I'm so scared he is going to die.

[VictorianSqualor]

I posted a thread in parenting yesterday about PND and have realised I've definitely got something wrong going on in my head.

I'm petrified that DS2 is going to die, or if not him then one of the other two and I'm not going to be able to prevent it because I've taken my eyes off the ball.

Right now I'm worrying that DD is going to get run over walking to school with her friend and her mum, once I know she is safe in school I'll be able to chill a bit, but then it will be one of the others.

I'm scared to go to the doctors and get it sorted though because if I do, I might stop feeling like this, and feeling like this might be because I need to keep an extra eye and stop which ever one of them is going to die.

I'm a mess and I don't know why it has come on so quickly, I was fine a few days ago, just a bit anxious about SIDS but not bad, now I can't stop crying and I spent last night awake watching DS to check he was breathing.

I really hate feeling like this but I don't see how I can get fixed without it stopping the healthy worry and just the over anxiety.

I hav e just read the reviews - I have none of the background buzzing that they talk about.

Now I know I'm being irrational but the name of that one scares me
Feeling like I do at the moment, like he shouldn't be here, as if he has cheated death so far and all we're waiting for is someone to realise and take him away the angel thing scares me.
I feel like he is meant to be an angel but somehow they've let me keep him so far.

Oh VS, have some not very MNetty {{{{{hugs}}}}}

VS I really feel for you. You sound just like me a year ago. Only much more eloquent, I could never have put this fear into words like you have. How old is your DS2?

He's 12 weeks.

monitor

VS

sweetheart you KNOW that there is a fundamental error in the way you are thinking at the moment. It is a biological misfire to do with the chemicals in your brain which account for the fight or flight response and the maternal protective instinct.. it is not your fault .. but it is treatable with the right techniques and possibly even a short course of medication.

and really that should be your starting point .. you need coping mechanisms and you need to be able to relax and think straight and enjoy your children without worrying every second... because your anxiety levels will feed themselves and you'll be caught in a vicious circle.

So you NEED to see the doctor. Please make the appointment now.

If you relax you will be MORE ABLE to take care of your children not LESS ABLE.

I know you're right twiglett, I do.
It's just so fucking hard.

Ah, still so tiny and vulnerable-seeming, makes it so hard - I bet he's absolutely gorgeous though.

I apologise in advance for the personal question, and you obviously don't have to answer to me, but can you think of any underlying reason you might be feeling like this? Because for me it was linked to a few different things, including a lack of self-esteem and therefore thinking that I just didn't deserve to have such a wonderful child. There were a few other things that contributed, although i'd prefer not to discuss them here. Feel free to cat me if you think it would be any use to hear from me. I have to logout now but I am thinking of you and hope you can get some help with this soon.

You need to be able to think straight, to sleep and to enjoy your children.

Twig is right - you are not doing any of these things due to something that can be put right.

Am very glad to see that you are seeking help.

Scorpio's monitor looks v good.

ggg - yes its great, you can put in on them all the time, in the car, buggy, everywhere as it clips on nappy. it buzzes the baby if it doesnt breathe then alarms you. alarm VERY loud.

I have been worrying abou twhat to get for ds when he gets older (for obvious reasons, and not to scare you VS, these are my neuroses!) and think I will get this one.

yes VS it is hard but you are bright. You know that it is all about neural pathways and that your thought processes have just got a little out of whack creating an anxiety which feeds the thought processes.

You just need a chance to change it .. and you have the strength to do that .. but it's one step at a time .. I'm glad to see you're taking the first step.

Another step can be telling yourself OUT LOUD that nothing will happen if you have a sleep that everythign will be fine. just say it out loud so your ears here it and your brain processes it .. say it over and over again.

And good luck with your doctor.

Your natural intelligence will get you out of this .. with a little work

I have to go and get DD from school and pretend everythings fine and normal now.
I hate this part of the day, pretending to everyone that I'm coping great when I'm a bundle of nerves.
Thankyou everyone.

Why is it getting so much worse so quickly?
Until now I just worried at night, and bedtime, but today on the school run, every time I looked at him I panicked.

Darling it is getting worse quickly because anxiety disorders are a vicious circle .. it feeds itself ... and focusing on it exacerbates it.

Say out loud "He is fine, he is well" and keep repeating it out loud until you feel the anxiety loosen it's grip

try it now

and remember that you are taking the steps you need to take to make it better .. you are going to talk to your doctor about it .. you will beat this .. it is just your brain chemicals playing with you .. it is fixable!

I know, I am going to fix it, He's fine and he's here to stay.

oh sweetie I'm so sorry you're going through this

when I had dd1 (now 8) I had the distinct impression she was going to fall out of a window - even if I was the other side of a long thin room, with sash windows open I thought I'd have to literally walk out of the room to protect her.

the overwhelming anxiety i felt did pass, but v gradually. it's something I recognise from a later bout of depression brought on by other issues (dd2 not getting into dd1's school, death of my dad, etc) - anxiety was the main symptom then and I think postnatally with dd1 I probably touched the edges of it - but got by without help.

I do hope you can get some help soon. good luck xxx

Windows were my first worry. I dare not let DS1 anywhere near a window, or a road, but I can keep those fears under control, all I have to do is keep windows locked and hands held at the road.
I think that's why this one has spiralled out of control, I can't do anything to make it safe iyswim?

Oh Victorian - I am so sorry to hear you're having a hard time. I was looking for you to see if you fancied another Oxford meet up because I thought your DS would be old enough now. Please see a doctor. I had depression years ago and although the Dr prescribed me some stuff what helped most was ready a leaflet that said depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, I felt so much better that it wasn't me going mad, but something that sounded scientific and fixable.

the talking out loud to yourself seems like madness but does work

how is your diet? if you are low on magnesium and omega 3/6 and B vitamins it can exacerbate anxiety

Thanks Yorky, Hopefully I can get in under control as quickly as it has gotten out of control and see you soon.

I'll look at some dietary changes/supplements then, see if it can help.

VS, so sorry you're feeling like this
But having gotten to know you from our antenatal thread, I know this is not the VS I know. Please get to your GP.

Ah, the real VS is still here somewhere, watch me go on the weaning threads
I'll be fine, DS2 will be fine.
It's all going to be ok.