AIBU to feel this devastated? I just want this pain to go

[Hamandcrispsandwich]

Hello,
I just want to start by saying I'm not in any way a cruel or malicious person, so please don't think I am.
I am currently in a terrible way mentally and I need someone or something to pull me out of it. I have depression, anxiety and a severe, chronic eating disorder. I have had years of therapy, psychiatrists, psychologists etc and EVERY SINGLE ONE has passed me on to someone else to "deal with" because I'm "too complex"
I've never had a level of consistency that I so deeply crave. Ive always been abandoned because something better has come along. I do have a job and a few weeks ago, one of my clients got drunk and was horrendously abusive to me over the phone. They told me I'm disgusting, I make them feel sick and why are people like me even alive, I have no purpose etc. I quickly terminated that, but please understand that these are all things I think about myself, but hearing it from someone else deeply hurt.

Now, I've had a therapist for 2 years. I started to feel able to open up fully this year, which I have done and she said "I promise you I won't leave you" consistently over these few months. Fast forward to my last session and she's leaving. We have one more session and she's leaving to have a baby, so I will be passed on to someone else again.
I am broken. I cannot tell you the level of devastation I feel. I haven't eaten a meal since we spoke, i keep crying all throughout the day and I absolutely hate myself for it.
I am so happy for her, I really am thrilled that she is having a baby, but this is completely overtaken by my own feelings and I don't know what to do.

1. I will never have a baby or family of my own, but it is something I've always craved, however, I have to accept I can never have it and now she does.
2. Once again, something better has come along and I have to just accept it and understand that I'll never be of any value in others lives.
3. I am being handed to someone else who doesn't particularly want me
4. I have to accept that I am disposable and easily replaceable and always will be.

Please do understand that I really am a kind, caring, gentle person and I don't know why this keeps happening to me. I just don't know how to get out of it. All I want is to not feel this sad. I wish I could make this pain and mental distress go away, but I don't know how to do that. I have to stay alive because there are people relying on me and i dont want to cause them any upset. I can't tell anyone in real life because they'll think I'm pathetic, which I know I am, but I just find this pain unbearable. I've had years of this and finally thought it wouldn't happen again but here i am. I thought I'd find it easier, but this is the hardest.

This is all my own fault. She's handled this as best she can. She as the only one willing to try with me, so I am forever grateful, but I feel so defeated and I just need this pain to go. I have a headache, I feel sick, all I do is cry or lie in my bed like the waste of existence I am, I can't eat, can't sleep and I just feel like I'm a complete and utter waste of oxygen.

Thank you for reading and for any replies. I'm currently lying in bed, so I'll respond to anything when I get up (IF I fall asleep) x

OP you come across as a very kind, empathetic person who is clearly intelligent. My heart breaks that you think of yourself so poorly. I recognise the self loathing you have and need for control in my son who had an eating disorder but thankfully is doing much better now. You’ll have heard this a million times before but at an extremely low weight, food is your medicine. I didn’t believe this when the ED team said this to me about my son. I thought it was ridiculous. He was anxious and had OCD but gradually he gained weight and gradually his mental state improved. Now he’s not perfect (who is) and still suffers from anxiety, but he’s no longer gripped by thoughts constantly of self hatred. This probably isn’t very helpful as I do appreciate how infinitely difficult it is to fight your thoughts and eat when everything inside is screaming to stop but I want you to know things aren’t hopeless and you have value and worth and absolutely deserve to feel safe and happy. Sending my love x

OP you are incredibly brave to share your thoughts and feelings and I hope that you find a healing path.

Many other people have offered their support, insight and advice - they see your value. I have learnt to “be my own friend” when I am having feelings of inadequacy / feeling useless etc. I imagine what I would say to a friend who is experiencing what I am feeling and it helps me process the emotions so I can move forward.

And when I am struggling to do something for myself, I try and tell myself that it is my gift to me. Can’t find it in me to do all the laundry? My gift is to pack away the underwear I washed so that my morning is that little bit better. I appreciate that it is really easy to say be kind to yourself and so very much harder to do. Can you find something kind to do for yourself? Play a song which makes you smile?

I don’t wish to diminish your challenges because none of us truly know what it is like to be someone else. I do want you to know that you have value and I wish I had the power to make it better.

Yes I know it’s for bipolar I think I said it on my post , I mentioned to see a consultant for depression not bipolar, I indicated a specific drug that has better success

Thank you for your kind words.
I have always known something isn't right with me. I thought about BPD. I was told I was being referred to a personality disorders unit, however, it never materialised. I did ask why, but was given no answer.

I was told by a psychiatrist once that I can't have BPD because there is a common symptom that I don't have - I don't push people away before they leave me, I cling to them, but I don't know too much about that.

I really would do anything for people to stay in my life. I've even thought that she might not leave if I'm really sad at the appointment, which I know is ridiculous.

I do develop severe attachments to one person and they can be so severe, such as in this case, that when they leave (whether that is temporary or permanent) I think about just ending everything. There is no purpose to me beyond that person. These attachments are always to people in a position of power - I never develop them for a friend or someone my age, it's either a therapist, doctor, teacher etc.

I can miss days of medication and then double up on it. I can take tablets just to knock me out to stop the pain. I've barely slept, I can usually sleep a whole night as well as nap during the day, but now I wake multiple times during the night and can't sleep during the day.
I woke at 3am last night and just lie there crying silently for 3 hours before I had to get up.

I wish I could describe this pain I feel, it's like something inside me is broken and the only thing that can fix it is her, but whether I like it or not, she is going and there's nothing I can do. The pain can't be aimed at her because she's done nothing wrong at all, she's just living her life, doing her best and whatever is right for her, so it has to be aimed at me. I'm the only other person in the relationship. I just wish I could celebrate this with her and be truly happy inside.

I do wonder if I am better by myself. I like people and I like being around them, but I can't keep doing this. I have no right to feel like this at this time, but I can't make it go away and it breaks me. I really hate me for feeling like this

I love you Op, unconditionally ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Thank you for being so very kind to me. I know how I sound in my posts so this is very sweet of you to say.

I am glad your son is doing much better now and I hope he continues to do so and remains happy and healthy x

You are in a very emotionally charged state. You won’t be able to think logically about this until you have control of these emotions.

I have been going through similar but the antidepressants are starting to numb it so I can look at it more clearly. It’s not personal, people have their lives to live.
Do you have any hobbies like knitting? Can you find something to focus on that takes you out of your own head? I learned crafts and it has helped in the bad times.

I really feel for you OP. It's not surprising you're desperately seeking someone to "stay" and care for you when you had such shitty parent(s). So I would cut yourself some slack for that. You've recognised it's not a healthy response but it's certainly an understandable one.

No hobbies. I don't really have much free time if I'm honest. I'm either working or completing my caring responsibilities, so I have very limited time.
Regarding hobbies though, nothing catches my attention. I don't enjoy anything really.

These thoughts are on my mind 24/7. I know people are just living their lives, doing what's best for them and I would give anything in the world not to feel like this. I have no right feeling like this, I know it is none of my business and I do despise myself for feeling this way. I honestly wish I wasn't so, so broken by such a normal life event. I'm tired of being me. I just feel like I've had enough of this all

Thank you. Yes I know it isn't healthy and I do wish I could do something to stop this feeling

I really hope you are not devoting your life to caring for your awful parents OP? Is there no way to step back and get some council help in, so that you have some free time to relax or start to explore what you could enjoy. I’m in a similar situation in that I don’t have anything I enjoy but my therapist has said that I need to start doing activities anyway and the motivation and enjoyment will stem from that.
Are you feeling any better about your therapist leaving than you were when you first found out? It must be exhausting to be crying all the time

I was wondering if listening to a loving kindness meditation daily may help? There are very many on YouTube. Even if you can’t manage to give yourself compassion, this way you can simply listen to someone wishing you peace.

When I read your post I too thought of autism. I know from my DH that having trauma can complicate getting a diagnosis. Might you read some stories from late diagnosed women online and see if that resonates?

Wishing you well 💐

My father was the only abusive one and he's now dead, so definitely no caring for him going on!
Sadly not, the council won't help and my current money just covers my essentials, so there's no other way apart from working all hours possible.
The one thing I really looked forward to were our sessions. They kept me going, they kept me functioning, they kept me well and now they are soon to be no more.
I haven't really felt comfortable with anyone apart from her, so my sense of safety has disappeared. In my head, there's nothing to keep functioning for, there is nothing to keep well for any more.

It is exhausting. I know some people think it's weird to feel like this, even I do and if I could stop it, I would. All I want to do is go to bed, wake up and this all be a dream because this can not be my reality again.

How are you doing?

One actually popped up on my phone earlier, so I listened to it. When I listened, it felt like they were talking to someone else, none of the kind things they were saying were aimed at me. One line said "I wish you happiness, health, love and peace" and I thought that can't be aimed at me. Why would anyone wish someone like me happiness? Or love and peace? And if they did, they clearly don't know who I am. Although I've said I'm kind, gentle etc, I'm also repulsive. What kind of person is heartbroken at another's joy? It's awful and I wish I wasn't in my head at this time.

I will look into it, thank you. I hope your husband is doing well x

"What kind of person is heartbroken at another's joy?"

Oh mate - a NORMAL person! The magnitude of your grief is unusual (but understandable in the circumstances!), but most people would feel upset if they were not seeing someone they cared about again!

If you only have the energy to take one caring step for yourself (and please do - all of us on this thread will be happier knowing you are caring for yourself!), get yourself some high calorie drinks so even if you don't feel like eating you can get some extra nourishment inside you.

Thank you.
It is unusual - I didn't expect to be like this. I thought I was past this, I didn't expect to ever engage with these behaviours again and I am so disappointed and angry with myself.

I had a piece of toast. That's enough for me. I need to shower as well, so I'll do that today as well. It's not much, but it doesn't feel like there is much for me now. It drains me doing these basic tasks.
I hope you are doing well yourself

Massive massive hugs. I could murder a piece of toast right now - have another one for me would you? Or at least a cuppa.

Here's something that happened to me today, and it made me think of you because i recognise certain similarities in the way we think. Like you I form strong attachments to authority figures. I was moved to a new team today. To be clear, I will still see previous (fantastic) team, I can still speak with them, and new team is lovely. Those things make not one jot of difference - I am bereft. I KNOW that this change was not personal, yet there is also a part of me that wonders what I have done wrong, is angry, feels betrayed, feels worthless. I know I must ignore those thoughts because they are based in my fears and self doubt and not in reality, but god it is difficult. The only difference between you and me is that you suffered horrendous abuse that has ground down your ability to see that your thoughts are likewise based in fear not in reality. So let me be your alter ego, who tells you that yes, these feelings are awful and all consuming, but the way to beat them is to press on ahead as if they were not there. The more you keep going despite them, the easier it gets. Get that shower and that is two things you have pressed on ahead with, and I am PROUD OF YOU for that!!

I'm so sorry that has happened to you, but I'm pleased you can still see your old team and your new ones are brilliant.

I didn't shower. I washed my hair earlier, but that's about it. It just drains me. I was going to go out, but I'm not sure if that's a good idea. Many years ago, I used to go for a walk for hours whenever I'd eaten, so I'm not sure whether staying inside is better.

I just still can't believe that this is my reality yet again. I thought I'd left these behaviours in the past. I thought I'd find this easier, but this is, for sure, the hardest. I know I shouldn't depend on her, but I really feel like nothing without her. She was the only one who listened and acknowledged me. Every time I've been in hospital/to therapy etc, I've been referred to as "The anorexic"
She never did that. I was a person. A whole human being with a name and a personality and I won't have that any more. I am just so sad all the time. I shouldn't be, I wish I wasn't, but I am.

I thought I was starting to feel better today. I thought I was accepting things.

I couldn't have been any more wrong. All I want is this feeling to go. That is all I want. I don't know what I ever did to deserve a life like this.

The ED is not your friend. Can you change it for the gym? The gym can be a safe place and if you take "control" of your body on the sense of building muscle instead of deteriorating you will build inner strength at the same time. X

You really need inpatient treatment to recover from your ED. Your mood and cognitive functioning will always be really low when you are eating so little. I can’t remember whether you said that you would consider that or not?

This is really good advice, OP.

Op, I’ve not read the whole thread but I’ve read yours. You really do sound so blooming lovely and I feel so sad for you. It’s not your fault, you’re not repulsive. It’s your dad’s fault and the trauma you endured. This level
of an awful childhood, by someone that’s meant to love and cherish you, will always have this impact. You’re unwell, keep telling yourself that. You’ve been programmed to seee yourself as all the things your dad said. Please try and take baby steps and even teeny things, it will all help. You are toast, AMAZING, you had a shower? Be proud of yourself. I also think giving another therapist a try is a good idea if you can. Try and reassure yourself that the things you think of yourself are ones you’re dad has convinced you of.

Thank you all for your kindness and support. None of it goes unnoticed and I am truly grateful for all of you.

I am feeling better now. I had some food, washed my face, cleaned my teeth and took my meds. I did have a meal earlier, admittedly a small one, but a meal all the same. My first whole meal in 2 weeks.

Sometimes, I feel better about everything, I think to myself "I feel better because I've had time to think. It's been 2.5 weeks since she told me" etc, but then it quickly dawns on me that the longer it's been since she told me, the nearer it gets to our final session and that is what I don't want. I want this period in between to go as slow as possible. Usually, I can't wait to see her, catch up, talk etc, but now I know it could be the last time and that is what hurts.

I've never been a person before. I've always been X's child or "the anorexic" but to her, I was me. A whole human being. I was never called "the anorexic" or "the anxious and depressed one" I was me with Anorexia, depression and anxiety. She is the first person to ever speak to me like a person and that is what I like about her. She never spoke down to me. She worked with me, not above me. Once, we spoke about lunch, it's a meal I don't usually eat. I've always been told "well, you have to eat it" but not her. She said "Okay, you don't like lunch, fine. Let's try a snack at lunchtime" and I did it. I ended up eating lunch from then on. I used to eat in sessions sometimes, I don't usually eat around others, but I could around her. That will all be gone soon.

The gym or any kind of exercise place is not a good idea for me. I don't know when to stop once I start exercising, which leads to me becoming obsessed with it.

I was obsessed with walking at one point and would walk for 6 hours every single day. I don't do that any more, but I've always been told to avoid exercise and gyms for the foreseeable. It is good advice though and something I will consider once I'm at a more reasonable BMI x