lights adn he erupted. it is horrendous and I am at teh end of my tether. I need your help please

it wont get better - he is on the verge of something... you say "The aggression is taken out on his possessions " but it only takes a 3 year old to get in his way one time....or the older child...or you...

my exP displayed similar behaviour and refusal to contemplate taking meds etc.... he just got worse and worse then exploded in horrible way, also mixed in with what i later realised was years of controlling/abusive behaviour.

you need to get him to GP as others say - issue ultimatum - he goes elsewhere to stay for a while or he goes to GP.

i realise it close to xmas... difficult

you need to be prepared to dial 999 if he drinks so much he is slumped at bottom of stairs again - or becomes out of control.

the tension of next few days, stress of xmas - i dont envy you....and sad for the dcs.... will there be other family around to support you?

dont be fooled by the days/hours when he appears "ok" - keep a record/diary - your dd is already telling you that she is just waiting for the next explosion.... not a way to live...

as a start you need to make it clear that any agressive behaviour eg tipping things off table - wont be tolerated - if he has any sensse of himself he will agree to take himself off when stressed but my guess he is too far "gone" for that - he is seeking attention, seeking help - but also refusing it... it isnt easy being the "keeper" .

make it clear you are so concerned about his mental health you WILL call 999 if he erupts again and has not gone to GP to discuss.

be prepared with your line on phone to police/ambulance "my H is very unstable and is being violent in front of our children" - smashing/agression with objects IS violence...espec if children being scared...if it was some random person in street you would either move right away or call police wouldnt you??

keep your phone on you (my exP grabbed phone off me on several occasions when i tried to call for help when he was in one of his episodes....it isnt easy. but as others have expressed, i am worried this may explode violently....he doesnt seem to recognize what he is doing.

If you can't get him to a GP then I recommend you go and talk to your own GP about this.

Say that you know they can't give out medical info but this is how he is behaving and you need advice about what to do.

If you can't do it face to face then call your GP's surgery now. Explain that you are worried your DH is having a mental breakdown and need to talk to a GP. Make them listen and offer advice.

You may get a rubbish GP who doesn't understand your concerns, in which case there is usually one GP in every surgery who deals primarily with MH issues; ask to speak to them. Explain you are worried.

Don't sugar coat it, don't miss anything out. Tell them you have small DCs and they are reacting negatively towards your DH.

They CAN send out the local psych team to assess him, ask them about this.

Information is power.

If you can, go in and talk to someone, if you can't then call them.

You have already been incredibly strong carrying on while all this has been happening. You can do this. Help is out there but you have to ask for it. You need help, your DCs deserve help.

You CAN do this. Do it now!

(Just wanted to add that this is not instead of him going, this is as well as him going)

If you've spoken to your GP already then you will be armed with all the facts for your talk on Saturday (I wish you'd do it sooner, but I know you have limited time together)

(going to the GP that is!)

agree with youknow and is important for you to also go to GP.

however, from experience, if your H does not himself go to GP and admit there is a problem there is not so much they can do unless you make it clear you/he/the DCs are at risk.

so if needs be you have to take it in your hands and call 999 when there is slightest eruption - to get the ball rolling. i.e. if he i refusing to go to GP and still brushing you off as it isnt an issue....

when i managed eventually to call 999 my (now ex)P had calmed down relatively speaking when they arrived, saying he was fine - but they took the fact i had called them seriously, partiucalrly as children were in the flat, and still took him to A&E and he got assessed by psych nurse and into the system....

he ws talking about how he thinks he is going into depression this morning. I said maybe you should visit the docs then?, see if there is anything they can do to help. He shouted me down and pooh pooed the idea. . I said that it is no godd trying to battle on if you feel so down, it may do you good to just talk to someone else. And he was most offended.

snowkitten please look out for number one now, that is you and your children. My dh had a depressive episode and apart from the drinking was behaving very similar to how you describe. As you say, he wasn't violent to me or the kids but frightened them and I became scared of him (first time I have admitted that ). Not that he wanted to hurt me, but that me or the kids would be in the way.
I resesarched womens aid etc and started to organise getting out, packed a bag and got some money and passports etc together and hid it. Few days later I had enough, can't even remember what happened now, but I had enough, he lost his temper and I said "That's it, I'm off". I went to police station to organise womens aid, he saw me go in there (just down the road from our house) and lost it. Next thing I knew, I am in police station with him on the phone wanting to speak to kids to say "Goodbye". He had driven off and taken overdose. Womens aid took me and kids and gave me money to get away, police broke our front door down so I could pack more clothes and I took kids and left. It was horrendous. I tried to speak to him because I didn't want him to die... spoke to him he was all slurred. Told him to phone 999 but he refused. Eventually got him to explain roughly where he was and rang police who collected him. He was taken to A and E in helicopter and then from there to mental hospital for a week.
Am sitting here crying, have not thougth about it in a long time. I agreed to let him come home. Because I went to police they filed a report and then social services got involved thinking he was a danger to our kids. That was the moment of truth, when social worker came and I had to explain exactly what had happened. I didnt hold back and he was amazed at what I said. I don't think he realised how bad it had become.

The reason I am telling you all this is because I don't want you to go through the same thing and your kids. It was the hardest thing I ever had to go through and would not wish it on anyone. And all because he refused to see he had a problem. Please take your children away from him now and give him the wake up call he needs. The psychiatrist told me that I couldn't blame myself if he had died, but I felt it was me who pushed him over the edge. But is wasmn't, it was his illness.
It did help to refer to it as an illness. You are ill rather than you are behaving like an arsehole.
That was 18 months ago and we have sorted out so much. and more than anything, he sees that a line has been drawn. I will not tolerate that type of behaviour again. And when he says, what are you going to do, leave? I say, yes. And he knows I will.
Sorry for the mammoth post.
Just hope it helps.
x

like humpty said it is so hard to take those steps - but you need to be giving him those ultimatums - you see the GP or you leave.

i echo waht she ssays:

"And all because he refused to see he had a problem. Please take your children away from him now and give him the wake up call he needs."

either he goes to GP or he leaves to soemwhere or you leave...

snowkitten, so he admits he has a problem but isn't willing to do anything about it?

That's not good enough.

Because depression is not an illness that only affects the sufferer, it affects those around them too. I read one thing which described living with a depressive as having all of their symptoms (because of their behaviour towards you) without the illness.

That seemed very accurate to me.

I hope you manage to talk to him tomorrow night. Would talking to his family help? I ended up calling MIL and explaining just how ill DH was. He said he'd told her but she was under the impression that he was all better (when in fact he was getting worse). She wasn't the most help in the world but the fact that DH knew I was telling other people about it made it more real for him - he couldn't hide from it anymore, people knew (not work colleagues, but close friends and family). I also got over the shame (I actually felt guilty for making him ill - he used to tell me I made him sad/angry) of telling my friends and family too and they were brilliant.

My parents visited every few weeks (they live a long way away) to give me a break from him (he would behave normally around them so I didn't have to hide), friends called me regularly to check I was ok (depression can make everything about them so you need some things just for you), and it meant I had more energy and drive to carry on.

You've made the first step and he has been defensive, now you have to be strong. Either he goes to the GP or the GP will have to come to him. You must keep being firm, don't get drawn in to a discussion.

Keep it going! You can do it!

humpty - that sounds horrendous but shockingly,I can see how a situation like yours could transpire. You are incredibly strong to hav done what you did. I hope I get there too. It still makes you cry? that is so sad. I have had years of this on and off in various forms and it is getting me down beyond belief now. Thanks for telling me your story.
cestlavielife - thank you
stuffing - that is so odd what you said about him being normal around your family - dh seems like the model husband when my mum visits. Fortunately she knows the truth and has born witness to many occasions when he has been vile. Also true his state is mine also without the illness. He has just phoned me, ranted and hung up. Fuck him and fuck this. Fuck it all

snowkitten, I repeat what I said, I am not telling you this for sympathy or to frighten you, just to share the lesson that I learnt, which was that Mental illness is an illness, it's not your fault or your children's and you do not need to and cannot fix it.
In reality, the only person who can fix this is your husband, or at least try to. Even with medication etc, unless he is willing to put in the effort, then nothing will change. The only thing you can change, is your response to it. If he wants to be an arse, then let him, but not on your time and your kids.
I am sad that my situation ended up so extreme, but in all honesty, I never realised what he would do. My dh later said that the reason he wanted to kill himself was because he thought he would never see me and our kids again, that I was taking them away to punish him. This is totally irrational, because I would never take them away from him. But mental illness is not rational. It drove my dh to attempted suicide, what might it do for your dh and your family. That is why people are warning to you take care of yourself and the kids. They are number one in all this with you. You are their mother, you are responsible for them. YOur dh is an adult and responsible for himself.
Please, look after yourself and take care
xxx

humpty - i had a talk with dd as she was vocalising her upset at the way thigns are. Then she says 'you arenot going to separate are you? Tell me you are not going to separate.' WTF am i meant to do? Everytime we are together there is friction as i fnd myself aggravated and angry. I will read your post properly when i get a chance. no doubt dh will fall asleep on sofa later after too much wine. he is half way there already this evening

btw - i was referring to me and dh not me and dd

where have you all gone????

You ok hun?

madmouse - no, feel like crap. Why did i end up with such an arse?

Not because you deserve it that's for sure.

I have followed your thread all the time although i have only posted once. I can't figure out whether your dh's problems are caused by alcohol, mental illness or work pressure. Probably a chicken and egg situation.

My dh has longstanding issues with depression, no self esteem and fear of failure. He can be difficult to live with sometimes (currently makes a lovely mix with my ptsd!)but is finally addressing it now with anti depressants and counselling and the difference is huge.

As I see it there are two issues:
The help he needs and the fact that he may be ill.
And the fact that you and the kids need to feel safe in your own home and you need to be treated with respect.

The fact that he is ill doesn't make it ok for him not to do his best for everyone.

It must have been heartbreaking when your daughter begged you not to separate. Can you tell her the truth in simple terms ie I don't want to but until your dad seeks help I may have to?

I will keep checking this thread - you are not on your own.

snowkitten you are not alone. I think you can say that dad is ill. It is easier to understand an illness and not personal to your dd. I mean, dad is angry because he's ill not because he doesn't like you etc....

I know how difficult it is to decide what to do, but I think you need to draw a line and be sure that once he crosses it, then he has gone too far, like I did.

I found it so frustrating because I'm lucky and never suffered with depression I guess and can't understand it. the urge to slap his face and say snap out of it was overwhelming!!
xx

madmouse - thank you. I don't know what the real problem is. It is a mixture, as you rightly pointed out. He has always had a volcanic temper. In the past we have had damage to the home as a result. Once I called the police. He was evil. Like he had been possessed. It was terrifying. he told me if I took our dd (then 4 andjust started school) into our room then our marriage was over. She was terrified. I took her into our bed of course but it was horrendous.More later. the door is going.

he is currently asleep on the drive in his car. No doubt he has been drinking...and driving. So many issues here I don't knkow which to face first.

snowkitten wish I had advice on that one

You and the children have my deepest sympathy. YOu are all in a dreadful situation.

You need to be realistic.

The situation will not get better on its' own. He is not suddenly going to wake up and realise he needs to change/needs help.

You need to find the strength to change the situation because no one should live with the emotional abuse he is inflicting on you/the dc. If you do nothing, and allow things to continue, eventually something truly terrible will happen and change will be forced upon you all.

You and the children have been in the situation so long that it seems 'normal'. It is not normal. It is no way to live. You should not allow him to inflict this treatment on you or the children. It is doing deep and lasting damage to you all.

Why do you stay? And please don't say because you love him. Dig deeper - what are you afraid of? Why are you paralyzed?

It is clear talking is getting you no where. He is not listening. He is lashing out at you, the children and himself. Things are getting worse. It is time to do something, or at least start making plans to do something. Stop making excuses for him. Get off the fence.

Doing something about it will be unthinkably hard in the short term, but things will eventually get better. Doing nothing means a terrible life for all of you indefinitely.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are in a harsh situation.

snowkitten, also wanted to add, that in a way what happened to me was a huge release. When I walked out that day with nothing but my kids and a few clothes in a bag I realised what matters.
I realised that I didn't need him (not that I didn't love him) but I could manage without him. I also realised that I didn't need all the material trappings. I thought it would be hard to leave everything behind and it wasn't. All that matters is you and your kids, everything else can be replaced or you can do without. It was strangely liberating to know that I was ok with the real basics, just us.
After his "breakdown", we got back together but I was quite clear that he was the lucky one to be getting a second chance and not me lucky to have him back. Now some might say that it's the same thing, but it's not. It has put the balance of our relationship straight again. It's like the air is cleared and you have a new start.
What I think I'm trying to say is that this doesn't have to mean the end. If you go, then you are showing him that his behaviour will not be tolerated and you need time out for you, for him and for your kids. It's time out not see you later, have a nice life.
Please don't be disillusioned into thinking that I am some strong type who is nothing like you. I can assure you that I am not! Everybody has their limit and when you reach it you will act. I knew that I was getting close to my limit and I said to myself, if x happens then I'm going. To be honest, it wasn't that simple, but I did try to draw a line and stick to it. And you need to do that too.
Like earlybird says,
"Doing something about it will be unthinkably hard in the short term, but things will eventually get better. Doing nothing means a terrible life for all of you indefinitely."
Am thinking of you and your children tonight
x

dh just asked me how you were doing... xx thinking of you, very touched by your predicament & sadly is not so uncommon.

therednosedcariboo - you don't know how touched I am that your dh asked how I was doing. For a man to express concern somehow speaks volumes . Thank you