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Original poster

I feel so so bad. Warning: graphic. Do not look if squeamish.

186 replies

ABitWrong · 17/07/2009 21:56

I am not doing very well atm and am struggling to contain self-destructive urges.
I want to cut my arms, my legs, my face, everything.
I want to empty the kettle over myself.
I want to smash my head and my limbs.
Anything, anything to stop me feeling so shit.

Does the fact that I am mostly resisting these urges mean that I am in fact okay? Isthis what okay is supposed to feel like?

And the suicidal thoughts keep creeping in. Thoughts of ODing, running in front of a bus, jumping out of a window.
They come so suddenly.
What if I can't resist?

OP posts:
HolyGuacamole · 20/07/2009 22:26

Don't be scared. You are doing the right thing, no need to underplay things and don't be feeling like a burden either.

You need to start somewhere and if you can be strong enough to come on here and have a chat and then get in contact with your art therapist, that is really a fantastic thing. The support is here and you just need to be brave and grab it when you feel you can, in your own time.

You don't need to go thru this alone.

Original poster
ABitWrong · 20/07/2009 22:47

Just worried it will get out of hand. I don't want people in RL to know. I don't want people to question whether i can care for the children.

OP posts:
ErikaMaye · 20/07/2009 23:16

You need to remind yourself that with the support you'll be receiving, you'll be a better parent. Having had social services on my back for months now as part of the pre-birth assessment, they're actually more pleased to see that people are willing to get help and get better than struggling along by themselves.

I know how scary it is letting people in RL know, but once they do, it becomes that bit easier to deal with on a daily basis, trust me.

daisy99divine · 20/07/2009 23:31

ABW just wanted to come on here and add a little more support

We chatted a bit about a year ago and you offered a ready hand of friendship and caring advice that I really appreciated

You have many many lovely qualities that shine through and all who know you or meet you in RL will appreciate those. As Erika says, it is scary letting people in RL know how you are feeling, but it is a first and vital step and you have done so well

Just sending a little loving vibe your way

Original poster
ABitWrong · 20/07/2009 23:34

Will the children's dad have to know? [fear]
Will they just deal with me or does it become a big thing?
I could just deny everything, say I am feeling fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
ABitWrong · 20/07/2009 23:36

That must be hard going Erika

Thanks Daisy

OP posts:
littlerach · 21/07/2009 08:39

How are you this morning?

ErikaMaye · 21/07/2009 08:53

From my experience, they've been very matter of fact about everything, really. I've been totally honest with them, and its has been the best decision I could have made. Sitting there and having to tell people that I have had various suicide attempts, that I've self harmed for years, that I hear voices... It was so bloody hard. But its been so good, not just for them, but for me.

Although my condition varies, and I'm the first to admit that on certain days its so much worse than on others, the fact that I have told them everything, including details about my worse days which I would have really preferred to keep to myself, has worked entirely in my favour.

Getting help, involving professionals - its difficult. Admitting to yourself that you're struggling and that you need help is even more difficult!!! But the fact you obviously care so much about how its affecting your children shows what a good person you are. Do not be too hard on yourself for struggling at the moment. I really hope you can get some support. Until then, we're all here.

I don't use the CAT service on here, but if you'd like to talk to me more please know that if you want to message me your email address I'm online most of the day

I hope that today is a good day for you. x

Original poster
ABitWrong · 21/07/2009 09:58

Not very good today.

Thank you for telling me all that ErikaMaye.
I don't use the CAT thing either but thanks anyway.

OP posts:
ErikaMaye · 21/07/2009 11:30

Is anything in particular getting you down today?

Original poster
ABitWrong · 21/07/2009 14:22

Just can't see a way forward. And stressful times ahead. If I think about it I can't breathe.

OP posts:
MiniMarmite · 21/07/2009 14:32

Hi ABitWrong

Just seen your post and not sure if others around that were previously on thread. Not been able to read all of thread but just wanted to bump your post as I have to go in a couple of minutes (sorry).

Will be thinking of you.

ErikaMaye · 21/07/2009 14:54

Try making a list of the positives you have in your life? Do you have any rescue remedy? It really helps me when I'm feeling too panicky.

Original poster
ABitWrong · 21/07/2009 17:02

Rescueremedy, yes, thanks. I keep forgetting that I have it despite carrying it with me

OP posts:
ErikaMaye · 21/07/2009 17:19

giggles Yes, me too! Carrying a paper bag with me in case I had a panic attack used to help me stay calm too.

MiniMarmite · 21/07/2009 18:28

Hi, sorry I had to go earlier.

Original poster
ABitWrong · 22/07/2009 18:03

this is all that is keeping me going today

OP posts:
ErikaMaye · 22/07/2009 19:08

Sorry you're having a rough time, is there anything in particular you would like to talk about?

I don't usually hand out my email address, but if you'd like it so you can talk more, please let me know and I'm willing to post it up here for you.

EachPeachPearMum · 22/07/2009 19:15

Hi abw... sorry, haven't been here much- we are in teething hell atm

Will be around this evening for a little while hopefully though.

littlerach · 22/07/2009 20:17

{{hugs}} ABW.

Have you used the Rescue remeedy?

Good song, by the way.

Keep talking if you can.

Original poster
ABitWrong · 22/07/2009 21:06

No I forgot the rescue remedy.

Sorry about the teething EachPeach, i remember it well.

Thank you Erika. I don't know what to do.
I don't know how to do next week. Or this week. Or anything. Ever. At all.

Too knackered, just want to curl up.

OP posts:
EachPeachPearMum · 22/07/2009 21:19

Next week doesn't matter... yet

A day at a time is what matters.

Have the DC finished for summer yet?

Original poster
ABitWrong · 22/07/2009 21:23

Next week does matter. It is fucking enormous. Will be with my mother and have to manage without starving, throwing up, cutting, crying or looking miserable.
Sorry if tmi.

OP posts:
Original poster
ABitWrong · 22/07/2009 21:36

perhapsI am just not a fit parent

I still have my younger two rolling about and pulling out each other's hair and play fighting and real fighting and I can't deal with it, i just want them to leave me alone

OP posts:
EachPeachPearMum · 22/07/2009 22:03

Does (x)P not help with the children?

Can you develop a different coping/release mechanism other than SHing? Something that would go unnoticed by your mother? (no idea what btw... just wondering if that would help)
Are you going to her house, or is she coming to yours?

I have no advice on the mother front, as the thought of spending a minute week with mine would send me into the pits of despair.