AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

[Hamandcrispsandwich]

Hello,
I just want to start by saying I'm not in any way a cruel or malicious person, so please don't think I am.
I am currently in a terrible way mentally and I need someone or something to pull me out of it. I have depression, anxiety and a severe, chronic eating disorder. I have had years of therapy, psychiatrists, psychologists etc and EVERY SINGLE ONE has passed me on to someone else to "deal with" because I'm "too complex"
I've never had a level of consistency that I so deeply crave. Ive always been abandoned because something better has come along. I do have a job and a few weeks ago, one of my clients got drunk and was horrendously abusive to me over the phone. They told me I'm disgusting, I make them feel sick and why are people like me even alive, I have no purpose etc. I quickly terminated that, but please understand that these are all things I think about myself, but hearing it from someone else deeply hurt.

Now, I've had a therapist for 2 years. I started to feel able to open up fully this year, which I have done and she said "I promise you I won't leave you" consistently over these few months. Fast forward to my last session and she's leaving. We have one more session and she's leaving to have a baby, so I will be passed on to someone else again.
I am broken. I cannot tell you the level of devastation I feel. I haven't eaten a meal since we spoke, i keep crying all throughout the day and I absolutely hate myself for it.
I am so happy for her, I really am thrilled that she is having a baby, but this is completely overtaken by my own feelings and I don't know what to do.

1. I will never have a baby or family of my own, but it is something I've always craved, however, I have to accept I can never have it and now she does.
2. Once again, something better has come along and I have to just accept it and understand that I'll never be of any value in others lives.
3. I am being handed to someone else who doesn't particularly want me
4. I have to accept that I am disposable and easily replaceable and always will be.

Please do understand that I really am a kind, caring, gentle person and I don't know why this keeps happening to me. I just don't know how to get out of it. All I want is to not feel this sad. I wish I could make this pain and mental distress go away, but I don't know how to do that. I have to stay alive because there are people relying on me and i dont want to cause them any upset. I can't tell anyone in real life because they'll think I'm pathetic, which I know I am, but I just find this pain unbearable. I've had years of this and finally thought it wouldn't happen again but here i am. I thought I'd find it easier, but this is the hardest.

This is all my own fault. She's handled this as best she can. She as the only one willing to try with me, so I am forever grateful, but I feel so defeated and I just need this pain to go. I have a headache, I feel sick, all I do is cry or lie in my bed like the waste of existence I am, I can't eat, can't sleep and I just feel like I'm a complete and utter waste of oxygen.

Thank you for reading and for any replies. I'm currently lying in bed, so I'll respond to anything when I get up (IF I fall asleep) x

You know, in a way they may actually be trying to make things easier for you with the way they are doing things.

Picture this. A client (you) comes to them and says how she gets attached and then feels bereft if that attachment ends. They think "oh, poor her, that must be so hard. Usually we'd asign one therapist for the whole duration, but if we do that she will form an attachment and then be bereft. Instead we'll assign several therapists only for a short time each, then she won't get too attached and won't feel bereft". In other words they are caring about you in the best way they can professionally.

How are you doing today OP?

I've had lots of people die in my life. I can cope better with someone dying than someone leaving - I guess because it isn't a choice.
One of my best friends died 11 years ago. She went on holiday and never came home. Once this happened, I developed terrible anxiety over people going on holiday and not returning.
I honestly thought that if someone went on holiday, they'd never come back, so I prepared myself for them not coming back every single time. After some years, I learnt to manage my feelings around it until my last therapist went away. I said goodbye and wished her a great holiday, told her I'd see her when she was back. She never returned. I remember the words of her colleague (a therapist I'd previously seen who knew my history)
"She's not dead but she's not back"
I was told I'd be transferred back to her when she returned. That didn't happen.
I was told I needed to return to her group sessions when she was back - nobody told me.
She has her previous clients, I've seen them. I've seen her with them. They attend her group sessions. Things like this make me think the issue is me.

On several occasions, I've been told "We can't treat you until you get to X weight"
I do everything asked of me because I know I need help.
Every single time I get close (or reach) the target, I get told "We can't help you, we're referring you elsewhere" and it never happens. I would never say to someone "if you leave me, I'll skip my next meal" because that's wrong. That isn't fair. This also makes me think I am the problem.

My current therapist doesn't often address my weight. We don't talk about food unless I bring it up and it has started increasing BUT last time I saw her, she weighed me, THEN told me she was leaving and there is no idea what will happen or whether she'll return.

Think of my world as a bubble. There are maybe 5 people in my bubble. They're inside my bubble with me, so I keep them close - they can only come in when I KNOW they are safe. When this happens, we are stable, so I can eat. When they leave, my bubble is burst, leaving me exposed, feeling threatened, unsafe and anxious. I now need to rebuild my bubble, but this time, it is smaller, so I have to be smaller in order to fit.
I have to do this repeatedly and it is exhausting. It drains every ounce of energy I do have.
I use food to gain this control back. When I eat less, I feel less. I become numb to the world around me - something no medication has ever done.

A bubble of four is quite positive though, I thought you were completely alone.
You probably feel numb when you are eating less because your brain isn’t getting enough nutrients to function properly. That’s not going to help you make progress with your therapy and with improving your life

No advice but psilocybin alongside therapy is meant to be hugely effective for treating EDs

I am completely alone. The 4 in my bubble was just an example - I have 2 in my bubble, but they are who I care for, so they are there because they're in my life. The 3rd one is one work client and the 4th is my therapist. The people in my bubble are purely people in my life, not people I can actually speak to - sorry, I should've made that clear! X

Never heard of it - will have a look.
Thank you

I can understand this and yes it makes sense to me.

I would be far better off if I were told in advance though (where possible) so I could, in the best way possible, prepare myself and I wasnt left the way I am now. Just so I had some more time I guess, instead of "I'll see you once more and I'm off"

I'm also very aware that I have no right to know what's going on in their personal lives, so they don't have to tell me anything. This year was the year I finally decided to tell her the true extent of what my life was like - nobody knows apart from me and it does (although it isn't) feel like this is the reason why she's off - I know it isn't obviously, but it can feel like this.

When I think back to who I've told, they've all gone shortly after (or handed me to someone else)
Therapist one had 1 more session then handed me to therapist 2, who after 1 session told me she was going on leave, Therapist 3 had 4 sessions with me (we were booked for 12, but she was leaving) and Therapist 4 had 2 sessions, told me she couldn't help me and discharged me.
Therapist 5 had 3 and when I turned up to the fourth, another therapist came down. I was told my usual one was busy so couldn't see me, at the end of the session, I was told she'd call me to book further appointments - never happened. Turned out I was discharged on that day and didn't know for 8 months.

I know it's because I hate me for everything, I expect them to hate me as well.
Through my life, people often leave when they no longer "need" me. Once my purpose is served, they've got whatever it is they wanted/needed, they're off. One friend really struggled during lockdowns, we spoke every single day, on the phone, met up (when allowed) and then one day, never heard from them again. They didn't need or want my company any more.

This is all my problem. I know that. I'm just tired of it. Tired of feeling abandoned. Tired of people leaving me. Tired of having nothing in my life and I'm just so tired of waking up every single day wondering when this will ever stop. Sometimes, I'm even tired of waking up.

@Hamandcrispsandwich if you’re still reading consider having a medication review

close family member is on Velafaxine, she so relaxed and happy , she was close to suicide before

setraline is basic, if it’s not right it might actually be very wrong for you

sending hugs x

Thank you.
I've had sertraline for the past 8 years. Before that, when they said I had Bipolar, I was given Quatiapine, which I felt fine on, but they swiftly stopped that when I went for my final appointment - I turned up and was told I no longer had Bipolar, so couldn't take any meds and discharged.

They didn't give me a plan of how to come off them, just told me I couldn't take them anymore, so I just stopped them as I had no further prescriptions and couldn't get any.

I hope your family member is doing well now. X

Yes she’s doing fantastic ! She was so bad before it was crazy to watch her go down like this , I pushed for her to go to consultant

he put her on Venlafaxine but because of her situation he put her on medium-high strength ; it took a good 3-4 weeks , and her body reacted really bad at the beginning , now she’s the happiest I ve seen last 40++ years

what they gave you before is for schizophrenia so assuming you don’t have that it’s great you’re not on jt . But setraline is the basic one that NHS gives when you’re first diagnosed … honestly it does nothing to some

You should 100% feel better than how you’re portraying here, when you’re on the rights meds. These thoughts that you’re not liked, you’re alone, you’re dependant, they’re all part of a brain that doesn’t work the best. It’s not you my dear, it’s just that brain (similar to my adhd brain that doesn’t behave properly 😉); you really must push for new meds

is this in NHS? Do you have anyone close who can push for you? Otherwise can you afford to go private ? Some online psychiatric services are much cheaper than office based xx

Yeah it's on the NHS.
The thing is, to get new meds, I have to be referred back to the psychiatry team, which is an 8+ month wait list.
They will not do anything unless they have input from the eating disorder team.
The eating disorder team will not provide advice etc unless they've seen me - the wait list for that is 18 months, so unless there is a way of making the timings align, I could be looking at waiting 2+ years.
My GP can not make any medication adjustments due to my weight (as per psychiatrists advice)
My eating disorder unit is the only one that will see me due to my BMI.
Psychiatry won't address my eating disorder because my BMI is too low.

I have looked into private treatment - many won't take me because of the medical complications that can come with my BMI. I have none as of yet, but I guess that can change instantly.
I'm also under clinics out of area as my local ones won't see me.

Sorry if I sound vague, I don't want to put specific figures on here to avoid upsetting others x

This. This is how I healed the most.

I'm glad you managed to get out of it. I hope you are doing well now

most psychiatrists have dealt with more complex scenarios than you’re , I’m certain you ll find someone who can take you on

have you explored ? I am more than happy to look for you…

the nhs situation you’re describing sound so horrible, personally no way I’d wait that long x

@Hamandcrispsandwich if that was me or for close family member, I’d book here https://psychiatry-uk.com/private-patients/
under General Adult services (chose depression /bipolar) and I’d book an appointment with Greek doctor Alexandros Chatziagorakis (I ve never been patient but he’s well known in Greek community )

totally up to you, but you have the option to take a big step towards recovery … it can be rubbish or it can lead to somewhere great ! xx

I have explored previously, but the fees were extortionate and the complexities that come with an ED were something many weren't prepared to take on/weren't covered for.

I know I'm ill, but that doesn't excuse my needy, clingy behaviour. I just wish I wasn't in my own head sometimes.
I wish I could just say goodbye instead of crying for hours over something I can't do anything about every day.

I'll look into that, thank you.

@BrentfordForever Quatiapine is a commonly used drug for bipolar - but it doesn't really sound like OP shows much sign of bipolar, and it'd be a slog to get a diagnosis for that if one has been actively withdrawn.

@Hamandcrispsandwich I am really sorry you feel like this. For what it's worth, I saw a lot of therapists in my early 20s, and had the same situation... they'd push me to talk about my family, and my parents, and then I'd inevitably be moved to a new therapist, and the same would happen again. On three separate occasions, the therapist had to take time out while I was talking. In one of those, she threw up, in another, she left the room and what felt like a lifetime later, the receptionist came in and said she was unable to finish the session and someone else would be in touch with me. They never were.

I was absolutely lost in my tiny world. My ED went the other day and I hoarded food and ate too much, because it gave me the tiny slithers of happiness, and I felt in control of choosing what to eat, at least...

I'm in my mid 30s now. I have two children, a husband, friends. I still have anxiety sometimes and raging RSD, but for the most part, I'm unrecognisable from before. I can't say I've hugely processed the family stuff... but before I had the children, I'd moved past it enough that it almost felt it happened to "another" me. I'm not sure how healthy that is; but it's how it is! Nobody could cope with hearing the details to help me, and nobody felt they could help without hearing the details, so it felt like the only way forward was to not need to process it.

I'm not sure the specific ways I did it will help you. I had to give up my remote job and force myself into an office. Then days out... I started going out at 10 (because it's quieter then!) and making myself stay out until 12, then 2, then 4, then the whole day. It was mentally exhausting to start with but it expanded my world ten-fold, and it gave more opportunities for tiny positive interactions with people like baristas. Ironically I work remotely again now because it works better with my life, but the office stint did me a lot of good.

Throwing myself into causes helped - learning about things, volunteering, things that are very much not about me. I learned to train guide dogs. I started by washing them and supervising them playing, and then became a trainer. They offered me a job at the end - I didn't take it, but it was validating, and it was time that my brain couldn't turn over what I'd been told. By the end, it was time that directly contradicted what my brain said. How could I be useless if I was training dogs? If I was doing good?

It was a long slog, I don't want to pretend it wasn't, but I'm so far through the other side now, and it's so worth it. I can barely remember the days I spent locked in my bedroom in a rented house because my world was so, so small.

I would also explore autism. Support for that could be life-changing for you, if it applies, and I've heard that Quatiapine can sometimes temporarily assist with symptoms - it's a form of masking, I think, but I saw that it'd sometimes been effective for 12/18 months and that's something you could explore, alongside help for what you're struggling with now. In my experience, there may not be a way to process everything that happened, but you can absolutely change your own outlook. Brains are immensely powerful but you can control yours, you can.

It's valid to just feel the pain for a bit too, though.

I hope you're doing okay today. Remember that each meal is a step towards freedom from this, in whatever guise that takes for you.

I've never had a level of consistency that I so deeply crave. Ive always been abandoned because something better has come along.

This stood out for me and I wondered whether (although you clearly have several really distressing difficulties with which you genuinely need consistent support), one of your difficulties might be a horror of abandonment/rejection. I felt that that horror might be heightening your response to ordinary situations in which people move on, or move away from one another, or suggest more suitable sources of help.

You feel that you are 'disgusting' because of something that has been done to you, and you fear that people in your life whose support you need shy away because of that. It isn't true, though. It is especially not true of therapists because their job is precisely to deal with this sort of situation.

People have their own needs, lives, obstacles, limitations, and their behaviour is shaped by these, not by you.

This latest episode of feeling abandoned by a therapist should be something you work on. You could explore it with the replacement therapist. It could be a really useful opportunity to deal with an issue that is clearly very fundamental for you.

What a lovely post ❤️

Yes, that is one of my big issues.
I will do ANYTHING for someone to not leave me. As sad as that is, it's the truth. I've not been put in that situation before, but, as an example, if someone told me to pay them £5000 for them to never leave, I know I'd do it. I'd get into silly amounts of debt just for them to stay.

I know people have their own lives and they have to do what's best for them and realistically, I am nobody to these people. Just because someone has value in my life, doesn't mean I do in theirs. Every single time someone leaves, I think "but what about me?" And then I think "Well, who are you? You're nobody to anyone" and that's the sad truth.

I've never left anyone. I've put up with people walking in and out of my life, treating me like shit, using me for whatever they want, doing whatever they like to me because in my head, it doesn't matter, as long as they stay.

I've been through this with every therapist/psychiatrist/doctor I've ever seen and I get the same response time and time again, which is either "that's normal" or "Well that's just you" and it isn't normal. I'm tired of explaining it to them. How is it normal to cry every single day for hours for 15 days straight because someone is living their life and doing what makes them happy?
It's normal to be upset, but to be so devastated you feel horrendous physical pain and can't function isn't. To be so, so broken that someone is going off to embark on such a beautiful, happy journey is not normal. I am so truly happy for her though, as I said above, she deserves every inch of happiness and I truly wish her the very, very best in this life. I would never want anyone to be unhappy because of me

That's so lovely to hear. I am so pleased you came out the other side and you're doing much better now.

If I am to be totally honest here, I am reliant on my ED. It's the one level of consistency I have. It doesn't leave me ever unless I decide it does. It's not something anyone can take away from me either. It's the one thing in my life that is mine.

I don't know why they ever diagnosed me with Bipolar. I was just in a good place at the time after being extremely low.
I honestly think they didn't know what to do with me, so they threw a diagnosis down, withdrew it, said they were sending me elsewhere, discharged me and left me because that's exactly what they did.

I know there are things I'm good at, such as my job, caring responsibilities etc, but my answer is always "Yes, but there are others that can do it too"
My life feels like it's fallen apart in such a short space of time, my friend passed away, my client did what they did and now this. It feels like loss after loss after loss and who's the common denominator - me.

I'm just tired of trying. I'm tired of functioning. I called samaritans yesterday, I was just sitting, staring out of the window, listening to her speak and a cat came by, so I said "there's a lovely little cat outside, do you like cats?"
That didn't end well, so I said bye and put the phone down, took myself to bed and spent the rest of the day in bed crying because again, I messed up. I can't even get things right over the phone.

I know people have their own lives and they have to do what's best for them and realistically, I am nobody to these people. Just because someone has value in my life, doesn't mean I do in theirs.

When people act on their own priorities, or respond to events/limitations/etc in their own lives, it doesn't mean that you are "nobody to these people". They are likely to care about you, like you, and respect the reality of your needs and your positive qualities. It's just that you aren't central to their decision making.

When you relentlessly focus on how their decisions allegedly reflect how disgusting, unimportant and worthless you are, you are being extremely unkind to yourself. But it also feels like a little bit of silent aggression to the people who leave you. In your head (and I don't mean to imply that you actually do this in the real world), you are saying that it is cruel and hostile and judgemental of them to leave you. That's a way of pressuring them to stay with you.

I do understand why you get caught in that narrative, because you are dealing with such a lot. I just thought it might be a useful thing to focus on, because it is probably easier to start trying to let go of unkindness towards others than it is to let go of unkindness towards yourself.

It is so sad when people leave me. It breaks me in ways I never thought possible. I was on such a good path - okay, I wasn't a healthy weight, but I never ever thought for a second that I'd go back to these behaviours. I was accepting of my life, I was content and now everything has fallen apart and I have to sit here and just deal with it.

I am angry when people leave me. I feel like I'm a good, kind person who would do anything for anyone, but if that were the truth, I wouldn't constantly be alone. People wouldn't keep walking in and out of my life.

As I said, nobody ever knows I feel like this and I wouldn't make it known at all. I would never, ever say it to someone. I feel like it's not fair.

I have a huge problem with being consistent with medication - I can take it daily for years, but as soon as something happens that upsets me (which isn't difficult!), I'll take it whenever i feel like it. I'll miss doses deliberately in order to punish myself for being so sad. Like I deserve no level of happiness.

Right now, I hate myself for being so sad about this. She is so, so happy and I am pleased for her, so I really, really despise myself for being so sad that I can't even eat. For being so sad that I can't even open the front door because someone will ask me why my eyes are red. For being so sad that the skin on my face is so sore from crying for hours during the day.

I'm not at all annoyed at her, I'm the problem. I really do wish the best for everyone, but I don't know how many more times I can tolerate this.

You sound so lovely OP but just having such a shitty, shitty time.

I know people have suggested neurodiversity with rsd or attachment disorder and a doctor previously suggested bipolar but to me this all screams borderline personality disorder really. really loudly (and I think you said a psych previously suggested it - but then it didn't go anywhere).

A history of terrible trauma, a fear of abandonment so strong that you would pay someone 5k to stick around, overwhelming emotional responses to situations, impulsive behaviours and self harming (not taking your meds, eating disorder), very low self esteem and self image, viewing yourself as the problem or the reason negative things happen, periods of paranoia where you think things are out to get you, feeling your house is your only safe place.

IMO OP you are ticking so many boxes, I wouldn't rule out neurodiversity if you sibling is ND - but being ND just puts people at a higher risk of developing BPD.
The medication used for Bipolar disorder can also help people with BPD feel better apparently, which I think you said happened in your case.

I really think you need to chase up on the psych that suggested a personality disorder if that is in any way possible OP. Hopefully so you can get DBT which might help you more than whatever you're having now. EMDR can also really help with the underlying trauma and attachment wounds.

It was really, really wrong of the therapist to give you the impression let alone state that she would never leave you, in fact this whole thing feels a bit off to me. I don't think her behaviour sounds very professional or very beneficial to you. Please go back to the psych OP even if it is a wait and get a proper diagnosis, this isn't a bit of depression and anxiety. You deserve to get the right diagnosis and the right treatment. I'm sorry the NHS is so fucking shite.