Think I'm going psychotic again

[NotQuiteUsual]

It always starts the same way, thinking the kids are fake. I dont want them to talk to me or touch me. So im hiding in the bedroom so they dont notice. DH is running the house for me.

Im so upset and scared, where have my real kids gone? I feel like my medication is poisoning me but I have to keep taking it. I know if I stop taking my meds I'll be fine, but im not allowed to stop.

I'm scared, ive been seeing more moving shadows and things lately too. I just feel like I thought i was doing so well but maybe im not. Maybe ive been struggling more than I realised. This is how it feels when the psychosis starts up. I dont want to get sick again. What do I do? I see my cpn on Monday, so thats good. Id call crisis team but I dont want to kill myself or self harm so they won't want to see me. I'm clueless.

Big hugs you are fucking amazing

How are you feeling this morning? I’m sorry the crisis team weren’t as helpful as you’d hoped.

Your MH team are negligent. Have you told your husband what they said ? Call on Monday and insist your psychiatrist calls you back. My last episode was terrifying. It started off that everyone around me wasn't real but some sort of computer simulation. Then my son couldn't cope with it and left for weeks. I thought he was dead

You seem to need a change in medication

Im doing ok this morning. I feel a lot less distressed and like I can handle being around the kids. Im still not sure what's real or fake though. Dh knows everything thats going on.

My head feels so full of thoughts its going to explode. I can't think straight. We were meant to go buy holiday clothes for the kids today but I dont think im up to it.

The dog spent half the night in bed next to me. She knows something is wrong. Shame she's a giant dog and meant I wad squished up for half the night.

Animals are the best during bad times. My cat was the same when I was psychotic and terrified. Just gave me lots of love and comfort. Keep talking to us here x

Meds are taken!! I can hear the kids in the lounge just playing and its not upsetting me.

Last night the crisis nurse said I was calming down while on the phone and I burst into tears and told her I wasn't calming down I just could tell there was no point talking to her. I feel a bit bad she was trying her best!

We live in Northumberland and everyone's very laid back around here. Its reflected in the mental health care. Northumberland I swear is its own mini country separate from the UK. I usually love that but last night I did not.

So glad you’re feeling better OP.

If you decide to change or come off any of your meds in future, please do it with supervision and very, very gradually. There’s lots of evidence now that coming off ADs too quickly can make it more difficult than it needs to be. It’s really not a good idea to just stop. Do it slowly and that should help you avoid extreme reactions like this last one.

Wishing you all the best.

Your dog is beautiful and obviously knew you needed her.
I have come off MH meds before. With GP supervision and reeaaallllyyy slowly. I’m glad your DH knows what’s happening.

Don't worry I won't ever just stop taking them, even when they feel like poison. Dh makes sure I take them. And I dont want to get told off by my cpn.

We went out as a family today, it was quite nice. Ds was overwhelmed so we waited outside most of the shops. But nice got some errands done. I feel calm, but there's still two realities running through my mind. My head hurts im going to have a nap. Hopefully the dog joins me for some cuddles

You are doing so well. You’re recognising it. I have faith your cpn will offer much more support tomorrow 🤞🏼

You managed a family day trip? That’s an incredible leap forward

I hope you got your cuddles. A huge well done for the day out.

I got home and immediately went to bed for an hour. Im in bed again now. Im so tired. I still cant tell what's real or not. I cant think right either. I just wanna sleep and wake up ok.

You’re doing brilliantly. Just sleep as much as you can and be really honest with your CPN tomorrow. Can your husband speak with them too, or could you show her this thread?

I'm up. Meds taken. Kids ready for school. Its so surreal carrying on as normal knowing what I know. But I dont want them to know I know, so im acting normal. Cpn is coming at 9, she's really nice and really good. She'll sort me out.

Well done OP, you’re doing brilliantly.

Please update us when your CPN has been, I’m glad she’s nice and you can be open and honest with her x

You sound like you are doing everything right. I definitely would pursue with the team today but I do know from supporting a friend with similar that with tweaks in medication and a little bit of psychological support to help her separate the wheat from the chaff of her thoughts that she regularly pulls herself back now with much smaller blips compared to when she was younger and the uncertainty pulled her right into full psychosis. Fingers crossed that you are in the same era now.

Huge hugs OP.

Cpn just left. She was lovely and helpful. I cant remember everything she said. But she said the intensity of the thoughts has dropped and thats a sign im going to pull myself back. I see the psychologist Wednesday and the psychiatrist next Thursday. Plus she's going to call again on Friday to check in.

Im exhausted after all that talking. I need to remember my calming techniques, so I can stay onto of it.

Im being discharged by the psychosis team shortly. My cpn was pushing for me to go under the community mental health team but they're not taking on service users right now. So I'll be under gp care in a few weeks. Bit scary because the gp doesnt usually know how to handle my stuff. But what can you do?

My head hurts, but the kids are at school so I can sleep. Do you think the kids could be robots? I thought it was their souls thay had been replaced but I wonder if they're actually robots. Scary stuff.

Darling the kids aren’t robots, they are your lovely human children.
Get some more rest.
i don’t pretend to know what you’re going through but at one stage in my life i was taking a lot of (prescribed) medication and they came in my room and I swore they were walking on the ceiling. And I kept calling them my own name instead of theirs. It was quite frightening not quite being able to separate reality from fiction while trying not to freak them out by my own fear.
Have yourself a lie down if you’ve had something to eat and taken your meds 💐
sending you a lot of positive thoughts and a huge hug.

Huge sympathy. My dad suffers from psychotic depression. At one point he thought everyone who interacted with him was saying my mum would leave him and that my brother and I hated him (we don't).
They were actually saying things like:

"Milk and sugar with that?'
"Single or return journey?"

Turned out he needed his meds changing and then he got much better. Just in case that is an option for you. Xx

Honey can you have your DH advocate for you with your current team. Things have changed since they made the original plan and now you would be better remaining under their specialist care. Get your husband to write to them.

Try and get some sleep now OP and set an alarm for an hour before you need to collect kids (unless DH is doing it).

Trying to mask and dealing with all the thoughts will be taking a lot out of you.

It sounds like you are doing an amazing job at questioning your thoughts and that's all anyone can ask.

For reassurance the kids aren't robots, just the normal kids.

❤️

Sometimes when i'm really depressed I will walk the dog through the woods and the birdsong turns into insults from the depths of somewhere,( basically the birds are talking to me.) Or the tap will be dripping and it will be saying bad things about me in the drips.

I come out of the fog of it and I realise that the birds were just singing their sweet songs and meant no harm at all.

It seems ridiculous when I think about it in the light of better mental health.

I think what i'm saying is that you feel like your children are robots or fake because your mental health is in a bad place. With lots of rest, nutritious food, continuing your meds and talking with your psychiatrist you will start to come out of it, it's hard work but you can do it.
Well done for recognising your symptoms and acting, you are amazing 👏 💪

I just had a nap and ran the kne errand I needed to. Feels so weird buying stuff to plant sunflowers with the beavers when it feels like everyone is a robot.

Im going to.listen to music now im awake and crochet. I can't stop being discharged by the psychosis team, they only keep patients for 3 years cos they're for first psychotic episodes rather than ongoing.

I might have to start lithium alongside the aripiprazole. I was doing so well I was going to ask to try tapering to a lower dose of aripiprazole but not now. The side effects suck though. Thats why I know its poisoning me. But I promise I won't stop taking them.

A few weeks ago I thought dh was poisoning my tea, but I still drank it cos I figured the only way to know for sure was to wait for side effects. Thats passed now, so maybe this will