DH planning on doing something terrible this weekend. Help! Please!

[NeedyW]

Have posted about my dh's depression before (under this name, but am name changer). This week has been really bad.

He's on Citalopram 40mg and this week he lost his tablets. He's terrified about the doctor finding out how incompetent he is so won't ask for another prescription and is instead taking pills from a spare packet of my old ADs (Citalpram 20mg). I've pointed out that this might mean he's getting different doses and might not work as well, but he keeps doing it.

This week he has been in a terrible state. Got really angry with me one night for nothing. I told him I couldn't cope with his behaviour anymore. Since then he's been so nervy and anxious.

I'll finally get to the point. I found a list on the computer, I know I shouldn't have read it, but I needed to know what was going on in his head. I wonder if he wrote it there for me to find it. It starts with "Do not read this if you are not me".

It's a list of all his anxieties over various dates. How worthless he feels, how terrible he is etc.

There's an entry from earlier this week that is really scary. Lists all about how awful he has been to me, how I'm going to leave him, how he is starting to believe that he really is a bad person. Then there's this really long bit about how he is planning to cut off his toe on Friday night! It plans what he'll need (a knife, hammer, bandages, something to bite on so he won't scream etc) how he'll do it, what he'll say to work (dropped a knife) - no mention of what he'll say to me. It says that this is the only solution. To put all his "badness" into his toe and then get rid of it. He says he can't tell anybody why he's really doing it because they'll think he's crazy, and he's not (?).

what should I do?

He hasn't had any counselling for a while because the woman he was seeing has retired and he's waiting to be reassigned (nothing since beginning of June).

Should I get the authorities involved? Should I tell him I know?

I am so angry with him for how he has treated me, I know he cannot see how doing this would hurt anyone but himself, which makes me even more angry. This is not the man I married, I know he's ill, but he is completely the opposite to how he used to be. He has hurt me so much in the last couple of months - blamed me for everything, humiliated me in front of friends, scared me, etc.

Please help.

I'm going to go for a walk now, to clear my head. Will check in on this later.

TIA

My instinct is that sectioning is far less likely than a consensual arrangement.

I really hope I am

I'm indecisive at the best of times, wish I was allowed to be about this decision.

Needy, my DP had a really terrible breakdown and depression. Through intensive counselling and medication, he did recover well. I'll be honest - it took 2 years. But he was already much better by about 6 months - and I'm glad he took the time to focus on it properly and didn't give up on the counselling for a long time, as it does take time to heal these things. He kept working throughout. After all this, our relationship was stronger - because we knew so much more about ourselves and each other I think - and although I know he has a depressive tendency and it could come back, he has done very well for 6 years now. I was where you are - it's all so familiar. Now I have the real him back - he's loving and caring, funny, thoughtful, mature and a good dad - and he is very good at coping with emotional things as he's been through so much self-examination. It can happen - don't give up hope.

Thank you TW. I think you're right about this as a coping strategy, it just seems so much more extreme than "normal" self-harm.

I don't think I will talk to my family at the moment. It's all so unclear in my head. I might call them later.

Am in contact with a close friend who is being lovely and sensible too.

Been following this but have not yet commented as so many have given such wonderful advice.
Just one tiny thought (this has been on my mind all day). You mention taking DCs to the GP with you. I think this is serious enough to ask someone nearby (family/friend) to look after them for a few hours so that you can focus on Dh and the GP. You mention that you are close to your family and they are aware of some of the background. Could you call in a last minute favour and ask them to babysit for a few hours while you go to an emergency appointment with DH?
For the little that it is worth, I am thinking of you and admire you to have made that call to the GP. Definitely the best thing to do and fantastic you were able to do it. xxxx

Sl thank you for sharing your experiences. I can't see that light at the end of the tunnel yet. It does feel like it's going to be like this forever. I need to find my hope again.

Thanks Lemon. Family live the other side of the country and no real friends here to call for favours. Really need to get a support network set up.

DH just sent me a really odd e-mail. It went on about how much he loves me, how sorry he is, and how we can make this work as soon as he "detaches himself from all the horrible things" he has done. He repeats the word "detaches" three times in the e-mail.

you really dont need to live like this and there is help towards a better life for you all. I have a BP husband (and am a counsellor) and we have been through very rough times but there is light at the end of the tunnel, with help. Just reading what has been said, I would (guess) that is unlikely that he will be sectioned, and echo what someone said about this sort of planning sometimes being a safety valve sort of release for feelings of self loathing, similar to self-harming. Still very scary though, and, of course, everyone is different and you never know. The very best of luck and i hope your gp is helpful.

Thanks moopy, I feel less concerned about him being dragged off by men in white coats now. He doesn't need to be taken away, but he does need to be made to realise that this is not the way to sort things out. How would they do this?

the other thing that has been the most important for me has been to learn that I cannot cure or fix my dh. Outside help is needed - and we have had this, and he has continued working in a senior post through it, so that can be done too. It does sound like your dh is in crisis - maybe ring the gp now and alert him to the situation before you see him/her.

am sorry needy, i didnt mean to scare you with what i said, i just wanted you to be prepared

I know, Lou. It did help me realise how seriously they might take it. And I think I do need to be prepared for whatever may happen.

I wasn't able to get an appointment with his usual GP - which I feel really bad about - only in open surgery. So no GP to forewarn IYSWIM.

good luck, please let us know the outcome of his appointment

I will. Do you think i should show GP the list or just tell him the gist of it - I know it was written as something private so don't want to betray dh, these were not words meant for anyone else.

I think you should bring it with you -- perhaps the email also. Then you can play it by ear.

You might have to work a little at getting the GP to take this as seriously as it needs to be taken.

I agree with TW, i also understand your feelings of betraying dh, but it is for the best possible reason, if i was in your dh's shoes, i know id appreciate my dh stepping in the way you have, obviousley once iw as feeling better

Needy, first of all let me say how lucky your DH is to have you.
Don't be scared of him being 'taken away'. My DH spent some time in mental health units and it helped him a lot. It may be the help that your DH needs.
I would think that showing the list you found to the doctor will help. The doctor then might realise how serious the situation is.
With regard to him losing his tablts - I have done the same (and I am also on Citalopram 40mg) and the doc is always really good about reissuing, so your DH has nothing to worry about there.
Good luck, Needy. Stay strong and keep posting - there are some fabulous people on this site who have been a great help to me and others in the past.

Oh, you're all so lovely. Thank God for Mumsnet! That's all I can say. Right, I have 2 copies of the list in my bag. One to show to dh so he knows what I have seen, and the other as a back up for the doctor in case he won't give it back.

I know he is going to say something along the lines of "Oh that, I was just being stupid, it's not serious..." (unless he just gets angry) and the most important thing is that I MUST NOT get talked out of taking him to the doctors (he can be very persuasive). So to prevent that from happening I'm going to print out this thread too - so if I'm wavering I can sneak off and read it and know that what I am doing is right.

Anything else I can prepare?

Needy, I'm sorry to hear of your situation. You've said you're taking him after he finishes work at 4. I just wonder if it's worth you phoning the GP this afternoon; from their point of view, it's going to be hard to get enough sorted on a friday evening - same as every other business, a lot of people like to go home early on a friday, and if the GP needs to involve mental health teams, it might be helpful if they have a little notice IYSWIM. It might also be helpful from th GP's perspective as, presumably, you've only been able to book a single appointment, and this problem needs longer than ten minutes to solve. (Of course this depends on how amenable your surgery is to phoning people...)

good thinking about printing off this thread needy, and i echo you, YOU MUST NOT LET HIM TALK YOU OUT OF TAKING HIM, also when you are in the surgery you must tell the doctor all you know, dont hold your tongue incase of upsetting dh, remember at all times that you are helping him. i do also think that you should ring the surgery to prewarn, i know u said its a differnt doctor etc, but you can still leave a message with the receptionist, u dont have to go into great detail with her, but just outline what u can. please consider this

Thanks everyone. I will consider calling them. It is good advice.

I'm off to sort some things before I go. Will post back when I get the chance.

Thank you so much to everyone who has replied. It has meant a lot to me not to be alone today.

x

Yes, ring up gp first and talk to him about all this first, before appt.

good luck needy

very best of luck. heres to better times ahead for you all.