|i think dh is having a nervous breakdown and I don't know what to do

[snowkitten]

he is totally stressed, regularly sobs or bursts into rages.He is totally wired. Twitches, shakes, rants, rocks in tension. he has two high profile jobs and is under enormous pressure. This is having a terrible effect on me and lo's. He rows with dd (nearly 12yo) adn it is having a dreadful effect on her well being. I am worried sick. Saturday morning he had ds and dd in tears because he swiped the contents of the breakfast talbe onto the floor, dd was pleading with him to stop (I was in teh shower) she came upstairs carrying ds (3yo) asking me to help her . Yesterdat, he was to put up Xmas tree and decs with ds and dd. i went out to get mince pies and party snacks for us to share and when I got back dd was in floods of tears because dh could not find the lights adn he erupted. it is horrendous and I am at teh end of my tether. I need your help please

[humptynumpty]

still thinking of you.
How's things today?

[cestlavielife]

have also been thining about your situation and how it going...

re: your dd - maybe sit down with dd and ask her what she fears about "separating" - what does she think it would mean?

what is it she really worried about?
not seeing dad at all?
or??

can you explain that it might be that dad has to go off somewhere for a while to get better?

talk about depression and mental illness - how they can get better if they want to and with hard work?

humpty has shown how with right "wake up call" there can be hope for renewed relationship - in my case there isnt - too many other long standing "personality" issues; but i do know how hard it is to be in the midst of it... something will have to give at some point....

but you can take some steps .

telling people.

thinking about "i will call 999 if..." makes it easier to do it when you need to.... eg next time he in the car in drive asleep - call 999. it isnt normal behaviour...
have paramedics come and assess him...

[YouKnowStuffingIsForLunch]

snowkitten, are you ok?! I've been away for the weekend and just read all this.

You don't have to put up with this.

And just so you don't feel too bad about what your DD said to you, my DS said the same. Until he moved out and then he was happy and said he'd forgotten what it was like not to worry about what mood dad would be in.

After that he understood that moving DH out could be a positive step. It also meant that DH would try to hold it all together when he saw the DCs, so DS saw a more positive dad.

Did you manage to talk at all? Are you still there? If you are, please leave. I'm so pleased your mum knows - don't know what I would have done without mine's support.

The thing is the change happens slowly, and then before you know it it's terrible. Your DD will be used to the terrible. She doesn't have to be. She shouldn't be.

Thinking of you

[snowkitten]

humpty/stuffing/cestlavie - thakn you all for hanging in tehre. dh off work so harder to get on pc. I did talke to dd, saying daddy doesn't mean to be angry/moody etc. and that he is not well right now. I explained that he had kind of illness etc. She doesn;t want to hear. Told me to talk about something happy for a change. She has had enough . He was morose yesterday, morose this morning. It is hard to deal with as I just want us to have a happy christmas for the lo's. Muddle through until then. Her birthday is Jan so I want to get through that too otherwise this part of the year will alwasy be traumatic for her. I couldn#t talk to dh on Sat as he was asleep in car, not sober then dd arrived home about 15 mins later. I feel so confined and frustrated but next year will bring many changes. It has to. Our normal is horrendous. Not fair, he has to realise what he is doing to us all but as yet he refuses to acknowledge it. Mor elater, children getting restless !

[YouKnowStuffingIsForLunch]

There'll always be a reason not to ask for more. There'll always be a significant date coming up, Christmas, B'day, Valentine's, Easter, Summer Holidays, Half term, back to Christmas again.

There's never a good time.

I just want to say that if you ask him to leave or start treating you all well, and then he continues to treat you badly, then he is the one splitting the family up, not you.

He won't acknowledge it, your suffering is not enough of a reason for him to get help

It's good that you spoke to DD, even if it feels like she didn't want to hear it it will help her that there is an external cause IYSWIM

I don't know how much I'm going to be able to get online in the next couple of weeks, I'll check as often as I can. Just know that I'm thinking of you and I hope things improve. I was in exactly the same position this time last year (other than the fact that DH was already seeing a GP, he still didn't realise just how much work he needed to do) so I know it's miserable and lonely. Talk to as many people as you can, get as much support as you can. And see a GP just for advice for you.

x

[Earlybird]

How long has it been since things were 'good' at home with dh?

[humptynumpty]

Just checking in. Snowkitten I second what stuffing says, there is never a good time. Yes it will be hard, but you will breathe a sigh of relief once it is sorted. is it possible for your mum to take the kids for a bit while you talk to him/sort something out. It might not come to time out, maybe just a chat might help him realised you are serious. First time my dh was ill, long before all this happened, I printed out a list of signs of depression and highlighted all the ones he had. I think seeing it in black and white hit home for him and he did go to gp and get medication/signed off work/help.
Will go look for the one I had to see if it would be helpful to you....

[humptynumpty]

can't find exact same one, but here.
Was interesting because the signs in men tend to be different to those in women. not sure if that helps, might at least help reassure you that it is an illness that he has, you won't be wasting a doctors time etc... also, it shows alcohol abuse is a symptom of depression, so it's not as if he will be accused of being alcoholic, not sure if that's a sore point?

[snowkitten]

Earlybird - honestly? years and years over one thing or another. dh has alwys been volatile, always liked a drink (though now it is ridiculous), so many many things have happened in the past that I feel our relationship is damaged beyond repair - at least for me. everything from infidelity (his not mine), raging temper (his not mine), bullying (from him not me)so much. I have had enough.
humpty/stuffing - i know there is never a perfect time but surely xmas/new year/birthday is teh very worst.
he turned up after about 9 hours today, didn't tell me where he was but came home half cut adn defensive. he drove home . going now, off to bed. hoep I sleep well - feel shattered

[alypaly]

snowkitten...if he is drinking 2 bottles of wine a night...he has a severe drink problem,hes alcoholic. This could be the cause of his rages and flying off the handle. Most alcoholics are in denial. no wonder he is finding the jobs stressful,he is probably fuddled at work with 12 units each night.

If it is affecting the children and you ,you need to do somthing about it for your sakes. If he cant or wont seek help....how will he change. Its not fair on the children.or you. Believe me i know,my dad was alcoholic and it has scarred me for life. I remember replying to you on another thread with similar advice.poor you

[snowkitten]

alypaly - I jknow he has alcohol problem. Thing is, he doesnt seem to think so
. In total and utter dejnial. \Iam qute sure he drinks more adn elsewhere. I am also sure it all ties in. I spokt to him this morning and recommended he go to docs if he feels so overwhelmed and down. he laughed and dismissed it as a ridiculous suggestion. I do feel I have to wait till after my dd's birthday. She deserves some peace at christmas - as does our gorgeous littel boy. Ican muddle trhough till then. I already spoke to my doc bout the drinking and he gave me some no.s adn info. I also spoke to al anon who were very helpful. going to pursue this in the NY. Thanks all

[snowkitten]

hujmptynumpty - OMG dh fits all of those signs of depressino. he ticks every single box

[alypaly]

i know its difficult and its xmas and DD birthday....but you know deep down ,you cant use these as an excuse not to deal with it pronto. When those have passed by,it will be DS's birthday,then his then yours. I know i am being hard but there is nothing like the present to deal with things head on.

[snowkitten]

no, no other dates matter. But these cannot be tarnished for the sake of 2 weeks. I can wait two weeks. I do not want dd and ds to remember Christmas/New Year dd's birthday for any oher reason than they are times of happiness and fun. I cannot have them remeber them as the time everything blew up between mummy and daddy. YOu are not being hard, you are being honest but I feel that it will be better after.

[snowkitten]

have just had dh on phone, ranting that I don't support him , never listen , he does everything and no one helps him . He hung up twice. He is absolutely draining the life out of me. He is impossible. Don't know if it is depression, drink, just how he is? He is sucking the very spirit out of me and I have had enough

[snowkitten]

he has never supported me emotionally - ever.

[madmouse]

It sounds like he is a lots cause for now until he sees sense and tackles his problems probably starting with his drinking.

You say you want to get Christmas and birthday out of the way first, but how happy a Christmas and bithday is it going to be considering that your dd already knows things are far from good? How will you cope cooped up with him over Christmas? Kids are resilient and quite able to see the bigger picture!

[purpleduckUnderTheMistletoe]

Don't know what else to add snowkitten

I just clicked on the depression link too, and my dh fits most of it as well. We too had a discussion where I was told that I "never thought about him". Thats all I bloody DO is think about him!

Anyways

[Snorbs]

Snowkitten, I'm really sorry that you're going through this. When I was still with my (then) DP, I thought the problems stemmed from depression or anxiety. And maybe they do. But the biggest, and most immediate issue by far was the drinking. My (then)DP is extremely volatile when she's been drinking heavily for a while - she can flip from laughing and joking to snarling aggression in, literally, a couple of seconds and for no obvious reason. But she always, always blames those around her for her mood swings even when it's plainly obvious that it's just because she's pissed and aggressive.

The other thing to consider is that daily heavy drinking has a cumulative effect. If your DH is drinking anywhere near as much as you suspect he is (and I'd agree the chances are he's drinking in secret as well as the stuff you're seeing) then he's likely not sobering up properly before he's drinking again. The jittery stuff you've been seeing could very well be Alcohol Withdrawal Symptoms.

If your DH does have depression then it is untreatable until and unless he stops drinking. From your point of view, I'd suggest you look at this as an alcohol issue first and foremost and if (and it's sad to say but that's a very a big "if") he deals with that, to then look at what, if any, problems remain.

This is a crappy time of year for you to be dealing with this. Sadly, Christmas is often a time when families of those with alcohol problems really bear the full brunt of those problems. If you haven't already, do confide in a few friends and family that you trust. It will help.

Try to avoid any serious conversations with him when he's been drinking as it will get you nowhere and merely raise your stress levels. You won't get anything resolved by talking to a drunk person. "I'm sorry, but I really don't wish to discuss this now" said as calmly as possible can help. Leaving the room, putting the phone down, they can also help remove yourself from the immediate issue. But don't hesitate to call the police if need be. Your safety, and the safety of your children, is paramount.

[YouKnowStuffingIsForLunch]

Snowkitten this sounds impossible for you

If you feel you can wait 2 weeks and that you'll be safe in that time then we will support you in whatever decision you make. If it escalates AT ALL then make sure you and the children are protected. Take your phone EVERYWHERE with you. To bed, to the bath, everywhere. So that if something happens you can call the police.

How are you going to do this? Are you going to leave? Ask him to leave? Are you going to give him notice (could be dangerous)?

Start thinking through the practicalities. Have you got money put to one side? If not then see what you can get now (you can always say you need to get more presents and hide it).

It sounds like this is over. He isn't interested in getting help for either himself or the DCs or you

He did this. Remember that. Tell yourself often. You cannot make a relationship work alone. You tried. He did not. This is his doing. You are still trying to get him help, to fix your relationship. he's just drinking it all away.

Get through Christmas. Have a wonderful day with the DCs. Then act.

And protect yourself. Always. Please. He isn't stable. You can't predict his actions.

Be safe.

[alypaly]

snowkitten...come to mine for xmas ,i could do with the company
im sorry you are so exhausted with it all.its not fair on you or the children.

[humptynumpty]

snowkitten, if you feel more comfortable with waiting till after dd's birthday, then i'm not going to make you feel bad or pressurize you. But please be ready to go. Get a bag and pack a few bits in it, enough clothes for you and dc's for a couple of days and make sure you have your birth certificates and passports and bank cards to hand. Also, get the phone number for womens aid and programme it into your phone, hide it under a different name. Also get some cash to pay for taxis etc. Do you have a bank account which is your own? Make sure you have some money in it. I know it seems silly, but if you have to leave and get away from him, you need to leave quickly. Get to a safe place, and phone women's aid. If it comes to it, you need your documents to get benefits and sort out the official side of things. I suggest a separate bank account for 2 reasons, 1 so he can't spend the money, 2 so he can't see where you're spending it.
I don't doubt he is alcoholic, i just thought suggesting depression and describing it as an illness sounds less personal and less accusing than saying "you are an alcoholic" which sounds more judgemental. Hopefully that might make things a bit easier for you and more likely for him to go along with.
Even if it all works out for the best, there is no harm in taking these steps, just for your peace of mind. Please just do those things, but you know, even if you don't, and you have to go in a hurry, just go to the police station or somewhere safe and phone women's aid and they will help you.
I am so sad that you are in this situation. I hope you are ok.