Think I'm going psychotic again

[NotQuiteUsual]

It always starts the same way, thinking the kids are fake. I dont want them to talk to me or touch me. So im hiding in the bedroom so they dont notice. DH is running the house for me.

Im so upset and scared, where have my real kids gone? I feel like my medication is poisoning me but I have to keep taking it. I know if I stop taking my meds I'll be fine, but im not allowed to stop.

I'm scared, ive been seeing more moving shadows and things lately too. I just feel like I thought i was doing so well but maybe im not. Maybe ive been struggling more than I realised. This is how it feels when the psychosis starts up. I dont want to get sick again. What do I do? I see my cpn on Monday, so thats good. Id call crisis team but I dont want to kill myself or self harm so they won't want to see me. I'm clueless.

Back from therapy. Overstimulated to fuck. I wanna be alone. Keep thinking about overdoses and how im not even living right now. But therapist says its intrusive thoughts. They're distressing

They sound awful. But they are thoughts. One step at a time. The future can be better.

I hope it can.

Im.just sitting around waiting for crisis team to call or show up. Sometimes they just cusnhe the visit day and don't tell you. So im.stressed. im.always stressed the diazepam doesnt work. I cant even crochet today. Im just laying on the sofa doing nothing. Its so boring. But its all i can handle.

My autism assessment date came through. It was meant to take years but my psychiatrist must have expedited it.

I dont know how to feel about it. I thought i had more time and thr parking situation and the hospital its at is bad. I dont wanna park there.

Is there anyone who could take you to your appointment?

You can only handle what you can handle! One day at a time. I agree it would be good to get a lift to the assessment.

Are you even allowed to drive? I’ve had my licence removed and I’m not even psychotic apparently. You should check with the Crisis Team.

No ones mentioned my driving so I'll ask crisis team tomorrow. I dont actually drive at the minute dh drives me or I take the bus. So it won't make any odds if I cant.

Im exhausted dh fell asleep on the sofa around the time dinner needed cooking so I cooked it all by myself without burning myself and after dinner when he went for a bath I had a lovely time in the lounge eith the kids. Its getting easier to fake being happy in this fake reality.

OP, I just want to mention, it's really important to take what's been prescribed to you every day. Further back on this thread you had mentioned skipping a dose or doses. So I just wanted to reiterate that it's important not to skip, or you won't get better. My exH has a similar illness as you and he's always skipping doses. His care team say that that's a bad idea but that it's very common for people to do that. And I see that the doctor is raising your dose of diapezam to the max. Anyway, I just wanted to say that if you are sometimes skipping, you really shouldn't. My apologies if you're not skipping; I just wanted to help. You're doing really well! Sending you healing dust and a hand-hold. 💐

OP - I’ve been following your thread and really rooting for you. I can really identify with the way you’ve described how you’re feeling, and how hard that is, coping with the noise & demands of family life.
I have bipolar 1, with mixed episodes / dysphoric mania, and psychotic features. I’m a lone parent & work full time as a senior MH clinician (the irony).
In hindsight I’ve been sliding into an episode for the past few weeks. I won’t derail your thread any further by talking about myself but suffice to say that I’ve cracked, an off work as of today, so I can be around as needed if you want to chat / offload / talk to someone in similar boat. I’m a good listener, have the professional knowledge to support you (I’m a CPN) but crucially am also writhing about at home, lost and agitated, so I get it on a human level.
💐 xx

Ps: forgot to say: your crochet sea creatures are amazing. My local pool (at which I’m a member as it’s the only thing that keeps me vaguely well) is turning 90 this month & has invited members to crochet jellyfish. I’d love to try but no idea how to.
I used to crochet but could only manage long rectangles. My ex-DH ended up with lots of horrible ‘scarves’ as a result, bless him.
How might my added brain go about learning how to make a ‘thing’? Maybe that might help harness my wild & frightened brain, and bring down the temptation to keep looking at my fruit tree and feeling so distressed by the position of it. I had to neck 2 lorazepam yesterday to stop myself getting distraught over it 🤦🏼‍♀️. I probs still have my hooks somewhere, but no wool.
Really I should use my sick leave to get on top of all the ways in which I’m drowning with logistics, teens, finances etc…. But I can’t focus. I can only cope with bed, benzos, and perhaps crochet.

Thank you! Im about to be discharged from crisis team and eip into the ctt very nervous about it. But I need a new antipsychotic and I need professionals to help me. Im scared about all the change, I love my cpn so much loosing her is going to hurt, she's done so much for me.

I dont want Thursdays meeting to go ahead, I want to stay eith my cpn forever. Crisis team can fuck off, they've been a mixed bag, some great others awful.

I just want to forget what I know about reality and for my mask to become my real face again.

It’s good you see you need the professionals to help you. Here’s hoping you land with good ones.