I feel so so bad. Warning: graphic. Do not look if squeamish.

[ABitWrong]

I am not doing very well atm and am struggling to contain self-destructive urges.
I want to cut my arms, my legs, my face, everything.
I want to empty the kettle over myself.
I want to smash my head and my limbs.
Anything, anything to stop me feeling so shit.

Does the fact that I am mostly resisting these urges mean that I am in fact okay? Isthis what okay is supposed to feel like?

And the suicidal thoughts keep creeping in. Thoughts of ODing, running in front of a bus, jumping out of a window.
They come so suddenly.
What if I can't resist?

I do bedtimes, he doesn't.

I don't know what else. My coping mechanisms are vital atm.

We are going away for a week. v small (but lovely) chalet by the sea.
She comes to "help".

Sheactually complicates things quitea lot.

And I wouldlike to try having a week with dcs without her or their dad.

thank goodness for rescueremedy

I had one of my really strong jump-out-of-the-window urges

A week in a chalet with my mother...

Did your art therapist get back to you? Maybe she would know of some alternatives...

Do you camp at all? Might be a good way to get away with DCs, plus they might make some friends and leave you to have a bit of space at times.

I might look like that by the end of theweek.

Saw art therapist briefly today, she islovely, was good to talk a bit.
She toldmeabout visualisoing space aroundme. Thinks it might be worth trying to take tiny steps to get my mother to back off a bit.

Camping would be good. I worry a bit about doing food though. Catering is hard enough at home, is not my best subject atm.
And having to break up dc fights around cooking equipment....

Wish I could afford holiday with meals provided...or could afford to eat out,.

Campsite with a cafe/chippy nearby? Lots of baguettes with ham/cheese/butter and jam?

I try and take stuff I've already cooked and frozen, so that the first couple of nights I don't have to do much other than heat it up.

Visualising a space around you... can you give me some more info on how you do that/how it works please?

Some of us are going to try and do a mini-mn camp in August...

Not for a whole week though!

Maybe...dunno. Mine are awkward to feed. Oh, and I am vegan.

The mn camp sounds interesting!! I nearly posted but should use my other name really and it is faff changing.

Visualisation...she said to close your eyes, and imagine a circle or a bubble around you that nobody can enter without you wanting them to.
I haven't tried it yet.

Also, a friend of mine says green pyramids are good.

I find visualisation so hard! would like some space though...

vegan? hmm.. I am finding just dairy-free almost impossible tbh... getting very repetitive. (ds has eczema- df is helping, but weaning is on the horizon... eek)

Oh, dairy-free is easypeasy. Dairy stuff smells anyway.

mmmm but I miss butter, milk, quiche, ice cream, chocolate, yoghurt, and a million other things. It is really starting to get to me now.

If you avoid them for long enough you may find they become quite repulsive...

Oh, you must do camping. We all should. I'm game.Sitting in a field while DCs run wild.

You know- they don't need to be in a field to do that!

ABW just wondered how you are this morning?

How about an elastic band round your wrist that you ping as an alternative to actual SH - that can work?

Can you get your mum to maybe not come for the whole week (perhaps someone else can help you achieve this?)

and deffo try to cut down on cooking when in chalet or camping - you need a break? Aren't some of your DC old enough to "help" and chips and fruit and wheatfree pasta and tomato sauce won't hurt for a week?

Sorry, not very practical ideas but here's a ((((HUG))))

I have been in a similar place to you.

Got lots of help on here but wanted to just say, what do you know? It isn't as easy as that.

But you have to make that first call for help.

I worried my kids would be taken away but my husband promised me he wouldn't let that happen.

Hi ABW, how are you today?

I invite my Mum on holidays but only for a couple of days - seems to work better that way

an elastic band with nettles or razors?

There is nobody elsewho can negotiate with my mum. It has to be the whole week.

FabBakerGirl, I hope thingsare better for you now.

Today I am rocketing between crying and teeth-clenching stubborn frowns.
Having to try to fight the bulimia now isprobably thehardest thing I have ever attempted.

Dearheart - why oh why did I not see this last week?

SANELINE 0845 767 8000. helpline is available to anyone experiencing or concerned about a mental health issue - this includes people who have not got a diagnosis!

www.selfinjurysupport.org.uk/ support for self injury

www.selfinjurysupport.org.uk/helpline.htm helpline for women

Try and just deal with stuff an hour at a time.
xxxxx

support for self injury

helpline for women

ABW, just been reading back through your thread and I know you have been in touch with the Samaritans by email but it sounds like you really need to talk to someone in RL.

I see Molly has posted some contacts for you. Please contact them by phone, we are all very worried about you.

Please take good care of yourself.

Thanks Molly.
I did try thehelpline once but they just listen, and I am crap at talking, so I apologised and hung up.

If it wasn't for my responsibilities, I think a complete breakdown might do me good. Just to curl up and stop fighting and let it happen and get help.
But I just have to keep going. I am so tired.

Are you able to talk to your GP in the morning and get a referral to bring your Sept appointment forward? Do you find it easier to talk to someone face to face rather than on the phone?

I don't have any child-free time until September.

You have to find a way.

September is too far away.

Not sure how old your kids are but would it be possible to arrange some temporary childcare so you can have a GP appointment? In my area the local Sure Start Centre provides family support:

www.dcsf.gov.uk/everychildmatters/earlyyears/surestart/fundedsettings/childrenscentresmap/