AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

[Hamandcrispsandwich]

Hello,
I just want to start by saying I'm not in any way a cruel or malicious person, so please don't think I am.
I am currently in a terrible way mentally and I need someone or something to pull me out of it. I have depression, anxiety and a severe, chronic eating disorder. I have had years of therapy, psychiatrists, psychologists etc and EVERY SINGLE ONE has passed me on to someone else to "deal with" because I'm "too complex"
I've never had a level of consistency that I so deeply crave. Ive always been abandoned because something better has come along. I do have a job and a few weeks ago, one of my clients got drunk and was horrendously abusive to me over the phone. They told me I'm disgusting, I make them feel sick and why are people like me even alive, I have no purpose etc. I quickly terminated that, but please understand that these are all things I think about myself, but hearing it from someone else deeply hurt.

Now, I've had a therapist for 2 years. I started to feel able to open up fully this year, which I have done and she said "I promise you I won't leave you" consistently over these few months. Fast forward to my last session and she's leaving. We have one more session and she's leaving to have a baby, so I will be passed on to someone else again.
I am broken. I cannot tell you the level of devastation I feel. I haven't eaten a meal since we spoke, i keep crying all throughout the day and I absolutely hate myself for it.
I am so happy for her, I really am thrilled that she is having a baby, but this is completely overtaken by my own feelings and I don't know what to do.

1. I will never have a baby or family of my own, but it is something I've always craved, however, I have to accept I can never have it and now she does.
2. Once again, something better has come along and I have to just accept it and understand that I'll never be of any value in others lives.
3. I am being handed to someone else who doesn't particularly want me
4. I have to accept that I am disposable and easily replaceable and always will be.

Please do understand that I really am a kind, caring, gentle person and I don't know why this keeps happening to me. I just don't know how to get out of it. All I want is to not feel this sad. I wish I could make this pain and mental distress go away, but I don't know how to do that. I have to stay alive because there are people relying on me and i dont want to cause them any upset. I can't tell anyone in real life because they'll think I'm pathetic, which I know I am, but I just find this pain unbearable. I've had years of this and finally thought it wouldn't happen again but here i am. I thought I'd find it easier, but this is the hardest.

This is all my own fault. She's handled this as best she can. She as the only one willing to try with me, so I am forever grateful, but I feel so defeated and I just need this pain to go. I have a headache, I feel sick, all I do is cry or lie in my bed like the waste of existence I am, I can't eat, can't sleep and I just feel like I'm a complete and utter waste of oxygen.

Thank you for reading and for any replies. I'm currently lying in bed, so I'll respond to anything when I get up (IF I fall asleep) x

Ah you poor thing OP. You sound like a lovely self-aware person.

As someone else said, maybe it's okay to allow yourself to feel sad - and even angry - about your therapist leaving? I don't mean angry with her, as of course she's done nothing wrong in having a baby. I mean more angry at the universe and the situation. Allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and express it (at least in the privacy of your home). If she was the closest person to you then it's no wonder you feel sad. It's an entirely reasonable feeling. And yes you're part of her work life but I'm sure she also cares about you and will miss working with you. A therapist who felt nothing at all for their clients wouldn't be much of a therapist.

I also think you have reason to be sad/angry about the lack of joined up care available. It's ridiculous that the NHS can't treat you because you have MH issues and an ED. Loads of people must have that combination.

I'm not trying to encourage you to wallow. But I'm also an outwardly "nice, gentle" person with some trauma in my past, and a wise person once told me it was important to find, feel and express my anger. Maybe by shouting, singing, writing, moving, whatever.

Maybe something along the lines of, I'm a fucking nice person, I deserved better than that evil fucker who was my dad, it's shit that my therapist is leaving, it's fucking pathetic that the NHS can't get it together to help me, and finally that person at work today was a total dick. Yeahhhh! (I'm not usually that sweary.) But maybe you can turn your anger away from yourself, which is not where it belongs.

I wish you the best OP.

Im so sorry you’re going through this. Can I ask what therapy you are having? For trauma I understand it’s very specific. CBT didn’t really work for me, but EMDR was amazing! Talking therapy didn’t work for me either the first time around, but around 4 years later, with a different therapist, it did. Have you read any of the work by Gabor Mate - his work on trauma really helped open my eyes and see myself differently - to be less harsh on myself.
also, Your anxiety sounds like it’s led to agoraphobia, and again, specific treatment is recommended for this. Mental health disorders are absolutely awful, but you sound like you have been through a very difficult childhood and so this is a natural response to very unnatural upbringing. As such, there is nothing wrong with you, it’s what happened to you that was wrong, please try and believe that.

OP, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time.

I want to suggest a few things.

First, you are catastrophising. You have done quite well recently, you have been outside to take out the rubbish, been to therapy and you have a job. All these things are things you have accomplished despite your anxiety, ED and so on. You are an articulate person. I also believe every person is valuable in the world. You are, too; you are not exempt from this. You won't convince me you are worthless, you very much are not.

Second, though, I think you are experiencing intense anxiety, possibly OCD and other issues, and it's this that's driving a lot of your fears and behaviours, because your sense of control and safety is quite fragile and you've made your world quite small to gain control of it and now that world itself is rocking. I found, when I was intensely anxious and having difficulties living every moment, that reading the work of Claire Weekes very helpful. She wrote classics like 'Self-help for your nerves' which are also available as audiobooks, and the key thing is that her technique can work on you even if you don't think it will! You can just listen to her audiobooks or read her books and that itself will help your mind even if you don't feel like anything will change. Slowly, over time, it will.

If you are living in a healthy body (which you achieved despite your ED issues), have a job and have been able to bond with someone, those are things you can do again.

I find reading self-help books like the ones I suggested a good way to occupy my mind when it is over-stressed and spiralling, others use music, or writing. The technique of writing every day for 20 minutes a day on the topic most upsetting you, for 5 days (the Pennebaker one) is also good advice. I then tear up the paper and throw it away.

I don't think there is one solution here, it will be a mixture of calming your nervous system down (it's suddenly got activated again by your therapist leaving), time passing, finding things to distract you, going to the new therapist (that's their job, so don't worry about them) and bit by bit things will shift again. It may be worth getting the referral in for the psychiatrist even if you don't get to go for 9 months, that's not a solution for now, but it may be worth discussing different options with your GP/whoever prescribes for you now as well as asking for a referral.

I wish you love and light, OP, it's a hard path but I think you can do it.

Sadly with my issues, unless waiting lists for different services align, there's not much else to do. The GP can't change or adjust my meds without any input from psychiatry, which is a long wait list. Psychiatry won't change it unless they've spoken to ED services. ED services won't offer advice unless they see me, which is again, a huge wait list.
I guess it isn't anyone's fault that I am the way I am. I was assessed for Bipolar some years ago, medicated for 6 months and felt tons better, more stable etc, but the doctor suddenly decided I didn't have it, stopped my meds and discharged me - said he was sending me to a clinic for people with personality disorders, which never materialised. When I contacted them (as requested by my GP at the time) they said they wouldn't see me as my BMI was too low and ED services needed to help. ED services said this wasn't their concern and it was for others to deal with.

Regarding therapy, I've had CBT, CPT, CAT, trauma focused CBT. Over the 14 years I've had therapy, the first year I was given 4 therapists, then moved on to an additional 2 when moved elsewhere and this has been the repeated pattern. I've never gone somewhere and had ONE therapist.

Every psychiatrist I've seen says 'Well, I don't know what to do with you' or something along those lines. Once I've been through every therapist/doctor in the service, I'm discharged because all options have been exhausted and it drains me. It really drains everything I have.

@Hamandcrispsandwich have you a diagnosis? There are a few things that really stand out for me from your posts. You sound like a really kind and caring person but with seriously (dangerously) low self esteem and severe abandonment. I really believe these things are fixable because I have experienced similar.

A lot of reading around on topics around these issues can help. Time to really and truly emotionally process that your Dad, like many shit Dads out there, was the problem never you. Time to truly feel his words until they have no power over you anymore and instead time to fill the role of protector to yourself that he could never fill.

It would be great if you could get this from a therapist, however I think a dynamic sets itself up where you go completely dependent in that dyad so actually that does not work for you. I think what would be better is if you could develop that from within.

One last thing you sound like you feel emotions incredibly deeply, that is often linked with neurodivergence, have you considered of that might be a possibility for you?

You do not deserve any of this pain, you are worthy and deserving of love and just because the people in your early life were lacking at showing you that does bid mean that in untrue mind yourself.

I know how you feel. I’m in a similar position OP. I’ve lost my psychiatrist and my therapist at short notice and I feel like I’m in limbo and not sure how to move forward. I’m in denial and think my psychiatrist will come back even though I know that is irrational.He really looked out for me and now I don’t have any support at all. I’ve been referred to another psychiatrist but I can’t face speaking to anyone else.

My Diagnosis (as it stands) are:
Depression
Anxiety
Anorexia
I had a bit of an episode a few years ago where I felt "signs" were out to get me, which is when I was diagnosed with Bipolar for 6 months and then swiftly told I didn't have it, medication stopped and discharged, so that is not a diagnosis.

I don't think much of myself. I can just about look in the mirror to clean my face. I can't look in a full length mirror. I look thin, I know how underweight I am, I in no way think I'm fat, but my whole body disgusts me. The fact I breathe can annoy me at times. If I were to be completely honest, in my opinion, I am an absolute waste of oxygen.
I feel like I am watching myself, I'm not actually me, if that makes sense.

I am very sensitive. I always have been. Since I was tiny, I've hated being told off. If anyone raises their voice at me, I cry. I always have. I remember once I was waiting for the bus. I just came out of hospital and went to get on it and (without realising) stood infront of a man. He didn't say a word, so I didn't realise and he pushed me so hard, I fell and hit my head. I deserved that. Everyone told me he was wrong, but even now, I still believe I deserved that and it serves me right for getting in his way.
It's always the fault of me. If someone's unwell, it's my fault. If someone leaves (like in this situation) it's me. I am always the problem. My client shouting at me, again, my fault. I didn't do anything, but it's still my fault. I deserved it.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you as well. You are welcome to message me any time if you need someone to talk too. My heart really does go out to you and I hope you get all the support you deserve at this difficult time x

That’s so kind of you.
It’s heartbreaking to read how you talk about yourself when you haven’t done anything wrong. It’s quite natural for you to feel devastated by your therapist leaving, it doesn’t make you a nasty or selfish person at all.
You have obviously been so damaged by your abusive childhood but you are still young and there is every hope that you will find another therapist who you can trust and who can help you heal and move forward with your life.
Could you speak to MIND for advice for the best way to get help with your ED and other MH issues. There may be ways that your GP is not aware of. It’s so disgusting that the waiting lists for NHS MH services are so long but there may be options to go out of area to reduce the waits.
You seem like a good and kind person and you deserve so much better for your future.
FWIW, I know how you feel about not enjoying anything as I’m the same. My life just consists of gritting my teeth and forcing myself to get up and keep going.Its relentless and exhausting.

That sounds so difficult @Hamandcrispsandwich I’m so sorry you are in that situation.i really do think autism is something you could consider. I don’t know if you know much about it but many autistic people are extremely sensitive, some of them with their senses but some of them emotionally which is what I’m seeing in your words. Also anorexia is very often comorbid in women and girls with autism.

It is so hard for you that you are experiencing all of this but honestly getting to the bottom of your own experiences and learning how best to manage your day to day experiences is always extremely helpful.

I really hope you make progress very soon, you sound like a lovely person and you deserve a nice peaceful life.

The issue with many ED services are they won't take people with a BMI below a certain number and mine is (and has been for years) below that. The one nearest me will see me, the next few closest will not.
Same with many MH services, everything regarding ED's is BMI dependent.

I've reached out to many charities previously, none of whom could help.

I didn't feel good this morning, around 4am, so I called the samaritans. Again, they quickly got fed up of me, I felt so sorry for them listening to me when there were others they could've been talking too, so I apologised, said goodbye and put the phone down.

I think maybe it's best I remain in my own little bubble, in my house with just me. I do think I'm designed to be by myself for as long as I'm on this earth, so that's what I'll do.

I've also decided that I'm going to cancel my last session. It's not fair for me to go and see her when I'm like this. I will leave a message with reception telling them that I do wish her the very best and to send my apologies.

Thank you all for your kindness. I am truly grateful and again, I really am sorry if I caused any upset. I didn't mean too x

It sounds like you might have rejection sensitivity disorder, I was reading about this yesterday as I think I have it (albeit in a milder form). Have you sought any diagnoses? Neurodiversity could also be linked.

Please don’t cancel your last session. It is important for you to go and voice how you are feeling and talk it through with her. These are quite understandable feelings so she won’t be shocked. What have you got to lose?
Also, keep posting here if it helps. That’s what the MH board is for - for people to support each other when they are struggling

I also agree you should read about rejection-sensitive dysphoria. Attend the therapy if you can, OP and continue there.

The NHS does not provide continuity of care at all, MH services are overwhelmed and fragmented and you are right people fall down the gaps, Where you are wrong is to think it's something about you. It is not, I don't know anyone who has got a consistent therapeutic input from MH services, adolescent or adult, and it's often more damaging getting promises that are then broken inevitability as there's not enough therapists, pathways or resources. ED services can be great to save your life, but beyond that, for long-term support, I'd try Beat. Or even consider getting a therapist/psychologist privately on a discounted basis who could work with you over the longer term, that's the only thing that has helped the people I know, the NHS has so little to offer.

I think ringing the Samaritains was a good idea, what they are there for and you don't need to stop doing that, that's their job and willingly volunteer to help people exactly like you.

It's a sticking plaster but I would go back to the GP, ask for those referrals even if they take years, discuss meds, and find ways through the everyday yourself- I suggested listening to the Claire Weekes audiobooks as I found this helpful but this could be different for everyone.

They are your therapist not your family.

Don’t cancel this session @Hamandcrispsandwich I don’t think cocooning yourself will help. Start reading books on anorexia recovery, start deciding how you want to change. Maybe start reading books on autism. Keep up your services but develop your self esteem and self reliance at the same time. You can do this.

I know this and as previously said, I mean no harm by any of this.
I know that she is my therapist.
I know that I am nothing in her life, but that doesn't mean she's nothing in mine.
She's perfectly entitled to do as she wishes and what's best for her and her life, it is none of my business and I've never said otherwise.
I am honestly so happy for her and I know she isn't my family, but I have nothing and nobody else in my life. When you spend every day since you were 6 years old having your father tell you that you're disgusting, a disappointment and nobody will ever remain in your life because of you, you do develop bonds with people who are good to you. I know that I'm a complete idiot for feeling like this and as I've said, I absolutely hate myself for it.

Please understand that I know this and I truly am grateful for everything she has done and always will be. All I asked was for support managing my own feelings regarding this because it isn't fair to put it on her. That's all I want people to understand.

Op, I completely sympathise with you. 💐

It’s an awful shock and you wouldn’t be human if you weren’t a bit taken aback. These things happen.

It’s worth considering that what you’re uncertain about with a new therapist - specifically the worrying stuff cos it’s natural to worry when there’s a change - won’t happen. We automatically think the worst, human nature innit. Worst Not true, though.

No reason to think New therapist will be worse or not understand you.

You have every reason to have confidence in the success of the new one - they’re trained, they’ll be briefed at length about you, you’ll grow a bond together.

Being sad about losing a helper is entirely normal but remember the person who made the progress is YOU. You’re getting a new therapist who can and will build on what you’ve done.

OP, you have had lots of compassionate and helpful replies, and have focused in on the one critical one. You are very sensitive to criticism and rejection, I agree with the other poster that said start reading around rejection sensitive dysphoria, books on MH and eating disorders, and start finding some chinks of light for yourself.

It's fine to be distressed about this therapist leaving, the chaos of the NHS makes people feel worse often. That said, you know you can bond with someone and they can help you- I think the signs of shifting your thinking will come over time.

I do think that there is something wrong with me beyond my current diagnosis. I've always said it to psychiatrists in the past, but it's always been "this is part of depression" or "people with Anorexia usually are sensitive, so you aren't abnormal"

I just feel so tired and beaten down. I've spent years doing this. I've spent time in hospital. I've tried to end my life before. The only response I seem to get is "Oh you seem very sad" or "sorry to hear that, but we can't help you. We'll send you to someone else" and the cycle repeats, so I am fed up. I just feel sick of this existence I have.
My eyes are in so much pain from crying.
My skin on my face is red and sore.
I am exhausted from waking up every hour.
I feel sick looking at the food in my house that I know I have to eat because I don't want to waste it.
A neighbour knocked on my door yesterday for something and when I answered, he asked me why I look so pale and exhausted.

I'm just tired. That's all. My world is tiny, so when someone leaves, it shatters me. It's on me, I know. I have only myself to blame

Stop criticising the OP! Of course she’s sensitive, she’s miserable ie not in a positive frame of mind.

We need rationality and realist input here, not rudeness.

You don’t have yourself to blame OP. Did you get the therapist pregnant?

Life is to blame, and that’s a universal condition we all have to hurdle now and then.

I think you might have misunderstood. Rejection-sensitive dysphoria is a part of ADHD and autism spectrum disorders and a well-recognised part of what people experience when their brains don't quite work neurotypically. My whole family are neurodiverse and we all have it, I can find criticism or people leaving very very difficult to take. I've found reading about others who think like me and my children and not seeing us as 'broken' very helpful. I also have a lot of experience supporting people with eating disorders and people with ED often present with anxiety, OCD, autism and neurodivergence which is under-recognised as ED 'only treat the eating' and don't manage the MH issues at all, which means we are a bit stuck from getting help in the system.

The OP isn't wrong at all for feeling upset and distressed. It's normal to feel unsettled when someone you trust and have come to bond with leaves your treatment.

Given how broken the NHS is, I think most people here, with the exception of perhaps one poster, are suggesting things for today and that don't depend fully on fragmented and often inaccessible services as well as to see her own value (you are very articulate person, OP).

I hope you find some way to get through the next few days and that the light at the end of the tunnel starts to shine a little brighter at some point.

What a lovely post.

Thank you for your kind words.
The clinic I go to for my therapy has 7 therapists. I've been there for years and have seen every single one.
It's not that I don't want a new one, it's that I've exhausted them all. Every single time I feel that I make any level of progress in therapy (in my opinion) I am met with "This isn't working, let's give you to X. They'll help more"
Even when I say no, I get told it isn't my choice and I can either take the new therapist or leave, so I just let them do whatever they want now.
I'm not even allowed trainee psychologists in my sessions because they don't think it's suitable for them. I'm not allowed newly qualified ones either, for the same reasons.

When I think back to my first therapist, she was great. I made such good progress, would go out, was much happier etc. After 6 sessions, she told me it had been decided I was moved to another therapist. No explanation. They knew my issues with people leaving and gave me to the pregnant therapist, who, of course, wasn't there long. I was then passed to another therapist, who was leaving, so I had 4 sessions with her and then I was discharged (without my knowledge) I was told a new therapist would call, they never did and then I found out I'd been discharged.

Where I am now, my last therapist went on holiday, we had an appointment booked, I turned up and she wasn't there. I was told she was off for 'a few weeks' which turned into 2 years. Just gone. She's back now, but even when I've said waved to her in the corridor, she just looks at me like she has no idea who I am and I don't know what happened.
The one I have now "might" return. If she does, I'll be passed back, but again, no idea if that will happen, so I have no answer