|i think dh is having a nervous breakdown and I don't know what to do

[snowkitten]

he is totally stressed, regularly sobs or bursts into rages.He is totally wired. Twitches, shakes, rants, rocks in tension. he has two high profile jobs and is under enormous pressure. This is having a terrible effect on me and lo's. He rows with dd (nearly 12yo) adn it is having a dreadful effect on her well being. I am worried sick. Saturday morning he had ds and dd in tears because he swiped the contents of the breakfast talbe onto the floor, dd was pleading with him to stop (I was in teh shower) she came upstairs carrying ds (3yo) asking me to help her . Yesterdat, he was to put up Xmas tree and decs with ds and dd. i went out to get mince pies and party snacks for us to share and when I got back dd was in floods of tears because dh could not find the lights adn he erupted. it is horrendous and I am at teh end of my tether. I need your help please

Agree that you should make an appointment for him. If he is anything like me I wanted someone to sort it for me. It's hard to admit you need help for this sort of thing - it seems so nebulous and vague.

As stuffing says it is an emergency BTW.

thank yo9u all. dd home from school now so no more till later but thank you so much

Please phone GP, if he hasn't done it by now then you need to do it.

Please.

This is not going to go away by itself, it is going to get much worse!

Please.

youknowstuffing - i already made him an appointment recenlty as he was feeling generally ill (liver most likely) but he would not go. I will do it again but he won't go - i can almost guarantee it. Then what?

You go.

Seriously, you tell him either he keeps his appointment or you will go to his GP and discuss his problems. (This threat was enough to get DH through the door)

If he absolutely will not get help then you are going to have to do something drastic. He has to realise what he is doing to you all!

Earlier this year, when DH was at his worst I asked him to move out until he could behave appropriately around us.

He is back now and things are much better. He is on ADs, seeing a CBT therapist and trying very hard to think of our needs as well as his. 99% of the time he is normal now. Still ill, but being treated and coping with everything.

Snowkitten - So very sorry you and the children are going through this. Agree with most posters who are urging you to go to GP with or without your H. I think you are going to have to find some emotional strength from somehwere deep inside to be more assertive with your H- as others have said - you are all living in a highly charged and potentially dangerous situation and I'm a bit worried that you are so emotionally fragile (unsurprisingly) that you cannot really see the wood for the trees.

Can you brace yourself and be assertive with your H and insist that he visits GP or you will have to take action to separate for all your sakes. Would this be enough to get him there. He is of course in complete denial and this is often a symptom of mental ill health.

You really do need to take some action to protect yourself and more importantly your children. Please don't under estimate the damage this is doing to them. You must stand up to your H for their sakes - they only have you to protect them.

If he won't go to GP and get help is there anyone you could go to - yes I know its christmas but so what - have you any supportive friends/relatives. If not I would agree that you should contact Womens Aid to get help for you and the children.

Do hope you can find that emotional strength to take some action.

nananina - i find it hard to be assertive around dh as he flies off the handle or co completely denies anything is wrong - his usual tactic is to say that we are overreacting adn blowing things out of proportion. In other matters with dh I am feisty and opinionated. But here i feel defeated and lost . I will do something and soon but I need to gather myself together. Thank you

snowkitten, it's hard. I started making notes of his behaviour, so that I could remind myself that I was not insane (DH also minimised his actions).

You have to be assertive. You must.

I had two moments that broke my heart, when DS1 (11) wrote us a letter asking for it all to stop and then was pleased DH had left, and DS2 (3) bursting into tears when DH was cross with the dog because he was always waiting for DH to be angry and he was so frightened.

It was only then that I realised how far things had gotten. He never hit me, but once he was gone I realised the whole time he was there I changed my behaviour, walked on tenterhooks, tried not to trigger his anger. But his anger could come out at anything, it had nothing to do with me, it was within him.

And I let him talk to me like that by not saying, "Stop it! I will be treated with respect!"

The longer you wait the less energy you will have. You won't ever have the time to gather more, it will be sucked away.

It's like putting money into a fruit machine, the more you put in the less you have, but you still hope the day will come when you win and all your strength will come back. But instead it keeps draining you, and the jackpot never comes.

Your DH is extremely ill. He needs to be signed off work immediatley so he can get sick pay and get the treatment he needs. Cancel all visits form relatives and take the pressure right off at hme. Xmas is a very stressful time. People in ths position are often not in a position to think for themselves or even act rationally.

If necessary your GP could Section him under the Mental Health Act but that is an extreme step. You may find the SANE wesbite helpful. They provide a 24 hour helpline for people in crisis and at least talk you through options. If DH will not go to the GP then go yourself and get advice.

stuffing - OMG you have struck n enormous chord with me there. I too have made notes and will start again. I have already noticed dd is losing respect for her daddy and is often embarrassed adn uneasy if her friends are round mostly cos of his drinking and behaviour. it is tragic. ds doesn;t want to be left with dh (neither of them do really). Thye don't feel secure as he is erratic. it is heartbreaking and also means i have no freedom. He has done too much damage already adn I am scared of what will happen but equally scared of my alternatives. \i would deeply love to speak freely, breathe freely and live my life without taking care of him. it is hard hard hard. But I appreciate your help more than you can imagine Thank you

I agree he is very ill and needs urgent help.

He sounds like DS ex so much. Living with a volatile drinker for a father has damaged my nephew and sister irrevocably even though it was for just 5 years.

Snowkitten - it can be done you know - you only have to read some of the threads on here (usually on Relationships)to see that it is possible. There is a long one from someone posting as AboardtheAxiom (I'm sure she won't mind my mentioning her) and I think the thread is called "Those of you who have left emotionally abusive relationships, come and tell me how you did it" - you will see allthe emotional, practical and financial hurdles she had to go through, but she did it, that's what counts. There is help out there you know if you can only summon up the emotional strength to take action. Stuffing's posts are amazing aren't they, especially that last one.

A bit confused about you saying you are "fiesty and opinionated" in some respects with your H but find it hard to be assertive as he flies off the handle. Of course he does because he doesn't want to hear any criticism and he knows from past experience that if he shouts and bullies you will back off.............result - for him. In what circumstances are you fiesty around your H. I wonder
One thing I have come to believe in more and more is this "A cannot change B's behaviour unless A changes her behaviour." Relationships are a bit like plays I think, especially where conflict is concerned, with each party playing their "part" from a well rehearsed script, though this isn't done at a conscious level of course. What I'm trying to say is that each of you will know what to expect of the other and your H has learned that he can bully you and the children and there will not be any comeback. This will reinforce his bullying behaviour, he can get away with it - every time. Maybe you need to think about changing your behaviour (doing something different to what you normally do when he starts his antics) and watch the effect on him. Not saying it will make things better but it's a start and give the first signal to him that you aren't going to put up with it. Doesn't really matter what you do so long as it is markedly different from what you normally do - he will be confused because you won't be playing your "part" as usual.

Stuffing sounds like she could show you the way to leave this awful situation, step by step as she has obviously done it. Would something like this help you. Sorry I'm sticking my nose in but I am just feeling so so sorry for you and the children and would love to think you could get a better life.

snowkitten when I first went to the GP with him I was actually asked (in front of him) if I wanted to have him sectioned. That's how seriously they took his behaviour.

I'm not going to be around much today but please make sure that if your DH does not see a GP today that you do. Because they can send around an emergency team to assess him.

You have to be strong, but it won't be forever. Focus all of your energy on this one thing for now - DH getting to a GP. Mine didn't want any meds but once the GP explained it all he went on them happily and there was a big change.

I will check back in later. If you want to look at my threads, check for YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch in Relationships at the beginning of the year (there'll be link on there to previous threads and my other name before I decided to post under my own name). I was so confused and worried and felt like I had no way out. But you do. It may be a crappy choice (simply to stay or go) but it IS a choice, and it doesn't have to be forever.

Things are still not perfect but they get better every day, my DH is mostly home now (as in he is mostly himself and not the other him), and I won't let him treat me badly anymore.

Hope you're ok

xxx

Hi Snowkitten, how are you today?

You say "i find it hard to be assertive around dh as he flies off the handle or co completely denies anything is wrong - his usual tactic is to say that we are overreacting adn blowing things out of proportion. In other matters with dh I am feisty and opinionated. But here i feel defeated and lost sad."

The thing is, you don't need to convince him you're in the right, or stand up to him in that way. IMO you don't really need to confront him - instead you need to make a plan of action and calmly carry it out. Tell him you have booked an appointment with the Dr, because you are concerned for him. Don't get drawn into an argument about whether he is well or not - just calmly stick to your guns that you are going to the Dr because you are concerned. Make it clear that you would like him to come, but that you will go whether he comes or no. Then go, and take it from there.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds really horrible. Do you have RL friends who can give you a bit of support?

If it got to the point that you wanted to leave is there anywhere you could go (sorry to be so blunt, but it could really help to have the practical things sorted just in case).

Sending you hugs xxxx

just checked posts aqn thank you all so much. The thing i struggle to understand is that, at times things can seem so normal and then I wonder if I am blowing it out of proportion, I question my own judgement but then when I compare my 'normal' to others 'normal' it is vastly different and definitely not 'normal'. I will be back on here later but diff now.

Living with an unpredictable partner (? alcoholic) sends you into turmoil, love, you doubt everything, you don't know which end is up half the time, when 'normal' comes you settle for a bit and think it's not as bad as I thought/made it out to be, but it IS, believe me, lots of women on here have been through similar and you lose yourself in this turmoil. You truly will only begin to see and think clearly when there is some distance between you and him. Can you go anywhere with your kids for a few days, just for a bit of space and sanity?

serajen - you are so right. nowhere to go at the moment. all pretty 'normal' here today so, like you rightly pointed out, you hang on to that.

I'm back

snowkitten, the days when things are more normal are the days you must use to get things done. There is no way you could get your DH to the GP in the middle of a crying fit or when he is angry. What Lowri says about being quietly firm and not getting drawn into a discussion about it is spot on.

I'm going to add another thing. You are not responsible or to blame for how he is feeling. If he won't get help with your support then you must think about you and the DCs and what is best for you.

He has to help himself in the long term, but you can help him realise he needs that help.

I was lurking on this thread yesterday & have thought about it all day. Finally showed it to dh. His main concern was the 2 bottles of wine in an evening, saying "no wonder the man's off his trolley" but thinks you should give him an ultimatum; either your dh sees the GP asap or you & the dc leave.

IMO, I think you & your dc are in grave danger (as is your dh, but you can't help him now - he needs professional care) - there's no telling how violent he may become & already the psychological damage to your dc seems considerable.

cariboo - good to have a husband's input. Thankyou. As far as violence is concerned, dh has never been physically violent to me or anyone else. The aggression is taken out on his possessions or in the form of shouting etc. He is, oddly, a totally unphysical man, doesn't even follow a sport.He does need help, the slightest thing sends him into either a rage or has him shaking and frantic. I will sort this. I am getting much strength from here. Thanks again

nananina- your post was so insightful, thanks. What would you suggest in terms of altering my response? At mo I either ignore it completely and take the children off to do something with me (even if it just getting dressed/making lunch etc.) or I tell raise my voice at him and tell him to back off or go away and vent. I really don't want to upset everyone's Xmas as dd and ds are, naturally, looking forward to it. DD has already had to here dh telling us all that he is not interested in Xmas and that he just wants it all to go away.

snowkitten, my DH is completely un-physical too, but that doesn't mean I wasn't physically scared of him by the end. He would smash things or punch walls, and once he even headbutted the wall next to me. But it was mostly shouting (aggressively) and never knowing what was coming next.

Now I know that all of that IS physical intimidation. He hasn't hit you, and may never, but he is flexing his muscles and lashing out (verbally and on possessions).

This is bad enough and I am worried about you.

It's like living on an emotional rollercoaster.

Your DH is breaking your DD's heart and you need to put a stop to it.

My DS (11) started exhibiting his own stress-related symptoms after a while. He is better now and more secure (understands that DH is ill) but he will carry all this with him forever. The number of times he has asked, "But why can't dad just get better, for us?" and I can't reply because it's my question too

He has a terrible fear of DH getting angry now. And hides himself away if there's any tension. He is also incredibly defensive of me and went through a phase of standing up to DH if he thought I was being got at (with a lot of work we have reassured him enough for him to return to the child-role again).

Do not underestimate how this affects your DCs. They will be hurting even more than you are and will not understand why their dad is gone and this scary man has replaced him.

Has he been to the GP yet? Have you made an appointment?

Please say yes.

stuffing - you are right, i know you are. dh works miles from home for most of the week so i could not make an appt for him until he finishes work for Xmas. The other days he works in a position that requires him to be on call/available at random and irregular hours. I am going to speak to him Sat as dd is going to be with friends and ds will be in bed. I will have him to myself which means i don't have to skirt issues or play them down because, in this house, the walls have ears iyswim!
my main worry right now is dd. She seems so happy when we are alone but is getting unresponsive to dh unless it is in anger or fear. I know you are right and I know i msut act. It jsut seems an insurmountable task with no easy way round it. But thank you so much. I will be back

I'm sorry Snowkitten if this has been asked before but is there a need (whatever type of need doesn't matter) for your dh to have TWO demanding jobs? The way you descibe him working miles away and then being on call when he is home would be enough to make anyone jittery.