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Original poster

|i think dh is having a nervous breakdown and I don't know what to do

389 replies

snowkitten · 14/12/2009 11:19

he is totally stressed, regularly sobs or bursts into rages.He is totally wired. Twitches, shakes, rants, rocks in tension. he has two high profile jobs and is under enormous pressure. This is having a terrible effect on me and lo's. He rows with dd (nearly 12yo) adn it is having a dreadful effect on her well being. I am worried sick. Saturday morning he had ds and dd in tears because he swiped the contents of the breakfast talbe onto the floor, dd was pleading with him to stop (I was in teh shower) she came upstairs carrying ds (3yo) asking me to help her . Yesterdat, he was to put up Xmas tree and decs with ds and dd. i went out to get mince pies and party snacks for us to share and when I got back dd was in floods of tears because dh could not find the lights adn he erupted. it is horrendous and I am at teh end of my tether. I need your help please

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 22/12/2009 22:04

snowkitten - i know the "wait for xmas, wait for the birthday" etc..did that too...

i am aorried about you tho - will there be other people around you at xmas ?

are you going to relatives or them to you?

will he put on some effort for the kids or will he not?

he sounds in that very self centred selfish phase of "depression" (or alcoholism or ????) - and even if you answer "no i cannot support you right now please seek support from others" it is highly likely he will react by insisting you should support him - and my exP did that very agressively....they feel entitled to something from you...

agree again with others - keep phone on you, have a bag packed, think of who you could go stay with if needs be and be ready to up and leave. do you drive?

do you have spare set car keys? or someone who could come to you to support?

and be ready to have him taken away if he acts up...and call 999. yes it might spoil xmas but given how he is acting now, he could spoil it anyway in this destructive behaviour....

have in your frame of mind what you can tolerate and what will be the "last straw"... to say "I am leavng now please get some help" and walk away... or to be able to not allow him in the house if he is in foul mood and agressive...

cestlavielife · 22/12/2009 22:07

oh and remember you are not repsonsible for him and his issues - he is an adult. only he can seek help. as he has not done so on you asking nor recognises the need, the ony way - ultimately - that you will be able to get him the help he needs is by acting dramatically and calling in support ie 999

Original poster
snowkitten · 23/12/2009 12:10

cestlavie - unfortunately we dont have anyone visitng over christmas. Just the four of us - again. my family all live a distance away with extended families of their own. Lots of my famliy are aware of the situation and friends too so I do feel very well supported in taht respect. His parents are aware toa point but they are not in a positino to help as he has had major surgery ona brain tumour and she has just had a hip replacement.
You are so right about tghe self centredness of dh. He cannot see anything outsie of himself AT ALL Is this normal then? tbh he has always been tat way. What i find so baffling is that he thinks he is a great husband and father. he does not understand that this is having a nuge impact on everyone else. I jsut want normality and peace in my life.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 23/12/2009 12:27

i guess is "normal" for untreated (unrecognized/unaccepted by the person) depression/alcoholism/borderline personality disorder/abusive nature... doesnt make it ok tho.

anne sheffield's book depression fall out hopw you can survive when they depressed is useful book on this ... see also website
www.depressionfallout.com/

( see also al anon)

but you can also get into lundy bancroft's why does he do that ...
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 -excellent book will really help you see what behaviours amount to abuse (or clarify if they not).

Original poster
snowkitten · 23/12/2009 12:49

thanks cestlavielife. Will look them up

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Original poster
snowkitten · 24/12/2009 22:57

have a good day all - merry christmas

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humptynumpty · 24/12/2009 23:01

hope yrs is ok too snowkitten

Original poster
snowkitten · 25/12/2009 14:50

it is shit

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madmouse · 25/12/2009 15:42

Snowkitten if you want to share am here to listen x

mafi · 25/12/2009 16:20

Snowkitten, I am new to this forum, so I just came accross your thread. I think Humptynumpty has given you the best possible advice. You have to get away from this, otherwise your children will hate you for it in the future. Do it for them before it is too late.

humptynumpty · 25/12/2009 17:35

chin up snowkitten. You will get through it and come out the other side. It will work out for you somehow, have faith.
Please remember though, there is a line, don't let him cross it!
thinking of you
xxx

Original poster
snowkitten · 25/12/2009 18:16

well and tryly crossed

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madmouse · 25/12/2009 18:17

Snowkitten what is going on do you need help? This sounds bad x

humptynumpty · 25/12/2009 20:25

right snowkitten. What are you going to do about it?
Christmas or not, it doesn't matter. Please find somewhere to go, family or friends,just to get away and breathe easy for a bit. Don't worry about kicking him out, you can sort out that later, just get away from him please, for you and the kids.
please
please
please
please

mafi · 25/12/2009 20:46

Snowkitten, we know you think now it is better for DS and DD to wait a few weeks until Christmas is over and so on, but your daughter is old enough to realise what's going on, and she's not going to have great memories if things stay the way they are. I Know it is very difficult to get out of this situation, but once you've done it, you'll be so glad. Be Brave and think of you and the children. You deserve 1000 times better.

humptynumpty · 25/12/2009 21:14

snowkitten what has happened today?

Original poster
snowkitten · 26/12/2009 08:02

will tell you later as playing wiht ds's toys now. was just checking in. I eill tell you but need peace adn quiet first

OP posts:
therednosedcariboo · 26/12/2009 23:08

Thinking (and worrying!) about you & family. Please, please get help. xx

humptynumpty · 27/12/2009 12:56

snowkitten any news?

Original poster
snowkitten · 27/12/2009 14:35

basically, dh was drunk from the minute he opened his eyes. Slurring, stumbling. Horrid. He could barely stay awakje all day. ds kept shouting at him to wake so he could play and dd was furious, screaming at him to wake up. Told him she was gonna tell all her friends what a rubbish daddy he was. It was awful. Fraught all day. I was exhausted. He slept all day apart from small periods awake when he was woken by lo's. Xmas dinner was horrendous. He sat slumped, elbows on table, eating wiht his fingers. Dd and I reminding him of table manners etc. that it was a special dinner etc. he then got annoyed with her, and refused to pull a cracker wtih her despite her trying to make best of situation. She was crying, I was on the verge. ds was OK, bumbling around playing with toys etc. But it was awful, awful. awful. dd telling me she hated her life etc. So awful. horrid. Nasty, useless drunk. he sobered up by evening and proceeded to carry on as normal. dd accepted this as she was just relieved to have some normality i guess.

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dittany · 27/12/2009 14:37

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dittany · 27/12/2009 14:54

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Original poster
snowkitten · 27/12/2009 15:31

i did. dd was begging him to join in . It was a very difficult situation.

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dittany · 27/12/2009 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snorbs · 27/12/2009 16:09

Snowkitten, I'm really sorry that Christmas day was so awful for you and your children. It's flat-out unfair

Christmas 2005 was downright fucking horrible for me and my DCs as my then-DP was rip roaring drunk for the whole month and we had lots of her family staying with us. It culminated with her staying in bed for a couple of days drinking vodka straight from the bottle.

I decided that, no matter what it took, I'd never allow our children to be subjected to such a horrific experience again. And I never have.

For instance, this year our Christmas was great - my DCs and I had a lovely, relaxed, fun-filled and happy day. My attention was where it should be, on my DCs, and not focussed in trying to keep a lid on what some sad old drunk was up to. The difference is extraordinary.

I hope 2010 brings you happiness and a way forward from these problems.