I feel so so bad. Warning: graphic. Do not look if squeamish.

[ABitWrong]

I am not doing very well atm and am struggling to contain self-destructive urges.
I want to cut my arms, my legs, my face, everything.
I want to empty the kettle over myself.
I want to smash my head and my limbs.
Anything, anything to stop me feeling so shit.

Does the fact that I am mostly resisting these urges mean that I am in fact okay? Isthis what okay is supposed to feel like?

And the suicidal thoughts keep creeping in. Thoughts of ODing, running in front of a bus, jumping out of a window.
They come so suddenly.
What if I can't resist?

Even genuinely make a smear appointment as well so then you wouldn't even have to lie.

Can't.

But in any case, I have been seen and referred and assessed and referred and I am in the system.
If I went to gp and said I feel like shit it weouldn't really be news.

I just can't do it. Can't say it. I will freeze up.

What would you say to one of us in your situation ABW?

x-post there.

I know what you mean re freezing up. can you text or something to start with, might make it easier?

I would say...I don't know.
I really don't know.

I just wonder if it would help to sit down and think about this as if you were giving advice to someone else. Write it down. How you feel. Your objective response to it as an onlooker.

I can't think properly. My headkeeps going in circles.
Things are just impossible.
And enormous.

One thing at a time.

You have to start somewhere. Don't worry about all of it, just get a few things out of your head and onto paper.

Hey ABW,
Use me as an excuse if that helps?

Smear appt is good idea though.

I can't put stuff on paper, somebody will find it. I already have a wodge of paper that I need to burn but no opportunity. Can't fit any morein my pocket.

LR, I think I pretended I was meeting you when I did go for a smear!
I wouldn't admit to a smear either.
Not totally sure why.