I feel so so bad. Warning: graphic. Do not look if squeamish.

[ABitWrong]

I am not doing very well atm and am struggling to contain self-destructive urges.
I want to cut my arms, my legs, my face, everything.
I want to empty the kettle over myself.
I want to smash my head and my limbs.
Anything, anything to stop me feeling so shit.

Does the fact that I am mostly resisting these urges mean that I am in fact okay? Isthis what okay is supposed to feel like?

And the suicidal thoughts keep creeping in. Thoughts of ODing, running in front of a bus, jumping out of a window.
They come so suddenly.
What if I can't resist?

Or can a family member look after them for a day? They don't need to know why. It could be shopping or a dental appointment or just a day to yourself. Everyone needs one of those from time to time.

You say your responsibilities are keeping you going and I can see how that would be the case. You also say that if it weren't for those responsibilities are preventing you from breaking down completely.

You must have a lot of personal strength to be able to keep going so you have a lot to feel proud about.

But perhaps one day away could enable you to at least start on the road to feeling better and prevent that total breakdown.

Does P not know anything about this? How would he respond if he knew? Would he help? Would he be with the DC so you could go and see someone?

Only family member close enough is my mum. Can not talk to her.

Dcs would want to know why I was leaving them somewhere, I don't normally go places without them. Older two in particular would ask questions.

Not telling P. He is scathing about all things mental anyway, but I just want my life to be mine, warts'n'all. It is very important.

Your wellbeing is really important. It doesn't matter if questions are asked. There are many reasons why you could need to go somewhere without your dcs even if you don't normally do so. Please ask your Mum to help you, even if you don't tell her why.

Actually, there might just be a way

Really can't ask my mum though.

Hope so

If you can, do something enjoyable for yourself as well as going to the GP.

ABW - just tell dp that he is bloody well looking after the children because there are thibgs you have to do. If he's ersious about wanting you to say together, he needs to put up and shut up for once.

But there is NO WAY we are staying together.
If all else fails, I shall wait until youngest is 16 or so then walk.

I am not asking him favours.
Or risking having to explain anything.

ABW. Sigh. He doesn't need to know that. yet. Just make with the damn appointment...

He does. I have told him. If I am seen to waver it will just go on and on. More than it will anyway

I just need to shut the fuck up, and wait. And hope.

Really actually can't stand this.

But it's not really asking him to do you a favour, to be there for the kids while you go to the GP, that is just normal parental responsibility and surely he can do that. And just because they ask you questions or are curious, doesn't mean you have to give them the whole truth - you just say mummy is seeing the doctor, it's quite a normal everyday thing, to see the doctor, and they don't have to know everything. Sitting it out until dd2 is 16 is not really an answer. I do think you need some real life support and counselling with this.

mummy doesn't do seeing the doctor
mummy doesb't do anything like that
there will be questions, from him, from dcs
oh god and then they will all tell my mum

Mummy is an adult
Mummy is a grown woman who is allowed to have a separate identity.
Mummy can't be a mummy unless she looks after herself.

And if you older dc don't know this yet it's about time they - and him - and your mother - do!

ABW - I know this sounds harsh from me.
I'm not being harsh because I'm irritated with you or because I don't like you. I am being harsh because I am extremely worried about you.
x

Molly is right. Going to the doctor is a totally normal thing that people do when they don't feel well. Your children and your partner have no right at all to stop you from getting help, and you can't avoid getting help because of a fear of having to answer their questions. You are a separate person, with separate needs, and you can't just give up on yourself. We're saying this because we like you and care about you and find it hard to see you feeling so awful.

abw- do you seriously look after your DC 24/7?

What about you? is it any wonder you feel so bad- you never have any downtime!

I doubt their father works 24/7, I'm sure he has time to himself, so you should have that too. What does he do at the weekends?

But they would still want to know why i was going. And I can't tell them.
Andif I lieandsay it isabout something else then my mother will get to hear and take me aside and whisper at me for 3 days about howterribly terribly worried she is and why am I not going to homeopath and is it money that is the problem and then if I don't tell her anything she will cry and pull out her hairand say I am shutting her out.
There is no me. I am public property to be inspected and scrutinised and poked over and discussed and fucking thought about until I am so claustrophobic I can't breathe.

No, he does soimew stuff,. Sometimes I do shopping alone but I have to be quick or it gets farught.
I leave the older 2 downstairs when I take theyounger two up to bed.
I leave youngest at home with him when I collect oldest from school otherwiseshe falls asleep then stays up all night.
Oh, and I go to about 3 committee meetingsa year.
Luxury.

No, he does soimew stuff,. Sometimes I do shopping alone but I have to be quick or it gets farught.
I leave the older 2 downstairs when I take theyounger two up to bed.
I leave youngest at home with him when I collect oldest from school otherwiseshe falls asleep then stays up all night.
Oh, and I go to about 3 committee meetingsa year.
Luxury.

Oh, and he has started taking them to fucking macdonalds cos obviously he is the good nice fun one and i am just shitty git mummy.

ABW

I agree with the others, I think the risk of dcs, P, M finding out anything is far more desirable than the alternative of you feeling seriously ill even until September, let alone longer than that.

You mentioned yesterday that there might be a way. Can you tell us? Is it a possibility.

I have a DS. Just the one. If I don't get some time to myself from time to time I feel awful and I start to feel like I exist only for the benefit of others. Thankfully I am in a situation where that does not have to happen.

Please don't allow yourself to stay in the situation where you cannot go to the doctor for yourself. Seeing a healthcare professional is considered a basic human right in this country. Your dcs, P and M would all see a Dr if they were ill so why not you? Could you tell your Mum you are going for a cervical smear or some other routine test?

Could you say you were getting a smear?

I just don't know how I would cope like that... it certainly seems to be a completely inequitable relationship, hardly surprising he doesn't want to leave.

Tell them to mind their own business.
Tell them it's ''wimmin's problems''.
Tell them you think you are growing a pair of devil horns.
Tell them anything
Just make the appointment.

X-post minimarmite... surely theres no homeopathic substitute for a smear?