Worst mum. Nothing I can do

[Gonewiththemoon]

I’ll start by saying IABU but posting here for traffic in the middle of the night.
I have 3 DC and I have emetaphobia. It’s crippling me again the past 6 months. The fight or flight kicked in tonight when DC age 3 woke up with tummy pain. I started cold sweating, heart rate shot up to 125 and I did what I thought was best… text my mum.
she was actually awake and called me. Said I could take DC3 to her house(she’s a 3 minute drive away). So I did.
I bundled my 3 year old into the car, covered in a towel, at 2am.
I can’t carry on like this. But what can I do?
I already take citalopram, I’ve just taken a diazepam. I’ve tried CBT but it was horrific. Exposure therapy that I simply couldn’t handle.
ive started to get full blown panic attacks lately too. Something I’ve not had in quite a while. I hate leaving the house. I don’t want to send the DC to school for fear of them getting sick.
im desperate. I’m not suicidal, but I hate this life. Hate it. I want to be the mum that holds her children when they’re sick(I have done in the recent past, but tonight hit me like a tonne of bricks). I want to take them on days out to fun places that they deserve, not just stay at home incase someone picks up bloody norovirus!

How is it missing the point entirely?! It's literally what OP posted about!!

But now she's gone from 'im a terrible mum' to 'it was a blip and I wish I could win the lottery'.

I think we will have to agree to disagree. Have a good day.

OP start by contacting your GP. See my post above. Many areas have local mental health support services who may be able to help in the short term and can refer on for treatment. In some cases they can fast track in acute circumstances. I’ve also seen a post from a professional upthread somewhere with some useful suggestions and links.

I still take my teen kids to school. One has ADHD so doesn’t do well on public transport. They both go to the same school, so it makes sense to take them both. That ok with you?

Oh I’m sorry OP. I have a version of agoraphobia that makes it very difficult for me to be in spaces I can’t “escape” - think trains, planes, lifts, anything where I feel like I am locked in. I am acutely aware that I could pass this onto my kids and I feel very guilty. I did have some CBT through the NHS which was focused on exposure therapy and it was hard but really helped me to reframe certain scenarios and give me some coping mechanisms. Please consider trying CBT / exposure therapy again. I do think exposure for phobia is such as this really are the only way to tackle it head on. I’m not in any way cured, but it at least gave me some small confidence that I could at least be slightly capable of pushing through when needed.

You’re not the worst mum. The worst mum would’ve left sick child to fend for themselves. You found someone else you trust to look after your child when you felt physically incapable of doing it yourself - that’s a good mum, not a bad one.

You'll get some harsh responses on here because it’s a phobia that not many people understand. However I know someone with it and have seen how debilitating it can be. I don’t for a second think the person I know would put herself through the inconveniences she experiences as a result if she could just ‘snap out of it’.

This is a really inconsiderate comment, she already feels awful, she doesn’t need you getting your head around anything. How are you helping?

So, I just called my local MH charity. The lovely man on the phone said ‘pop in for a cuppa’ so I’m going to do just that. DC(who hasn’t been sick) is still with mum and fast asleep, and I took the other 2 to school earlier, so I’m going to get dressed and head down there.

Sympathy.

But, in case no one else has said (haven't RTFT, sorry), if you literally couldn't handle the CBT exposure therapy, it really wasn't handled right.

Try CBT again with someone new, who works closely with you to ascertain what you can handle. Research shows it can really work.

Its not inconsiderate.
Its the truth.
And now look at the update, the poor child wasn't even sick.

I really hope you get the help you need.

This wasn't a blip OP.

@Gonewiththemoon it would perhaps be helpful for you to engage with the professionals on this thread who have given you a shit ton of advice rather than getting snippy with people who have asked valid questions.

Phone your GP.

I just want to give support and add that you're not the worst mum, the worst mum would have ignored their child. When you felt unable to handle it you immediately took your child somewhere they would be looked after. That is good parenting, you're a good mum

Which is exactly what OP has done if you read her latest update.

Phobia is another of those words that's bounced around nowadays to the point it has all but lost its original meaning (cf. hate, fascism etc.!)

I think your post shows that, while you may think you understand what it is to experience a real phobia, you may not. Responses to them aren't rational or necessarily controllable without support. I don't have one myself, but with some other experience of this and related stuff, the closest I can come is to say... When the OP rushed out of her house, her body and mind might as well have been telling her it was on fire and she'd die if she didn't. Genuinely. Imagine the sensations being trapped in a house fire would induce in you, and that's how she felt. She knew, technically, it was rubbish - but her physiological response overwhelmed that knowledge.

That's the degree of terror the truly phobic can experience.

Show me where please?

*Original poster

Gonewiththemoon · Today 10:10
So, I just called my local MH charity. The lovely man on the phone said ‘pop in for a cuppa’ so I’m going to do just that. DC(who hasn’t been sick) is still with mum and fast asleep, and I took the other 2 to school earlier, so I’m going to get dressed and head down there.*

She’s engaging with a local MH charity who will have an informal approach initially, which may suit OP better. They can advise on how best to access appropriate treatment, and any local support available in the interim.

That's not her GP though is it. You really can't take being wrong can you?

Agreed. I worked in community mental health for a while.

There's a lot of pop-psych popping up on threads like these with misinformation about "exposure therapy", as if it's something you can just do yourself by flinging yourself at stuff and getting a grip. If it's not therapeutic (and it sounds as though this car journey certainly wasn't) it's not therapy - it's just compounding. A crisis is not the right time to start attempting self-help trends in any case.

It's not quite the same, but I have a lifelong disability, and I've noticed than when many non-experts say "You should try doing..." they're actually saying "I don't like this, it makes me uncomfortable, get better immediately so I don't have to worry about the same thing happening to me."

Yeah I agree with this actually. I started putting myself in the situation that triggered me bit by bit,.for a few minutes at a time. I carried certain items on me that helped and constantly told myself "What's the worst that can happen?". I'm sick, possibly in public. It's unpleasant, uncomfortable, probably embarrassing... Does anyone die? No. Is it the end of the world? No.

It took AGES and it's not completely gone away but it's just a tiny bit of background noise now, instead of stopping me doing things.

This! Thank you for understanding and explaining it so well x

But if you felt like that you had no business driving with a three year old!!

You are a good mum - you probably got that from your own mum, who sounds as if she is also similarly wonderful!

Emetophobia is a complex phobia, and as PP have said, requires specialist therapy. My DS suffers from it, and was at one point so terrified to eat certain foods because he thought they might make him sick, that he almost refused to eat anything, and became dangerously underweight as a result.

It’s a far bigger problem than just overcoming squeamishness, that’s for sure. I hope you are able to pursue therapy for this specific phobia, and in the meantime, be kind to yourself💐

Once again OP has clarified what happened in an update - specifically answering posters who made the same point..

I should probably clarify that I do think that Exposure Therapy is useful to some people when carried out by a skilled professional. My problem was with the popular concept of self-help "exposure" which involves "just doing the thing and trying to feel better".

No she hasn't clarified this particular bit