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Original poster

|i think dh is having a nervous breakdown and I don't know what to do

389 replies

snowkitten · 14/12/2009 11:19

he is totally stressed, regularly sobs or bursts into rages.He is totally wired. Twitches, shakes, rants, rocks in tension. he has two high profile jobs and is under enormous pressure. This is having a terrible effect on me and lo's. He rows with dd (nearly 12yo) adn it is having a dreadful effect on her well being. I am worried sick. Saturday morning he had ds and dd in tears because he swiped the contents of the breakfast talbe onto the floor, dd was pleading with him to stop (I was in teh shower) she came upstairs carrying ds (3yo) asking me to help her . Yesterdat, he was to put up Xmas tree and decs with ds and dd. i went out to get mince pies and party snacks for us to share and when I got back dd was in floods of tears because dh could not find the lights adn he erupted. it is horrendous and I am at teh end of my tether. I need your help please

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cestlavielife · 23/02/2010 11:30

that is good, that you are gettng a chance to regroup. and less tension?

set clear boundaries for your h.

just worried for you it could be the calm before the storm - keep the urgent escape plan in your head, somewhere else to go "in case".

while you consider longer term options.

at some point he needs to address the drinking .

the anti-d's wont address underlying issues -though they should allow him the head space to do so though. he needs to show he is also going to go to counselling, therapy, al-anon, something... he cant potter around for ever.

how long will they pay full pay sick leave to him?

Original poster
snowkitten · 24/02/2010 15:48

i have told him today i have had enough and don't want him anymore. he is now lying to everyone a) about his drinking and b) that I unsupportive blah blah blah. He was gobsmacked. stupid bastard. had enough

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podsquash · 24/02/2010 20:26

!

mumonthenet · 26/02/2010 21:22

how are you snow?

thinking of you.

Original poster
snowkitten · 27/02/2010 16:27

i am shitty. more later. lots to do right now

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dittany · 27/02/2010 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
snowkitten · 27/02/2010 19:59

you are right. I am meeting with a friend tomorrow. she is offering my plenty of rl support. thank you for reminding me. Maybe it is not just him in denial........

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Original poster
snowkitten · 01/03/2010 21:07

i have somewhere to go now. a house miles away for as long as I want. his dad told me today that he had said that for every bottle of his wine that goes in the recyclig bin, there is one of mine to match it. What a lying bastard. I feel sick. His Dad (who knows what he is like) actually said, when I registered my utter shock and disgust at this remark, that he did not know what to believe. I am gobsmacked

OP posts:
dittany · 01/03/2010 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mumonthenet · 01/03/2010 23:23

I suppose that's it, his Dad finds it hard to believe what his son is doing. Of course no-one knows the truth of the life you have been living, do they? Maybe it's time to stop protecting them?

How far is miles away? If you can manage your life and your dc's lives from there then do it. Just do it. Think of it as a three month break. Your dh has 3 months to sort himself out.

Oh, and Dittany's right, of course, who's offering the house, what's the deal?

Original poster
snowkitten · 03/03/2010 13:20

his parents have been aware of events and how diff things have been here. i do not tell them everythig as they are elerly adn she has had a stroke and fell in Dec and has had a hip replacement. he had brain surgery for a tumour last Jan so not fair to burcen them completely. I feel so angry. i have never told a lie about him ever yet he is spinning yarm=ns about me to whoever will listen even though he thinks he is telling the truth. how fucked up is that?! The place where I can go is in Devon., many miles from where i am in south London. I cannot do anything yet - not until Easter time. but it is an anormous relief to know that I have an 'out'. It is a 4 bed house of her dh as the moved in to her house with their children

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NanaNina · 04/03/2010 12:46

Glad you are getting some support SK, but I have to say I find your posts a little confusing. I don't understand what you mean by "it is a 4 bed house of her dh as the moved in to her house with their children" - it isn't of course important that I don't understand but I hope that you do. How realistic is this plan, and what is going to make you move when you have resisted it for so long. Is it because it is a nice house rather than a WA Safe house. Can't blame you for that but just wondered if this really is an escape plan that is going to be successful. You said some weeks ago that you had 3 different places where you could go, I think you said your parents/brother or his parents (though from what you say now that is not an option). I wondered why you have decided against those options.

cestlavielife · 04/03/2010 15:29

i understood it as her friend's dh has a hosue in devon he doesnt need as her friend and dh are all lviing in her friend's house.

anyway devon sounds good and a great place for summer. i hope is ok for schools and stuff? what about finances?

Original poster
snowkitten · 04/03/2010 21:38

my friend has 3 childreb (2 at uni), she remarried and her new dh has 2 children (both at uni). they decided to move into her hosue and rent out his (4 bedroomed family home). They don't need the money as they are very well established so are prepared to defer renting it out in order that I can use it. Hope that clarifies things! She is the most amazing friend and we have known each other since we started senior school 33 years ago. the house she lives in is about 3 mins from teh empty one adn as she has been through a similar experience several years ago she is a fantastic support

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willsurvivethis · 04/03/2010 21:42

go for it snowkitten just do it

he's lying about you now - this must tell you everything you need to know?

Snorbs · 04/03/2010 22:06

snowkitten, I know it hurts but believe me it doesn't matter what lies he tries to tell at the moment. The truth will out in the end. An addict's life lurches from drama to drama, crisis to crisis. They can't hide that forever.

My ex spread all sorts of lies about me when we split up. Since then I've had more than a few people come up to me and say "You know, when you split from your ex I thought you were making it all up but you weren't, were you?"

The people who listen to the gossip, make snap judgements and don't bother to hear the other side are not worth worrying about. The people who matter, your true friends, will show themselves by how they stick around.

Original poster
snowkitten · 09/03/2010 20:22

he is trying to cut down on his boozing now. he has finally admitted there may be a problem......trouble is he is doing it without any medical help. he is shaking, twitching, sweating etc. And that is by lunchtime! Fuck knows how much he has really been drinking and at waht time in the morning . He is still drinking but a mfraction of what he was. Now i don;t know where the fuck i am in terms of my future. hte prozac has certainly kicked in too. he is almost nice but i find it fucking nauseating. too little too late

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Original poster
snowkitten · 09/03/2010 20:23

as for the devon thing. no chance until easter as she is still working on the property

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willsurvivethis · 09/03/2010 21:08

Snowkitten - an alcoholic cannot CUT DOWN - that's the oldest FACT in the book.

Snorbs · 09/03/2010 23:56

The fact that he's got full-blown alcohol withdrawal symptoms says a lot about the quantity he has been drinking and how often. Be alert to the possibility of seizures and, if he does have one, call an ambulance immediately.

The fact that he's getting alcohol withdrawal symptoms and is still determined to continue with drinking says everything you need to know. "Normal" people don't do that. They don't drink so much that they get alcohol withdrawal symptoms and, even if they did, they certainly wouldn't then plan to continue drinking regardless. He was an actively drinking alcoholic last week and he's an actively drinking alcoholic today. His promises to cut down are meaningless as he won't be able to stick to them for long.

Nothing's changed, snowkitten. He's told you he fully intends to continue to drink. What more do you need to know?

cestlavielife · 10/03/2010 09:44

it is easy to try and hold on to promise of change - but really you need to continue with your plans to move on. your dcs need some stability and a new start.

If he gets sober then over the next 12 months you can re-establish contact and even relationship - but you HAVE to make that break from him in order to rebuild something. and to provide stability for the dcs.

in that time you will get to know if there is really change or not.

Original poster
snowkitten · 16/03/2010 18:24

today he has gone to the Priory - paid for by his company. Things are calm owing to the Prozac but if he gets fixed I don't even think i will still want him. Anyone got any experience of this or shall I start another thread?

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Snorbs · 16/03/2010 19:48

snowkitten, I'm glad things are calming down for you. It's very much early days for him. A lot of people who go into rehab leave early. Most people who go to rehab will relapse sooner or later. Even among those who go to rehab and remain sober, a fair proportion keep on being annoying, selfish twunts albeit without the excuse of the twuntiness being caused by booze.

The best suggestion I can make for you right now is to not make any firm decisions other than to just enjoy the peace and quiet and to concentrate on you and your children. Leave him to do whatever it is he needs to do.

It is hard for a relationship to survive the abuse, lies and chaos that alcoholism brings with it. If this really is the end for you and him then so be it, but that's not a decision you have to make today.

Original poster
snowkitten · 16/03/2010 20:01

Thanks snorbs

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humptyismarriedtoanumpty · 17/03/2010 00:06

snowkitten glad to hear that you will finally be getting some space. I really hope this helps you all, but don't get your hopes up that this is the end to it.... It's more complicated than a bit of therapy.

At least you will get some time with your kids and some breathing space and also a sense of what life would be like without him, which might help you to make some long term decisions.