DH planning on doing something terrible this weekend. Help! Please!

[NeedyW]

Have posted about my dh's depression before (under this name, but am name changer). This week has been really bad.

He's on Citalopram 40mg and this week he lost his tablets. He's terrified about the doctor finding out how incompetent he is so won't ask for another prescription and is instead taking pills from a spare packet of my old ADs (Citalpram 20mg). I've pointed out that this might mean he's getting different doses and might not work as well, but he keeps doing it.

This week he has been in a terrible state. Got really angry with me one night for nothing. I told him I couldn't cope with his behaviour anymore. Since then he's been so nervy and anxious.

I'll finally get to the point. I found a list on the computer, I know I shouldn't have read it, but I needed to know what was going on in his head. I wonder if he wrote it there for me to find it. It starts with "Do not read this if you are not me".

It's a list of all his anxieties over various dates. How worthless he feels, how terrible he is etc.

There's an entry from earlier this week that is really scary. Lists all about how awful he has been to me, how I'm going to leave him, how he is starting to believe that he really is a bad person. Then there's this really long bit about how he is planning to cut off his toe on Friday night! It plans what he'll need (a knife, hammer, bandages, something to bite on so he won't scream etc) how he'll do it, what he'll say to work (dropped a knife) - no mention of what he'll say to me. It says that this is the only solution. To put all his "badness" into his toe and then get rid of it. He says he can't tell anybody why he's really doing it because they'll think he's crazy, and he's not (?).

what should I do?

He hasn't had any counselling for a while because the woman he was seeing has retired and he's waiting to be reassigned (nothing since beginning of June).

Should I get the authorities involved? Should I tell him I know?

I am so angry with him for how he has treated me, I know he cannot see how doing this would hurt anyone but himself, which makes me even more angry. This is not the man I married, I know he's ill, but he is completely the opposite to how he used to be. He has hurt me so much in the last couple of months - blamed me for everything, humiliated me in front of friends, scared me, etc.

Please help.

I'm going to go for a walk now, to clear my head. Will check in on this later.

TIA

I would ring your GP. Tell him what you have read. Ask for an urgent mental health act assessment for the Community Mental Health Team .

He sounds very ill.

I think you should do what laidback said.

you can ring the docs oyurself and just ask for a repeat prescription as you lost his pills. They won't ask much at all.

He needs to see someone.

I think he also needs to be seen ASAP for his own sake.

He sounds severely mentally ill.

I don't think there is much point in being angry with someone who is clearly not thinking straight. I know its understandable though.

please call someone

my dh rang me from his mobile told sad goodbye he was going to die then hung up (many years ago now). Bloody awful I called the police ass i had an idea where he would be and that saed him, you need to call someone who can do the same- GP

Agree - call your GP and explain what he is planning; I imagine your GP will either come or will refer straight to the local CMHT (community mental health team) who will I'm sure come out and assess him.

He really does sound in need of urgent help right now.

Good luck. This must be so stressful for you. But remember that stuff he's written is not him, it's his illness talking.

Actually, just re-read and as he's had a counsellor before (I imagine a local CPN?) then I would call that office straight away; go to the duty officer as he has no-one allocated at the mo, explain to them what's happening; duty officers are there for exactly this sort of situation.

definitely get professional help, if he does follow these things through you'd feel terrible, if he doesn't then you're still on tenterhooks the whole time

I think you can be angry, because you shouldn't have to deal with this and I know from experience that having a partner with depression is exasperating and exhausting.

TBH he sounds very ill indeed and does need medical help now. I would call the GP, and/or your local mental hospital (they may have an outreach team).

I also think you should put it in their hands to take the burden off you. This is too much for you to deal with alone. You need to develop a sense of separation from his depression, to help you cope.

Have you seen this book? It helped me a great deal when DP was depressed. It was a long time ago now and he has been well for many years, so there is hope.

ditto what everyone says. Please seek help and ASAP.

good luck

Thank you everyone. I think I know what I should do, but it's just so hard.

He is still working - none of his depression has affected his job at all - and he loves his job. He says that's why he plans to do it tonight (rather than earlier in the week), so he will have time to heal and be able to go to work on Monday.

If I intervene by getting in health professionals he will be so angry with me. Especially if there is a chance he would not be able to go to work, or if they found out his mental state.

I don't want him to think that I am going behind his back. I want to try to persuade him to talk to the doctor himself. But then I think he'd lie and downplay it anyway.

erm if he chops off his toe there's every chance he won't go to work either.

this is a cry for help - to himself or whoever reads it.

imo his anger is better than the alternative...

very tricky one needy and I feel very sorry for the predicament.

I suppose you have to ask yourself how you would feel if you did not act, when you had seen the signs and that he had written it down. He is obviously very ill and needs help.

He may be angry with you, but one day he will thank you for showing how much you cared.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with going to the doctor behind his back. If he's angry, is that worse than what you're going through already? He is obviously very deluded and will not see sense, so in your shoes I would feel I had no choice.

My DP also had that thing with work. It was his identity and his lifeline and it was not affected. That's a good thing, it's a good sign that your DH has that to hold onto. But if he cuts his toe off, he will be missing work. You can try consulting him first, but I would go along the lines of "I am going to contact the doctor because I am so worried about you and I cannot cope alone. Will you come with me or shall I do it on your behalf. there is not a "no" option as I cannot manage this on my own as I am not your doctor."

On a more practical note, do you know which toe? If he actually did cut off a big toe, he would never be able to walk properly again. He is not thinking straight and he will thank you in retrospect for pointing this out and getting him the help he needs.

I think that is what I will do, snowleopard. That way he knows it is going to happen but he has a chance to take control of it himself.

It's his little toe - although considering how much walking about is involved in his work I can't see how he could keep working.

I seem to remember losing a big toe was considered quite a hefty disability but can't remember what %

Only prob with the telling him beforehand scenario is that he will be angry that you looked at the computer and read something you shouldn't (in his eyes), he may well use some type of blackmail to prevent you from calling GP.

He is good at masking it as he holds down a job, so I would take a secret copy printout so you have a bit of backup. The first thing he will do is delete it then deny.

On further thinking, could you not call the GP first to express your concerns, then give your DH the option to see someone.

If he refuses then at least you have spoken to a professional first, and hopefully he/she will be able to advise you on what you should do next.

I have made an appointment for this afternoon for him.

Good advice on printing it out. Will do. I'm going to be firm on this. It could go one of two ways

1/ He cries with relief that I have found it and am helping him

2/ He gets angry that I am interfering as in his words "This would seem mad to anyone else but to me it makes so much sense and is the only solution".

Thank you so much to everybody who has replied. I was worried that I would be doing the wrong thing if I got other people involved. Now I know that this is the right thing to do I can do it without giving in to his arguments.

There are some organisations here at the end of fact sheet -call them and make sure you get the most appropropriate help for him. If I were you and I don't know your financial position but I would pay privately and get a proper diagnosis quickly. Speak to an organisation first who can help you get the most out of your NHS system and point you in the right direction. You need support from people who are familiar and have expertise with these symptoms.

Do get that book needy, if you don't have it already. It's a revelation. It helps you to separate yourself and look after yourself - and that in turn helps you to help your partner.

Thanks for that link rebel. Will do. Can't afford to go private, sadly.

That book does look good, snow, I certainly have lost the ability to see his illness as separate from him, ever since he started attacking me (verbally). I felt so betrayed went it went so quickly from me supporting him and helping him, to him humiliating me and getting angry with me. I feel like I'm living on an emotional rollercoaster. I never know how he will react to anything and he is completely blind to how I feel.