DH planning on doing something terrible this weekend. Help! Please!

[NeedyW]

Have posted about my dh's depression before (under this name, but am name changer). This week has been really bad.

He's on Citalopram 40mg and this week he lost his tablets. He's terrified about the doctor finding out how incompetent he is so won't ask for another prescription and is instead taking pills from a spare packet of my old ADs (Citalpram 20mg). I've pointed out that this might mean he's getting different doses and might not work as well, but he keeps doing it.

This week he has been in a terrible state. Got really angry with me one night for nothing. I told him I couldn't cope with his behaviour anymore. Since then he's been so nervy and anxious.

I'll finally get to the point. I found a list on the computer, I know I shouldn't have read it, but I needed to know what was going on in his head. I wonder if he wrote it there for me to find it. It starts with "Do not read this if you are not me".

It's a list of all his anxieties over various dates. How worthless he feels, how terrible he is etc.

There's an entry from earlier this week that is really scary. Lists all about how awful he has been to me, how I'm going to leave him, how he is starting to believe that he really is a bad person. Then there's this really long bit about how he is planning to cut off his toe on Friday night! It plans what he'll need (a knife, hammer, bandages, something to bite on so he won't scream etc) how he'll do it, what he'll say to work (dropped a knife) - no mention of what he'll say to me. It says that this is the only solution. To put all his "badness" into his toe and then get rid of it. He says he can't tell anybody why he's really doing it because they'll think he's crazy, and he's not (?).

what should I do?

He hasn't had any counselling for a while because the woman he was seeing has retired and he's waiting to be reassigned (nothing since beginning of June).

Should I get the authorities involved? Should I tell him I know?

I am so angry with him for how he has treated me, I know he cannot see how doing this would hurt anyone but himself, which makes me even more angry. This is not the man I married, I know he's ill, but he is completely the opposite to how he used to be. He has hurt me so much in the last couple of months - blamed me for everything, humiliated me in front of friends, scared me, etc.

Please help.

I'm going to go for a walk now, to clear my head. Will check in on this later.

TIA

That is what happens. A depressed person will blame those close to them and literally will not be able to see beyond their own overwhelming feelings. BUT that does not mean you can't insist on being treated with respect. In some ways it helps to treat the person like a dog or a toddler - very simple, very firm cause-and-effect rules. You can say "I do not want you to speak to me like that. You are insulting me and blaming me unfairly because you are ill, and that is not your fault, but I want you to stop right now. If you don't stop I will leave the room. I will spend some time with you when you can treat me with respect." The more you engage with and react to the selfish and abusive behaviour, the easier it is to get sucked in and effectively "enable" it (though I don't like that word as it sounds so judgemental and this is incredibly hard).

You also must make time for relaxing treats for yourself - even if that means getting childcare sorted and having a day off and going shopping or for a facial or just a magazine and a coffee out. You must teach yourself that you are still human and need a break and can stand independently of this illness.

Anyway, get the book, that's just a taster of what it taught me. The other people's experiences it describes are so helpful as well, just to feel that you're not alone.

SL that was ridiculously helpful - I'm getting the book!

I have in the last few weeks refused to let him say the words "You make me so angry/sad". Which has already helped. I hadn't even realised that he had been blaming me for it all on a daily basis until he really hurt me one night in front of other people. That was the point where I just wasn't strong enough to shrug it all off anymore. Since then he has gone on ADs and seemed to be getting better, but now he is so much worse again.

Reading through what he wrote it sounds utterly crazy. I think I'm finding it very hard to believe that he would go through with something so... well, mad. I don't want to think that my lovely DH is something so different.

I really need to accept that he is not himself, that he could actually do this, that he is a danger to himself, don't I?

I haven't yet.

so sorry for your situation needy, i am going to enforce what everyone else has said, he must be seen asap, i know you have already made an appointment for him, but what if he refuses to go? he sounds like hes very ill and in a very dark place, what if he decides on more drastic action than what he already has planned? can u demand to speak to the gp this afternoon before hes home, you cannot handle this alone, u need guidance yourself, much sympathy and support.

You don't need to try to make sense of it all - you need to look after yourself, and set things up so that you can cope.

If it's hard to accept the change in him, accept that - the fact that is so hard and beyond what you can manage at this moment. That's OK, no one prepared you for this and it's not easy. Focus on practicalities. sorting help for him in this instance, not standing for abuse, and maintaining your sense of self. I can tell you from experience that it does help a lot.

I don't know your circumstances but my DP actually moved out for a while and lived with a single friend. (This was pre-DS though so very different from if you have DC, but consider it.) It meant I could get on with things and have my own space without the constant dragging down, and he had to focus on his recovery without being able to blame me for his unhappiness. I still saw him regularly but I could say "that's enough" as well. He was seeing a psychiatrist at the mental hospital, and a counsellor and was on ADs as well so there was a big support network for him independent of me.

SL talks alot of sense, but i am actually really concerned about your dh, i dont think making an appointment at the gp this afternoon is enough, you've got to accept he could be planninjg more than u think, time is of the essence

Oh God, have just been making myself some lunch and found a collection of things on his list, in a cupboard. A hammer, the medical kit (that I had put away upstairs a few days ago)...

I feel all pale and scared. I've hidden them all away, along with all the knives.

I'm going to go with him to the doctors. I'm sure the dcs will be fine in the waiting room for a bit. I'm going to take a copy of his list with me. IF he won't go in then I will and I will tell them everything.

Over the summer I'm supposed to be spending a few weeks away with the children - dh couldn't get time off. But what if he can't cope on his own?

Need an ashen faced emoticon this one's too blue.

what if he refuses to go docs at all? sounds like he means business

Lou, he's at work until 4, then I'll take him straight to the doctors. There's no time for him to do anything inbetween, and he's clearly got it all planned for tonight when I'm asleep

maybe you could tell him the appointment is for you and you need him to go with you? i just have a feeling that he wouldnt go himself because in his mind he has it all sorted out and hes dealing with it himself

If he won't go, you go, take the printout and tell all. Try to look on the bright side. He seems to be genuinely planing this toe thing, so in a way that's occupying him for the time being, rather than something worse. Whether you alert them to it, or he actually manages to do it, they should take it very seriously as an indicator of his mental health and step up the treatment. Wishing you lots of good luck.

exactly..what if he refuses to go to GP?

I posted that not realising lots of others had posted the same thing.

HCTG - The more repetitions the better.

This is going to be a really crappy day, isn't it?

what time is his appointment needy? be prepared for them to take him straight to be asessed, maybe it would be a good idea to arrange childcare now?

Do you think he'll really be taken away?

Is there anything practically a nearby MN can do? Watch your kids, come with you?
You have done the right hting by ringing the GP

Thanks itati. No Mnetters in my town AFAIK

Don't be too frightened Needy. I'm sure you've done absolutely the right thing in arranging the doctor's appointment, and it may be that he is referred for some inpatient care. But do bear in mind that writing, planning something awful like that can be a safety valve, an escape. Even if he is genuinely planning that awful deed, rather than fantasising, there is a world between planning and actual execution.

What he has written, what he has planned, it does show the enormous extent of his distress, but there is a way back from feeling like that.

it may be a possibility needy, but you are doing the right thing i promise. Imagine how you would feel if you ignored this and he did something awful

Sectioning is a possibility needy, though instinctively from what you've said I think not - more likely that they'll get some better care sorted out for him asap (as he seems willing to accept it which is a great sign).

But even if it happens, that's their decision and not for you to feel guilty or responsible about. You're doing the right thing.

Thanks TW, I needed to hear that there is a way back. I feel like this has been going on forever.

I wonder if I should call someone in his family, but they are not close in that way and I think they'd just tell him he was being stupid.

I want to talk to my family about it, but I don't want them to think dh is crazy - they know he is depressed (ILs don't) and have been nothing but supportive.

Thanks Lou and Snow. I don't know what I'll do if they section him. But that is not my decision to make. And if it's what needs to be done, then it must be done.

absolutely you need support aswell

Needy no matter how angry or upset with you he will be for 'interfering' he will realise when he is better that you have done this for his own good - he needs urgent professional help - you are doing the right thing.

Perhaps best not to contact his family, but you need to look after yourself and if you can't cope without talking to your family, then perhaps you should, especially as they already know about the depression. But only if you trust them to cope with the knowledge and not panic too much.

It needn't be that your dh is crazy, deluded. This could just be a very distorted and inefficuent coping strategy. Self-harm is a common form of release of enormous mental strain, and this could be 'just' a rather non-standard, 'male' way of going about it.