I feel so so bad. Warning: graphic. Do not look if squeamish.

[ABitWrong]

I am not doing very well atm and am struggling to contain self-destructive urges.
I want to cut my arms, my legs, my face, everything.
I want to empty the kettle over myself.
I want to smash my head and my limbs.
Anything, anything to stop me feeling so shit.

Does the fact that I am mostly resisting these urges mean that I am in fact okay? Isthis what okay is supposed to feel like?

And the suicidal thoughts keep creeping in. Thoughts of ODing, running in front of a bus, jumping out of a window.
They come so suddenly.
What if I can't resist?

they have given me links, thank you

Forgive me, but I know who you are (on mn, not in rl!) and I have always admired you.

Plus we have at least 1 Dc, and I'm fairly sure 2 DC names in common which means a lot to me, as they're unusual here to say the least, and means you have impeccable taste.

A day at a time is the answer, but I'm sure you know that already.
Have you had this before? (I mean another time, before now in the past)

How did you get through it then? Have you had any CBT at all? Do you have any coping strategies?

Hey abitwrong. Sometimes in the heat of a bad moment things can look so bad and impossible. In that bad moment, you have came on here and asked for support. I hope you realise that is a positive thing, even if it doesn't feel like it, it is.

abw hope you sort it out. I am a man on here so may not be abe to help but I certainly hope they can sort U out. I get my own downers of loneliness in germany but noone can help me I have to do it aone so hoper they help yopu.

Flip! You have made me smile.

admired?
you must be thinking of someone else

I have been feeling bad,on and off, since around December.
But also in the past before this.
Tooooo much stuff going on at once right now.

Thanks HolyG. Certainly helps to do something at crisis point.

Maninadirndl, I hope you can find some friends.

nooooo, definitely you!
Gawd, sounds like a crush, but it's not that! We have lots of things we really like in common, thats all, but you just always sound more, dunno, cool than me... even when talking enthusiatically about a passion, whereas I just sound like an effusive geek
(Oh, and I don't have any ishoos either, oh noooo...)

If you've been through this before, then you need to look at what helped you last time. TBH I found CBT a pile of cack but I do find when things start to get bad that trying to think rationally about how I got 'well' again (for want of a better term) does help me.
I know... I;m not you... but sometimes we need a little voice outside of our black pit to help us see things more clearly.
Not meaning to sound preachy in any way whatsoever, sorry- sometimes I come across as a little brisk...

I did cast an eye over your book list just now...
Dunno about cool though. I am not cool in any way.

Don't really know much about CBT.
I have been referred for art therapy initially, I gather they thought it might be alittle dangerous to change my behaviour without preparation.

Tbh,I have spent so much time recently not giving a shit about me...dunno. What is it like to be well? I can't remember it. I can't see out of where I am.

I have woozed down a bit now. I am in bed and that helps.
I find days pretty hard and evenings worse. Bedtime is such a relief.

Babe, thankis for the nice comments.

I'm used to lonelines now. Wiulll never find resal beer buddies here so Iam used to being lonely. Lovely ladies n MN really help me.

First thing you need i am sure sis sleep.

i've recently found St johns Wort useful. for a while.

Then I'vfe used Valerian extract with Hops. I have hops growing on my balcony this summer so it makesd ne feel good.

First thing U need is sleep. Then it wiul l fall into place.

Weekdays I am very sobver buit weekend I like beer . I st athat so bad?

Glad to hear you are coming down a bit. One step at a time, one day at a time. You're only human like the rest of us, Rome wasn't built in a day. Getting yourself back on track will happen, you can be sure of that. In the meantime, keep posting, keep letting it all out. Whatever it takes to make progress, just do it because your life is too important. We are all here for a reason

I suppose the success of any outside, formal help depends on how willing one is to talk and open up... and that just isn;t me, so maybe thats why I found it useless. Art therapy sounds interesting though.

Please just remember that you have been well. You have got past this before, and you can again.

I;m sorry- I have to go- the light from my mac is disturbing DS.... I'll be on later when he wakes for a feed though, if you want to post anything else- a bit disjointed I know...

Get yourself n an autumn art clas in pottery or whwtever. Anythig creative. I found the girols lovely in my art class., Quite fanciable as an extra.

I did stained gfalass and pottery. That wasin 2000.

Try it.,

..... "I find days pretty hard and evenings worse. Bedtime is such a relief."

Me tooo. Sometimes the only thing to get me through day to day is a bath in the evenings and then watching my favourite film.... Out of Africa. I just escape for a little while, as far away from my reality as I can. But it helps.

What's your favourite film ABitWrong?

Um....dunno. I don't really watch anything these days.
Green Card maybe, or Dirty Dancing (pathetic nostalgia). Or some of the old Ealing comedies. Drop Dead Fred. Planes, Trains and Automobiles. Shreks.

hey a bit wrong just read all the threads and glad you are feeling a little calmer. get those films out and a hot drink,i always found my box set of scrubs allowed me an escape to just breathe easier. please know you are so much more than the pain you are feeling right now and you WILL get over this. i know that is difficult to believe right now but you are a special person, take care of yourself you are so so worth it.

Can one of yu ladies call on this babe here?

Meanwhile OI suffer loneliness in Bavsaria...

How are you feeling today?

i just wish there was something in the world that would stop me breaking apart

is there any chance you can get to a gp, and get on some anti depressents.

I have been where you are. fought and fought it for a long time, but it always came back.

can't

Hi I am not fantastic at advice but I have felt a lot like you did - especially the kettle stuff and I didn't and it DOES get better. I find that when things are unbareable I have to get out the house.

Take care xxx

Don't entertain those horrible thoughts. Shoo them away when you feel them creeping back in. They are only thoughts and once you let them in, they'll start taking over your body and make you feel tired, lethargic, miserable. Do something else ABitWrong. Go for a walk and don't take those thoughts with you. They are like unwanted guests. It's time for them to leave. Be strict.

Do you have any happy photos. Dig them out today and keep one near by : )

p.s. please go and see yor gp today.

Is the opposition to ADs due to past experience?

The thoughts are already in.

Getting out of the house does help, when I can. But when I am on my own I just cry. I can't stop.

I had ADs when I was younger. I don't think they did much good. But I am scared of getting dependent on something.
Also, wouldrather do homeopathy, but I am so self-destructive I can't makemyself go, because I know it is the right thing to do.

Somestupid stupid part of me is scaredof getting better.

I have made myself so sore I feel as though my skin will just split open.