I'm so scared he is going to die.

[VictorianSqualor]

I posted a thread in parenting yesterday about PND and have realised I've definitely got something wrong going on in my head.

I'm petrified that DS2 is going to die, or if not him then one of the other two and I'm not going to be able to prevent it because I've taken my eyes off the ball.

Right now I'm worrying that DD is going to get run over walking to school with her friend and her mum, once I know she is safe in school I'll be able to chill a bit, but then it will be one of the others.

I'm scared to go to the doctors and get it sorted though because if I do, I might stop feeling like this, and feeling like this might be because I need to keep an extra eye and stop which ever one of them is going to die.

I'm a mess and I don't know why it has come on so quickly, I was fine a few days ago, just a bit anxious about SIDS but not bad, now I can't stop crying and I spent last night awake watching DS to check he was breathing.

I really hate feeling like this but I don't see how I can get fixed without it stopping the healthy worry and just the over anxiety.

Scorpio, I did get your email, I just want to answer it truthfully and fully which isn't always easy with dp&dcs around.

Daisy, no worries, I know you meant good by it, I don't think they do venture onto the boards often so took no offence.

I spoke to DP about how often to check, I'm doing it on tv breaks, walking up the stairs is hard, but he's still here

Buktus, your is way more rational than mine, but I'm assuming equally as hard. I feel for you.

VS, glad you have a way forward and are tackling this. It will get easier. Don't ignore your instincts but don't let yourself be controlled by irrational thoughts, you will feel better when you are more in control of these thoughts.

how are things today VS?

Not too bad today thanks.
DP got up at about 7 and took all the DC's downstairs so I could get some sleep.
I don't feel as anxious, more void of feeling tbh, I feel like someone has died.

Glad today started well - a lovely lie in.
Although feeling void doesn't sound good, I can imagine its an improvement on being filled to the brim with unreasonable anxiety. Hope the good days continue

I've had a really nice day actually, and feel much better.
A had a sleep upstairs this afternoon and I didn't check on him once which was a huge improvement!
The void I was trying to explain was like grieving, you know when someone dies and you're not sad as such, just not happy? Like that.
But it's lifting and tonight I have some delicious chocolate, a good bottle of wine and a hot bath waiting for me once the eldest DC's are in bed so can take some time to just chill out and talk some sense to myself!
You've all been really great so far, hopefully I'll just keep improving and not need this support again, but thank you for what I've already received.

Glad you had a better day, I have been wondering how you were getting on.

I felt that way with dd when she first came home, she was in scbu for a week and I even bought an under the matress monitor that would go off if she stopped moving etc. I still checked her all night long and was very worried about her dying.

I was the same with ds1 but less so with ds2. We co-slept with them all, with dd after a few weeks as she was so small and I was worried about her being squashed.

I'm not sure if that was pnd but I never went to the doctor and I feel a million times better now. I really used to worry about them dying though.

I've also had 5 miscarriages after dd, 4 before I had ds1 and 1 after. It wasn't easy feeling like that so you have my sympathies. I didn't feel like I wanted to see my doctor but I've had depression before the children and I didn't feel the same as that.

I don't really know my point in posting that but you're not alone in how you feel.

Jodie, knowing anyone has felt this way helps, and I think when we have been in the same situation/felt the same as someone, sometimes we just need to acknowledge that.
Thankyou.

I too have had depression before, and felt nothing like this, which is why I posted a separate thread asking what PND was like for different people.

VS, glad things are looking brighter tonight. I can empathise on the empty/void feeling though. I feel like that when my depression isn't being controlled. I was away last weekend and forgot to take my tabs with me and had a few days this week of feeling absolutely numb. Thankfully things are picking up again now.

I hope things continue to improve for you, but if you are having a bad day (and there probably will be good days and bad days to come) you know we're all here listening

..and, this might be the very last thing you want to do at the minute, but can you get out for a couple of hours on your own? go and get your hair or nails done, or for a massage or reflexology or something? Just something that is about you and for you to give yourself a break.

How was your weekend VS?

VS, I do sympathise with these thoughts you are having. My mind works a bit similarly. They are very anxious thoughts, and although they are rooted in something sensible (keeping an eye on your children) they have run amok. I think you may possibly have PND tbh.