DH planning on doing something terrible this weekend. Help! Please!

[NeedyW]

Have posted about my dh's depression before (under this name, but am name changer). This week has been really bad.

He's on Citalopram 40mg and this week he lost his tablets. He's terrified about the doctor finding out how incompetent he is so won't ask for another prescription and is instead taking pills from a spare packet of my old ADs (Citalpram 20mg). I've pointed out that this might mean he's getting different doses and might not work as well, but he keeps doing it.

This week he has been in a terrible state. Got really angry with me one night for nothing. I told him I couldn't cope with his behaviour anymore. Since then he's been so nervy and anxious.

I'll finally get to the point. I found a list on the computer, I know I shouldn't have read it, but I needed to know what was going on in his head. I wonder if he wrote it there for me to find it. It starts with "Do not read this if you are not me".

It's a list of all his anxieties over various dates. How worthless he feels, how terrible he is etc.

There's an entry from earlier this week that is really scary. Lists all about how awful he has been to me, how I'm going to leave him, how he is starting to believe that he really is a bad person. Then there's this really long bit about how he is planning to cut off his toe on Friday night! It plans what he'll need (a knife, hammer, bandages, something to bite on so he won't scream etc) how he'll do it, what he'll say to work (dropped a knife) - no mention of what he'll say to me. It says that this is the only solution. To put all his "badness" into his toe and then get rid of it. He says he can't tell anybody why he's really doing it because they'll think he's crazy, and he's not (?).

what should I do?

He hasn't had any counselling for a while because the woman he was seeing has retired and he's waiting to be reassigned (nothing since beginning of June).

Should I get the authorities involved? Should I tell him I know?

I am so angry with him for how he has treated me, I know he cannot see how doing this would hurt anyone but himself, which makes me even more angry. This is not the man I married, I know he's ill, but he is completely the opposite to how he used to be. He has hurt me so much in the last couple of months - blamed me for everything, humiliated me in front of friends, scared me, etc.

Please help.

I'm going to go for a walk now, to clear my head. Will check in on this later.

TIA

You have had lots of excellent advice on here.

It's had dealing with a dp who is mentally ill, indeed statistically that makes you very vulnerable yourself to depression. So ensure that you only take on what you can cope with and get help, maybe from a charity like mind, for yourself as well.

People can and do get better. My dh has a cyclical form of depression but repeat bouts have not been as suicidally bad. We also have an agreement that as soon as I spot the warnong signs (usually early on) he has to go to gp, this has worked well so far and enabled him to remain employed.

Good luck. Thinking of you both X

Thank you everyone.

DH was not angry at all, just cried. He said he was so sure it was the right thing to do but he knew it was daft.

The GP was really nice, she didn't ridicule him but did ask him to justify it rationally (which he couldn't) and then explained all the medical problems that this could cause. They have upped his medication, but obviously that won't kick in for weeks. DH has an appointment for monday. We discussed talking to Crisis about it, but agreed that as long as dh promised to share any "ideas" of his this weekend that we would keep it to his current mental health professional (who will be seeing him next week too). He admitted that he has suicidal thoughts but said he would never do it (mostly for religious reasons ).

I do think this is the right way forwards, but GP also gave me the Crisis number to call if I have any worries at all. I hope I'm not being naive not wanting more intervention now, but GP agreed that as long as dh felt able to get through this weekend without doing anything to himself then it was the right decision.

DH is glad I have stopped him, he still wants to do it, but can now rationalise that it won't actually help. And now other people know he wouldn't be able to pretend it was an accident.

I could sleep for a week. I was sat in the doctors thinking "I am discussing the relative merits of cutting off your toe to cure depression; my life is officially surreal."

Oh well done to both of you for acting swiftly. It was deffo the right thing to do.

Hope you have a restful weekend x

Needy - just read through this thread from the start and wanted to wish you and your dh well.
What a lot of great help you've had here and also from someone who sounds like an excellent GP.

She really was very good - thank God.

Mnet has been a lifesaver (or a toe-saver) today. This just all seems so ridiculous that I feel I really could collapse in hysterical giggles if it wasn't actually happening to me.

I've still got all the sharp implements and the hammer and firstaid kit hidden. I know they can't be put away forever, but if it's just until Monday, I think it's for the best.

DH has gone for a lie down. I think we are both shattered by it all.

Well done for being so strong, and hope you both get some rest through the weekend.
Depression is truly awful, and it's so hard to understand the thought process someone goes through when it's not happening to you. Keep strong

Needy, i am so glad that things went well with the gp.
I hope you have a peaceful weekend

So glad it went ok. You've done brilliantly. Best wishes.

Well done, I hope this is a turning point for you both.

Well done. You have been an amazing wife.

great news needy, you have been terrific, well done you

Is it bad that I don't feel terrific?

I feel tired and lost and alone.

I feel so hurt that he would want to leave us and the only thing stopping him is a fear of hell - rather than a fear of ruining our lives.

I feel like my life has been turned upside down in the last 24 hours.

Can I repeat the bit about feeling alone?

My lovely friend is being lovely, but she lives abroad. I would love to get away this weekend to try to get my head around it all, but until DH has his meetings next week I can't possibly leave him alone.

I'm feeling so lost and unsure. I have done the important thing; got dh help, but now what?

I want to scream "WHAT ABOUT ME?" but there's no point. There's no one to hear it. It'll just make dh more sad and more guilty and more likely to mutilate himself.

Feel like a 2 year old who wants something but is completely incapable of articulating the need so just has a tantrum instead. Except I can't tantrum

He won't be thinking about the effect of his possible actions on you right now, so there's no point feeling hurt.
You could try talking to him about how you feel - it might just make him see a little bit of sense. I know it did for me when I was feeling very bad and spoke to my mum. It was shortly after we had lost my sister, and my mum said that there was no way she could cope with losing both daughters. It did make me realise how my actions affect others.
Sending positive thoughts your way xx

Thanks Wot

I know he is completely oblivious to how his actions affect me. It's not personal, it's not thought out, it's not rational, it just is.

It's just that yesterday I had a husband who was depressed and occasionally had bad mood swings, but was overall improving...

And today I have a husband who thinks that cutting off his toe is a rational solution to his problems and who has suicidal thoughts.

I know nothing has changed for DH in that time - he knew he was having these thoughts - but a lot has for me IYSWIM

I need to shake this off don't I? I'm being utterly selfish - he's the one who is ill - but I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach and I can't quite breath properly.

the way you have behaved for your husband today is the exact opposite of selfish. You may have along road ahead and that may well feel overwhelming at the mo.

Needy well done. I'm so glad the doctor was nice and DH was made to see sense.

He doesn't want to leave you or hurt you - if he feels suicidal it's just that he desperately wants a solution to his pain and feelings of worthlessness. But there are other solutions, which work, and there is another way out - and unlike some people with depression, he is open to diagnosis and treatment which is more than half the battle, honestly.

I know how infuriating it is that he will turn any complaints from you around and make them all about him ie "Oh I'm such a dreadful person, I've hurt you, me me me." It is miserable for you. But that's why you need to do things for yourself that don't involve him. Could you ask your friend to come and visit you? On a smaller scale, just do nice things for yourself. Have a bubble bath, have a glass of wine, arrange lunch out while he's at work. You need to be selfish - in the sense of looking after yourself - in order to cope. Don't forget that in normal life when things are OK, we're all selfish and do nice things for ourselves and need support and so on. The demands of a depressed person skew that and take a lot of what you need away from you - you have to claw it back.

You handled it all really well - reward yourself.

'I feel so hurt that he would want to leave us and the only thing stopping him is a fear of hell - rather than a fear of ruining our lives'

According to dh, its very likely he believes that by leaving you he would be doing you a favour. Depressives often think their very presence is life-riuining for others, they dont see them selves as loveable so thats out of the equation to

Hey, just came across this thread and wanted to add my support and well-wishes. My mum has suffered from depression since I was a child and know exactly what you mean about wanting to shout 'what about me?' Thing is, as others have said, it isn't selfish - depression has a way of absorbing everything else, and it's definitely important that you take some time for you. That isn't selfish - it's physically and mentally healthy, and very necessary. x

NeedyW, I have no advice or experience but just wanted to post to say that you are certainly not being selfish. You are showing tremendous stoicism and self-restraint when you must be desperately unhappy and worried.

I'm sure you could do with some looking after but you are doing an incredible job of being the adult here and trying to get some help for your DH.

I hope MN can give you a little of the support you deserve.

Moopy is right, you are in no way acting in a selfish manner. You sound like a very supportive and caring partner.

Will definitely try to be more selfihs

DH is trying his best. He went out and bought me some truffles and a card to say thank you. It was really sweet and thoughtful. I wish I could be more grateful. At least he seems to have no more need to cut anything off.

I am really struggling. Once the children are off from school we are going to stay with my parents for a bit (without dh, because he's working). Part of me cannot wait to have the break, the other part is terrified of what I might have to face when I get back.

Hopefully DH will have a proper support network by then.

None of this makes any sense - and I know that's just the case with this sort of illnes, but it doesn't help. I'm the kind of person who has to rationalise everything, but this is not a rational situation so that is not an option.

He definitely thinks I would be better off if he wasn't here

I just don't know if I can trust him with himself anymore IYSWIM. Last week he hurt his wrist at work; now I keep asking him whether it was self-inflicted. He denies it, but how can I be sure of anything?

Can't even spell "selfish"!

I'm glad that you are taking some time for yourself and the children. It sounds like your DH will have some good support around him while you are away. Make a contract with him not to plan anything daft while you are gone.

I wish that I could say something more helpful. Snowleopard's advice seems spot on though -- about managing your DH by setting simple boundaries that respect the limits of what you can cope with.

Needy, I just wanted to say hi and that I admire the way you handled an awful situation. I saw your thread on Friday and have been thinking about you all weekend. Just had the chance to check how you are before the rest of the house is up, and I'm so pleased that it went as well as it could with the GP.

Of course you feel rubbish now, it's a grim situation, and you were surviving on adrenalin until you saw the GP. I truly feel for you, and hope that you can find ways of looking after yourself, as others have suggested. X