|i think dh is having a nervous breakdown and I don't know what to do

[snowkitten]

he is totally stressed, regularly sobs or bursts into rages.He is totally wired. Twitches, shakes, rants, rocks in tension. he has two high profile jobs and is under enormous pressure. This is having a terrible effect on me and lo's. He rows with dd (nearly 12yo) adn it is having a dreadful effect on her well being. I am worried sick. Saturday morning he had ds and dd in tears because he swiped the contents of the breakfast talbe onto the floor, dd was pleading with him to stop (I was in teh shower) she came upstairs carrying ds (3yo) asking me to help her . Yesterdat, he was to put up Xmas tree and decs with ds and dd. i went out to get mince pies and party snacks for us to share and when I got back dd was in floods of tears because dh could not find the lights adn he erupted. it is horrendous and I am at teh end of my tether. I need your help please

[podsquash]

Yes, council is talking crap, of course. You would be rehoused as a high priority. Getting some proper help from a refuge (even if you are in Devon you can at least talk to them) will ensure that you are dealt with properly. Are you going to Devon for Easter?

[willsurvivethis]

snowkitten council is talking up their own street/out of the wrong orifice. If you are made homeless due to him being unliveable with and refusing to leave the home you are homeless with children and actually high priority. Owning a home doesn't count if you don't live there. Get some legal advice from a housing solicitor or CAB.

[snowkitten]

things are shit. I don't know what keeps me going/here. I have sought advice though and the council advise me to stay here as I would be a very low priorty band for a home as we are home owners. i am fucked and stuck and sick to death of it. AT least he is going for help now though. Fingers crossed and thanks for keeping me going

[CheekyVimtoGal]

I have just read this thread, hugs to you Snowkitten.

How are things now?

[Snorbs]

Hi snow, how are you?

[mumonthenet]

hi snow, I haven't been around recently as this thread keeps dropping of my "threads you're on" thingy. must spend some time trying to understand the new MN....

anyway, am so pleased you are making some progress, even to be party to his (possible) improvement requires such strength. You are doing great, and you will get there in the end, even if the end is the end of your marriage.

[cestlavielife]

good for you. dont lessen your resolve to move.

if he really gets help and sorted - great. he can visit you and dcs in devon later.

if he doesnt - you have a new life to look forward to.

my moving out two-year anniversary is april 18th ! (tho i had planned it for 28 april - had to bring it forward after he kicked off....be prepared as you make plans...)

[snowkitten]

he has not been admitted yet. they gave him a choice of residential care or doing it from home. He hasn't decided yet. he doesn;t want to stop. he has been pissed on and off sicne Monday when he had his consultation. My Devon deal is still on. Aiming for Easter if all is OK with property.

[NanaNina]

SK - glad you are having some peace. Re blood tests - a GP will often refer someone to the local hospital for blood tests - it's a way of ruling out anything serious or finding out if anything needs further investigation - very routine.

Are you still planning to go to Devon to the house your friend is letting you have. You mentioned going at Easter (which is only a couple of weeks away) and wonder if this would be a good time for you to make the move as you could do all the preparations without him around to try to stop you. But maybe your plans have changed.

[snowkitten]

i have no doubt that ttere is damage - he has several symptoms

[cestlavielife]

the counselling for you is for you... take it as being for you to use as needed.

blood test? well should be routine in case "depression" is due to thyriod or other issues. but anyway he will see if liver damaged etc...

[snowkitten]

he had to have blood tests today too. i am amazed that it took the medical profession so long to see fit to carry them out.. I guess if you go to gp with depression they cannot routinely take blood from you? I am very interested to see how damaged he is internally. /maybe that will shake him up a bitn

[snowkitten]

cestlavie - part of his treatment is for me to receive counselling too. I doubt that he will stop drinking. He is angry - like a child whose sweeties have been taken away. He did not seek help, the help was foisted upon him by his places of work. I am very very sceptical that this will have any long term good outcome. But, like you say, it will give me some much needed space and peace. And all you are saying is right. Thankyou

[cestlavielife]

please go see a counsellor to talk thru what has happened - there is an element of post traumatic stress when something like this happens ..... you spend so much energy getting through the days and hoding it together. you need to also address the emotiona fall out on you....

take tiem to think what you want.

for longer term.

so much has gone on you need to process it.

you will now have the space and peace to rebuild...you DONT have to have him back in your home.

you dont have to have him back in your life ever - except in so far as he has a realtionship with his DCS - and you can certainly at least consider you will only allow short visits initially.

see how the children are....enjoy the peace.

it took me counselling and time apart when my exP went off to his home country to get "well" - i was dreading his return... it was only with counselling i realised i had a choice.

i told him it was over..he didnt accept this and that led to a whole lot more grief but that is another story.

whatever vows/promises you made at one point - something has broken... to take him back you need to be really sure what your limits and boundaries are.

at the very least - arrange for him to live elsewhere for some many months and just visit.

onus is on him to prove himself - not on you to accept whatever comes.

you and your children come first.

[humptyismarriedtoanumpty]

snowkitten glad to hear that you will finally be getting some space. I really hope this helps you all, but don't get your hopes up that this is the end to it.... It's more complicated than a bit of therapy.

At least you will get some time with your kids and some breathing space and also a sense of what life would be like without him, which might help you to make some long term decisions.

[snowkitten]

Thanks snorbs

[Snorbs]

snowkitten, I'm glad things are calming down for you. It's very much early days for him. A lot of people who go into rehab leave early. Most people who go to rehab will relapse sooner or later. Even among those who go to rehab and remain sober, a fair proportion keep on being annoying, selfish twunts albeit without the excuse of the twuntiness being caused by booze.

The best suggestion I can make for you right now is to not make any firm decisions other than to just enjoy the peace and quiet and to concentrate on you and your children. Leave him to do whatever it is he needs to do.

It is hard for a relationship to survive the abuse, lies and chaos that alcoholism brings with it. If this really is the end for you and him then so be it, but that's not a decision you have to make today.

[snowkitten]

today he has gone to the Priory - paid for by his company. Things are calm owing to the Prozac but if he gets fixed I don't even think i will still want him. Anyone got any experience of this or shall I start another thread?

[cestlavielife]

it is easy to try and hold on to promise of change - but really you need to continue with your plans to move on. your dcs need some stability and a new start.

If he gets sober then over the next 12 months you can re-establish contact and even relationship - but you HAVE to make that break from him in order to rebuild something. and to provide stability for the dcs.

in that time you will get to know if there is really change or not.

[Snorbs]

The fact that he's got full-blown alcohol withdrawal symptoms says a lot about the quantity he has been drinking and how often. Be alert to the possibility of seizures and, if he does have one, call an ambulance immediately.

The fact that he's getting alcohol withdrawal symptoms and is still determined to continue with drinking says everything you need to know. "Normal" people don't do that. They don't drink so much that they get alcohol withdrawal symptoms and, even if they did, they certainly wouldn't then plan to continue drinking regardless. He was an actively drinking alcoholic last week and he's an actively drinking alcoholic today. His promises to cut down are meaningless as he won't be able to stick to them for long.

Nothing's changed, snowkitten. He's told you he fully intends to continue to drink. What more do you need to know?

[willsurvivethis]

Snowkitten - an alcoholic cannot CUT DOWN - that's the oldest FACT in the book.

[snowkitten]

as for the devon thing. no chance until easter as she is still working on the property

[snowkitten]

he is trying to cut down on his boozing now. he has finally admitted there may be a problem......trouble is he is doing it without any medical help. he is shaking, twitching, sweating etc. And that is by lunchtime! Fuck knows how much he has really been drinking and at waht time in the morning . He is still drinking but a mfraction of what he was. Now i don;t know where the fuck i am in terms of my future. hte prozac has certainly kicked in too. he is almost nice but i find it fucking nauseating. too little too late

[Snorbs]

snowkitten, I know it hurts but believe me it doesn't matter what lies he tries to tell at the moment. The truth will out in the end. An addict's life lurches from drama to drama, crisis to crisis. They can't hide that forever.

My ex spread all sorts of lies about me when we split up. Since then I've had more than a few people come up to me and say "You know, when you split from your ex I thought you were making it all up but you weren't, were you?"

The people who listen to the gossip, make snap judgements and don't bother to hear the other side are not worth worrying about. The people who matter, your true friends, will show themselves by how they stick around.

[willsurvivethis]

go for it snowkitten just do it

he's lying about you now - this must tell you everything you need to know?