DH planning on doing something terrible this weekend. Help! Please!

[NeedyW]

Have posted about my dh's depression before (under this name, but am name changer). This week has been really bad.

He's on Citalopram 40mg and this week he lost his tablets. He's terrified about the doctor finding out how incompetent he is so won't ask for another prescription and is instead taking pills from a spare packet of my old ADs (Citalpram 20mg). I've pointed out that this might mean he's getting different doses and might not work as well, but he keeps doing it.

This week he has been in a terrible state. Got really angry with me one night for nothing. I told him I couldn't cope with his behaviour anymore. Since then he's been so nervy and anxious.

I'll finally get to the point. I found a list on the computer, I know I shouldn't have read it, but I needed to know what was going on in his head. I wonder if he wrote it there for me to find it. It starts with "Do not read this if you are not me".

It's a list of all his anxieties over various dates. How worthless he feels, how terrible he is etc.

There's an entry from earlier this week that is really scary. Lists all about how awful he has been to me, how I'm going to leave him, how he is starting to believe that he really is a bad person. Then there's this really long bit about how he is planning to cut off his toe on Friday night! It plans what he'll need (a knife, hammer, bandages, something to bite on so he won't scream etc) how he'll do it, what he'll say to work (dropped a knife) - no mention of what he'll say to me. It says that this is the only solution. To put all his "badness" into his toe and then get rid of it. He says he can't tell anybody why he's really doing it because they'll think he's crazy, and he's not (?).

what should I do?

He hasn't had any counselling for a while because the woman he was seeing has retired and he's waiting to be reassigned (nothing since beginning of June).

Should I get the authorities involved? Should I tell him I know?

I am so angry with him for how he has treated me, I know he cannot see how doing this would hurt anyone but himself, which makes me even more angry. This is not the man I married, I know he's ill, but he is completely the opposite to how he used to be. He has hurt me so much in the last couple of months - blamed me for everything, humiliated me in front of friends, scared me, etc.

Please help.

I'm going to go for a walk now, to clear my head. Will check in on this later.

TIA

You are all rather too lovely for me thank you to everyone who has replied.

Still feel like I am stuck in the middle of a surreal, upside down world.

We had a lovely day today doing family things. Scary to think how easily I could now be posting "DH has been sectioned for self-mutilation. What should I do?". But there's no point in dwelling on the what-could-have-beens. Just need to keep moving forwards, I think if I stop, even for a moment, then the whole thing will just grind to a halt.

Thank you again. You have all made a difference. x

needy, i think you have made the crucial difference to your DH here. You listened to his cry for help and now thank god, he looks like he is going to accept it. I suspect you have a rocky road ahead of you but your actions this weekend scream of love and strength so take heart in that. It is tough for the partner of someone suffering from mental illness of anykind. It is more than OK to ask for help for you too - once he has some professionals on board they may well be able to help you get some support too. After all, you are going to be his first carer as it were, you NEED support. Best wishes to you both.

NeedyW - so glad it turned out ok in terms of the Gp appointment. Your DH is a lucky guy having you support him like this. You do need to find ways to relax and stop now and again though. The world will not grind to a halt if you take the odd half hour out just for you.
WHile you navigate through this tricky time, do find "buffer" zones just for you - even if it is just a long soak in the tub for half an hour or a coffee with a mate while your mum babysits.
Take care and thinking of you xx

how are thngs today needyw?

Still exhausted but things are improving I think.

dh seems to be behaving as though nothing has happened; which although I'm finding it hard to deal with, is probably a sign that he's evening out again. We had a nice take-away and watched a dvd last night, all nice and relaxed.

I'm more worried about the state of the house at the moment. I think I've let everything get on top of me. It's probably good to have something mundane to keep my mind off things.

I do find myself resenting him for not being able to see how much damage his self-hatred does. But that's not very constuctive.

We're all still here and still whole.

im glad things are feeling better. do you tell him how much he is destroying the family? or do you find it better not to say anything but just to keep reassuring him that he is a worthwile person?

I was previously going down the road of "you're wonderful, we all love you, you are worthwhile" but I have to say that this weekend I have been more blunt about everything.
I don't know if I am doing more harm than good (the reassurances clearly weren't working), but I did have a bit of a go at him yesterday. I told him that had he gone through with cutting off his toe he would now be sectioned and I dont know if I could ever forgive him.
I asked him how he would feel if I did something like that to myself, he said he'd feel terrible and guilty and hurt. Which at least shows he is trying to put himself in my shoes.

I don't know what the right thing is anymore. Last night he told me that one thing I cold do to help is to stop making him feel so guilty all the time. I asked how I could do this and he said that when I get upset he feels bad. I stayed as calm as I could (even though I was very upset) and explained that he could not ask me not to be upset by his actions or words. He could not ask me to bottle everything up and hide my feelings and fears from him, while he was offloading all of his onto me.

He did acknowledge that the request he had made was unreasonable.

I want to point out that I am not by nature someone who spends a lot of time crying or needing emotional support. But I can't possibly hold everything in all the time. Not at the moment. Not when there is so much.

Am I being unfair. Please be honest. I'm not feeling hugely objective at the moment

you are not being unfair.... what is fair? the whole depression 'thing' is so bloody unfair. i am going through the same with my dh (although he hasnt tried/planned to harm himself). i like you, am on an emotional rollercoater. i am trying to live my (and his) life day by day... which is what you need to do, just take each day according to him and his state of mood that day. i think i understand what he means about making him feel guilty.. i try not to do this as i think depression is one big guilt trip. whilst you need to make him aware of how you are feeling, you need to try and come as not nagging, easier said than done... I know!! i like you am constantly trying to be reassured that everything will be ok in the end.. you are in my thoughts.

Thanks laughlots. The problem is that he sees me sitting alone in the bathroom crying as "making him feel guilty". More so than when I actually say anything. He wants me to express no emotions at all and be happy all the time, for his sake.

Which sadly, is exactly what I was doing a couple of months ago until he did something nasty and cruel to me, and I can't bring myself to even pretend to be ok anymore. He knows that my positivity is gone because of something he did, but of course being a depressive means he would rather beat himself up about it than fix it.

Am getting more and more concerned that he is making me depressed.

At the moment I cannot imagine a time beyond his illness.

Needy is there any way you can get any support? Someone to talk to about how you feel so you can express/let go of some of your feelings? I don't know if any of the telephone counseling services are for those affected by depression as opposed to those who are actually depressed, but it might be worth pursuing. Or possibly asking the GP if you could have some counseling (I know it can be difficult to access). It's really important to look after yourself in these circumstances as it's very stressful.

let me know how things are tomorrow

how are you needyw?

needy as I've said, I have no experience in this but just to put your DP's recent comments in perspective, I have experienced the "don't make me feel guilty for the bad thing I've done" trip from quite a few people (usually men) who are perfectly mentally healthy.

I know that sounds really trivial compared to your experience but I find it's quite a commonly expressed feeling and one that really does not deserve any consideration in these kind of circs. As you say, you are entitled to your own feelings and you are doing your best with them and trying to manage them for his sake. That's more than enough imho.

I know his words are in part a reflection of his illness but they are also I think a not uncommon way of thinking and of refusing to take responsibility.

I don't suggest you tackle that issue now but I don't think you spend any time worrying about that aspect of the problem.

Hope you are keeping your chin up.

Thanks everyone. Actually M&J, that is helpful. Although I do believe this is a part of his illness, I do need to bare in mind that he will not be like this forever and I don't want any bad habits following him into normality IYSWIM.

Nooka I will look into that, I've also managed to talk to my mother this week, which was actually very helpful. She was completely unjudgemental of DH, and offered support to me. So that has made me feel stronger.

I still feel very stressed and as though I can't really access my feelings without blowing my head off. But DH is really trying. He's sorted out some positive thinking exercises to help him see the things he does do well, rather than just the mistakes. It seems to be helping at the moment.

He is desperately sorry for what he's put me through. Which is also a good sign insofar as he is seeing beyond his own issues. although it doesn't take a genius to see that I am a shadow of the person I was a couple of months ago.

He wants to make it up to me and the house is full of flowers and chocolates. Which is lovely but it's not "real". I have no idea what I mean by that. He asks me what I want, what would make it all better, and I have no answers. Continual support would be nice. But he can't give that except in occasional bursts. And if I do tell him how I am really feeling it is often either used against me, or an excuse for him to feel sadder. So I don't anymore.

There is this enormous chasm between us and I don't know how to bridge it.

All suggestions welcome

needy, I'm glad that made a small amount of sense. I was afraid it might be a bit trite in your circs.

I imagine you are trying to have ordinary times together and it must be difficult to get into that groove in the knowledge of what he's had in mind and given how hard you are having to strive for an appearance normality.

I have no advice, not having been through anything similar, but much sympathy.

The problem is that he sees me sitting alone in the bathroom crying as "making him feel guilty". More so than when I actually say anything. He wants me to express no emotions at all and be happy all the time, for his sake.

Blimey Needy that could have been me writing that

I am sorry you are having such a tough time at the moment, you have been so strong and sound like you will keep being strong (out of need more than want I expect)
Will keep checking in to see how you are. xx

HOW ARE YOU NEEDYW. IS EVERYTHING OK?

Needy, I think you should be able to access some carer support through your husbands mental health team. They should give you someone to talk to and advise you in how to manage your feelings aswell as your huisbands.
I know my MIL was a bit [hmmm] about doing this (BIL is bipolar) as she is a GP and knows lots about the subject but she found that the time to sit down and talk to someone who knows all about living like you are now was really worthwhile and that she was normal in feeling the way she was.
If you ring the main reception at the place your husband gets his care from they should be able to sort this out. Or speak to his CPN.

Thanks everyone. I'm actually ok.

In the last week DH is like a different man. I wonder if it is the ADs finally kicking in, but he is so much better. Much more like his old self. He's actively doing lots of positive thinking exercises. And although he is still anxious about things he is acting upon those anxieties and sorting things out, rather than crumbling beneath them.

I'm really proud of him

It's still difficult but he's put so much effort into making me feel closer to him.

I know this isn't the end of it. I know there will still be rough times ahead - and that they may be as soon as tomorrow - but for now, at this moment in time, I really am ok.

brilliant... im so pleased for you both.

Ok, it's been a while since I last posted. I don't know if anyone is out there, but I need some help.

DH has been a nightmare for the last couple of months. He's still on ADs and seemed to be coping much better.

A few months ago I changed careers, this meant a lot more time at work and general pressure on me. DH was very supportive of the decision at first, helped more with the kids, was there for me. It was all fine.

Then a couple of weeks in he had a huge falling out with his mother, which I supported him through (she was being a cow) and with the help of his dad it all got sorted. When it was going on I gave him my full support and absolutely stretched myself to my limits between him and the kids and work. But it's what you do isn't it?

Anyway, one weekend I woke up on a Saturday feeling really low, I had a big meeting on Monday and was stressed about it. I told him I was feeling sad. Big mistake. He went off on one, told me I had no right to tell him I was feeling sad becasue that made him feel like crap and so on and on.

All I wanted was a bit of support.

He stopped helping with the kids, did the bare minimum and was pretty much incommunicado for a week.

Since then he has apologised, promised it won't happen again and that he'll be there for me, only to run straight out the door whenever I ask for emotional support.

This has been going on for 2 months now. And at the moment I feel nothing but loathing for him. He avoids doing anything that needs doing - particularly if I've asked him to do it. He tells me he's tried everything to communicate with me but all his conversations are about his problems (which I have pointed out and he can't see) and not mine.

It's not just work either, I've been going through some difficult medical things too - all of which he says he wants to be involved with but funnily enough is never available when needed.

He says he's all better and might come off the ADs, I talked him out of it.

I hate him. I really do. I don't even know if I love him anymore. He is so pathetic. I find him utterly unattractive. He is not the man I married. He is nothing but a burden.

Yup, I'm a cow.

Please help me find some perspective. I can't see any way out.

I can't forgive him while he is still treating me like crap. I can't.

Needy, would it help to contact Saneline? They are open from 6pm to 11pm for anyone affected by mental healthy - including relatives and carers of people

info here

It would be at least a place for you to sound off when these things happen.

I can't imagine how hard it must be for you working, caring for your children and having to support your DH, and seemingly, having nowhere to turn for emotional support yourself
Take care.

oh needy sorry you are still going through this.

It looks like you have reached the end of your tether with it all, and not at all surprising.

I think you should make an appointment to see your GP on your own and explain everything to him/her. They will be aware of the situation with regard to your husband, and can hopefully give you some good advice on where to go from here.

Sorry i cannot be more helpful, but certainly feel for you.

I went through similar to you. Dh was admitted to hospital in the end. It was a huge relief to us both.

You are not being a cow. The stress of having to deal with a loved one's depression is overwhelming, especially with the stigma attached to MH issues. I felt I couldn't tell people about it, I couldn't upset him and therefore there was no where else for teh frustration to go to other than internally.

I hated the crap he was puttng me through, the stress, his selfish navel gazing behaviour. I remember shouting at him down a street in the middle of Leeds... IT IS NOT ALL ABOUT YOU. Everybody was staring at me as if I needed the section.

It is hard and there is next to no support for the spouses/ partners/family of people with MH issues. The good news is that depression can be managed, people do recover ( my dh has not had an episode for 9 years now) and you will survive.

The hardest lesson I learnt was that I needed to be selfish. If he does self harm while you are out doing something for you than get him sectioned and remember it is not your fault.

Good luck and loads of love xxxx

Thank you, both of you.

I'm just so sick of getting nothing back. Oh, he tells me I'm getting plenty. He says he's there for me and he says he does so much. But it's all just words and lies and false promises.

I will look into Saneline and doctor, but I want it fixed now. I want a quick fix. I want to be able to look at that man and not feel repulsed.

What kind of feminist am I? I just want him to act like a bloke and not a little girl.

Argh!