I feel so so bad. Warning: graphic. Do not look if squeamish.

[ABitWrong]

I am not doing very well atm and am struggling to contain self-destructive urges.
I want to cut my arms, my legs, my face, everything.
I want to empty the kettle over myself.
I want to smash my head and my limbs.
Anything, anything to stop me feeling so shit.

Does the fact that I am mostly resisting these urges mean that I am in fact okay? Isthis what okay is supposed to feel like?

And the suicidal thoughts keep creeping in. Thoughts of ODing, running in front of a bus, jumping out of a window.
They come so suddenly.
What if I can't resist?

Sorry to ask, but what has happened to suddenly bring this on?

I have been pretty bad, on and off, since December.

but just over a week ago i told theman i live with that I want to break up. It hastaken several years, much bravery and a few nasty incidents to get to thispoint.
i am now in thelimbo situation I dreaded I wouldbe in as he is still here.

Oh, andmy mother stayed for a few days which I findenormously stressful.

i also have bulimia, which is pretty bad right now

I dont know what to say abitwrong except that I will think of you

Keep strong - I think you CAN beat this!

op...hope things will get better soon and that you find the right kind of help...
but please do something to help yourself in a posituve way!

thanks

I am in touch with the samaritans but it is slow by email

Hi there, I will follow this thread. I hope you get better. Listen to the women here.

But if there is any way you need a man|s view I am here to help.

Good luck. I suffer from low self esteem myself.

Manindadirndl awww..... it's nice to always get a man's view.

ABitWrong ((((((hugsss)))))) I hope you can feel that

ABitWrong - hang on in there if the only way you can contact Sams is email.

The fact you can verbalise thoughts is good. You are aware of what you are feeling, and able to admit to yourself what's going on. That's pretty full-on.

Please don't forget that many people you may walk past in street of a day may be thinking the same thing as you. Ok it's not 'normal' as in 'healthy', whatever that is, but you are not alone. And not unusual, when you do get to speak to Sams. They won't be phased, or shocked by your words.

Like many people on here.

Haven't been on mumsnet for a while, but now seeing this, remembering just how everyone rallies round.

I have a good friend who is going through what you are at the moment. We keep talking about the 'rollercoaster days'...the ones that are good, and the ones that slide downwards. When you are going down that slide, you can't remember the good ones till it goes back up that hill. You won't be able to see the hill yet, but it's there, waiting for you to climb gradually back up.

That is so much to deal with at once.

Perhaps separating it out would help- concentrating on one thing at a time?

Being scared of getting better is normal- fear of change is something we all have to some extent, and when we are not well that is heightened.

ADs- well, all ADs are not the same. There are many different types, and they work differently for different people. Sometimes we need that chemical help too- illnesses like this may have a psychological or emotional trigger but they change your chemistry too, and there is no shame in using something to change that back. If you had a broken leg you would splint it, ADs are a chemical splint- once the body has the chemical balance back, it can get on with healing.

I have no experience of ED, but there are lots of people on here who have, and there are lots of other sites out there with people who are going through similar things on. Maybe a quick google? For someone like Beat? There are lots of fora too which might be better in terms of someone to chat through, even if it's just virtual handholding from a place where they understand you.

Mothers... well... I could go on all day about mothers...
Another thread perhaps? Have you been on the stately home thread?
There are a thousand of threads about mothers under relationships- I have found a lot of help, advice and support on there.

And the biggy... leaving a relationship.
I am so sorry you are going through this, and of course it means you are not getting the support you need at home but you have been so brave- obviously change has been needed for some time- but you have started to make that happen. That is a really positive thing.

Things will still be so raw (do you feel some relief though?)
Perhaps practical steps are the way to deal with this atm. When can he move out (I assume he is leaving, not you)?
What financial support will you get- from him, from the state? Do you have your own bank account?
What access to the children will he have?
Do the children even know yet?

Again, there are many many threads about this on here- relationships, legal/money, etc.

You have taken huge steps this week... I cannot imagine the turmoil you must be in. Just take a step back, and let nothing happen for a while- it takes time for the water to clear again.
I don't do {hugs} but if I did there would be a huge one {{{{}}}}

Hi abw... wondering how you are today?

I had a nice day, met up with friends, it was good.
but then coming back here is hard. And sometimes I just can't fucking stand it.
I am not doing well.
I am even drinking beer. I never drink beer. It is vile.

I don't know howto break it all up. Because it is all going on, all the time.
There is no way out.

Is he going to leave? Can you and DC leave?

Just stumbled across this.

Thinking of you

Hang in there

I wish there was something constructive I could say/do xx

abitwrong, I am so sorry I didn't see this sooner. I knew you were struggling and I feel a bit crap and useless about earlier...

You are so lovely - you are patient, kind and thoughtful with your children, you are very cool, beautiful, lots of fun and a good friend. Please, get some help. You don't deserve this

Hi ABW, just came across your thread.

I'm sorry that you are feeling like this.

One of my oldest, dearest friends went through a similar situation a few years ago, though she became anorexic rather than bulemic, but your post has reminded me of a lot of thoughts that she expressed at the time.

Using a combination of ADs and therapy she slowly made a recovery and is in a very different place now.

In practical terms, and whilst you are waiting for your next appointment, it might be useful to focus on small activities that you can do to help yourself. She forced herself to do some physical exercise most days - walking, swimming and cycling worked for her - she recognised that the chemicals her brain released as a result had an effect on her mood - this was in conjunction with a healthier eating plan that she devised for herself. Also, being outside in daylight helped her to an extent. I'm not suggesting that these things helped her get better, and don't wish to belittle how you are feeling now, but i believe it is useful to focus on practical things that you can do to regain some control of your body and your mind. and taking care of yourself is very important.

in the mean time,thinking of you, and wish you all the best.

Thank you all for kind thoughts and advice.

SB, do NOT feel bad!

The practical side of him leaving floors me a bit. For a start, we are skint, and there is nobody he can go and stay with.

The dcs do not know yet.

Everything just goes round and round in circles in my head.

I don't get much opportunity to do much for me. I was running, but the days seem a different shape atm and the timings don't work out, so I can't get out.

In danger of imploding.

There is lots of advice in legal/money topic... if you moved out, wouldn't you be entitled to HB as a single mum? Also, as a single parent, wouldn't you get increased income support/tax credits than you would with your partner? (disclaimer- I do not know this for sure...)

Though I appreciate I have no idea what would happen to him...

Is there a scarcity of property where you are? (thinking about children's schools)

we are in a village with a lovely school, so don't really want to leave right now, children are settled

does he want to leave, and its just the money issue... or is he trying to get at you?
(feel free not to answer, or tell me to bog off if I'm being too nosy btw!)

he doesn't want to leave
but even if he did, the money thing would still be an issue

Hah... I take it house is not big enough for him to go and live in the east wing?

hmmm... that is certainly difficult... all I can offer is virtual support, as I have a feeling i live some distance from you ... oh and have a shoebox for a home myself.

we have 3 bedrooms, two of them teeny...oh, and four kids

where do you live then?

erm, a big city famed for chocolate.... and a motorway interchange... and a red-haired comedian...
and about as far away from a rural idyllic childhood of messing about in boats or camping in nearby woods/ on islands/caves as you can imagine

It's handy for motorways though!
And drugs....
and violent deaths...
erm... and porcine influenza! (DH just had it, recovering now)

((((((((((((ABW))))))))))))

oh, and a reggae band I rather love?

blimey, hope the rest of you don't catch it

I drove past recently

if I have the right city