|i think dh is having a nervous breakdown and I don't know what to do

[snowkitten]

he is totally stressed, regularly sobs or bursts into rages.He is totally wired. Twitches, shakes, rants, rocks in tension. he has two high profile jobs and is under enormous pressure. This is having a terrible effect on me and lo's. He rows with dd (nearly 12yo) adn it is having a dreadful effect on her well being. I am worried sick. Saturday morning he had ds and dd in tears because he swiped the contents of the breakfast talbe onto the floor, dd was pleading with him to stop (I was in teh shower) she came upstairs carrying ds (3yo) asking me to help her . Yesterdat, he was to put up Xmas tree and decs with ds and dd. i went out to get mince pies and party snacks for us to share and when I got back dd was in floods of tears because dh could not find the lights adn he erupted. it is horrendous and I am at teh end of my tether. I need your help please

[snowkitten]

snorbs - thankyou. Presume you are no longer together? The mindf*uck comes when they spend the following two days being the perfect daddy/husband. No wonder we are all living on the edge.

[snowkitten]

i wish i had re-titled my thread now to deal with the alcohol related probs. I can see how everything ties in now.....

[coldtits]

Snowkitten, protect your children.

[mumhadenough]

Snowkitten, I just want to give you the other side of the story.

My dad was an alcoholic who suffered from depression too, he usually spent most of the month of December pished. I remember being like your daughter, begging him to join in etc, getting shouted at, and even belted for doing so.

My dad died from a brain haemorrhage when I was 16 so we were free from it all, but my mum kicked him out one year just before Christmas and it was the best Christmas ever (she did take him back mind you). However, I am still quite sad about all those Christmases that were ruined for us by him being there steaming as usual. The memories would have been better if he'd not been around at all than me and db and dsis having to watch all that shit happen.

I urge you to either tell him to ship out or you go somewhere safe with your dcs.

We did have the extra pressure though of him turning and belting either us or our mum though.

[Earlybird]

I'm sorry about the latest developments. You wanted to stay so as not to disrupt Christmas, and what happened is potentially much more damaging emotionally. Of course this is NOT your fault, but you are allowing it to go on. You must be realistic, and protect yourself and your children.

Repeat of my post from 19 December:

You and the children have my deepest sympathy. YOu are all in a dreadful situation.

You need to be realistic.

The situation will not get better on its' own. He is not suddenly going to wake up and realise he needs to change/needs help.

You need to find the strength to change the situation because no one should live with the emotional abuse he is inflicting on you/the dc. If you do nothing, and allow things to continue, eventually something truly terrible will happen and change will be forced upon you all.

You and the children have been in the situation so long that it seems 'normal'. It is not normal. It is no way to live. You should not allow him to inflict this treatment on you or the children. It is doing deep and lasting damage to you all.

Why do you stay? And please don't say because you love him. Dig deeper - what are you afraid of? Why are you paralyzed?

It is clear talking is getting you no where. He is not listening. He is lashing out at you, the children and himself. Things are getting worse. It is time to do something, or at least start making plans to do something. Stop making excuses for him. Get off the fence.

Doing something about it will be unthinkably hard in the short term, but things will eventually get better. Doing nothing means a terrible life for all of you indefinitely.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you are in a harsh situation.

[humptynumpty]

snowkitten please will you get away from him. It is so upsetting reading your posts and I;m sure it's much worse from your perspective. I know you are getting pressure from your dd to stay with him, but you are the adult and you need to make a decision. Yes she is probably scared of breaking up the "family life" she knows, but trust me, she is old enough to understand and you will probably earn more respect from her in the future if you stand up to him and are honest with her.
Please, please, please, please, just get away from him. Even if it's only for one night, just to get some perspective and breathing space.

[mumonthenet]

snowkitten, your dd begs you not to separate but I think all she is asking is for this horror to stop.

She's desperate for peace and security and she doesn't understand that she will get that when you are away from him.

Please please get your children away from him.

If necessary you could tell your dd that it is a short break so that daddy can resolve the illness that is making him act so horrible.

We can all see what this is doing to you - we can only imagine what your children (in particular dd) are going through.

I am sorry for you but this is not going to go away - it's time to act. And we will all support you in whatever way we can.

[snowkitten]

thank you. I know

[Earthstar]

Snowkitten how awful about Xmas when you had been trying to avoid bad associations withchristmas by delaying leaving. Do you still plan to wait until after dd's birthday next month to leave, or has this nowchanged your mind?
I don't see how things can improve until you are apart and can only see that either you will decide to leave or he may possibly Eventually be sectioned...I thnk that the moment you take back control over your own destiny you will actually feel immeasurably better. Don't be a victim of all of this, make the change you need to make for the sake of all of you...

[Snorbs]

Snowkitten, yes I can remember the confusion that arose when my (then) DP went from horrible, selfish, aggressive drunk to nice-as-pie sober(ish) person. Eventually, though, I realised that the nice-as-pie bit was just as much part of the cycle of abuse as the nastiness.

It's like being on a rollercoaster. Sometimes it's up, sometimes it's down, but for as long as you stay on it you're going to get the same thing over and over and over again.

After Christmas 2005 I realised that something, anything, had to change. At first I put my efforts into trying to get her to realise the seriousness of her alcoholism with the expectation that she'd wake up and realise she needed to stop. She talked a good talk, and even stopped drinking for a few weeks, but always started drinking again in secret. I then realised that it didn't matter what she said about her drinking - what was important was what she did. And what she did was to drink more while lying to my face.

It got to the point where the stress of it all was making me physically ill. I'd lost all faith in her. It was clear that out of the two of us it was only me who wanted her to stop drinking. So if I wanted things to change, then I'd have to stop wasting my time waiting for her to change and, instead, I had to instigate that change myself. Anyway, by then it was becoming clear that the reality of the relationship was a long way away from the fantasy I had in my head. I kept dreaming that if only she'd stop drinking, then everything would be fine. I was fooling myself and ignoring what was plainly obvious - the relationship was long dead and our children were suffering.

After one more episode of her promising to stop drinking and then getting drunk, I told her it was over. I then got the usual promises that she'd change, that she was serious this time etc etc etc. That was four years ago. In that time she's lost relationships and our children, had alcohol-induced seizures, numerous stays in hospital, a spell in rehab... She's still drinking. My DCs and I, though, are safe and happy and life is so much better and calmer now we're away from her continual chaos and drama.

[Tanee58]

Snowkitten - Hi -I found your thread. I am so, so sorry that Christmas was spoiled and I feel so bad for your DD.

My DD (not DP's child) got so stressed by things that she moved in with my parents. I miss her so much but she had to go, as DP was projecting all his negativity onto her. He still does, and now he blames her for damaging our relationship and destroying his relationship with my family.

He was prepared to spend Christmas Day home alone while I went to my sister's. His sister managed to persuade him to book a ticket to his mum's. They live 2 hours away. I have now outed him to his family and as they all suffer from depression, they tackled him about it. He's still resistant to getting help even though they were able to tell him how helpful drugs and therapy had been to them. If they can't persuade him of the benefits, no one can.

He has not contacted me once in four days - not even a text to wish me a Merry Christmas. I resisted contacting him as I need HIM to make the effort, not merely reciprocate. He's coming back today. I've actually enjoyed having time alone, but I feel a great sadness.

So Snowkitten, you have my every sympathy. I too had a horrendous episode with him the night before he went away. Like yours, he was banging doors and shouting - and I had a panic attack, wondered whether I should call the police, I was whimpering on the stairs - at least that shocked him into stopping.

The next time, I shall call the police. Like yours, Snowkitten, he knows he is ill, but would rather suffer than seek treatment. He thinks if we sell up and separate, he will be better. I know he will remain ill, only he will be miserable outside my sight. I would actually WELCOME another episode now. I need to get him to the GP and if having the police remove him is the only way, then so be it.

Big hug Snow, and hallo to the others on this thread - much of what all of you have said have given me things to think about.

[snowkitten]

god, feeling so overwhelmed byt his. He was on best behaviour past two days (still drinking but after we had all gone to bed), tonight he has gone out to friends do. He was drunk when I arrived home (dd didn;t realise adn ds hasn't a clue being only 3) but he was a total prick. I loathe him when he is like this and don;t like him that much more when he is sober as I feel so angry with him. Gotta go as dd loitering..... I will fire up the laptop later this evening though. You are giving me so much strength but this is hard

[humptynumpty]

don't give up snowkitten. you are being so brave and dealing with far too much. speak later
x

[snowkitten]

humpty - if i am dealingwith so much, then why doesn't he see this? He really really does think he is a great dad, husband and person. I don't get it. he really doesn't think he is wrong or at fault or unreasonable. Or does he? I just don't get this, tht is why i find it hard to know what to do. It is a great big enormous mindfuck and I cannot get over it. fuck this, i just want to live a peaceful and happy life. I am such an optimistic and happy persn. I am fun and gregarious but he brings out the very worst in me and i am becoming a gnarled, hardfaced old witch. I hate how i am around him - oh fuck

[snowkitten]

are any of you on FB or MSN so I can talk in real time? don't worry if you don't want to give details, but if any of you are willing...

[humptynumpty]

am on msn
do you have CAT?

[snowkitten]

i don;t understand how he really, really doesn't get that he is being like this. I relly, truly believe that he thinks he is wonderful. the only thing he does is pay for everything. He really thinks he is a thoroughly great bloke. he really does. My God, he is pissed on settee now. he cameback from his friend's party ridiculously early and fucked up my lovely girly eve with dd. Immediatelly he arrived there was tension. Fuck him for doing this. and fuck off to me for being such a twat.

[humptynumpty]

are you on FB as a fan of mumsnet? will send you a message on there if you like? then can message on fb?

[humptynumpty]

will msn you now

[snowkitten]

am on FB but not as fan of mumsnet. will do that tomoorow moorning. Very tired now as took children to worthing today to visit my family (dh too busy) it was lovely . #thank you humpty

[snowkitten]

thanks dittany - will read tomorrow.