AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

[Hamandcrispsandwich]

Hello,
I just want to start by saying I'm not in any way a cruel or malicious person, so please don't think I am.
I am currently in a terrible way mentally and I need someone or something to pull me out of it. I have depression, anxiety and a severe, chronic eating disorder. I have had years of therapy, psychiatrists, psychologists etc and EVERY SINGLE ONE has passed me on to someone else to "deal with" because I'm "too complex"
I've never had a level of consistency that I so deeply crave. Ive always been abandoned because something better has come along. I do have a job and a few weeks ago, one of my clients got drunk and was horrendously abusive to me over the phone. They told me I'm disgusting, I make them feel sick and why are people like me even alive, I have no purpose etc. I quickly terminated that, but please understand that these are all things I think about myself, but hearing it from someone else deeply hurt.

Now, I've had a therapist for 2 years. I started to feel able to open up fully this year, which I have done and she said "I promise you I won't leave you" consistently over these few months. Fast forward to my last session and she's leaving. We have one more session and she's leaving to have a baby, so I will be passed on to someone else again.
I am broken. I cannot tell you the level of devastation I feel. I haven't eaten a meal since we spoke, i keep crying all throughout the day and I absolutely hate myself for it.
I am so happy for her, I really am thrilled that she is having a baby, but this is completely overtaken by my own feelings and I don't know what to do.

1. I will never have a baby or family of my own, but it is something I've always craved, however, I have to accept I can never have it and now she does.
2. Once again, something better has come along and I have to just accept it and understand that I'll never be of any value in others lives.
3. I am being handed to someone else who doesn't particularly want me
4. I have to accept that I am disposable and easily replaceable and always will be.

Please do understand that I really am a kind, caring, gentle person and I don't know why this keeps happening to me. I just don't know how to get out of it. All I want is to not feel this sad. I wish I could make this pain and mental distress go away, but I don't know how to do that. I have to stay alive because there are people relying on me and i dont want to cause them any upset. I can't tell anyone in real life because they'll think I'm pathetic, which I know I am, but I just find this pain unbearable. I've had years of this and finally thought it wouldn't happen again but here i am. I thought I'd find it easier, but this is the hardest.

This is all my own fault. She's handled this as best she can. She as the only one willing to try with me, so I am forever grateful, but I feel so defeated and I just need this pain to go. I have a headache, I feel sick, all I do is cry or lie in my bed like the waste of existence I am, I can't eat, can't sleep and I just feel like I'm a complete and utter waste of oxygen.

Thank you for reading and for any replies. I'm currently lying in bed, so I'll respond to anything when I get up (IF I fall asleep) x

Thank you for this.
I have a sibling who is neurodiverse. They can get upset when people leave, but never to the same extent as me.
When they're upset, they are very open about it. I'm very quiet. I've always been quiet. They're very outgoing, unlike me.

They're also very happy, however, they don't have the same issues I have, so that could be why.

It is appalling that you have been treated so poorly. I guess you have already explored the option of private therapy? I don’t know your financial situation but some offer reduced fees so it doesn’t have to be expensive and you are likely to get more continuity of care privately.

My brain went to ND and RSD a couple of the OPs posts in. It's exhausting for the sufferer and tricky to deal with for those trying to fit in their lives. Sometimes nothing you say meets that particular need of not abandoning them and you do get tired of it because it never stops. Then it's 'i knew you would leave me, you said you wouldn't, I'm.a peace of shit' when in reality, having someone in your life in a meaningful way can be hard work when it's all of the time. You get weary of the self criticisms and need for validation.

Unfortunately nobody can rescue people who live with it, it has to come from them. Coping mechanisms put in place.

You don't have to leave the house to have a social life these days. There's a variety of different interests online. You can even travel the world in VR on a meta quest. Visit space, meditation and nice calming environments. No leaving the house required.

I actually think your therapist was wrong to tell you ‘I will never leave’ etc. as this is completely unrealistic.

Therapists are supposed to be trained to put in place boundaries, knowing that many clients develop a dependency on them - which is understandable given you trust them with your most vulnerable feelings etc.

She should have been helping you with the tools to not need her.

I’m sorry you are struggling OP, life can be very lonely sometimes - I have a few good friends, but they are often busy with their families, and I’m not close to my siblings.

I went for an assessment with a private therapist previously, but was told that my BMI was too low, so I'd have to be an inpatient as they wouldn't feel comfortable seeing me as an outpatient.

I didn't go elsewhere after that. I did look into one that an old friend was at, but again, the insurance doesn't cover anyone with a BMI under a certain number, so that was also a no.

I guess when I say the responsibility is on me, I mean that I should've been more aware that this would happen. It's not as if this hasn't happened previously and I suppose I feel stupid.

My world is very, very small and I don't let people in easily.
I have minimal family that I don't discuss my feelings too, I have no friends and I'm very much in what I describe a bubble, so my life is very lonely.
I like people, but for me, they can't be trusted.
I've always wanted a child of my own, but that will never happen (I am certain of that) so I guess I'm just trying my best to exist every minute of every day.
I honestly am trying my best right now, I really am x

I’ve PM’ed you

I definitely see the same as you. @Hamandcrispsandwich there is a lot of good advice here.

You absolutely are and changes can be a tweak at a time so not dramatic overhauls. Just little manageable steps.

I am very grateful to you all. You've all been very kind to me - I know I'm not the easiest person to listen to/help/deal with, but I am very, very thankful to you all.

I've not had a meal as of yet, but maybe soon
I had a smoothie instead, which is better than nothing I guess

Well done on the smoothie, bit by bit, step by step. It sounds like this came as real shock to you and you spiralled, but your body and mind will settle again.

A smoothie sounds a great idea. I’m sorry you’re so distressed at the moment OP but every post is focussed on you and your feelings. All you think about it how YOU are perceived by others, how YOU are hurting, how YOU have suffered. The world is not kind, most people will have suffered trauma, or are currently suffering trauma. Your therapist might be having silent battles herself which she hasn’t discussed with you. There may be problems with the pregnancy or she may be preparing for a risky birth. Of course it could all be going swimmingly as well. The point is, life is hard and life is shit for most people. Sometimes it’s great, other times it’s so so hard to carry on. But I will say, what are you bringing to this world? Are you thinking of others and helping people or animals in need? I think focussing on helping others with their problems might help you focus less on your own problems. Even small things to help others in the world. Plant some window boxes to feed the bees, put a window feeder up to feed the birds. Volunteer at a school to read with children every week. Volunteer at a local cat charity to sit with the cats and stroke them so they’re not lonely waiting for their new home. Crochet a post box topper to bring a smile to a strangers face. Paint a rock for a child to find on their walk. Hide a geocache outside your flat and see how quickly and how often people come to search for it. All these things will bring little pockets of joy to others. Someone local to me has taken control of a forgotten council flowerbed and they keep stocking it with plants and keep it watered. It is so beautiful! What can you do to help others around you? The power is in your hands to change your life and the life of others.

I’m sure you mean well but I don’t think it is helpful to the OP to imply that she should be thinking of others more at the moment. She is struggling with serious mental illness and is also physically very unwell due to her ED.
I think she needs support and encouragement and I’m actually in awe of her that she is managing to work when she is so ill.

I know how I sound.
I know I sound like a selfish cow.
I have addressed this multiple times throughout this thread - I hate myself for feeling like this. I could not hate myself any more than I do, I really couldn't.
I know people have things far worse off than I do.
I am so, so happy for her. She deserves all the happiness in the world, but I am also very sad to be losing her. She is a huge part of my life and I will always be grateful to her for everything.

I am always thinking of others. I do help others. I never ignore a phone call from someone, if they need help, I will if I can. I'm always available to help another if they need me.
I have a job and caring responsibilities.

As I said, I don't think much of myself. I've said im kind etc, but I am a waste of oxygen in my opinion and if it wasn't for my caring responsibilities, I probably wouldn't be here.

@Hamandcrispsandwich I think you are very good with writing. You've conveyed how you feel and even how you understand why you are feeing and acting that way here very comprehensively to complete strangers. I do hope that you take up the journaling idea and that you are able to connect with another therapist as well. It's also quite clear in your posts that you are indeed a very kind-hearted person, so really no need to keep apologising to anyone for how they might react to you. Also, I know you don't have access to a garden space, but if you've got a windowsill, you might want to try growing basil or another plant since you enjoyed the gardening sessions you did have. I sincerely wish you well in your journey to good mental and physical health.

Oh mate, I wish I could give you a massive hug! You sound like a lovely kind person who is in a very dark place. NO ONE, least of all someone as thoughtful as you, is a waste of oxygen.

Can you try to picture yourself as you were when you were a little girl, and give that little girl all the love and support all children deserve? She will have believed all the hateful things her father told her, but he was wrong and spiteful and awful. What an amazingly strong person she/you are, to come through that and be so thoughtful about others when he set such a dreadful example.

Have you got an attachment disorder?

If youve had a lot of therapy why have you learned that would help you?

Lovely post

OP can you see that you're twisting things to be negative towards yourself.

You said all your therapists referred you because things weren't working. But actually, two were pregnant, one was leaving anyway, and one had 2 years away from the organisation. These events were no reflection on you at all.

Just as an experiment - can you try changing your statements about yourself? So when you catch yourself saying "all my therapists passed me on because I'm unworthy/untreatable" just see how it feels to instead say "I've seen a few different therapists because some have changed jobs or gone on maternity leave".

As another example you said "I never ignore a phone call from someone ... I'm always available to help another if they need me ... I have a job and caring responsibilities". Then you said "I am a waste of oxygen in my opinion". This is clearly not true at all, it's clear you're a busy, kind and conscientious person. Again can you change the narrative e.g ... "I have my issues but you know what, I hold down a job, I have caring responsibilities, and I'm generally a nice, kind person who deserves to have as good a life as possible".

I think some of my issue is my lack of understanding of these situations.
I am always open and upfront with these people regarding my issues with people leaving and yet they chose to give me to the ones that aren't staying long.

In hospital, there were over 20 patients - every patient had one therapist for the duration of their time. I had four. Four in under a year. I cant help but think that I'm the problem. They give me to those not staying long because I'm such a nuisance. I always ask, but I'm never given a reason.
Sometimes I get told "Oh well, it's life" or "Well, you knew X was leaving. You should've prepared yourself "

I know I'm not an easy person to deal with. I do always make this clear to them because it's not fair to put myself on them. They might not want to deal with me and that's completely understandable.

I am honestly thinking of her here, not myself.
I don't want to add any stress to her.
I just want her to be happy.
I just want her to be okay.

I'm so sad she's leaving but I'm more furious at myself. I shouldn't have bonded and should've been more aware that this would happen - it's not like it hasn't happened multiple times before.

Sounds like the patient/therapist roles have been blurred, which is really unprofessional she ahould never of promised you that.

Nothing in life is permanent, no matter how hard that is to accept. People come and go, their situations change and your situation changes. People grow and develop. People die. People move house. People start families. People leave their first family and make a new family. People leave therapy and get a school job to fit around school holidays. It’s not a reflection on you, it’s just life. They’re not rejecting you, they’re just living their lives. Just looking back to my wedding 10 years ago, 2 people have died and a whole group of close friends are now more like acquaintances. I don’t feel abandoned, it’s just life! You needed to stop hating yourself for people living their lives. It’s not a reflection on you and your trauma.

My DM takes everything personally and I’ve always struggled with supporting her. If she sees someone familiar in the supermarket and they don’t say hello she’ll fall out with them and wonder what has gone wrong. My immediate thought is “maybe they’ve got a massive spot on their face or they’re having a bad day. Maybe they’re wearing scruffy clothes because they weren’t expecting to see anyone and are embarrassed.” You don’t have to turn it on yourself and think it’s something you’ve done wrong. You don’t have to hate yourself or blame yourself because they’re having a bad day.

I think you are much too hard on yourself. It is the nature of the therapeutic relationship that you need to trust the therapist and are likely to become reliant on their support to some extent. I am devastated that my psychiatrist has left his job as I was (possibly over)dependent on him to look out for me and keep me safe.
I also think it is highly unlikely that you have been passed between therapists because you are difficult to deal with although I understand why you would think that, given the low opinion you have of yourself.
You speak in very black and white terms too. You are not nothing to your therapist and she is probably well aware that you will feel abandoned and she will be sorry to be leaving you in your vulnerable state. I remember being surprised when my therapist said that she had been worrying about me between sessions as it hadn’t occurred to me that she would give me a second thought.
Im no expert but I really think you need to try to address your extremely low BMI before you will be in a position mentally to handle therapy. I really wish you all the best as it is heartbreaking to see how you think and talk about yourself. Despite what you think, you deserve a happy fulfilling life and you are still young enough for that to happen. x

I think I do, although never diagnosed.
I've seen plenty of psychiatrists and they all know, I've mentioned it to them, but they just say it's normal.

I don't think it's normal at all. I've always said I think I have one, it's the first thing I mention every time I see a new one, but no diagnosis is ever made