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Original poster

I'm so scared he is going to die.

138 replies

VictorianSqualor · 03/07/2008 08:36

I posted a thread in parenting yesterday about PND and have realised I've definitely got something wrong going on in my head.

I'm petrified that DS2 is going to die, or if not him then one of the other two and I'm not going to be able to prevent it because I've taken my eyes off the ball.

Right now I'm worrying that DD is going to get run over walking to school with her friend and her mum, once I know she is safe in school I'll be able to chill a bit, but then it will be one of the others.

I'm scared to go to the doctors and get it sorted though because if I do, I might stop feeling like this, and feeling like this might be because I need to keep an extra eye and stop which ever one of them is going to die.

I'm a mess and I don't know why it has come on so quickly, I was fine a few days ago, just a bit anxious about SIDS but not bad, now I can't stop crying and I spent last night awake watching DS to check he was breathing.

I really hate feeling like this but I don't see how I can get fixed without it stopping the healthy worry and just the over anxiety.

OP posts:
smallwhitecat · 03/07/2008 09:45

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Original poster
VictorianSqualor · 03/07/2008 09:45

He is 12 weeks.

OP posts:
mankymummy · 03/07/2008 09:45

OK. So is there a time or an age he gets to at which point you can let yourself stop worrying to this degree?

TotalChaos · 03/07/2008 09:46

sometimes when the fear and feelings of doom overwhelm you, you aren't in the right place to assess what is risky and what isn't (e.g. in your case going to the docs), and need to rely on what others you trust think.

I agree with all the other ladies about speaking to GP or HV (whichever you feel easiest talking to).

smallwhitecat · 03/07/2008 09:49

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Original poster
VictorianSqualor · 03/07/2008 09:51

I think I'll be better then, it will just be things like windows and cars I worry about, but that's fine, that's just being safe.

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mankymummy · 03/07/2008 09:55

I'll probably get slated for this but...

i would concentrate on reaching the end of the worry period and let yourself be a bit over the top worried for a bit.

if in your mind it keeps him safer at this particular time and its not making you ill doing it then i would just ride with it.

and afterwards just worry about the real dangers with them all.

mindalina · 03/07/2008 10:01

Do you have any anxiety problems anyway?

Your OP read like you were describing me when DS was first born. I sympathise with the feeling that you can't calm down or relax because that will just open up an opportunity for something bad to happen. As for "I don't want to sleep, that's when babies die" - oh god I know, I remember feeling like that and it was horrible.

Really really go and see your GP or HV, nothing will take away the healthy worry for your children's safety but anxiety management classes did wonders for me in helping me seperate the sensible worry (is his room too warm) from the daft worry (he will die if I go to sleep/if he goes in a car without me the car will crash). I hope you can get this sorted and feel better soon.

TotalChaos · 03/07/2008 10:19

mankymummy - I can see why you are saying this - but IME living with such high anxiety levels took its toll on me so that I became very depressed, which probably wouldn't have happened had I sought treatment at the first alarm bells ringing.

MsDemeanor · 03/07/2008 10:22

How exactly do you think the action of worrying will protect him? Do you believe that your thoughts and fears protect him?

lackaDAISYcal · 03/07/2008 10:22

VS, I posted on your other thread too

You need to get to the doctors lovely. Him helping take away this anxiety won't make you stop worrying about your kids or being watchful of them, but it will help you get it in perspective and do it without obsessing.

We all have moments of blind panic, like when you wake before them and they are still asleep, or when you screech the car to a halt because you can't remember strapping them in. That is perfectly normal and what makes us good parents. but when you are ill, your adrenaline levels are at maximum all the time and you can't step back from the worry. that sort of prolonged stress on your body isn't good for you and ultimately isn't good for your kids.

VS, call your docs and get in to see someone today, please. The fact that this has come on very suddenly over the last day or two is ringing alarm bells for me and you need to get help.

I wish I was closer and could come and march you down there myself!

Take Care
Daisy xx

mankymummy · 03/07/2008 10:23

yes i see your point... i was just thinking that VS doesnt WANT to stop worrying and by the time she had gone to the doctors, got a referral etc. she would probably be over the worry period anyway.

So I thought rather than her worrying about worrying (on top of everything else) if you see what i mean...

VS... ignore me, i probably have no idea what im talking about !

ggglimpopo · 03/07/2008 10:29

VS - you know me and what happened to me.

I will tell you how I cope now - to try to help you......

I see someone - a psych and I talk about how I am feeling to someone neutral. Talking about it helps me to see what is rational and what is not.

I have an alarm on the baby's cot. I have done so for me, not for him. I can sleep when I know that if there is a problem I will be woken by the alarm. I know that the alarm is not the answer to every problem (for example it is just in his crib) but I also acknowledge that it is there for ME to allow me to sleep and without sleep I cannot function.

I risk assess but I allow my other children to lead 'normal lives'. My instinct is to cover them in cotton wool but that will not help anything and they will not learn how to assess risk or recognise danger if I do everything for them. My little boy (9) has been on a scout camping weekend and came home filthy and covered in mosquito bites, but had the best time ever. Keeping him home would have denied him a great childhood memory and have helped no one.

I try to enjoy life and cherish my children and what I have. You cannot do that if you are worried sick. I have thai massage and take care to go out and enjoy myself and to relax and live a little rahter than spending far too much energy and headspace focussing on what could have (and did) happen.

Please talk to someone and get help.

ggglimpopo · 03/07/2008 10:31

if you have msn or want to email me

gggglimpopo at hotmail dot com

smallwhitecat · 03/07/2008 10:34

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lou031205 · 03/07/2008 10:40

Victorian Squalor, I really feel for you. I have also had thoughts about Cot Death, and an instinct that it could happen to my child. But in a way, I think that is just our brains trying to rationalise a deep fear. I almost thought that if I thought about it, and imagined it, it wouldn't happen.

What I do know, is that for me in general, my thinking about things becomes wildly emotional and irrational as my tiredness increases. So much so that I now recognise when I "need to go to bed".

From the sound of it, you are too tired emotionally and physically to rationalise anything, and going to the HV or GP for support is a step towards getting to a place where you can work out what is best.

The HV will be able to talk through all that you are doing at night, and reassure you that you are limiting the risk as much as possible. She will have seen countless mums about the same thing.

MrsJohnCusack · 03/07/2008 11:13

VS
This is how PND manifested itself for me first time round. my DH also suffers from obsessive thoughts, it is how his depression manifests itself. Medication (some antidepressants are v.good for anxiety/obsessive thoughts) and also CBT is very good. But you MUST get to the doctor. This is no way to live, and it is exhausting as well.

Original poster
VictorianSqualor · 03/07/2008 12:19

I'm supposed to be going to the doctors tomorrow, but I don't know what I'll say to him til I get in there.
I know this isn't right, I know I shouldn't feel this way, I know I need help, but when getting help is one of the fears it's crippling.
MsDemeanor, I'm not sure how I think can protect him, I don't think I can, I think it's going to happen, no matter what I do, but at least by knowing it's going to happen I can try and stop it.

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QuintessentialShadows · 03/07/2008 12:25

VS. I recognise myself a lot in your posts. I barely slept till my youngest was 1, and my gp prescribed the SureStart sleep team out, and our baby to move into his own cot as I NEEDED sleep. And baby needed to learn to sleep on his own.

I couldnt sleep I was so scared he should die. Nothing is more terrifying. We coslept. I was laying looking it him most nights, scared shitless I should fall asleep, and he should die. Not a good place to be. I have no speficif advise to you, as I never saw my doctor about this particular problem, think it was part and parcel of my pnd, which I managed to get out of when he was around 18 momths. This coincided with getting over sleep deprivation though.

Original poster
VictorianSqualor · 03/07/2008 12:35

ggglimpopo what cot alarm do you have?
If I know he is safe, then I can sleep, and I'll be fine.

OP posts:
scorpio1 · 03/07/2008 12:52

VS, sweetie.

try a respisense monitor. sorry cant type more at mo, but you have my email.

Original poster
VictorianSqualor · 03/07/2008 13:09

I've just spoken to DP, I'm going to talk to the doctor tomorrow, but I'm getting a cot alarm before I do anything to make me get better properly iyswim.
If I know me getting better isn't going to make him be left then I can do it.
I can't believe how severe this has become so quickly, I know I have slight anxiety ishoos but I'm physically shaking and feel nauseous, only three days ago I felt fine.

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lackaDAISYcal · 03/07/2008 13:22

VS, can DP go with you to the docs? When I was at my worst, it was my DH who called for the appointment and he also came with me. He was able to fill in the blanks when I was too upset to speak and we got the extent of how ill I'd been over to the doctor that way. It is so very difficult to talk about these things.

thinking of you xx

Original poster
VictorianSqualor · 03/07/2008 13:23

Yes, he is coming with me.

OP posts:
ggglimpopo · 03/07/2008 13:24

I have this one given to me by a very very lovely mnetter.