DH planning on doing something terrible this weekend. Help! Please!

[NeedyW]

Have posted about my dh's depression before (under this name, but am name changer). This week has been really bad.

He's on Citalopram 40mg and this week he lost his tablets. He's terrified about the doctor finding out how incompetent he is so won't ask for another prescription and is instead taking pills from a spare packet of my old ADs (Citalpram 20mg). I've pointed out that this might mean he's getting different doses and might not work as well, but he keeps doing it.

This week he has been in a terrible state. Got really angry with me one night for nothing. I told him I couldn't cope with his behaviour anymore. Since then he's been so nervy and anxious.

I'll finally get to the point. I found a list on the computer, I know I shouldn't have read it, but I needed to know what was going on in his head. I wonder if he wrote it there for me to find it. It starts with "Do not read this if you are not me".

It's a list of all his anxieties over various dates. How worthless he feels, how terrible he is etc.

There's an entry from earlier this week that is really scary. Lists all about how awful he has been to me, how I'm going to leave him, how he is starting to believe that he really is a bad person. Then there's this really long bit about how he is planning to cut off his toe on Friday night! It plans what he'll need (a knife, hammer, bandages, something to bite on so he won't scream etc) how he'll do it, what he'll say to work (dropped a knife) - no mention of what he'll say to me. It says that this is the only solution. To put all his "badness" into his toe and then get rid of it. He says he can't tell anybody why he's really doing it because they'll think he's crazy, and he's not (?).

what should I do?

He hasn't had any counselling for a while because the woman he was seeing has retired and he's waiting to be reassigned (nothing since beginning of June).

Should I get the authorities involved? Should I tell him I know?

I am so angry with him for how he has treated me, I know he cannot see how doing this would hurt anyone but himself, which makes me even more angry. This is not the man I married, I know he's ill, but he is completely the opposite to how he used to be. He has hurt me so much in the last couple of months - blamed me for everything, humiliated me in front of friends, scared me, etc.

Please help.

I'm going to go for a walk now, to clear my head. Will check in on this later.

TIA

Thank Ani. It just feels like this is never going to end. I can't remember a time when I could rely on him anymore

I too have screamed "Oh my God! You can make anything about you! It's bloody amazing." but not in the middle of the street yet. I'm sure that's still to come.

It was the point I stopped trying to make him better and just got angry that he finally picked himself up and started looking forward.

I stopped caring if he got better and told him so. Sounds harsh but I had got to the end of my rope. I couldn't cope with the hoplessness of it all. And like you I wanted him to be a man again.

It is so hard, and even having been through it I still don't have a quick fix to make it better. Just hold onto you, act like you are a single parent family and anything better is a bonus. Long term you will get him back.

That's what I have been doing in the last couple of weeks. I have no patience with him and do not want to be giving when he just takes. It's too much.

Every time he talks about himself I tell him it's his problem and I'm not interested.

The problem is that I genuinely am NOT interested. I don't want to hear him whinge and cry and self-pity.

I hate feeling this way. I am feeling terribly alone and unsupported.

I am so close to leaving him. So close. I can't bare to look at him at the moment and I know it is easier alone right now.

Will the loving feelings ever return? I hate this man. I know I keep saying it, but I really hate him!

Yes the love did return for me & Dh.

Depression is a really nasty disease. The person you hate is not your Dh it is a horrible thing living in his skin. Have faith in him, but don't beat yourself up for hating the person he has become.

Thanks Ani I will try.

I will go and take out my anger and frustration on a pumpkin, that'll help.

I pity the pumpkin

Back again. Hope there's someone out there

I have found out that dh decided 2 months ago (so that would be when his behaviour and mood changed significantly) that he no longer needed to be on ADs because he was all better. He did not consult a doctor. He did not talk to me about it - in fact he actively lied to me about it. He broached the subject with his counsellor who said that she didn't think it was the right time (what with all the life changes we were going through) but to talk to a doctor - which of course he ignored.

Just over a month ago (after he had already stopped taking them) he suggested that he might come off them to me. His behaviour had already worsened at this point and despite him protesting that he was feeling fine I told him that I didn't think it was a good idea and cited a few times he had been unable to cope with things. He agreed (although obviously the decision had already been made) and I thought that was the end of it.

Last week, during an indepth discussion about everything wrong with our marriage I asked him outright if he was still taking his tablets regularly. It never crossed my mind that he had stopped, just that he might be missing days due to forgetfulness.

I was devastated to be lied to. At first he let me think that he had lied to his dr about family circumstances (as no dr would let someone come off ADs in the middle of difficult changes), but then he finally admitted the dr knew nothing about it.

I am so angry. He promised me after what happened (in my OP) that he would not make any big decisions because he could not be objective or logical anymore. When I got upset at being deceived he told me it was his mind and his body and nothing to do with me - he has since apologised for saying it.

He took away the safety net and I never even knew it was gone. He could have had terrible reactions to coming off the meds without supervision.

Funnily enough the week before I was thinking "God, if he's this bad on ADs then he must be really bad."

I feel like I've got that horrible man back in my life again and we'd only just got rid of him. For 2 weeks (just before he came off the ADs) he was my husband again; he was thoughtful and caring and giving.

I feel like he sabotaged me. He knew I would have to come running back to him when he needed me and fool that I am, I did. I left my job because it was putting too much strain on the family . I'm such an idiot.

I'm so sad and angry and I don't know how to begin to forgive him.

I know the obvious thing to say is that the ADs worked once, they'll work again, but it took so long and I don't have any energy left to see it through.

I can't stop crying. Please help me.

Someone?

NeedyW - so sorry to hear you're going through this again.

Would it be possible for you to go and talk to your gp about your concerns.

My SIL does this from time to time - ie suddenly decides to stop taking her ADs. The trouble is that she can't see that her behaviour immediately starts going down hill. To her, it's all logical.

I think you need to take a step back from the situation and involve the GP or mental health team in this one.

dh has a habit of doing this- as soon as they work thinks he is better. this time he says he accepts he's on them for life; praying that he really accepts it.

do call the gp, he needs to know as regularity of med taking has to be part of the assessment.

it's so hard to know what to do and there are no clear answers; I told dh last week that I am his wife not his counsellor (in a nice chat, not a yelling match) and if he values the marriage he needs to understand that, and to find a counsellor proper if that is what is needed, the constant self pity was getting too much. I undertand it, we have had a fair share of bad luck- but I had been through the same and ddn't need to care for him on top.

good luck

Thank you so much for your replies.

This may sound utterly, utterly pathetic but I do not have the strength I had when I started this thread.

DH is supposedly back on ADs now, and supposedly told his GP what he'd done with the words "I don't need a lecture." which he bloody did need. But I can't trust him either way and he's on half the dose he was on before.

He has conveniently had to cancel his counselling apt. since me finding out. Another sign that he's not taking any of this seriously.

He is very much under the impression that I am now the one with the problem and he is all better.

Last night he told me smugly that my mother was very worried about me - they'd been talking on the phone. He looked devastated when I explained that of course she was as I'd told her everything and she knew exactly what dh was putting me through. He wants me to be the issue.

He did suggest marriage counselling - after another attempt to talk to him failed - and again, it would probably be a sensible idea but it's the last thing I want to do. I'm so sick of him blaming me for everything. I'm 99% sure that he is a Passive-Aggressive who has been quietly abusing me for years.

There's just so much.

Please give me some of my oomph back

Hi, i havn't read the whole thread but my dh suffers from depression and has done since age 11 when his mother took her own life, dh has spent a long time on AD'S but has recently come off of Citalopram (40mg), he did it through choice with out the gp's help. The first few weeks were hell, he didn't tell me he had come off the ad's but within 2 days i could tell he had stopped taking them as he was alot more tearful, angry and on edge, we talked about his choice and decided to try a few months without the AD'S.

This was 6 months ago, dh is still off the AD's, he still has bad days (mainly when we spend a day together or if the children are playing up), he also gets bad anxiety which can be upsetting. He doesn't want to go back on the AD's and i support his choice (for now).

Somedays i hate him for how he is, other days i just wan't to hold him (like a baby).

If he does go back on the AD's, yes they will take along time to start working, is there anyway he can talk to someonse through the GP?

Sendding you loads of hugs, i hope you find a way through this tough time.

Thanks Marne, it's good to know I'm not the only one. But he'd only been on them a couple of months, I had only just started to see a real change. It all seems so unfair.

I want to slap his stupid face. And I hate that I want to do that. I have so much anger towards him and I don't know how to let it go and begin to forgive him. I don't even know if I can

can I suggest marriage counselling for just you? thats available and I can completeky empathise with the pasive-agressve bit myself, dh is a gem at that 'the pc shut down, what did you do, did you press the buttons, I told you not to do when I was virus checking- oh its the screensaver' (over for dh,

Hi Needy

omg, i#m sitting here in total ore, i can't believe how well you have coped with all of this. No wonder you are no tired. Have you spoken to any of the suggested help, in order to support you? I'm sure that this is a very normal reactin to what you have been going through. Wish I ahd something to say that would make a difference. Please hae this hug instead [[[needywife]]]

Needy you have put your finger on it - he wants to project, to make you the villain, to not admit this is his problem to sort out. People with depression taking themselves off their ADs and declaring they are fine is very common. So frustrating for you. Here is a big (and uncharacteristically soppy) (((hug))) for you. All I can say to comfort you is the same as before, I have been where you are and DP and I got through it and he has been back to being the lovely man I love for many years now - but the depressed person does have to take responsibility and do the work, you cannot do it for them.

I know I went on about this before but the only way for you to stay sane in all this is to distance yourself and look after yourself - while still offering your support as a partner. I would go to marriage counselling if I were you. He may try to blame you but in that context you will have your chance to speak, and the counsellor will see very clearly who out of the two of you has a mental health problem. Even if it doesn't solve the issue, it will give you a boost to feel validated and that someone is listening.

Have a cup of tea, buy yourself some chocolate today. That sounds trite but I mean it. Do little, kind things for yourself whenever you can.

Dh's GP adviced to stay on them for at least 6 months to see the change , did he have side effects from the AD's?

Dh has been on and off them a few times, the first time the GP did not explain how long they took to work, dh got fed up with side effects and no change in his depression so he came off. The second time the gp explained to him how they work and how long they take to work, dh took them for 18 months and was doing well but was still getting side effects and felt he was ready to come off. I know he may have to go back on them in the future as he is up and down like a yo-yo.

Has his GP explained to him how AD's work and how long they take to kick in?

peachy - you have just described a typical situation between me and DH, is this passaive aggressive behaviour?

I think it is but i'm not an expert; it makes me feel bad though which imo is all that really matters

Marne has he tried another brand? Prozac was a nightmare for dh, terrible stomach problems that never cured after stopping them, insomnia, etc etc etc- citalopram 20mg and is working well, side effects for just 2 weeks

Oh and would you consider a namechange to make you feel stronger and more resolved? Like "don'tneedthis" or "StrongW" - because you are.

Thank you for hugs (uncharacteristic and characteristic). I have stopped sobbing onto my keyboard now, which is a good start.

DH had only been on ADs since June, I know the dr told him it would take time because I was there. It was only at the beginning of September that a change began.

I will get some chocolate immediately.

I can't be there for him anymore. I can't take the lies and the broken promises. He can't even do simple things when asked to do them. If left alone with ds2 he won't change his nappy - because he hasn't been told to (and this is not like him, he was always a very hands on father). He snaps at the children. He gives me such nasty looks when I talk to him about his problems.

He says the pills made him forgetful and dopey and unable to help. Which is, hilariously, the complete opposite of how they made him behave. He says he felt disjointed.

He has (supposedly) gone back on to 20mg Citalopram, but it was 40mg that was working (he started on 20mg and that's when the OP happened).

If he told me today that all his problems could be solved by cutting off bits of him, I might be tempted to hand him the knife

I feel like a broken woman, definitely not a StrongW.

Dh tried prozac before Citalopram and didn't get on with them, the Citalopram were better and had less side effects but kept him awake at night, he change what time he took them in hope he would be awake durring the day and sleepy at night but he still found it hard to sleep (he's not a great sleeper anyway). I think if he needed to take them again he would and put up with any side effects.

Dh can have passive aggressive behaviour, we find ourselfs arguing about stupid things like somethinh not being put away in the correct place, it can get way out of hand until he forgets what the argument was about.

Dh finds comfort in cleaning, when he's home he cleans and tidies the house, he says it makes him feel like he has achieved something, this does get out of hand and causses alot of arguments, if the house isn't kept tidy dh gets depressed. He also gets anxious about money even if we have enough to pay for evrything we need. Sometimes he goes through stages of no wanting to leeve the house, we rarely go anywhere together, if he's not at work he wants to be at home.

Needy - I'm on citalopram for depression. I know everyone is different, but citalopram has helped me, though not as much as I'd hoped, which is why the gp has put the doseage up. It didn't make me feel disjointed, and I always know the things that need doing - and if they are for the children's health and wellbeing, they will get done, though not necessarily if they are for my wellbeing.

It sounds like you need some proper support for yourself - someone who's there to care for you and listen for you, because your dh is unable to be that person for you at the moment. I would second those who've suggested you talk to your gp - maybe there are support services locally that he can put you in touch with so that you don't feel so alone.

Huge hugs for you, and I'm thinking of you!
xxxxxxx