Think I'm going psychotic again

[NotQuiteUsual]

It always starts the same way, thinking the kids are fake. I dont want them to talk to me or touch me. So im hiding in the bedroom so they dont notice. DH is running the house for me.

Im so upset and scared, where have my real kids gone? I feel like my medication is poisoning me but I have to keep taking it. I know if I stop taking my meds I'll be fine, but im not allowed to stop.

I'm scared, ive been seeing more moving shadows and things lately too. I just feel like I thought i was doing so well but maybe im not. Maybe ive been struggling more than I realised. This is how it feels when the psychosis starts up. I dont want to get sick again. What do I do? I see my cpn on Monday, so thats good. Id call crisis team but I dont want to kill myself or self harm so they won't want to see me. I'm clueless.

It will OP. It really will. Remember those calming techniques and well done for taking the meds. It’s so good you realise that you need to keep taking them.

It will pass op, take the support from your dh and ride it out. One hour at a time, one day to the next. You’re going to be okay again.
you can keep chatting to us here, I don’t have experience in this area but happy to keep you company when I check in with MN.

Thank you everyone for support. Its really.helped yo have somewhere supportive to come and vent.

I managed thr school pick up today. It was hard, but I pushed everything down and pretended everything was normal, I hugged and kissed the kids like I always do. Now im home and I'm making the roast dinner we were supposed to have yesterday.

My body aches. I feel like everyone is.robots living clockwork lives and I'm the only one made of flesh and I have to try fit in with all.these immovoable objects.

Oh OP you’re doing so well. You may not feel like that but you really are. I hope the roast was nice. Do take time for you too.

Dear OP, have you ever heard of Capgras syndrome? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capgras_delusion
it is a condition where you feel like your loved ones have been replaced by imposters.
It sounds like you may be suffering from this. I mention it because it may help to know that you are not alone, and there is an explanation for why you feel like this.

Op, I work with people with psychosis, and have worked in the EIP before. Your insight and understanding of everything is so valuable, even though things feel scary now, you’re recognising things don’t feel like they should. So many people don’t have that understanding.

Keep having naps and prioritising sleep. Make sure you eat and gently listen to what your body needs.

You’re going through trauma therapy at the moment and like you’ve said it can be really triggering. Your brain is trying to protect you (albeit it in a fucked up way). Please mention this to your psychologist when you see her on Wednesday, she’ll know exactly what to do to keep you safe.

Keep speaking to the crisis team and your DH. Do you feel anxious or spaced out? If you’re anxious it might be worth asking for some PRN. If you’re feeling spaced out try little things that ground you in the here and now - even things like taking a long shower, stepping outside and looking at the birds. It doesn’t feel real at the moment because you’re feeling so poorly, it’s a very tired mind. The divers reflex can really help too. Try and repeat this phrase as often as you can - “This feeling has come and gone before”

You’re a very strong lady, please, please keep reaching out to crisis teams and CPN. They’re there for exactly that. I’ve never ever not wanted to help a person with their distress and everyone I’ve worked with wanted to help the people we worked with.

Look after yourself, you will get through this

I made a decent roast and everyone enjoyed it. Today I feel kind of ok. The thoughts are still there, but they're not too distressing and my cpn said that's what we're looking for.

Im going to my group today. Its about regulation through play and craft. Everyone has mental health issues or are neurodivergent so its a really safe space.

I hope the group is good for you today. It’s great you did the roast and the thoughts aren’t as distressing.

I totally overdid it today. I went to my group, which was a big thing anyway. Then I went with a friend to a super important meeting. There was no avoiding it. But its set me back as the meeting was very heavy and distressing for my friend. Im back in bed with scary images popping in my head. I dont want the kids near me again.

Is your dh around to put the kids to bed whilst you stay in your room?

Yeah. He can sort them out. I feel so weak. Everyone feels like clockwork robots and im just trying to fit in without getting squished. The lounge is too noisy so im in bed. I managed to eat though which is good. Everything feels fuzzy and like its moving.

Our middle child came into our room because hes feeling a bit emotional and a bit sicky. I managed to keep the act up. Feels like he was testing me. I dont like it. I want life to go back to normal

Just sending you kind thoughts and supportive vibes

Are you managing to go to work? Take the kids etc to school? Cook?

I dont work because its too much for my mental health. I can get the kids to and from school. I cooked the other day but I burnt my hand pretty bad so dh had taken back over that.

Im so tired this morning, I slept well but I dont feel like I slept at all. I need to buy eggs today and pick up more meds. What's the point? Its all fake.

I see phycologist today. Shes nice. She can't fix me though.

Have you made sure you’re receiving benefits you’re entitled to? Your DH remains supportive throughout?

It is an absolutely briefly day. You will feel better when you pop out. Why don’t you take children to school and then go to a cafe and get a nice drink and a pastry and watch the world go by

I get all the benefits im entitled to. Dh is really supportive. He is scary at the minute though because I can't understand him unless im touching him. Hes a mystery.

I dont want to watch robot people go by they're scary. I want to sleep

Have you been completely open and honest with the psychologist OP?

Yeah, these thoughts were starting last week and I told her. I often have what she calls unusual thoughts and I always tell her. Ive not had them this bad though since I've been seeing her. I only have a few sessions left.

Hi OP.
I am a CPN who also works in EIP but down in the south of the uk! ive read your entire thread here and it sounds like you’re doing a great job in difficult circumstances. Keep reaching out to your CPN for support, does your EIP team have support workers who could do an extra visit for support in the short term whilst you manage this blip? Do you have a wellbeing plan with coping mechanisms on? Do you feel up to looking this over and trying some of them even if it feels tricky they may help!
if you’re due to see the psychiatrist you could ask for prn meds to help you manage in the short term.
keep looking after yourself and remember it sounds like you’ve been through this before and come out the other side - you can do it again! Recovery is possible! Best wishes to you!

Thanknyou for the kind reply. I had a good day today. I bought toy stuffing and made a crochet jellyfish in the neurodivergent cafe. Its my safe space. Im a lot calmer after crocheting and a nice decaff coffee. The distress is going. Im very tired though, my cpn is calling on Friday.

I think I might be starting to come out the other side of this. Usually I calm down first, then the thoughts fade away. Everyone still feels like clockwork and the kids still feel fake. But im not so worried about it. Like it's all wrong but I'm calm in the storm.

Sounds like you’ve had a more positive feeling day today which is lovely to read.
Every day that passes is a day closer to feeling back to your more normal self.
What colour did you crochet your jellyfish in? My sister is a keen crocheter and has tried to teach me so many times but I’m all fingers and thumbs and never get the hang of it!

Keep up with resting and eating, this will pass. You’ve been through it before and you’ll come through it again. Sending lots of good vibes your way op - I think (from very much an outsiders perspective) that you’re handling this all in the best possible way and I’m very proud of you for that. 💐