going to have a 'good' week

[Sax]

Hope to be around a bit this week but on the onwards and upwards line not the low and sad one. Decided to take a positive attitude starting now and hope not to disappoint myself. i should be here if anyone needs an ear! Have a good week everyone......

Sorry folks I'm off on a Wednesday,

I've got to go as my boss is here today.... looking over my shoulder!! Selfish man is eating into my MN time. Back soon.

I don't know how many of you want to keep this thread going - I don't want people to feel they have to if they don't want to - I'm around today if anyone needs a chat! No worries queenflounce but your input will be missed - catch up soon but DON'T GET SACKED!!!!!!

I'm doing my 'too many people input yesturday' so 'lets hide away from the world today' which is why i'm going to be on MN!!!! so sunglasses on for nursery run (which always means i don't need to give eye contact) ignore my list of jobs and do some escaping!!!!! One of those days!!!

Hi folks, afraid I'm not having a good start to my day. Help! I wasn't going to come on here today, feeling a bit paranoid that somebody will know who I am (why should that matter I wonder!) but I'm here because I just need some reassurance that what I'm thinking and feeling is normal, or at least not abnormal. Oh no, now I'm blubbing again...I hate this. I don't think I've got PND at all, I just think I'm a crap mum - there I've said it. Before anyone replies to say I'm being too hard on myself, I will give you reasons why I think this....the best times of the day for me are when dd is sleeping i.e. I don't need to be with her (how horrible is that?) and I have zero patience for her at times, I've found myself starting to shout at her when she's not doing anything wrong (she's just a baby after all and doesn't know what is wrong). I just feel really guilty that I have this gorgeous daughter who is perfect in every way, I'm so lucky and yet I'm acting like a selfish horrible person...I never thought it would be like this, I honestly thought I would be a great mum, I have had a fantastic upbringing myself so it's not like I don't have good role models. What am I going to do?

Babynovice - You're not a crap Mum.... you are stressed out. Babies are hard work and you don't have to yearn to be close to her 24hrs a day. I know you can't see it.... coz I've been there.... but it does sound like PND. Especially the guilt part. You are not coping as you think you should.... therefore you feel guilty which makes you cope even less. Its a spiral downwards.

Have you spoken to your GP or HV?

Sax - Ah the old sunglasses trick.... a classic.

God girl, you are not a selfish horrible person all this is perfectly normal. I totally agree that you need to discuss things with your gp or HV. Please do this - you do need some extra support, but you are not being abnormal not wanting to be with dd all the time. I have put ds3 to bed now so I can have meeeeee time yet again. We all need that!!!!!!!! Keep posting, and crying is good for us - i wish I could - it releases your tensions and makes us clear away some of the build up. Keep talking!!

Thanks QueenFlounce you are very lovely what you say makes sense. I was doing OK this week too, other than being really tired, I don't know where this feeling has come from at all... I haven't seen GP or HV, after speaking to dp a few nights ago we thought we'd try and get though this by supporting each other - I did feel much more positive after speaking to him but I guess when I'm sitting here myself without him on hand I get that sinking feeling again and dread that dd is going to be hard work. Sax, are you having a 'delicate' day too?
If I go out today, I'm going to have to wear sunglasses too, puffy and blotchy is not a good look!

Thank you Sax. I know you are both right I should talk to a professional...think I will follow your lead Sax and not tell dp though because he might feel like I'm ignoring his support, or that he's not supporting me well enough. I can always tell him once I've been and heard what HV or GP has to say. Would you recommend going straight to GP or would HV be better?

I think it depends who you feel you can discuss this with. Is your HV good? do you have a gp who you feel you may be able to open up to????

Not sure my lead of not discussing things is a good one! especially as you've already taken the step to tell dp how you are feeling. However, one thing at a time and the first thing is to get this off your chest and see either gp or hv. I don't think I can advise - i hate my HV and also I don't think mine is pnd more general depression form lots of added pressures.

I'm still here babynovice - keep going

Sorry, in my haste to dump the contents of my head onto the screen I forgot to say hi to Gossifer and Meeely2! How are you doing? See what I mean....I'm so selfish and up my own backside!! Now I realise I have posted three messages in a row and not letting anyone reply - maybe I should start my own thread and keep talking to myself
Sax, have seen your previous message about keeping thread going - feel free to wind down if you're getting fed up with it. Just like to say big big thanks to you, QueenFlounce and all for helping me and I'd like to keep chatting if you want to start a different thread

I don't want it to wind down, you are misunderstanding me! you are not selfish babynovice - lets keep it going, by all means start your own thread if you wish however I am more than happpy for this one to keep going.
Stop being paranoid, I know this is easy for me to say - I DO KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU ARE FEELING but keep going, now answer my question about who you are going to see!!!!!!!!

HV is a very nice lady but I don't find her particularly approachable, gives good advice about practical things but not sure how easy I would find it to open up. I have had to see a GP before when I was feeling v. stressed about stuff and it was a bit of a nightmare because I went in quite composed and then lost it....don't want to repeat that experience - have palpitations thinking about it! Could do the writing it down thing you did - actually just playing the situation out in my head I can imagine I would really lose it doing that. I'm getting stressed just thinking about going to see someone - now I realise what a big deal it is what you did

But a vital one - I wrote it all down in a letter just how I was 'feeling'. Its good to do this even if its not something you will then give in. Do it today and think about if you want to give it in to a dr and make an appointment afterwards or if you want to make the appointment and just take some of the points from your letter with you!
listen, it is a big deal, but the fact you are getting stressed about it tells me you know thats the next step - yes??????? now it sounds like the HV is a no go, so its the gp then. I found I didn't want a male one, so wrote my letter to a female one i'd once seen there and I knew she would handle me!!!! I clammed up again in the appoint but she already knew how to draw me into expressing some things. You need to do this whilst you are thinking of it! I'm not pushing you into it, but I think you know its the next step. How are you feeling now?

hello there!
sax, we will continue this thread as long as you want - i can't get to a computer all day because this little 4 monther of mine seems to require constant supervision at the mo, otherwise i would be on here so much more; i think when things are bad its so good to know there is a friend just a few taps away, don't you! you did so well yesterday, well done chuck!!! its great that you were being REAL with your SIL!
just started to give ds his first babyrice, feel weird that he's not gonna be a little one any more
baby novice - i think we live in a world where we are meant to LOVE our kiddies, but that isn't natural all the time - your life changes so much, things take time, and there's nothing wrong with wanting a bit of time to yourself - don't give yourself a hard time
have a great day y'all,

Good to hear from you Goss- good luck with the weaning!!!! Just pop in when you can, as you say its so good to know there are friends on here to talk to who aren't too far away and can empathise with us and feel how we feel.

Yes, I think I realise I have to do this...I suppose I'm just scared what they're going to say. On one hand I want someone to say 'you're fine, everybody is like this so get on with it and don't worry' on the other hand I want someone to say 'you're not fine and if you do blah-blah then you will feel better'. Does that make sense? I have calmed down a bit now and have stopped crying so that's a step in the right direction, dd will be up soon though so just trying to work out what to do today, probably another long walk (with sunglasses on).

Babynovice - What about the appointment - that could be done today?

..grabbing a moment to post.

I remember that feeling of being puffy and blotchy after a hysterical episode. I wouldn't go out AT ALL! I was too scared that one of the neighbours had heard me screaming.

I used to scream into my duvet "Why am I not happy, WHY can't I be normal" and I would hold hysterical conversations with myself screaming how alone I felt and how I just wanted to die.

I would close the blinds in the house so that neighbours couldn't see me. I developed a sort of Agoraphobia. I couldn't even put the bin out in case my neighbour tried to chat with me.

The feelings do seem to come from nowhere. One minute I felt positive, the next minute I would be sobbing hysterically down the phone to DH screaming for him to come home and help me.

I thought it couldn't possibly be PND! I had a partner who supported me, a healthy baby, a job, a house, no serious financial issues.... and I was healthy. So WHY did I feel like my world had collapsed around me, WHY did I spend most of my time crying and being to ashamed to leave the house????
Because I was ill..... I had an illness which f*cked up all logic and reason in my brain.... it made me lose perspective and caused me to have anxiety attacks if I had ran out of bread/milk!

When you finally realise that you have an illness... and it has a name, then you can start answering the questions as to just WHY you feel that way. And stop trying to reason with your own mind that you should be happy, but you're not.... so therefore you must be a terrible parent/horrible person/selfish etc etc.

Well it is highly unlikely that you are CHOOSING to feel that way. So it is equally unlikely that you are being a horrible person/bad parent.

Threads like this are what made me get help and finally say the words. I SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION..... and suffer is such an appropriate word.

Hi Gossifer, know what you mean about the weaning it is such a big step, I was so nervous about feeding 'proper' food to dd even though she was practically grabbing my food out of my hands!! I will try to stop beating myself up, it's good to speak to you all - better go and get dd. Bye for now, have a good day

Bloody well put queenflounce - you are our inspiration - I still read and believe you are talking about someone else with the illness bit but I wouldn't be on anti Ds if I didn't think something was wrong!
I hope Babynovice reads this becasue i think you have described a lot of how she is feeling - good for you and thank you for sharing this with us.
Incidently I'm sitting here with curtains closed, only intending going out to pick up ds1 and will try to avoid getting into any sort of conversation, but thats just because its one of those days! My papers to sort are all over the desk - sod em! I actually fancy a drink and not of water but will resist for now because look at the time - wayyyyyyyyyy too early!
Let us know how you are later Babynovice if you have to go now - I'll be here later.

sorry i'm late girls - twin 2, arthur, sent home from nursery yesterday with chicken pox! twin 1 bound to get it anyday now so at home with both, waiting for second set of spots. First set pretty impressive!

Can't remember how to look after them all day on my own! I'm supposed to be working too so that I don't have to go on unpaid leave, trying to convince my boss I can do both! Boys behaving well though, considering their predicament...so fingers crossed this week doesn't drag by.

Must crack on with some real work.

Sax - I still look back and feel like I'm describing a different person..... because I was a different person! I look at photos of me smiling with ds when he was a few mths old and wonder what was going through my mind.... nothing nice I can guarantee that.

For a long time that part of my life was blank.... completely lost. It is slowly coming back to me. I now remember his first steps/words/tantrum! I was horrified with myself that I couldn't remember those things.... but my mind must have jsut blocked off the memories of everything during the worst time of my life.

It does get better though, I promise you!!! You've just got to admit that you are ill and need assistance.

Queenflounce - I have admitted I'm ill to have gone to the drs and I am taking my tablets. But I just feel like I'm waiting for some divine inspiration which will make everything better - this is totally unrealistic and stupid, only I can sort out my shit and no one else - so what the hell am I waiting around, wasting my time, not sorting out my life. I just feel so in limbo! God i'm getting boring harping on and on about stuff I've already said, sorry guys.

Sax - Yeah you've taken that huge step, but I still get the feeling that you think you have made this happen to you... like you've created a problem (maybe I'm completely wrong!)! You haven't. Thats like saying I made myself have PND by having a baby. Yes I could've have not had a baby therefore avoided the chances of PND.... but such is life.

The AD's will work, and if they don't you can try another type. Or try a different method. It is trial and error I suppose..... but you WILL get over this! It's not a permanent state. You keep facing it head on and on your good days you tell youself that you WILL beat it. On your bad days just do what you need to do get through that day and make the next one better.

but its not a virus, its a state of mind, so one which do control! Although I cannot deal with this totally myself now, of course I've created it - i just need some assistance to come out the other side (which I never thought I'd say). I thought I was strong, I thought I would cope with whatever life threw my way, I thought I knew my mind - thats the frightening part, not knowing what i'm thinking and feeling becasue then the control has gone. Now I'm waffling. You have an amazing calming influence in your tone queenflounce, you have a very effective style - thank you for your participation (and I do know you shouldn't be here today - DO NOT GET THE SACK)