Think I'm going psychotic again

[NotQuiteUsual]

It always starts the same way, thinking the kids are fake. I dont want them to talk to me or touch me. So im hiding in the bedroom so they dont notice. DH is running the house for me.

Im so upset and scared, where have my real kids gone? I feel like my medication is poisoning me but I have to keep taking it. I know if I stop taking my meds I'll be fine, but im not allowed to stop.

I'm scared, ive been seeing more moving shadows and things lately too. I just feel like I thought i was doing so well but maybe im not. Maybe ive been struggling more than I realised. This is how it feels when the psychosis starts up. I dont want to get sick again. What do I do? I see my cpn on Monday, so thats good. Id call crisis team but I dont want to kill myself or self harm so they won't want to see me. I'm clueless.

@ThatFairy can you go back through your GP? Is there another clinic?

That’s amazing OP, you’re doing so well

I don't think so. My mum told me I have to phone the health board

Ask your GP @ThatFairy . They can signpost you most reliably.

Thank you @Wolfiefan I will try that. I've been without any meds for a while now and I'm really scared of going psychotic. I don't know how I would get through it ever again.

Definitely best to get some support in place @ThatFairy wishing you well.

I have a list of questions for the psychiatrist today. Crisis team came and made me have a bath(after they left) because I hadn't bathed in over a week. I do feel a little better for it.

Im kinda manic today. Cos im so nervous about this appointment. Im on nearly the max dose of my antipsychotics and dh days its not helping. So I wanna change it or take another one alongside it. There was talk of lithium before.

To be honest I wish I could get admitted to hospital and have a week focused on getting my meds right. Im so tired and hyper today.

So sorry OP. It can take a while to get meds right. Glad you managed a bath though.

Well the dr wants me on the max dosage. He says its worth a try and because of my discharge soon to the home treatment team itll be better to fuck around with what meds im on with them for consistency. Im getting more diazepam too. Feels like putting a plaster over a gunshot wound at this point.

Im so fucking fucked off right now. Its like everyone keeps telling me thoughts must be sooooo difficult and sooooo scary. But they're not. Does anyone think the fact the sky is blue is scary?? Of course fucming not. What's difficult and scary is going along eith this facade of life. Like taking the 'kids' to school washing my fuckong fake hair, eating. Drinking..blah blah blah its all nonsense because none of this is real, its just a fake reality designed to trap my soul. Its bulllshiy. If one more person tells me it must be soooooooo tough im going to scream and explode. I want to call crisis team right now and tell them off. Its no difficult to know facts ffs. Its difficult to he forced ti pretend you don't fuck everything

Do you think any other people are real ?

Ring crisis team. Tell them exactly what you’ve wrote here, tell them exactly how you feel and how angry you are at them.

Ring them OP, they need to know how you’re feeling.

I dont want to call them, I get super passive on the phone. My cpn will contact me today and I'll.tell her how I feel.

I see crisis team tomorrow and next weeks there's gonna be a bug mental hewlth meeting I have to go to with everyone involved in me going. I dont understand it but whatever. No one but mt cpn and the dr at the hospital listen to me anyway

I’m glad you can tell the CPN how you feel. Let’s hope they listen to you at the meeting too.

My amazing in-laws are coming today to help us out. They live 3 hours away and are already on the road to get to us. They've booked a hotel and everything. I cant wait to see them. There's a fair a ten minutes walk from.us so im gonna get them and dh to take the kids so I can rest in a quiet house.

My cpn wad great yesterday while I was ranting about how the thoughts weren't thr difficult part she just stops me and says I know, its the masking thats hard isn't sweety? And I could have cried. What am I gonna do without her in a few weeks? Shes the one who twigged im autistic(confirmed by my psychiatrist). I need to get her flowers.

She sounds amazing. I’m glad the awesome in laws are on their way. With a peaceful house you can drop the masking and just rest for a bit.

The in-laws are currently cleaning the house while I kay in bed. I want them to hurry uo and finish so I can snuggle up woth mum on the sofa. They're amazing the briught snacks for us, cleaning products to get stuck in and they're buying a takeaway. Im so scared the hoover is going to kill them that I had to call crisis team and talk to them, they apparently were going to skip visiting me today but weren't going to tell me. But they are gonna come today now itll just be evening time. They've visited me at like midnight before so I dont care how late they come I just need support the diazepam isn't doing anything. I feel wired

Have they prescribed anything else yet? At least you will have a clean house and everyone will be fed! Hope you’re snuggled up soon.

Im now on the max dose of my antiosychotic and stronger diazepam. Today hasn't been good. The crisis team member i saw didnt like me.

Oh no OP, I'm sorry it seemed like they didn't like you. Hopefully the stronger meds will help you to feel better. Did you get to snuggle on the sofa?

What do you mean they didn’t like you? Hopefully the meds will help.

She was just off and kept telling me the kids would be taken off me if Im not careful, when I was telling her I have thoughts about cutting people but I dont want to do it because it would open a big can of worms im not prepared to deal with. I told her social services already spoke to us and they were really happy woth how were handling it all and she seemed annoyed about it not happy for us.

No ones taking the kids off us, everyone's been very clear they feel they're safe and ive been very compliant about what to do if the urges to cut people come back. But ahe acted like im a danger. I was really agitated and stressed afterwards.

Why do you want to cut people ?

To see of they have blood and are real or fake. Because if everyone's fake there's no point staying in this reality anymore.

It sounds like she was concerned for their safety. That isn’t unreasonable given the thoughts you’ve been having.