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Original poster

I feel so so bad. Warning: graphic. Do not look if squeamish.

186 replies

ABitWrong · 17/07/2009 21:56

I am not doing very well atm and am struggling to contain self-destructive urges.
I want to cut my arms, my legs, my face, everything.
I want to empty the kettle over myself.
I want to smash my head and my limbs.
Anything, anything to stop me feeling so shit.

Does the fact that I am mostly resisting these urges mean that I am in fact okay? Isthis what okay is supposed to feel like?

And the suicidal thoughts keep creeping in. Thoughts of ODing, running in front of a bus, jumping out of a window.
They come so suddenly.
What if I can't resist?

OP posts:
Original poster
ABitWrong · 19/07/2009 23:14

thanks Pink

OP posts:
EachPeachPearMum · 19/07/2009 23:25

y to band!
It's actually quite easy to drive past....

RumourOfAHurricane · 19/07/2009 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
ABitWrong · 19/07/2009 23:29

Well, I was on a motorway.

I went to supposedly look at the university once but went to find snooker club belonging to band member instead. Met 3 of them but not the one I was in love with. Sigh.
Then would have missed last train home if someone hadn't jumped in front of it and delayed it by some hours.
See, suicide can be useful.

OP posts:
Original poster
ABitWrong · 19/07/2009 23:31

Sorry, that was a bloody awful thing to say.

I am not great Shineon, but still here.

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pombear · 19/07/2009 23:40

ABW - I know I posted earlier in your thread, but I want to add something else. Hope you don't mind, and am sure it probably won't help.

But, please give yourself credit for getting up in the morning and getting through the day, each day.

Lots of us aren't doing fantastic stuff.

Lots of us don't have a happy smiley life.

But when it's bad, the biggest thing you need to do for yourself is pat yourself on the back and remind yourself that you got up, you saw the the children, you got through the day.

Circles in head are very common.

If you implode, it is OK. As long as you're still here. It doesn't mean the end of things. Just a new chapter in life. Lots of levels of imploding. I'm sure many people on here would testify to imploding in diferent ways. Sometimes imploding gives you new route to difficult, uneasy, but ultimately better path.

At least on Mumsnet you can voice those fears, walk through them, and walk on.

(Fear of being flamed, judged, dissed...but here's a 'x'!)

EachPeachPearMum · 19/07/2009 23:40

I think you can say stiff like that amongst friends.
I make far worse jokes in the privacy of my own home I'm sure people would be appalled by some of the things I laugh at, but I have a v odd sense of humour, and I never do it where I might offend someone.

EachPeachPearMum · 19/07/2009 23:41

Oh pmsl- what a freudian slip! stuff obviously... typing in the dark here!

Original poster
ABitWrong · 19/07/2009 23:48

Thank you Pombear.
Is it really okay to implode? It feels so bad.
And no matter what happens, I still have all the same problems. They won't change or go away.

EachPeach, I am typing in the dark too.

I don't know if I can sleep tonight.

OP posts:
pombear · 19/07/2009 23:56

Is OK. As long as you're still around, the world doesn't end. You implode, things get dark, light comes back again in the end. It hurts, you may not feel the same as you used to, but you're still here.

Again, the fact that you are here, typing (in the dark), is a big thing.

Small steps mean 'big things' when stuff is difficult.

Problems don't go away, i know. But your ability to deal with them changes day to day. Don't be too hard on yourself. Like I said, on bad days, reward yourself with the knowledge that you still got up. It's a small step, but I still reward myself with that sometimes, even though darkest days are behind me. Others might see it as failure, but I see it as surviving. It is a good thing.

pombear · 20/07/2009 00:00

Here I go again...extra post for stuff I left out. Put on talk radio, have it on in the background when you go to sleep. Listen to others who are lost, lonely, can't sleep. Makes you feel less alone, and you hear other problems that are making lots of other people in this world not sleep either.

Doesn't work for everyone! But used to remind me that at least I wasn't the only one up in the middle of the night.

Original poster
ABitWrong · 20/07/2009 00:08

thanks pombear

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Original poster
ABitWrong · 20/07/2009 00:23

but then despite everything, I get so scared of dying, it seems so lonely

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pombear · 20/07/2009 00:27

And ABW, don't be hard on yourself if you don't sleep. Take it easy, and have easy days with kids when you're tired. Remember they don't know what's going on with you.

My single little one came through the crap with me, sometimes saw me at my lowest, which I wish hadn't been the case, but is now, at 8, a fantastic, chilled-out, sorted child. Who also understands adults don't always act in the most rational way!

She may bill me for the therapy when she's 25, but at the moment, we got through it.

Apologies for the raft of messages, but your situation has really rung a bell, and I just wanted to pass on to you the fact that many people are with you, have been there, and know how painful it is. Self-destruct button you may have to live with for the rest of your life...it's just learning the detailed manual of how to ignore it that's hard, but you will.

Original poster
ABitWrong · 20/07/2009 07:22

Thnkyou pombear, I really appreciate it.

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littlerach · 20/07/2009 08:38

ABW, I am so soryy yu are feeling htis bad.

Can I help you with practical stuff over the summer, like (d)P and stuff?
And i can hug you {{{}}} (and in RL).

hav eot work today from home and this evening but will text you once i find phone.

I am here though.

HolyGuacamole · 20/07/2009 09:38

Hey ABW Good to see you hanging in there and talking. Loads of magic advice. Something I especially agree with is that the problems sometimes stay for a while but you can slowly begin to deal with them in a way that makes you feel better.

There maybe isn't a single 'one size fits all' formula that works for every person but you will find the one that works for you.

Sending you loads of positive thoughts ABW.

EachPeachPearMum · 20/07/2009 11:42

Just saying good morning....
look, see... more friends

Original poster
ABitWrong · 20/07/2009 14:29

Thank you everybody. You are all so kind.

I keep having to do bits of coping and I think maybe I am okay, but I'm not. It keeps coming back

OP posts:
Original poster
ABitWrong · 20/07/2009 20:49

I have just left a message for the art therapist, who said I could contact her if I needed to, saying that I have been feeling suicidal.
Was this a very stupid thing to do?

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TigerFeet · 20/07/2009 20:57

Not stupid at all.

You need to speak to someone in RL who can do something concrete to help.

I hope she gets back to you and can be of help

Original poster
ABitWrong · 20/07/2009 21:18

Really worried it will complicate things. Think I should have kept my mouth shut.

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ErikaMaye · 20/07/2009 21:29

Hopefully she's return your call soon and will be of some help to you. If she can't, I hope she can pass onto you the details of someone who can.

Stay strong, keep fighting. You're doing brilliantly.

EachPeachPearMum · 20/07/2009 21:34

You were right to contact her.
She will know what to do.

Original poster
ABitWrong · 20/07/2009 21:45

Scared now.

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