Have posted about my dh's depression before (under this name, but am name changer). This week has been really bad.
He's on Citalopram 40mg and this week he lost his tablets. He's terrified about the doctor finding out how incompetent he is so won't ask for another prescription and is instead taking pills from a spare packet of my old ADs (Citalpram 20mg). I've pointed out that this might mean he's getting different doses and might not work as well, but he keeps doing it.
This week he has been in a terrible state. Got really angry with me one night for nothing. I told him I couldn't cope with his behaviour anymore. Since then he's been so nervy and anxious.
I'll finally get to the point. I found a list on the computer, I know I shouldn't have read it, but I needed to know what was going on in his head. I wonder if he wrote it there for me to find it. It starts with "Do not read this if you are not me".
It's a list of all his anxieties over various dates. How worthless he feels, how terrible he is etc.
There's an entry from earlier this week that is really scary. Lists all about how awful he has been to me, how I'm going to leave him, how he is starting to believe that he really is a bad person. Then there's this really long bit about how he is planning to cut off his toe on Friday night! It plans what he'll need (a knife, hammer, bandages, something to bite on so he won't scream etc) how he'll do it, what he'll say to work (dropped a knife) - no mention of what he'll say to me. It says that this is the only solution. To put all his "badness" into his toe and then get rid of it. He says he can't tell anybody why he's really doing it because they'll think he's crazy, and he's not (?).
what should I do?
He hasn't had any counselling for a while because the woman he was seeing has retired and he's waiting to be reassigned (nothing since beginning of June).
Should I get the authorities involved? Should I tell him I know?
I am so angry with him for how he has treated me, I know he cannot see how doing this would hurt anyone but himself, which makes me even more angry. This is not the man I married, I know he's ill, but he is completely the opposite to how he used to be. He has hurt me so much in the last couple of months - blamed me for everything, humiliated me in front of friends, scared me, etc.
Please help.
I'm going to go for a walk now, to clear my head. Will check in on this later.
TIA